Tag: The Dating Manifesto

‘“You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.’ Matthew 7:9-11(NLT)

We’re often encouraged to be grateful for what we have, but don’t forget to be thankful for what you don’t have, too. Thank God for the “nothing” (lacking a significant other) that is a blessing in disguise. Someday you’ll see God’s grace in it all.

In the meantime, remember that God’s eager to give you good gifts, too (see Matt. 7:9-11)

It’s true that many of us are not where we’d hoped to be in terms of marriage. We’re feeling cheated and left behind. Our own mistakes and missteps aside, the generations of cultural sin before us have plopped us in a relational landscape that is confused, fickle and increasingly fragmented.

The fact that anyone still gets married is a miracle. Similar to terms “God” and “faith,” a common understanding of the word “marriage” can no longer be assumed.

We have to cling to what we know from God’s Word. We have to choose to uphold marriage even before our own is established. We must fight for purity, fidelity, and the courage to love others boldly.

This must be done even as we wait.

I never wanted to be the poster child for singleness. I certainly never asked for it. But with thousands of single young adults who look to me as an example for weathering—no, conquering—an extended season of singleness with grace and dignity, it’s where I am.

I called my mom a couple of weekends ago, and she asked what I was up to. “Well, I just finished an hour-long radio interview.”

“On what topic?”

“Singleness.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake! Are you still on that topic? You need to find some lonely man to marry you so you can move on.”

Haha. I’d love to, Mom. And I pray to that end. And you know what? As long as I’m alive, there’s still hope of it happening. But thank God I’ve learned that I’m OK right where I am, too. I’m not “less” because I’m single. I’m not incomplete. I’m not forgotten, judged or living under a death sentence. I’m a redeemed and chosen child of God, and he’s got good—no, great—things planned for me if I choose to maximize the season I’m in regardless of what the future holds.

So that’s what I’ll do.

from The Dating Manifesto

‘Josiah was eight years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem thirty-one years. He did what was pleasing in the Lord ’s sight and followed the example of his ancestor David. He did not turn away from doing what was right. During the eighth year of his reign, while he was still young, Josiah began to seek the God of his ancestor David. Then in the twelfth year he began to purify Judah and Jerusalem, destroying all the pagan shrines, the Asherah poles, and the carved idols and cast images. He ordered that the altars of Baal be demolished and that the incense altars which stood above them be broken down. He also made sure that the Asherah poles, the carved idols, and the cast images were smashed and scattered over the graves of those who had sacrificed to them. He burned the bones of the pagan priests on their own altars, and so he purified Judah and Jerusalem. He did the same thing in the towns of Manasseh, Ephraim, and Simeon, even as far as Naphtali, and in the regions all around them. He destroyed the pagan altars and the Asherah poles, and he crushed the idols into dust. He cut down all the incense altars throughout the land of Israel. Finally, he returned to Jerusalem.’ 2 Chronicles 34:1-7(NLT)

‘So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.’ 1 Corinthians 7:8-9(NLT)

Your single season is a great time to serve. There’s a reason Paul said that unmarried men and women can without distraction be focused on how to “please the Lord.” We have time, attention and energy to give. And there are many great places to invest.

Start by taking a spiritual gifts test if you haven’t already. Figure out what you’re great at. Then decide what specifically you’re passionate about. As Bill Hybels says, what’s your ‘holy discontent,’ that thing that gets you riled up, that makes you want to be part of a solution, change or renewal?

Find out what’s going on in your church or community along these lines. If it doesn’t exist, create it. Or, you may feel compelled to fill a hole that already exists. Maybe it’s a ministry you’ve never tried or even considered before; check it out. Churches always have critical needs that must be filled. This may be your time to fill one of them. I’ve done my share of snack and coffee service; I’ve filled communion cups; I’ve helped hang drywall. Am I amazing at these things? No. But I can take direction. And when a need is there, I occasionally see it as my turn to step in.

This is also a great time to do mission trips, work projects and longer-term volunteering. Young adults are often criticized for being lazy, entitled and unwilling to commit to anything. Here’s a chance to prove folks wrong. Set an example a la 1 Timothy 4:12, showing that you’re a self-starter who is willing to dig in, get things done, and lead change. You’ll turn some heads for sure. After rehearsing all the great things about singleness, my final point is going to sound weird. But here it is: Your single years are a great time to start investing in marriage, both the marriages around you, and your own future marriage.

Soak in everything you can right now. Read marriage books. Go to marriage conferences. Interview married couples. Find out what this marriage thing is all about. Singles who see marriage in their future should be passionate about marriage. We should be students of it. The first few years of marriage are an adjustment—sometimes an especially tough one. Know what to expect so you can meet it all head-on. Then you can truly enjoy the process.

from The Dating Manifesto

‘The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord .’ Proverbs 18:22(NLT)

Embrace your role in dating and relationships. Basically, this means that men, you need to be prepared to initiate, and women, you should be prepared to respond. Does this mean that if girls ask guys out on dates that they’re doomed? No. But I’ll certainly say it’s not ideal. Here’s why.

I know married women who like to gripe about their husbands’ lack of leadership or initiative. It can be something small like his inability to pick a movie or pizza toppings, or something big like his refusal to discipline their children or go to church. When I ask these women when these patterns started, most of them can easily trace them back to their dating days.

Because ladies, the patterns you establish in dating will carry over into marriage. If you want to marry a leader, date a leader.

So, guys, step up. Get ready to boldly ask women out. It’ll be scary. It may be awkward. You’ll need practice and perhaps a few pointers. But you’ll be doing the right thing.

When I say “be bold,” I’m also saying to take the lion’s share of the risk. That’s your role, too. You’re going to state your intentions (“I’d like to date you”) and provide a safe space for the girl to accept or reject you. In other words, you’re going to lay your cards flatly on the table while she holders hers tight to her chest. You’ll let her respond, and you’ll receive her response graciously. If she rejects you, you won’t badger her or shame her. You’ll say “thank you.”

Carolyn McCulley said something a while back that made this whole issue crystal clear to me. She said, “Men trust God by risking rejection; women trust God by waiting.”

So what does the right way actually look like? For men, it’s a correct application of Proverbs 18:22 which states, “He who finds a wife finds what is good, and obtains favor from the Lord.” Notice the word “finds”? That’s an active verb. It implies action and intention, getting out there and searching and pursuing.

Women, treat men with kindness, not to the exclusion of others, but there’s nothing wrong with showing a little special interest. I love what I heard a while back, “Ladies, let the men be the hunters, but don’t be afraid to snap some twigs.”

from The Dating Manifesto

‘Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. ‘ 1 Timothy 4:12(NLT)

‘Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. ‘ Colossians 3:23(NLT)

Responsibility:
This is where you start mastering life skills and learning what it’s like to be in the real world. It’s everything from getting and keeping a job to managing your money, learning how to keep a household running, making responsible decisions and taking care of the things and people entrusted to you.

It’s also learning how to budget your time and talents. It’s knowing when to work and when to play. It’s knowing that work is good and should be done to the glory of God. It’s knowing that play is also good, and is to be used for refreshment and renewal, not escapism or idleness.

There’s value in accepting challenges, taking risks and doing hard things. Push yourself, and allow others to push you, too. Sometimes the easy road is the right road, but sometimes it’s just easy. Know the difference.

Leading:
You may be young. You may be on the bottom rung at work. You may not have a job at all. It doesn’t matter. You’re still a leader.

First, you’re in charge of yourself. That’s a start.

But there’s more. You are needed. Everyone (certainly every Christian) is called to serve where we are, and lead if given the opportunity. It may be in a role with a big title, it may be in a small but pivotal moment where character is needed. In both circumstances, you’re on display. What will you do?

I know for myself, it seems my number-one goal on most days is to make my life more comfortable. I have no problem looking out for me. But those who get beyond themselves reap big benefits. They have the chance to make a difference. They have the chance to be world-changers.

Don’t be afraid to be an example, regardless of your age. Remember the words of Paul to Timothy: “Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.” (1 Tim 4:12).

Finally, remember that active leadership now prepares you for leadership of a family in the future. You’re in training; get as much experience under your belt as you can.

from The Dating Manifesto

‘Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.’ Matthew 6:33(NLT)

Are you marriageable? Are you growing in maturity… growing in the qualities that matter regardless of your relationship status? Here are two big ones (we’ll do 2 more tomorrow):

Get tight with Jesus:
If you’re a Christian, this should be obvious. But so many Christian young adults today have absorbed a shallow, nominal and passionless faith that this deserves special emphasis.

So what needs to happen? Well, you need to get serious about your faith. It needs to infect your life, transform your heart and be the catalyst for every one of your decisions. Your relationship with Christ is bigger and better than any of your other relationships. He’s number one.

Here’s what it’s not. It’s not knowing a bunch about the Bible. It’s not having grown up in church or youth group or gone to a Christian school. It’s not having Christian parents. It’s not being American, retweeting John Piper or Francis Chan every few days, or going to the Passion or Catalyst conferences every year.

Living reconciled to God is your Relationship 101, and it matters. Besides, knowing who you are in Christ will help you make big decisions down the road. Like marriage. Because you need to find someone to marry who’s also tight with Jesus. Why? Because living together in marriage in light of an eternity with God while living out grace now is the only way to live. And it doesn’t matter how great your marriage is if you’re going to hell, right?

So put Jesus first, and keep him there. Put your future spouse firmly in second place. You’ll be glad you did. And you’ll have the best foundation for maturity there is.

Commit to a local church:
The Bible calls us to be part of a local church. A physical church with real people. The New Testament church kept lists of its people. It cared for its people, including widows (one subset of single women; I think today’s church should include any single ladies). It broke bread together, shared things in common, and provided encouragement and correction. It also provided encouragement and correction. It also provided a space for the mandates of corporate worship and observance of the sacraments.

We need the same.

So listen to the Word preached. Join a Sunday school class or small group. Begin tithing. Start serving. Become a contributor, not a consumer. You’ll strengthen a muscle of selflessness that you never knew you had.

from The Dating Manifesto

‘Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.’ Hebrews 13:4(NLT)

So when’s the time to start thinking about marriage? It’s now. I tell parents of young children that if they haven’t started casting a vision for marriage in their homes, they’re already behind. It’s never too early to show your babies what a good marriage looks like. It’s never wrong to teach a young boy the proper way to treat a woman. Little girls should know that wives and mommies have a sacred calling that may someday be theirs. It all matters.

Likewise, if you’re 20, don’t relegate marriage to the distant future. Yes, the average age of first marriage has climbed. In 1960, it was ages 20 and 22 for women and men, respectively. Those numbers have now shot up to 26 and 29. But there’s little evidence that this is overall a good thing. Instead, it’s leading to delays in maturity, job success and childbearing. It’s also making books like this necessary, because there’s a lot of hand-wringing among singles who wonder if they missed their window and were left behind when the marriage train pulled out of the station.

I’m not trying to create a panic. I’m not saying you need to run out right now and grab the first girl you see. I’m just asking you to consider marriage. Start praying about it. Cultivate an active desire for it in your heart. Let others know that you’re open to it. And honor it, even as a single person.

Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is to be honored by all…” That includes those who aren’t married yet and those who may never get married. Follow God’s example and have a high view of marriage. Our churches, our culture and our families desperately need it.

Similarly, if you’re 30 or older, don’t give up on the idea of marriage. I haven’t. You simply don’t know what God has for your future. It may not be the story you expected, but God never drops the ball. He’s never late, and he’s not capricious. Wait for your story to unfold, and do your part in crafting it.

from The Dating Manifesto

‘“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:4-6(NLT)

So the Bible begins with marriage and it ends with marriage. But it also talks a lot about marriage in between. Marriage is a biblical norm. You see good marriages in Scripture, and you see bad marriages. You see patterns of faithfulness, purity and devotion to God, but you also see patterns of betrayal, divorce, polygamy, interfaith marriage, marriage for political purposes and more.

Even though humans have messed up marriage in every generation throughout history, that doesn’t change what marriage is. Marriage is a covenant, a sacrament, a reflection of Christ and his bride, the church. It’s an institution for one man and one woman for one lifetime. The definition of marriage isn’t determined by popular opinion; it was delivered by God in the Garden, then affirmed by Jesus in the New Testament. Consider the words of Matthew 19:4-6. There’s a lot to be said for marriage and about marriage in Scripture. We’d be wise to pay attention.

Marriage also has a bunch of benefits. Marriage polishes our edges. The fancy word for this is sanctification. Pastor Gary Thomas says that marriage isn’t meant to make us happy, but holy. How many of us sit around and ask how we can be holier? No me. (I do, however, ask myself how others can be holier. Just trying to help!) Marriage accomplishes this naturally. If you’re going to have a successful marriage, be prepared to get over yourself. Fast.

But there’s great companionship in marriage, too. Newsflash: Marriage can actually be fun! Most people dream of that person who will walk through life with them. The one who will make memories with them, share hobbies, go on trips, celebrate holidays, dream big, raise a family, set up a home, and ultimately grow old with them. We are created for relationship. In a culture that throws away relationships with Friday’s trash, it’s easy to lose sight of this. Don’t. Sure, many of you don’t have family photo albums that span decades.

At some point, Dad walked out, or your parents calmly divided up possessions and kids like candy and started over in different cities. Maybe your parents were never married. This is far from God’s plan. Don’t let what you never experienced taint your understanding of what could be.

from The Dating Manifesto