Tag: What Your Wife Really Wants but Can't Tell You

‘Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. ‘ Ephesians 4:1-2(NLT)

‘Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. ‘ 1 John 4:7(NLT)

Once the wedding cake becomes a distant memory and dirty laundry more the reality, loving each other in a marriage relationship begins to feel more dissonant than first experienced. The days grow long with extensive responsibilities. In fact, I know few Christian women who spend their time doing whatever they want. Every day there are essentials left undone. 

In all things that make up your life together, your wife would like your help. Actually, she wants your participation, but she can’t ask you without sounding like your mother. What your bride does NOT desire is for you to check out emotionally and physically, aggravated and bothered. 

Loving each other the way God intends requires doing the nitty gritty together. This element of relationship may take several starts and restarts, but a good way to begin is with a discussion. Talk about what you are observing that needs to be done along with the dual responsibilities shared. Ask her the best way to participate to get everything accomplished. This approach enables you to lead with open opportunities for coming to a workable plan. 

Allow me to offer a word of caution. Please be patient. To be frank, for the first several starts and restarts, your help might not be helpful. Your approach may upset the oiled machine. Her response may be hurtful or vice versa. She also might not have confidence in your motives. A truckload of emotional baggage could burst open across the room, especially if she works outside the home, or has picked up the same bucket of toys 40 times previously that day.

Tim Hawkins, the Christian comedian, captures this Big One precisely when he performs his original song, “I’ll Cleanup for You.” He sings about romancing his wife of twenty years, not with traditional candles, flowers, or cuddling on the couch, but by knowing what she really wants. Grasping a vacuum, that man gets to work without being asked or given a task in order to enchant his bride. Hawkins has learned a thing or two about loving his wife to the bottom of the stacks of dirty laundry. 

Your wife wants your participation. 

Ask the Lord how to lead out on this in your home. Then see how He will have you demonstrate your love for her through the daily grind of life. 

You may be surprised what good comes from your unsolicited participation.

from What Your Wife Really Wants but Can’t Tell You

‘Don’t lust for her beauty. Don’t let her coy glances seduce you.’ Proverbs 6:25(NLT)

‘“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ‘ Matthew 5:27-28(NLT)

‘The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.’ 1 Corinthians 10:13(NLT)

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

Everything is connected in the heart and mind of a woman. Or haven’t you noticed? In marriage, what you say, hear, and view with your eyes are intertwined with your personality, integrity, and love for your wife.

What your wife really wants is for you to delight in her– and her ALONE. Not the cute waitress. (Don’t comment or follow with your eyes.) Not the old girlfriend on Facebook. (Unfriend all past relationships or possibilities.) Not the gorgeous colleague at work. (No lunches. Don’t hang out with her. Set boundaries.) Not the scantily clad movie star. (Abstain.) Not the porn. Absolutely NOT.

Your bride walked the aisle for the fairytale. Great news! You are her fairytale. She anticipates being yours. YOUR eyes exclusively electrified by her. YOUR affection reserved for her. You, Mr. Bigshot, have attained Prince Charming status. Your wife is simply wondering how to be THE Princess in your eyes. 

But she can’t tell you. 

Everything around her screams society’s demand to accept a man’s weakness to look and long. “Looking is every man’s struggle. We’re going to look. It’s how God made us,” so we’re told…But is that really true? 

Proverbs 6:25 commands Christ-followers to “not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes.” Then Jesus unravels anything confusing about the matter in Matthew five where he calls even lustful mental activity adultery. This declaration illuminates the Truth. No. God did not design guys to gaze at enticing women to whom they are not married. That behavior is sin, plain and simple. Its power over man was beaten by the cross, just like every other offense. 

In this matter, God was kind in meeting your desires with the woman of your choosing. Gaze away at your stunning bride. She is your standard of beauty and the only place of freedom for your eyes, body, and your mind. Your wife wants you to delight in her alone. What a gift. 

Countless times have I heard my man tell me he delights in me, and me alone, across twenty plus years of marriage. Hearing I am enough never gets old. 

Take some time to consider your affections and the Truth of Scripture. What steps might you need to take to delight in your wife alone? How can you begin communicating your affection and let her know she is enough?

from What Your Wife Really Wants but Can’t Tell You

‘“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?’ Jeremiah 17:9(NLT)

‘Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.’ Proverbs 4:23(NLT)

‘Can a man scoop a flame into his lap and not have his clothes catch on fire?’ Proverbs 6:27(NLT)

‘But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys himself. He will be wounded and disgraced. His shame will never be erased.’ Proverbs 6:32-33(NLT)

Loving your wife second anticipates your ABSOLUTE fidelity. UNLESS you want to destroy her trust, making a knock-down gorgeous bride question her worth… DON’T CHEAT ON HER.

Not in person. Not on a device or even in your head. Do not cheat today, tomorrow, next year or in seven years. Never. This is a non-negotiable our society has offered as normal and expected marriage baggage.

NONSENSE. That’s absurd. 

She doesn’t hear that “It didn’t mean anything to you,” or “It was the alcohol.” She hears, “I don’t love you enough to be faithful.” “I cannot be trusted because I lie, cheat, and have poor judgment.” “You are not enough.”

Our society doesn’t even call this infidelity a moral wrong. Instead, they admit, “I made a mistake.” The Bible declares the act to be breaking the covenant relationship made before God and man. 

This one made the shortlist because your wife can’t ask you to be faithful. She shouldn’t have to, should she? That’s what I thought, too, until I realized God placed it at the top of His shortlist in relating with us. How quickly are we unfaithful to Him in a thousand ways because our hearts are deceitful? The Word calls us then to GUARD our hearts because the heart determines the course of our lives. This is especially true in our marriage relationships. 

Proverbs compares adulterous behaviors to picking up fire and holding it next to your chest. That’s just stupid! A person is going to get burned. But somehow the mind persuades that you’re the exception. You begin believing you will be able to hold that fire without getting burned or even the smell of smoke leaving a trace.

Biblical wisdom sees through that hogwash. For heaven’s sake, so does the Huffington Post. You will get burned. Let well enough alone and miss the loss of relationship, the extensive personal destruction, and disgrace. This one doesn’t just go away. God found it critical enough to be a Biblical deal-breaker. “I’m sorry,” doesn’t fix it. 

Your bride wants you to forsake all others for her and her alone, just like you promised. 

Ask the Lord to show you how to better guard your heart. Are there habits you need to break? New ones you need to begin?

Ask God to begin giving you wisdom in how to demonstrate your faithfulness in keeping your promises to your wife. 

from What Your Wife Really Wants but Can’t Tell You

‘For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:22-33(NLT)

Let me begin with a little-known secret that may have escaped your notice in Perfect Husband class. Your Christian wife wants to be second. She’s not looking to take a backseat to your affection. She simply understands the significance of your love for God. A personal surrender to Jesus Christ is where an individual learns to live selflessly; and where a husband transforms into a principled leader who loves her as Christ loves the Church.

Paul offers efficacious wisdom to marriage partners in Ephesians that many find offensive. We often get bent out of shape about the submission portion, when the most imposing wording is directed toward the males. Jesus charges husbands to love their wives in such a way that it mirrors how Christ is to present the Church before God: 

“in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.”

Forget what your wife wants. The kind of love God requires from a husband toward his wife cannot be felt or demonstrated without Divine intervention. 

The Bible communicates the serious business of loving your wife. While not natural, God asserts it can be done in concert with Him. There is a settling and security that occurs in your marriage when you begin to relinquish your ambitions and desires to Christ. As this yielding becomes a part of your fiber, priorities change. A husband committed primarily in word and deed to Christ becomes a more gracious and compassionate version of himself. 

In other words, when a man embarks upon loving Jesus as his highest priority, loving his wife in this supernatural way, albeit imperfectly, will likely follow suit. 

But your wife can’t tell you she wants you to love her second. 

Instead, she will pray, encourage you to join a men’s group, or suggest attending church this weekend. She’s not trying to be bossy or steal your “me time.” Your wife senses security and love by your complete surrender to the Savior. 

Today would be a great day to begin asking God to help you love her second–more than you love yourself, by making Him your top priority. 

from What Your Wife Really Wants but Can’t Tell You

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord .’ Proverbs 18:22(NLT)

‘Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. ‘ 1 Peter 4:8(NLT)

Your wedding might be captured under blue skies on the seashore with sandcastle beaches for posterity, but it doesn’t take long for the waves to wash over those temporary mansions and the clouds to gather. The days and years that follow can be tumultuous. 

Chad and I started out in an unpretentious blue house working five part-time jobs between us, suffocating through the Texas heat with little relief, other than a ceiling fan. We chose the ground for comfort, over our secondhand couch, to eat countless bowls of cookie dough underneath that fan. About most things marriage and life, we didn’t know diddly.

There were zero aspirations for bigger houses or corporate successes. The path was not set toward all the degrees or even establishing a family. No. Our ambitions were more fundamental. We simply wanted our marriage to make itwhen so much was failing around us. 

Marriage is covenant commitment. We wanted the service in a sanctuary (Logsdon Chapel) officiated by the godliest man thinkable, Dr. James Shields, wearing the most solemn attire he possessed (his scholarly robe). More than anything, we were aiming for a marriage that honored God and endured until death do us part. We just didn’t have a clue what to do when we marched out of there, husband and wife.

Let’s face it. Most of us are completely CLUELESS about how to love our spouses when we enter marriage. We don’t have any idea how to love one another earnestly. In fact, a good number of us remain dumbfounded far too long.  

Granted, marriage still holds its conundrums, but after more than a quarter of a century under my belt and countless conversations with brides of all ages, commonalities surface when it comes to what a wife really wants from her husband, but can’t say.

But where your wife can’t speak, the Bible does. So, to any man confused about what his wife really wants, what follows are five BIG ONES she can’t tell you. 

Before we move any further, take a moment today to pray and ask the Lord to reveal the following:

• His Truth for your relationship,
• Your heart in relating with your wife,
• The strengths of your marriage,
• Any weak places that need to be strengthened,
• Any sin that needs to be forgiven, and
• Any celebrations that can take place for progress in the hard places.

from What Your Wife Really Wants but Can’t Tell You