Tag: The First Few Years Of Marriage

‘And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ‘ Philippians 4:8(NLT)

‘Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.’ Ephesians 4:29(NLT)

‘This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. ‘ John 15:12(NLT)

At a recent marriage conference, I (Doug) passed out a pair of cheap swim goggles to each couple in the audience. First, I had all the men put on the goggles and then look at their wives. It was pretty funny watching grown men maneuvering the goggles in an attempt to look cool. Then it was the women’s turn to try them on. Many were conscious of their hair, and it was obvious they weren’t pleased they were doing such a silly activity.

After all the couples had tried on the goggles, I said, “Part of the struggle of wearing these goggles is, one, they’re uncomfortable and don’t feel natural; two, they need adjustments to make them fit; and three, they require practicing in water before they’ll work the way they’re designed to.”

I then asked the couples to place the goggles in a conspicuous spot in their bedroom or bathroom (e.g., on a dresser, in the shower, on the bathroom sink, etc.) as a daily reminder to see their spouses in a more positive light.

If you don’t want to drift in your marriage, you have to put on your positive goggles every day. As I told the couples at the marriage conference, this may feel uncomfortable and unnatural at first, you’ll probably need to make some adjustments, and you’ll most likely have to practice before positivity becomes a default response. But once you make the bold and courageous decision to move from negativity to a more positive tone in your marriage, we’re confident you’ll begin to see your marriage change for the better. Being positive about each other isn’t a feeling; it’s a daily choice that you have the power to make. So go ahead. Put on your positive goggles!

from The First Few Years Of Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

‘Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18(NLT)

‘Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart. ‘ Colossians 4:2(NLT)

‘Let us come to him with thanksgiving. Let us sing psalms of praise to him. For the Lord is a great God, a great King above all gods.’ Psalms 95:2-3(NLT)

Doug often teases me (Jim) and says that I have a way of weaving a certain theme into just about every message I give. It’s what I call “thank therapy.” It’s my life message, so I confess that I’m a bit fanatical about it. But I’m okay being teased about it as long as you grasp this life-changing idea. The practice of gratitude has become the key to who I am as a person and has definitely been the foundation of my forty-plus-year marriage to Cathy.

Thank therapy is simply focusing on what you can be thankful for rather than what you could complain about. I challenge people to develop the daily habit of writing down twenty reasons why they’re thankful. I know it sounds like a lot, but coming up with tenty reasons is the secret sauce that forces you into a more positive mindset. This discipline isn’t a magic wand to eliminate your negative circumstances, but it is magical in how quickly it works to change your attitude. It’s nearly impossible to feel both grateful and negative at the same time. Thank therapy works for me, it works for Doug (even though he teases me), and it will work for you and your marriage. Thankfulness wins over negativity.

A few years ago, Cathy and I took a most romantic trip up the coast of California to the beautiful beach town of Carmel. Our time together was simply enchanting. It was filled with long walks along the breathtaking coast, intimate conversations over lingering meals, and the freedom of extended times of romance. Really, it was all so stunning!

As we prepared to drive back home along the Pacific Coast Highway, we reflected on how wonderful our time had been and how it had refueled our relationship. Driving down the winding road along the cliffs, we saw dolphins playing in the ocean and majestic birds highlighting the beauty of God’s creation. Then out of nowhere, Cathy looked at me and said matter-of-factly, “Jim, I think you’re getting a double chin!”

Immediately the dolphins disappeared, the majestic birds flew away, and all that scenic beauty transformed into an emotion called hurt.

I’m not sure what Cathy was expecting me to say in response, but believe me, I was not only hurt; I was angry. My default response to being hurt is to go quiet, and I got very quiet—double-chin quiet. I didn’t speak for forty-five minutes as we continued driving. Cathy seemed so engrossed in the beautiful scenery that I’m not even sure she noticed my silent, passive-aggressive behavior. As she was whistling, I was stewing … until I heard the “still, small voice” in my head that I needed to practice gratefulness. It was time for thank therapy.

So with gritted teeth and a double chin, I silently prayed, Thank You for Cathy, even if she thinks I’m getting fat. I then added, And thank You for the incredible time we had. Thank You for the wonderful mother Cathy is to our girls. Thank You for giving her to me as the most amazing partner in our ministry to families … And the list grew. After naming about twenty reasons I was grateful for Cathy, I leaned toward her, gave her a kiss, and said, “I love you, Cathy!”

She looked at me with a smirk and said, “Oh, I thought you were mad at me because I mentioned you’re getting a double chin.”

For the moment at least, the practice of thankfulness worked for me, and it will work for you too.

from The First Few Years Of Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ‘ Ephesians 4:2-3(NLT)

‘And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.’ Colossians 3:15(NLT)

‘But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.’ Galatians 5:22-26(NLT)

One of the secrets of learning to become more positive in your marriage is to continually ask yourself a basic but core question: “Does this [issue, tension, etc.] really matter?”

Let’s apply this important question to the toothpaste tube that you presumably both share. Perhaps your spouse grew up squeezing the middle of the tube, and you roll it neatly from the bottom (like Jesus probably did). It bugs you that your spouse doesn’t do it “right,” right?

Now to our one vital question: Does it really matter? Yes, we know you wish your spouse would do it the way you do. We even understand that it matters to you. We’re also aware that it makes you mad and triggers negative thoughts. We get it. Now drop the emotion for a second and ask yourself, “Does this toothpaste-tube tension really matter?” Of course not! Do you have a preference? Absolutely! And your preference is right to you, but it doesn’t really matter in the broader scope of your marriage. Since you may be getting a little emotional about your toothpaste quandary, let’s pause for a second. Take a deep breath. One more. Exhale. Feel better? Now let’s continue.

We know that illustration may have been tough on you. Actually, we hope you’re laughing with us (at least a little) and have grasped the principle behind this vital question. If so, let’s slice this question another way: “How important is this issue to your marriage?” Does (the issue) make the top-ten list of things you want to continue to battle over?

Here’s the truth you must embrace during your first few years of marriage: You simply can’t have strong opinions and care deeply about everything. That will destroy your marriage. There are only so many things that a happy, healthy, and vibrant person can ultimately care about 1,440 minutes every day. There’s just not enough time to care deeply about every single frustration. When little things are making you angry, you won’t have any room to be positive. You can’t make everything a big deal in your marriage. This truth requires you to relax on a few things and figure out how to let them go so they don’t continue to fuel negativity. If you embrace this basic question and ask it often, it can guide you toward some very important course corrections.

Let’s face it, you didn’t marry a perfect person (and we hate to pop your bubble, but your spouse didn’t marry one either!). Some things will bug you, and you’ll have to ask yourself, “Does this really matter?” We strongly believe that some things should really matter—addictions, abuse, neglect, and unkindness, for example—but so much happens in marriage that some things just shouldn’t matter, or you’ll be angry all the time, and negativity will flow from your heart into your thoughts, your tone, and ultimately your actions. Yuck! No one wants that, and no one wants to live with someone who is negative and angry all the time. If you keep asking, “Does this really matter?” you’ll find yourself engaging in fewer battles with your spouse and enjoying more peace in your marriage.

from The First Few Years Of Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:12-14(NLT)

Love Is the Greatest
‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13(NLT)

‘There are three things that amaze me— no, four things that I don’t understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman.’ Proverbs 30:18-19(NLT)

Let’s take a look at Gottman’s research on how important it is to be positive in your marriage, as well as the idea of developing frequent, small positive acts toward your spouse. His “magic ratio” is five to one in terms of the balance of positive to negative interactions. Gottman found that marriages are significantly more likely to succeed when a couple’s interactions are closer to the five-to-one ratio of positive versus negative (in other words, five positive interactions for every one negative interaction). According to Gottman, couples with more negative interactions than positive ones are typically headed for divorce.

So imagine for a moment that we’ve followed you and your spouse around with a video camera over the past several weeks. Every single conversation—including inflection (tone) and nonverbal communication (smiles, winks, smirks, eye rolls, gasps, looks of disgust, etc.)—has been recorded and transcribed into written form. The words and nonverbal actions are then sliced and diced into two clear-cut categories: positive and negative. Now we’re going to post the results on the wall and closely evaluate your positive-to-negative ratio. How do you think you’d do? Would you be five-to-one positive or two-to-three negative or maybe even at one-to-one?

To help you move toward a five-to-one marriage, we recommend that you immediately begin to practice three specific actions.

from The First Few Years Of Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 5:21-23(NLT)

‘let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:9(NLT)

‘You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace.’ Song of Songs 4:9(NLT)

Both of us have performed hundreds of weddings and talked with thousands of couples about their marriages, and we’re strongly convinced that how you build your marriage foundation during these first few years is the primary factor for long-term happiness and marital success. Research backs up that statement: Couples who persevere through the first few years of marriage are much more likely to have long, happy, and lasting relationships with their spouses.

We’re going to assume you agree that learning about marriage, developing new relational skills, and putting those skills into practice is critical to the future health of your marriage and is an important part of growing as a spouse. We feel safe making that assumption because you’re reading this reading plan. We want to congratulate you for your desire to learn about being successful in marriage. Desire is an essential foundational action that makes all the difference in a marriage. Without the desire to grow, learn, and change, you’ll drift from your intended destination and what’s most important in your marriage.

Brian and Jenny had desire, but it was focused in the wrong direction. They became a busy, distracted young married couple. They met right out of college, dated for two and a half years, got engaged, and quickly married. Two years later, they were surprised to discover that Jenny was pregnant. They hadn’t planned on having a baby so soon, and they weren’t prepared for the changes that would entail. Their marriage was experiencing a subtle yet unresolved tension, and they knew a baby was only going to inflame the issues that were bubbling under the surface.

Thankfully they realized it wasn’t too late to shift their misplaced desire from their vocations and focus instead on improving their relationship. They read a couple of marriage books, got into counseling, participated in a couples’ conference, and joined a small group from their church. Fortunately, Jenny’s pregnancy triggered a desire in both of them to emphasize their marriage. The effort Brian and Jenny put into improving their marriage as a result of Jenny’s pregnancy has paid off, and they now enjoy a happier, healthier, and deeper relationship.

Jenny’s pregnancy served as a wake-up call for their marriage. They admitted to us that they had simply stopped doing some of the things they knew would benefit their marriage. They hadn’t intentionally stopped; it was an innocent “We just got too busy and distracted” stop. This phenomenon is so very common in the marriages we study that we refer to it as the drift. When Brian and Jenny stopped desiring to grow, learn, and change as a couple, they began to drift from their intended destination. An undercurrent of apathy moved them away from the promises they made to each other on their wedding day.

Here’s what’s tricky: The drift sneaks up on couples. It gradually pulls husbands and wives apart and moves them away from their intended target of a healthy marriage. At first the drift doesn’t seem as if it’s even happening. It’s deceptive. Couples go about their ordinary daily lives, becoming busy and preoccupied, and when they have a wake-up call (like Brian and Jenny) or a relational blowup, they look at each other and realize their marriage has drifted off course.

from The First Few Years Of Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields