Tag: The SYMBIS Assessment Plan

‘But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of everyone else. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”’ Mark 10:43-45(NLT)

As you review the list of spiritual practices on this page of your SYMBIS report, we want to highlight one in particular: serving others together. Few things can cultivate more intimacy than reaching out to the world as a team.

Doing good for others as a couple – adding value to their lives – brings a mystical quality into your own relationship. It helps you transcend yourselves and become part of something larger.

God is committed to one major objective: Helping us conform to the image of his Son (see Phil. 2:5-11). And his Son, scripture says, came not to be served but to serve (Mark 10:45). It is as straight forward as that. God wants us to be a giving people. As we saw in our last reading, Philippians 2:4 says, “look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Galatians 5:13 puts it this way, “serve one another in love.”

The value of service, underscored in scripture, is tough to ignore.

So as we wrap up this reading plan to accompany your SYMBIS Report, we want to make something plain: your eventual marriage is a great means to becoming more like Christ. How? We like the way Paul says it: “by spurring one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb. 10:24). Marriage helps us do that and when we join our efforts in service together we are doubly blessed.

There are literally hundreds of ways to incorporate shared service into your marriage — offering hospitality in your home, volunteering at a shelter, sponsoring a needy child, working in the church nursery. The key is to find something that fits your personal style as a couple.

One of the ways we enjoy reaching out as a couple is to do something anonymously. Even something small. It is an act of kindness that is concealed from everyone but the two of us. Our own sense of devotion and intimacy deepens as we secretly observe the results of our service.

So read this passage and discuss ways you can begin serving others as a couple.

from The SYMBIS Assessment Plan by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:4(NLT)

‘If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person?’ 1 John 3:17(NLT)

‘Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.’ 1 Corinthians 10:24(NLT)

“You’re going to vacuum before they get here, right?” Leslie asked in an anxious tone as we were pulling into the garage.

“I’ve got it under control,” I murmured.

We jumped out of the car, each grabbed an arm full of groceries and hurried toward the kitchen. “I’ll take care of these groceries so you can get started on the vacuuming,” Leslie said. The tension was rising because in less than an hour, two other couples would be at our doorstep expecting a dinner party. “Don’t forget to light the candles and turn on the music before they get here” Leslie hollered from the kitchen. I heard what she said but didn’t reply as I walked into my study to check my email.

Only a couple of minutes passed, it seemed to me, when Leslie came in to my study and in exasperation asked: “What are you doing?”

“Reading my mail,” I responded defensively and with the best look of confusion I could put on my face. She didn’t buy it. “Don’t worry,” I said, “I’ll take care of the other stuff.” Leslie sighed and left the room. Five minutes later I heard the sound of the vacuum in the living room. I’m almost done here and then I’ll go in and help her, I said to myself. Ten minutes later the vacuum stopped. I bolted from my chair and walked to the living room. “I thought I was going to do this,” I said to Leslie. “So did I,” she replied.

Once you’re married, you’ll see how tempting it is to weasel your way out of your partner’s “to do” list. After all, you’ll feel tired, busy, preoccupied, maxed-out, whatever. Lots of reasons can seemingly justify one of the deadliest saboteurs of a healthy marriage: selfishness.

And subtle selfishness is the catalyst for a lot of conflict among couples. The Bible has a lot to say on the topic. We’ve selected just a few verses. As you read them, peruse the conflict page of your SYMBIS Report again and consider not only your differing “fight types” but how you might be prone to subtle selfishness.

from The SYMBIS Assessment Plan by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:22-24(NLT)

Blind spots. We all have them. Research has shown that we don’t know ourselves as well as we think we do. Psychological and spiritual blind spots keep us from seeing the truth. They distort our perceptions. They trick our reality. And they feed us misinformation. Like the physical blind spots in automobiles, our personal blind spots steer us into danger if we’re not careful (see Matt 15:14).

And there are few areas more prone to becoming “blind spots” in a marriage than gender differences. It’s so easy to neglect them because we’re not being intentional about seeing them.

For example, in general, men have better special awareness and navigational abilities than women. It’s even been seen in studies of 3-month-old infants. Women, on the other hand are typically better at remembering where things are (which is why they tend to navigate by landmarks more than maps). The list of gender differences and abilities stretches on an on. We all get that. What matters in marriage is that we remind ourselves often that God made each of us differently and we can learn from that.

It’s not easy work, of course, but the payoffs are certainly sweet. That’s why we want you to review the gender page of your SYMBIS Report again. Really study it – as well as this passage in Genesis. And project yourselves 10 years into the future, imagining what your marriage will look like. In what ways might you relate to each other then what you’re not doing currently? Why? And how are the differences and the directives spelled out on this page taking root in your marriage 10 years from now? How will you prevent them from becoming blind spots?

from The SYMBIS Assessment Plan by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. ‘ 1 Peter 3:8(NLT)

Did you know that communication is the very lifeblood of your relationship? And yet it is the number one complaint most couples have about their relationship.

“We just don’t communicate,” is a common refrain in many counselors’ offices. Or, “We never have time just to talk” is one we hear a lot. But the one that makes us cringe the most is “When we finally find the time to talk, we don’t have anything to say.”

Whether a relationship sinks or swims depends on how well a husband and wife send and receive messages, how well they use their conversations to understand and be understood.

Think about it. If you are feeling especially close to your partner, it is because you are communicating well. Your spirits are up. You are in tune. And when communication falls flat, when you feel stuck and you’re talking in circles, relational satisfaction drops. As we said in our recent book, Love Talk, communication, more than any other aspect of your relationship, can either buoy relational intimacy or be the deadweight of its demise.

That’s why this page of your SYMBIS Assessment is so important. It literally reveals your personal “talk styles.” And regardless of how each of you is hard-wired for a conversation, one thing is certain: As a married couple you will need to exert special effort to keep your talk-life alive.

So after reviewing this page of your SYMBIS Report, what do you believe you’ll need to work on personally to live out this biblical passage from I Peter and why?

from The SYMBIS Assessment Plan by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.’ Ephesians 6:10-12(NLT)

We had just finished speaking at a camp in the San Juan Islands off the coast of Washington when a small plane buzzed overhead and landed on a nearby airstrip. A few minutes later the pilot was flying us over the islands of Puget Sound and we were approaching the lights of a local airport. “The most important thing about landing is the attitude of the plane,” said the pilot.

“You mean altitude, don’t you?” We asked.

“No,” the pilot explained. “The attitude has to do with the nose of the plane. If the attitude is too high the plane will come down with a severe bounce. And if the attitude is too low the plane may go out of control because of excessive landing speed.”

Then the pilot said something that got my attention: “The trick is to get the right attitude in spite of atmospheric conditions.”

Without knowing it, our pilot had given us a perfect analogy for what this page of your SYMBIS Report is all about — developing the right attitude in spite of the circumstances we find ourselves in.

It is no accident that some couples who encounter marital turbulence navigate it successfully while others in similar circumstances are dominated by frustration, disappointment and eventual despair. It is no accident, also, that some couples are radiant, positive, and happy while other couples are beaten down, defeated, and anxiety-ridden.

Researchers who have searched for the difference between the two have come up with all kinds of correlates to marital success, but the bottom line is that the most fulfilled couples are not lucky, they decide to be happy in spite of whatever life deals them.

After seeing the results of this page on attitude, what kind of mental strength do you want to put on your permanent prayer list for each other and your relationship and why?

from The SYMBIS Assessment Plan by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13(NLT)

“You didn’t need to do that.”

“I know — I wanted to,” Les replied.

All morning I was working like mad to complete a report that was due after lunch. It was an unusually hot, muggy, Seattle morning in August and I was parked at the kitchen table in front of my laptop when Les quietly slipped in and set up a fan to cool the room.

“I don’t know if it will make any difference,” Les said while trying to place the fan in just the right place, “but I thought it was worth a try.”

I don’t know if the fan did anything to alleviate the oppressive heat that morning, but I do recall feeling suddenly soothed by my husband’s kindness. Why? Because he didn’t have to go to the trouble of scrounging around our basement, still wearing his pre-shower bath robe, to find our old fan in an attempt to make me feel better. I didn’t ask him to do it. He never even heard me complain about the heat. He wasn’t looking for appreciation, to make amends, or to get something in return. Nope. This was sheer kindness.

It’s easy to gloss over the simple idea that “love is kind” while reading Paul’s Love Poem in 1 Corinthians 13. But if we do skip over this critical quality of love, we are missing out on one of the most revolutionary relationship-truths in the universe. Kindness is an integral part of love because it stems from an attitude that desires neither monetary payment nor human applause.

Kindness comes from a million small behaviors that enhance the life of the one we love. Make no mistake about it: Once we remove kindness from a loving heart it is only a matter of time before it atrophies and love is lost altogether.

So what will each of you do to make kindness a common occurrence in your relationship? Read through 1 Corinthians 13 together in a few different translations. Hear it with new ears. And consider how each of the qualities of love – including kindness – will be part of your love map together.

from The SYMBIS Assessment Plan by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. ‘ James 1:17(NLT)

People who thrive, who excel to the highest levels – personally and professionally – have at least one thing in common: They know what they do best. Warren Buffett, “the world’s greatest investor,” is an easy professional example. This down-home, slightly disheveled financial titan from Nebraska may not seem like one of the wealthiest men ever, but he certainly knows how to sniff out a good investment. His patient and practical mind make this his signature strength. What makes him special, according to experts is that he became aware of it. Buffet knows what he does well and what he doesn’t.

The tragedy of life for many people is not that they don’t have enough strengths, it’s that we are unaware of the ones they have. Benjamin Franklin aptly called these wasted strengths “sundials in the shade.”

The same is true of couples. Those who go the distance and live life well, are aware of each other’s strengths. They understand and appreciate one another’s God-given personalities. The value each other’s hard-wiring and they make an effort to study it, increasing their awareness as a couple.

Well, you’re well on your way to doing just that. The two personality pages of your SYMBIS Report give you a very clear picture of your individual and relationship strengths.

Take a moment right now, each of you, to identify a personal strength in the other person that you don’t think they fully recognize. Help your partner see a God-given strength in their personality that you think they may not be seeing the way you do.

from The SYMBIS Assessment Plan by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ‘ Galatians 5:22(NLT)

What do you know about your grandparent’s marriage? Your great grandparent’s marriage? Of course you know plenty about your mom and dad’s relationship. After all, it was your model for marriage growing up. Whether it was happy or sad, or nearly non-existent, you observed it up close and personal.

All of us take something from the previous generation’s example of marriage into our own. It’s inevitable. We may even resist some aspect of our parent’s marriage and then find ourselves doing the very same thing. We psychologists call that an introject – it’s kind of like getting injected with ways of being from our family of origin. And this process can offer both good and bad character qualities. But make no mistake; we are all inextricably linked to our family’s lineage.

From generation to generation we are handed responsibilities and qualities that keep the customs going – whether we know it or not. So take a moment to explore what you’re apt to bring into your marriage from your bloodline. Simply talking about this “relational inheritance” will make it more conscious and shed light on your current conditions.

As you review the findings on the Expectation page of your SYMBIS Report, consider your family’s positive qualities as well as your family’s inevitable shortcomings. How are they likely to shape or impact your marriage? And more importantly, how can each of you, in spite of whatever expectations have been shaped by your family of origin, embody the “fruit of the spirit” in order to take the very best your families had to offer and allow them to be used by God in your relationship?

from The SYMBIS Assessment Plan by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones. Learn from their ways and become wise! Though they have no prince or governor or ruler to make them work, they labor hard all summer, gathering food for the winter.’ Proverbs 6:6-8(NLT)

“Why do you always make the money decisions?” Leslie asked me.

We were standing in the middle of a department store trying to choose a new couch for our apartment. And it seemed to her that I was controlling the purse strings.

“I don’t make the money decisions,” I said, “our bank account does.”

That remark was followed by a lengthy, whiny discussion — okay, it was a fight — over how we manage, or should manage, our money. Was I in charge or were we in charge? It’s an important question for all of us.

I don’t know how you would answer that question but if you are like most people we counsel you might be saying, “We can talk about almost anything except money.” And that’s understandable. Money is a touchy subject for most. The topic sometimes brings out the worst in people. We become withdrawn, pushy, or manipulative.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. With the right attitude and an honest agenda, couples can effectively communicate about getting out of debt, spending and giving, investing, and all the rest.

As you consider the information on your Money Matrix from your SYMBIS Assessment Report, what troubles you most and why? Also, what do you see on this page that gives you the most optimism about how the two of you will manage your money? And what do you think this passage from the sixth chapter of Proverbs has to say about your relations when it comes to finances?

from The SYMBIS Assessment Plan by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘Come, let us worship and bow down. Let us kneel before the Lord our maker,’ Psalms 95:6(NLT)

‘And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.’ Hebrews 10:25(NLT)

A friend of ours told us a funny story about two guys who were fishing fanatics. On a recent Sunday morning they arose at 4:00 a.m. and drove more than a hundred miles into the mountains expecting to catch trout in their favorite secluded stream whose location had been kept secret by them for years.

After hiking two miles in from the road their enthusiasm was dampened and the expedition aborted when they saw that rains farther up stream had produced silt which muddied the waters and made fishing impractical. In their disgust one said to the other, “You might as well have stayed home and gone to church,” to which his companion retorted with a straight face, “Oh, I can’t go to church anyhow; my wife is sick.”

The church where we worship is a place of support and spiritual refueling. Singing hymns, learning from Scripture, worshipping God, and meeting with friends who share our spiritual quest is comforting and inspiring. Worshipping together buoys our relationship and makes the week ahead more meaningful.

How we choose to incorporate the church into our marriage is critically important to our relationship. Paul recognized the idea of the church as being God’s family when he said we are “members of God’s household” (Eph. 2:19). When Jesus taught his disciples to pray he did not say “my Father”; he said, “our Father.” We cannot live the Christian life in isolation. Even a loving couple needs a community of worship.

As you begin your married life together how do you see the church as a part of it? Be as specific as you can about how you each imagine your involvement in church together as well as individually. How do these Bible passages relate to what you plan to do?

from The SYMBIS Assessment Plan by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott