Tag: UNCOMMEN Husbands

‘My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carefully to my words. Don’t lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart,’ Proverbs 4:20-21(NLT)

‘O my son, give me your heart. May your eyes take delight in following my ways.’ Proverbs 23:26(NLT)

You’ve probably heard these words DECLARED before: We Hold These Truths to be Self-Evident… In other words, everything that comes next doesn’t have to be proven, it’s just fact. We know from observing those around us. We know from our gut. Some things are just true.

So it is with the following statement, “The Most Important Thing a Dad Can Do…”

How would you fill in that blank? Check out responses on my Facebook post, and even offer your own thoughts. Many were expected truths: “be present, honest, forgiving, loving, etc.” But a few people read my mind:

The Best Thing a Dad Can Do is Love His Wife Well. (Be a loving husband!)

That’s it. It’s not rocket science. It’s self-evident. Kids are a direct beneficiary of the love shown between a man and a woman. Men cannot spend time, listen, forgive, model, say, or display anything if they are not there, and the only way to truly “be there” is to do everything in their power to protect the stability of their family.

I could throw out stats on the direct correlation between the stability of the family and the effects on children. Social sciences prove this concept ten times over, but the true test comes from your own experience. Think about your own life. How did your dad love your mom and what affect did that have on you?

You and I both know, “do what I say, not as I do?” doesn’t really work. Kids do what we do. So it begs the tough question, “What kind of man am I modeling?” Solomon said in Proverbs, “Let them (my instructions) not escape from your sight;” (4:21) and “my son…let your eyes observe my ways” (23:26).

I want my kids to adore their spouses one day. Am I adoring my wife? Do I hold her hand, kiss her, and laugh with her in front of my kids?
I want my kids to resolve conflict quickly. Am I holding grudges, shouting constantly, or pursuing peace with my wife?
I want my kids to own their mistakes. Do they see me apologizing sincerely?
I want my kids to serve their spouses one day. Do I serve my wife in practical and tangible ways?

Someone once said, “Become who you want your kids to be.” If you dream about your kids loving one person well for a lifetime, it starts with you. It almost goes without saying, that’s the best thing you can do for your kids.

Be UNCOMMEN.

from UNCOMMEN Husbands

‘In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. ‘ Ephesians 5:28(NLT)

‘I am my lover’s, and he claims me as his own.’ Song of Songs 7:10(NLT)

I’m not sure Paul was the most popular men’s retreat speaker.

When he spoke, some fell asleep…and then fell out a window (Acts 20:9). He admitted to the church at Corinth his messages were a bit convoluted (1 Cor. 2:3-5). Even his buddy Peter threw him under the bus for his ivory tower verbiage (2 Peter 3:15-16).

Then there was his unfortunate use of the word nourish in Ephesians 5:28. I’m pretty sure every guy in the audience cringed a bit when Paul said to husbands, “nourish” your wife. We may think of nutritious foods, but in Paul’s day, the word often referred to nursing moms. Try and get that picture out of your head.

When my wife used her God-given equipment to nourish our children I don’t ever remember a time when I asked her, “Honey, when was the last time you fed the baby?” and she responded, “Oh, I don’t know, it’s been a few days.”

Because instinctively a mom knows her baby’s nourishment has to be consistent, catered to their tastes, and is crucial for their survival. In the same way, Paul calls husbands to nourish their brides.

Is your love consistent? I don’t know about you, but I rarely miss a meal. Unless I’m fasting (for a very short time!), about every 4-5 hours I feed the beast. It’s all too common for our wives to go months between meals: a date night, taking a walk, go on an adventure, a simple text saying, “are you tired? You should be because you’ve been running through my mind all day long,” or a well thought out letter. Nourishment must be ongoing.

Is your love catered to her tastes? You’re not going to catch me at the all you can eat tofu bar. Unless I’m on the mission field, I generally nourish my body with stuff I like. It’s common to give love the way we want to receive love. But your love language probably doesn’t match hers. Want to know if you are catering to her “love” taste buds, ask this UNCOMMEN question: “Honey, do you feel the depth of my love? Not do you know it, but do you feel it? If not, how can I nourish your soul?”

Do you realize your love is crucial to her survival? It’s no secret many women feel malnourished by their husbands. Their closets may be stuffed with clothes and pantry stocked with food, but their souls are famished for attention and craving emotional sustenance from the one who promised to love them until “death do us part.”

The Shulamite woman said in Song of Solomon, “I am my beloved’s and his desire is for me” (7:10). Every woman wants to be wanted, pursued, and longed for.

from UNCOMMEN Husbands

‘In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. ‘ Ephesians 5:28-29(NLT)

I have a gift.

I can take my wife’s emotional temperature from across the room. When she is hot (and I don’t mean ready to slip between the sheets with me), I seek a cooler climate, perhaps on the deck with an iced tea. When she’s cold, I look for a warmer personality – like a TV – to keep me company.

Paul says, “cherish” our bride like we cherish our own bodies. The word means, “bring warmth to,” and from which we derive our words, thermal and thermostat. Unless you are in Seal training, you instinctively “cherish” your body. If it’s too hot outside, you put on your sandals and crank up the AC. If it’s too cold, you don the merino wool socks and build a fire. When Paul tells us to love our wives as we love our own bodies, he’s encouraging us to cherish their emotional needs in the same way we cherish our own physical needs.

If she’s chilly, it’s our job to warm her up. If she’s steaming, then we help lower the mercury. In other words, the call to cherish means we have to engage when we’d rather shrink back.

Whenever I sense a slight irritation with my wife, my tendency is to pull away. But if I get a tiny sliver in my finger, my whole body springs into action. My nerves shoot pain warnings to my brain; like missile lock, my eyes fix on the problem; my legs halt any movement; my other digits dig out the intruder. Proportionally the sliver affects a small surface area, but my whole body responds. I wish that was true in my marriage. When a sliver of bitterness or frustration gets between us, rather than initiate, I let it fester.

Paul says earlier in this letter, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger”

from UNCOMMEN Husbands

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. ‘ Ephesians 5:25-28(NLT)

‘And when I passed by again, I saw that you were old enough for love. So I wrapped my cloak around you to cover your nakedness and declared my marriage vows. I made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign Lord , and you became mine. “Then I bathed you and washed off your blood, and I rubbed fragrant oils into your skin. I gave you expensive clothing of fine linen and silk, beautifully embroidered, and sandals made of fine goatskin leather. I gave you lovely jewelry, bracelets, beautiful necklaces, a ring for your nose, earrings for your ears, and a lovely crown for your head. And so you were adorned with gold and silver. Your clothes were made of fine linen and costly fabric and were beautifully embroidered. You ate the finest foods—choice flour, honey, and olive oil—and became more beautiful than ever. You looked like a queen, and so you were! Your fame soon spread throughout the world because of your beauty. I dressed you in my splendor and perfected your beauty, says the Sovereign Lord .’ Ezekiel 16:8-14(NLT)

Don’t think too hard; just answer in one or two phrases. I’m going to wager you picked from a couple of general themes. Maybe you love her because of something she does for you: She’s beautiful. She’s funny. She makes you feel strong. She lifts you up. She’s godly. She’s, well, fun in bed.

Or you love her because it’s expected: You know it’s the right thing to do. After all, Paul said, “Husbands, love your wives” (Eph. 5:25).

Perhaps it’s a mixture of both. The first motivation capitalizes on her performance. The second focuses on your obligation. Both reasons are COMMON. And both reasons eventually run out of steam.

As men, we tend to love shiny gadgets. We crave the latest and greatest. So when the shine wears off a man’s bride, it’s no wonder we are tempted to pine for an upgrade. You may not pursue another woman, but if your primary motivation for loving your wife is her performance, at times, you secretly hope your wife will change. You may even drop some not so subtle hints:

“You working out today?”
“Remember when you wore a bikini?”
“I love the way Deron’s wife talks about him to others.”

Paul calls us to love our wives as Christ loves the church, but then Paul gives us the motivation – because one day Jesus will present the bride back to God (Eph. 5:26-28).

I’m guessing when Paul wrote this phrase, he might have read Ezek.16:8-14 that morning. God never loved Israel because of how she looked in the mirror or her impressive resume. God’s bride blossoms after the wedding day and becomes more beautiful and splendid over time, not because she “worked out” or “aged gracefully,” but because God loved her into radiance. If a man views the wedding day as the height of his bride’s beauty, then he will never love like Jesus. He’ll constantly be comparing what was rather than anticipating his role in what could be. For Jesus, the wedding day was simply the start of a lifelong extreme makeover designed to advance his bride to royalty.

When we love someone based on their performance: what they say, how they act, how they look, eventually they will let you down. None of us are perfect, and if you’re honest you long to be respected and loved by your wife because of you who are, not what you do or how you look. Trust me, as you get older, the mirror will become far more revealing than appealing. Performance driven relationships are exhausting.

When we love based on obligation, eventually marriage transforms into a cold union. Duty without a sense of glory always leads to drudgery. And drudgery always leads to death. It may not be the death of a marriage, but many marriages experience the death of intimacy. They married a soulmate, but ended up with a roommate.

Why do you love your wife? If it’s because of how she makes you feel or because it’s your duty, you’ll end up with a COMMON marriage. But if you want to be UNCOMMEN, love your bride as Christ loved the Church – who saw the glory in one day presenting his bride back to His heavenly father – even more beautiful than the day they got hitched.

from UNCOMMEN Husbands

‘When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:11(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NLT)

You might have heard the phrase, “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways” (1 Cor. 13:11).

You’d think Paul wrote this phrase right after his call to the Corinthian men to “act like men” in 1 Corinthians 16:13. But he didn’t. Instead he wrote it after a passage you expect to find ensconced in crochet or festooned on flowery greeting cards:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Yeah, the “love” chapter. “Love” in our culture is like WD-40. We spray it on everything: I love burgers; I love the Cowboys; I love my wife. Hopefully our love for our wives means more than our love for cooked cow or grown men tackling each other. Paul indicates there a came a time in his life when he grew out of an immature, boyish love and embraced a more mature, and dare we say, manly love.

If we’re going to love our wives like Christ loved the church, we must let the boy die. And in marriage, that’s far easier said than done. Check out the comparisons below:

Boys retaliate quickly when hurt; manly love is patient and kind.
Boys require constant affirmation; manly love is not arrogant or rude.
Boys stew, stammer, and hold grudges when they don’t get their way; manly love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.
Boys try to win every argument; manly love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Boys have a short fuse; manly love bears all things.
Boys write people off when wronged; manly love believes God’s best for the relationship.
Boys lose hope after they’re hurt; manly love always hopes for reconciliation regardless of the pain.
Boys expect to be served; manly love endures all things.

What’s one way to let the boy die in you this week? Endure a minor offense? Reflect on a criticism rather than retaliate? Serve in a tangible way (i.e. put the toilet seat down, offer to take the kids when you are tired, make the bed with all the throw pillows placed perfectly, etc…)?

At the end of his letter to this small church in Corinth, Paul wrote, “stand firm, act like men, be strong” (1 Cor. 16:13). This might have been Paul’s way to say, “BE UNCOMMEN!” Then he says, “let all that you do be done in love” (1 Cor. 16:14). One of the manliest things a man can do is love his wife in a manly way.

from UNCOMMEN Husbands