Tag: UNCOMMEN: Surviving Divorce

‘Open up, ancient gates! Open up, ancient doors, and let the King of glory enter. Who is the King of glory? The Lord , strong and mighty; the Lord , invincible in battle. Open up, ancient gates! Open up, ancient doors, and let the King of glory enter. Who is the King of glory? The Lord of Heaven’s Armies— he is the King of glory. Interlude’ Psalms 24:7-10(NLT)

Scripture Reference: 

Lift up your heads, O ye gates; and be ye lifted up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in. Who is this King of glory? The Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle. Lift up your heads, O ye gates; even lift them up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in. Who is this King of glory? The Lord of hosts, he is the King of glory. Psalm 24:7-10

So far, I’ve only talked about you, and I know, if you are anything like me, your mind keeps going back to your wife. I’m guessing the thoughts get confusing most times. Love, anger, despair, hope, loneliness, and why, why, why. You want to blame, you want her to just get over it, you want her to come back, you want to have just one discussion without having it break down, you want to go back to before. It sucks, doesn’t it! Why can’t you find the key?

I’ve heard it put many different ways. My pastor put it this way. A woman builds a wall one brick at a time. An offense from you, there’s a brick. You messed up again, another brick. You broke trust, maybe two bricks. Until there’s just one brick left. When that one goes up, he says he’s only seen a couple of marriages come back in his thirty plus years of ministry. I had another pastor tell me that the door to a woman’s heart closes very slowly, but once shut, it’s nearly impossible to open again. 

What’s going on with her is that the wall is up and the door is shut. Only God can intervene. That’s why I’ve spent these posts on you. Your chances with her are completely and entirely up to her ability to submit to God, allow Him to remove some bricks, and try again. And you cannot make her submit to God. Please don’t try – disaster almost always follows. 

What is left to you is to pray and become the man you are supposed to be. When she comes to mind, when you feel desperate, when you want to shout or cry, cry out to God. Shout to Him. Submit every nagging thought to God. Wow, did I trick you? I got right back to prayer, didn’t I? 

There is no power so great as prayer. Stop fighting it. Prayer is the only thing that breaks every one of the enemies’ attacks. I’m not talking about some scrubbed and bleached version of prayer. I’m talking about down and dirty wrestling with God. Belching out your heart pain and growling in agony before Him. If you don’t talk to God like you talk to your best friend, then you might need to change the way you speak to God. You need to honor Him as God of course, but you need to be yourself. 

Do you think God can’t take hearing who you really are? If you were to spill it, anger, grief, and all. Do you think He would turn away blushing? Ha – you don’t know the Lord of Hosts. He who commands the ferocity and power of angels. He who makes the demons tremble. He who speaks and universes leap into being. He who holds the innocent child in His lap. He has the might to hear and the tenderness to meet your need. Let it out and let Him heal. 

Uncommen Challenge: Get back to prayer. Resist the urge to do something besides prayer. Set aside many times during the day to cry out to God – one minute, ten minutes, longer – whatever it takes to get through the next crisis, the next temptation to do it your own way. Write down everything He tells you and start obeying – you will change. God will be making you into the great man He’s always wanted you to be. Keep your focus there – be great, be Christlike, humble, unmovable in grace, the Gibraltar of love for everyone around you. Be the man your wife wishes she had stuck around for, regardless what she decides ultimately to do. You will not regret becoming this man! 

from UNCOMMEN: Surviving Divorce

‘But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you.’ John 14:26(NLT)

Scripture Reference: 

But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. John 14:26

We talked about submission in the last post and suggested three places to start. Here are two more. 

I submitted to good books. Most men I know hate to read. Especially books about relationships. The quickest way I know for a woman to kill a man’s spirit is to insist he read relationship books. I agree. Don’t read them now (maybe later). Read books that talk about good men and how they live life. Read books about men who have loved well. Men who are praised by their wives because their wives feel loved. Men who are praised by their children because their children feel loved. Those men – if you can find books like that. I have a few in my library – very few. 

I submitted to every inkling of the Holy Spirit. This is last but most important. You must strain to hear the silent, authoritative voice of the Spirit. He will give you everything you need. Once you hear, you must do, no hesitation. And let me warn you, the Spirit can ask you to do things that are the exact opposite of what you think is right. Do it anyway. As long as you are positive it’s the Spirit speaking. Here’s what I learned to say every morning when I woke, ‘Lord, here I am, I’m going to do whatever it is you tell me to do today, and I don’t care what anyone thinks about it.’ I found myself saying it over and over throughout the day, I still say it.

When I started submitting, I began to heal. My anger dissolved, my pride (shown mostly in my judgmental attitudes) lessened, my determination to be a good man grew, and my attention to people increased. My work got better, my walk with God became intimate in ways I never felt before, my kids became more precious to me, my whole life turned. Joy is a good word for it. 

I stumbled a lot. I failed even more. But I kept submitting. I kept tapping myself out and letting the Spirit win. I intend to continue. There are many other things I had to do to recover from the separation and divorce I didn’t want, but these were the first. Other steps included how not to blame anyone but myself (a big one for me), how to be a single dad, how to relate to those who had ‘perfect’ marriages, how to relate to women who were available, how to tell people what happened, how to face the Church, how to accept grace and forgiveness, how to accept restoration, how to not be in control, how to have fun, and many, many other things. 

I have found God to be more than faithful. My life is abundant and joyous now – yours will be too – you’ll see. 

from UNCOMMEN: Surviving Divorce

‘So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.’ 1 Peter 5:6-7(NLT)

Scripture Reference: 

Submit yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you when the time is come. Cast all your care upon him, for he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7

Prayer was changing me. What do you suppose was my next step to becoming a great man? (BTW: I’m not claiming I am great – just striving) One word: submission. 

You probably won’t find the word submission in a lot of leadership books. You won’t find it applied to men in a lot of marriage books (unless they are really good!). Most of your friends probably won’t think to give you this advice. It goes against everything our male counterparts tell us is manly. Wrestlers and MMA fighters submit losers. Submission sounds like “loser” to many. Not to God. 

Submission is a very simple concept. In sports, it means to be forcibly subdued or pinned to the point where you ‘tap out.’ In life relationship with God, it means to willfully put ourselves under Him and anyone else who will lead us to Him. It’s what I discovered I needed to do. I discovered it by asking the question, ‘How did Jesus express His manhood?’ The answer was that He submitted everything He was and did to the Father. I needed to copy Him. Here’s what it looked like, and still looks like, for me. I found five things I needed to submit to. 

I submitted to other men. I found godly men who would hold me accountable. Not ‘yes’ men who told me how sorry they were or how wonderful I was when I made a small step. I found brutally honest men who kicked me in the butt and showed me how nasty I was. ‘Yes, men’ are easy to find but provide nothing meaningful. Honorable men who have character enough to tell you straight are rare. Find them. 

I submitted to my children. My children where young adults and teenagers. I don’t mean I made them the head of the house. I mean I asked them to tell me when I was out of line, angry, rude, not likable, prideful, not like Jesus. They did, sometimes painfully, but I learned an amazing number of great lessons from them. 

I submitted to the Bible. I taught the Bible for nearly twenty-five years with my words but found out my life was far from what I said I believed. I was always reading to find what was ‘right’ – not what was ‘good.’ I traded logic for love. I looked for black and white and couldn’t see any grey. That all changed. I started looking for how Jesus treated people. How He stuck to His calling regardless how people treated Him. How He loved, how He lived, how He felt. I started hearing His heart. 

Submission like this takes humility and courage, and that comes through prayer. Keep praying as you add these layers of submission. There are two more we’ll cover next post. 

Uncommen Challenge: Which of these three things do you need to add first? Don’t have godly accountable men – find them – ask God to lead you to them. Don’t have grown children – find family members or others who can give you insight. Don’t know where to start in the Bible – who cares – just start. God will faithfully lead you. Maybe start with some of the stories of great men in the Old Testament – Moses is a good one. Just start this week – no more procrastinating!

from UNCOMMEN: Surviving Divorce

‘Jesus looked at them and said, “Then what does this Scripture mean? ‘The stone that the builders rejected has now become the cornerstone.’ Everyone who stumbles over that stone will be broken to pieces, and it will crush anyone it falls on.”’ Luke 20:17-18(NLT)

Scripture Reference: 

And he beheld them, and said, What is this then that is written, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner? Whosoever shall fall upon that stone shall be broken; but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder. Luke 20:17-18

Last post we talked about the first step to facing a truth you never dreamed would be. I wasn’t as good at taking my own advice as I would have liked. 

When my wake-up call came, I found myself ping-ponging between anger, desperation, grief, pride, numbness, and just about every other emotion and attitude that a man can have. I knew I loved her but had absolutely no way to prove it to her satisfaction. I knew I was committed to her, but that didn’t matter anymore. I was willing to do whatever it took to get her back, but it was too late. The deed was done, and there was just me, no more us. 

I wish I could say that I handled everything well from that point. It took about a year from the time she left until the divorce. In that year I think I did everything wrong, even though I was seeing a counselor and trying to follow his advice. I got angry at her, and even though she was over a thousand miles away, she felt it through texts and emails. I demanded she return. I begged (groveled actually). I cried and told her I’d change. I argued every logical reason. I offered to move out so she could be with the kids. I tried everything I could think of. No effect. 

I’m telling you this in case it describes what is happening in your world. If your actions mirror mine – you might want to take this as a warning to stop all that mess. None of it works, and it makes you less of a man. Once the divorce was final and too late for me to try anything that might work, I started learning what I needed to make the rest of my life count for God. If I couldn’t be a good husband to her, I’d be a great man, whatever that meant. Great in the sense that God would be pleased no matter if anyone else would. 

That’s when prayer started paying off. When I stopped doing all the things I could think of, I finally got around to the first step and fell on my face. Miraculous things started happening then. Not with my wife, not with my kids, not with my friends or church, but with me. God began changing me. Doing things I would never think to do to change. I wanted to be a great man for God, and He was listening. Breaking my mold, and pouring me into His. And causing more pain than I had ever felt. And it was good. 

Uncommen Challenge: Another list is appropriate here. Write down everything you’ve tried to get her back and the result. Realize that this is you trying to win – not you being broken. Take the list and burn it and stop doing those things. Instead, make it just you and God. Spend your time asking God what to do next and do it immediately once you’re sure it’s Gods step. 

from UNCOMMEN: Surviving Divorce

‘Don’t say, “I will get even for this wrong.” Wait for the Lord to handle the matter.’ Proverbs 20:22(NLT)

Scripture Reference: 

Do not say, “I will repay evil”; wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you. Proverbs 20:22

You thought things were fine. Your marriage was steady. Your kids are fine, your house is nice, you’ve provided for everyone’s needs (or so you thought), and you get along with your wife most of the time. Sure, there’s the blow up once in awhile, sex not as often as you’d like, some pet peeves lying around, but things are mostly good. Then she leaves or tells you to. 

What do you do? 

If you’ve found yourself suddenly on the receiving end of an unexpected announcement that your marriage is ending, then we have something in common. My ex-wife left without telling me our marriage was ending. I bought her a ticket to go for a visit to her parents. She never returned. I don’t know what stun grenades feel like, but I felt like an emotional stun grenade blew my emotions white. Empty.

I wasn’t completely blindsided to the fact that she was unhappy. We had been through counseling, and I thought we were working on the issues that we uncovered. But I’m pretty thick, so I didn’t see just how deep the issues and how complete her hurt. If I had seen it earlier, I might have been able to save my marriage. But there I was, alone in my bed, four kids dependent on me, no real answers, and no hope. 

I wish I could offer you the perfect three-step plan for getting your wife back, but as far as I know, it doesn’t exist. What I can offer you is the first step to dealing with it. Before we get to that, let me say something you might not expect. Get angry. Get angry with sin, with your own, with your wife’s, with sin in general and let it blow a little. Go to the gym and hit the bag, pump iron, run, scream, kick things (not the dog, or anything that will break your foot), or whatever it takes to let it out. With the exception of taking it out on any other person! Don’t do that!

When sin steals something precious, anger is appropriate. Some might tell you to hold it in. Maybe you can. But I think being angry about sin, without sinning (Eph. 4:26), is a great way to prepare for this first step. 

The first step. Get on your face before God in prayer. If you start anywhere else you’ll eventually end up here, so you might as well start here. I’m not suggesting you say some simple prayers and ask God to fix things. I’m suggesting you fall apart as a helpless and broken man and let God meet you there. Stay there till He arrives. Resist all the urges to try something else or try to get revenge. Do what our verse says, wait on God. Let Him come to start the healing. 

Uncommen Challenge: If you haven’t vented your anger, find a way to do it without hurting anyone including yourself. Make a list of the sins to be angry about and then take them one by one to God in prayer. Angry with Him? He already knows it so you might as well be real with it. Present them one by one and then wait – let God speak. Don’t move to the next one until you’ve heard from Him.

from UNCOMMEN: Surviving Divorce