Tag: The Lies Couples Believe

‘An open rebuke is better than hidden love!’ Proverbs 27:5(NLT)

‘Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 4:15(NLT)

‘“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. ‘ Matthew 18:15(NLT)

Lie #6: You need to accept me as I am, and never, under any circumstance, ask me to change.

The painful part of marriage for many of us is how often we feel that our spouse’s feedback about our flaws lacks both grace and truth. Sadly, many husbands and wives have so much anger and resentment toward each other that when they finally say something about their partners’ flaws, it is unkind (mean, hateful, shaming) and inaccurate (distorted, disproportional, and untrue). As Aristotle so eloquently put it, “Anyone can become angry—that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way—that is not within everyone’s power and that is not easy.” When it comes to marriage, we sometimes feel our spouses go after our faults at the wrong time, for the wrong purpose, and in the wrong way.

It is important to understand that marriage is about the tender and tough sides of love. It is about being gracious, but it is also about being truthful. Whether we like it or not, God wants to use our spouses as mouthpieces to address our rough edges, those seemingly small things about us that are bothersome and even wounding to our spouses. God can’t do that if all we want from our spouses is for them to “get off our backs” and bathe us in unconditional positive regard.

So, please, listen to what your spouse says you need to change about yourself. It may well be from God Himself. And even if your spouse says things about you at the wrong time, in the wrong way, and with the wrong motive, try to be man or woman enough to listen for the part that is true and to allow God to polish that particular rough edge. Seek your spouse’s input on your flaws and defects. If both of you would be willing to do that, over time not only will you become a better “I am what I am,” but your marriage will also become a better “We are what we are.”

God, I have been defensive about my flaws and have reacted badly when my spouse points them out. Help me graciously receive my spouse’s feedback about my flaws—rather than get defensive or angry—and prayerfully bring that feedback to you.

from The Lies Couples Believe

‘“Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?” The man replied, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.” Then the Lord God asked the woman, “What have you done?” “The serpent deceived me,” she replied. “That’s why I ate it.”’ Genesis 3:11-13(NLT)

‘Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.’ Hebrews 4:13(NLT)

‘Yes, each of us will give a personal account to God. ‘ Romans 14:12(NLT)

Lie #5: Our marital problems are all my spouse’s fault.

The truth of the matter is that both of you are responsible for the state of your marriage, regardless of who committed the offense of the moment or any offenses in the past. Let me explain.

Marriage is an “it takes two to tango” relationship in which both of you contribute, for better or for worse, to the overall health or sickness of the relationship. Think of yourselves as a mixed-doubles team in tennis. If you were to get beaten by an opponent, you wouldn’t blame your partner for this loss, would you? In order for your partner to have been the sole reason for the loss, every ball in the match would have to have been hit only to your spouse, who then didn’t make any returns. This would mean you couldn’t—or didn’t—even participate.

If you want to have a healthy, loving marriage, you have to stop blaming your spouse for how you feel and how you act and you must stop allowing your spouse to blame you for how he or she feels and acts. Two important steps come into play when taking appropriate responsibility in marriage.

First, you have to switch from “you” language to “I” language. Try to discipline yourself to stop saying, “You made me mad.” Say instead, “I feel angry about what you did…” It may sound like semantics, but you are not going to stop blaming your spouse for your feelings and actions until you start using the word “I” rather than “you” in marriage.

Second, when you blame your feelings or actions on your spouse, make sure you apologize and ask for his or her forgiveness.

If you are going to let the truth set you free in your marriage, you can no longer blame your spouse for how the marriage is going or for how you feel or act. And you can no longer accept blame for how the marriage is going and for how your spouse feels or acts. Both of you need to take joint responsibility for how the marriage is doing and sole responsibility for how you feel and act toward each other.

God, too much of my marital life has been spent blaming my spouse for how I feel and how I act. I am truly sorry. Help me to stop blaming my spouse and to start taking responsibility for my contribution to the problems we have in our marriage and for the way I treat my spouse.

from The Lies Couples Believe

‘The Lord mocks the mockers but is gracious to the humble.’ Proverbs 3:34(NLT)

‘Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ‘ Matthew 11:29(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. ‘ Ephesians 4:2(NLT)

Lie #4: I’m entitled to what I want from my spouse.

Having the attitude of Christ in marriage means you understand this: you are not now, nor will you ever be, entitled to anything from your spouse. This means do not think you are entitled to your spouse being loving, kind, thoughtful, supportive, fair, sexual, responsible, hardworking, giving, loyal, attentive, or anything else.

Letting go of feeling you are entitled doesn’t mean you let go of wanting or desiring things from your spouse. It is perfectly appropriate to want or desire that your spouse meet your spiritual, emotional, sexual, and financial needs in marriage and to feel disappointed, sad, hurt, and frustrated when he or she doesn’t. Let’s go back to the life of Christ to understand this.

While Christ never felt entitled to anything from others, at times He put His needs in play and hoped they would be met. For example, when His soul was “overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” about the cross that awaited Him, Christ told His disciples to “stay… and keep watch” while He went off to pray (Mark 14:34). After He finished praying, Christ came back “and found them sleeping” (Mark 14:37). Nevertheless, because Christ didn’t feel entitled to their support, He wasn’t bitter or resentful toward His disciples after they fell asleep when He needed them most.

If you want your marriage to thrive, you must learn to express your needs without feeling entitled to your spouse meeting them. In the days and weeks to come, instead of saying to your spouse, “I expect more time and attention from you than I’ve been getting,” say, “Would you be willing to spend more time with me?” Remember, there is a right way to express your needs to your spouse and to express the hurt and anger you feel when your spouse does not meet them.

I want to challenge you to make a decision right now to drop your attitude of entitlement in your marriage and to adopt an attitude of humility. Instead of demanding, humbly ask your spouse to meet your needs.

God, how incredible it is that You give so much to us but don’t feel owed anything in return. Please help me be more like you, completely humble in spirit. Help me realize that even though I desire love from my spouse, I am to expect nothing from my spouse, that my spouse owes me nothing, and that I am entitled to nothing.

from The Lies Couples Believe

‘Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. ‘ Romans 12:3(NLT)

‘And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. ‘ Romans 7:18-19(NLT)

‘In the same way, you who are younger must accept the authority of the elders. And all of you, dress yourselves in humility as you relate to one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”’ 1 Peter 5:5(NLT)

Lie #3: I’m a much better person than you.

You must believe two things in order to fight this lie. First, there is nothing about your fallen self that is “good.” The Bible clearly says that all of us come into the world with an inclination toward badness, which is referred to as the “flesh,” or “sin nature.” Paul especially knew his sin nature tainted everything about him, not just certain areas of his life.

What I’m trying to emphasize is that you need to stop denying your flaws across every dimension of who you are. There is nothing about you that your bent toward badness hasn’t stained. Let me put it a different way: You need to get off your high horse and stop believing that there is anything about you that is perfectly good. There isn’t.

Secondly, you have to believe that you are not a better person than your spouse. Each of us comes into the world with a bent to do sinful things, so if you think you are a better person than your spouse, you’re basically saying, “My badness isn’t nearly as bad as my spouse’s badness.” Do you really want to argue that?

You may not like this, but I need to say it: Even if you would never do the same grossly sinful thing your spouse has done, in your natural bent toward sin, you are capable of doing the same thing or have already done the equivalent. God wants you to compare yourself with the only truly good person who ever lived, Christ.

If you want a healthy and thriving marriage, you need to do three things: (1) turn away from the crazy notion that you are basically good and turn toward the biblical view that your natural bent is to sin, (2) accept that you are no better or worse than your spouse compared with Christ, and (3) ask God to help you be humble (have an accurate sense of who you really are) when you interact with your mate.

God, when you look at my many flaws and imperfections, it is not in a condemning or shaming manner. Help me stop being so full of myself that I think I am better than my spouse. Forgive me for believing I am more like You than I am like my spouse.

from The Lies Couples Believe

‘And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.’ Philippians 4:19(NLT)

‘For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”’ Matthew 20:28(NLT)

Lie #2: My spouse can categorically, completely, and comprehensively meet all my needs.

To fight this lie, we need to humbly and gratefully acknowledge that God is the one who “will meet all [our] needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:19). God is the only one capable of fully meeting our needs. We are to turn to God as the one who can completely meet our needs, not our spouses.

To apply this truth to your marriage, go to God with a particular need you have and ask Him to meet that need through your spouse. I think we can safely assume that God wants to work through your spouse to meet the legitimate needs you have. Then, take that need to your spouse and ask if he or she would be willing to meet it.

Finally, we are to acknowledge that Christ “did not come to be served, but to serve” (Matt. 20:28). The idea here is that rather than go into marriage each day looking to take from our spouses, we need to be looking to give to our spouses.

The practical application of serving each other in marriage is difficult because in our “flesh” we are inherently bent toward taking, not giving. A lot of us are in a “two ticks and no dog” marriage in which we take so much more from each other than we give. Christ, the perfect role model for what it means to love, gave so much more than He ever received. It is extremely humbling to follow Christ’s example, especially when your spouse doesn’t seem to have any interest in doing so.

Another human being cannot complete you. Let’s lower the bar to a more human level when it comes to the needs we want our spouses to meet. Instead of demanding our spouses meet all our needs, let’s ask them to meet the needs they can, genuinely appreciate it when they do, and watch in great anticipation as God meets all our needs through the people and means available to Him. Deal?

God, please help me to take my needs to You each day and be truly thankful for how You choose to meet them. Help me become the kind of person who thinks first about what my spouse needs from me and to gladly meet those needs.

from The Lies Couples Believe

‘So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.’ James 1:4(NLT)

‘So let us stop going over the basic teachings about Christ again and again. Let us go on instead and become mature in our understanding. Surely we don’t need to start again with the fundamental importance of repenting from evil deeds and placing our faith in God. ‘ Hebrews 6:1(NLT)

‘They think, “Nothing bad will ever happen to us! We will be free of trouble forever!”’ Psalms 10:6(NLT)

Lie #1: Being in love and feeling happy are the most important things in marriage.

I took up golf about fifteen years ago. Let’s assume for a minute that God was the one who wanted me to play golf (which I, however self-servingly, believe to be true). Now, let’s ask the million-dollar question: Why did God want me to play golf? Initially, I thought it was because God wanted me to be happy. But once I started playing, I quickly realized my error. How did I know? I was really unhappy when I first started playing golf because I was really bad at it.

I’ve come to realize that golf is not designed to make golfers happy. Golf is designed to make golfers really unhappy and, as a result, motivate them to become better golfers who are “mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:4). I believe God wanted me to play golf because He wanted to use that particular sport to help me grow as a person, both spiritually and psychologically (which, by the way, I don’t always appreciate!). Now when I encounter challenges and setbacks on the golf course, I look at them as opportunities to learn new skills and to become a stronger, more competent golfer.

Let’s apply this golf discussion to marriage. Imagine a marriage in which the husband and wife think marriage is supposed to make them happy. They are miserable whenever conflicts and setbacks arise and may eventually want to walk away from the marriage altogether. Consider how different this husband and wife would feel if they approached marriage with the focus of growing into more mature, agape-loving people who helped each other do the same. Each day would be an opportunity to learn something new about marriage and about each other. Each day would open the door for them to grow into more fully loving and wholehearted people. And, yes, both of them would be content, peaceful, and, dare I say it—happy—as a result.

God, please help me to stop focusing on my happiness and start focusing on helping me and my spouse mature. Please help me to see the shortsightedness of seeking primarily happiness in marriage.

from The Lies Couples Believe

‘We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. ‘ 2 Corinthians 10:5(NLT)

‘Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:2(NLT)

If you were to ask a married couple what caused the marital conflict they just experienced, you would probably get two different answers. Maybe Julie would tell you Mike doesn’t help her around the house enough and uses pressure at work to justify it. Mike, then would tell you Julie expects way too much and is not very understanding about the stress he is under. Unfortunately, both would agree on one thing: the problem in their marriage is the other person, and if he or she would just be more loving and caring, all their marital troubles would disappear.

To a certain degree, Mike and Julie are right. A major problem in their marriage (and every marriage) is that neither spouse treated the other in a fully loving manner, and Mike and Julie’s marriage wasn’t going to improve much until they began to treat each other more caringly and considerately. But I say “to a certain degree” because neither Mike nor Julie saw the other major problem in their marriage.

This book is about the other major problem—faulty beliefs, attitudes, and expectations. Simply put, it is about the lies we believe about marriage. All of us enter marriage believing certain lies about holy matrimony, and these lies can cause our marriages to become unholy messes. This is what was happening to Mike and Julie. They had a disappointing and disconnected relationship because they had flawed ways of thinking about marriage, which led them to treat each other poorly at times. As long as those faulty beliefs stayed hidden and went unchanged, Mike and Julie would remain stuck in a frustrating and intimacy-damaging dance with each other.

The bottom line of this book is this: Your attitudes and expectations are important in determining the kind of relationship you have as husband and wife. The right attitude can help you create a loving marriage, and the wrong attitude can help you create an unloving one. And here’s the deal: You each get to decide what your beliefs and expectations in marriage are going to be. God has left that choice totally up to you.

God, please remove the scales from my eyes that keep me from seeing and believing the truth. Help me to admit that many of the beliefs I have about marriage are at odds with how You view this sacred relationship. Thank You, God, that You are Truth and that there is no hint of falsehood in You.

from The Lies Couples Believe