Tag: Talk It Out!

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her ‘ Ephesians 5:25(NLT)

By God’s grace, we can grow in our ability to be vulnerable and transparent with those we love. Author John Powell describes this process in his excellent book, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? He lists five levels of communication.

Most people start at level five—clichés. We might call this “elevator talk”(“Have a nice day.”) in which you speak, but share nothing.

Level four involves sharing facts. You are willing to report what you know, but still you share nothing of yourself.

At level three, people reveal opinions, their ideas, judgments and viewpoints. At this level, you start to come out of your shell and reveal a little of who you are. At the same time, you’re ready to retreat in the face of disagreement or rejection.

At level two you begin to share emotions. You let the other person know just what you feel. Again, this is risky and you must be careful not to hurt one another, but it is an essential step if you’re going to move toward a deeper relationship.

Level one is transparency—being completely open with each other, sharing the real you, from the heart. This level of communication requires a large amount of trust and commitment.

We spend most of our lives communicating with others at the safest levels of communication. In marriage, however, we ought to be getting beneath the surface. When was the last time you and your spouse had a truly transparent conversation? What do you need to do to go deeper in your communication with each other?

Take some time on your next date night to review these five levels and rate yourselves and one another on how well you are doing in each of the five. Then begin to talk. Talk about how you can deepen your love for each other by becoming more intimate and transparent with each other.

from Talk It Out!

‘The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.’ Proverbs 18:21(NLT)

Ryne Duren, former pitcher for the New York Yankees, liked to intimidate batters. He became known as the patron saint of the psych-out. He knew how to mentally harass opposing batters, dusting them off with an assortment of wildly launched pitches.

Unfortunately, a similar thing can happen in our homes, although instead of a baseball, we launch hurtful, intimidating words that inflict fear, pain, and guilt. Too late we learn what the wise man meant when he said, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Prov. 18:21).

Even though you may be very skillful with the quick retort, what do you gain when you fire off such verbal volleys? The same scripture that speaks of the tongue’s destructive power also warns that those who exercise that power will have to eat whatever diseased fruit they plant. Often, that fruit is resentment, discord, and revenge. The dust-off experts not only hurt others; they poison their own relationships.

What can you do to decrease the inclination to attack each other with hurtful words? Since Jesus Christ is “the Word” (John 1:1), pray that your speech in every aspect of home life will reflect His role as Prince of Peace and Mediator.

from Talk It Out!

‘“Listen closely to what I am about to say. Hear me out.’ Job 13:17(NLT)

Every cell phone user has experienced it at some point, and one company has built an entire advertising campaign around it: While you are speaking to a spouse, a business contact, or a friend, the connection breaks—only you don’t know it immediately. You continue to talk until you sense something is wrong and finally ask, “Are you still there?”

Dead silence or a static screech provide the answer—yes indeed, the person on the other end is gone. And then you wonder, Just how much of what I said wasn’t heard?

How often does this type of thing happen in your marriage? One of you is talking, but no one is there on the other end of the conversation. Listening is not as easy as talking for most of us! When Job told his friends, “Listen carefully to my speech, and to my declaration with your ears,” he said it out of deep frustration (13:17). Remember that attentive listening encourages and blesses the speaker.

So the Bible urges us, “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19). If you want the tension level in your marriage to decrease, then learn to become a better listener.

from Talk It Out!

‘But Moses pleaded with the Lord , “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.” Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord ? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.”’ Exodus 4:10-12(NLT)

If you want to touch your wife deeply, look into her soul through her eyes. She’s longing for intimate conversation! Touching base by phone is fine, but for a woman, that’s like watching an old black-and-white TV.

One of her top romantic needs is to be heard and understood by her man. She longs for openness, a sharing of dreams, hopes, desires, and even disappointments, through focused conversation.

You might be thinking, Time out, Dennis! A conversationalist? I’m a man of few words.

Funny, that’s what Moses said when God asked him to be His spokesman: “Moses said to the LORD,‘O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue” (Ex. 4:10). And what did the Lord tell him? “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? . . . Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say” (vv. 11, 12).

You may say, “Now that’s fine for Moses leading the nation of Israel, but will God give me words to better communicate with your wife?” My answer: Absolutely. He cares about your wife and your marriage. The Holy Spirit still guides men (and women) in what they need to say.

Are you wondering how this is going to work? It’s easier than you may think. Start by praying and asking God to help you. Then practice answering your wife’s questions with more than one sentence. It’s okay if there’s silence for a while, but work on really sharing with her on an intimate level what you are thinking and feeling. And if you don’t know, keep on praying and asking God to help you. He will. And He may use your wife to do it!

from Talk It Out!

‘So Joshua spared Rahab the prostitute and her relatives who were with her in the house, because she had hidden the spies Joshua sent to Jericho. And she lives among the Israelites to this day.’ Joshua 6:25(NLT)

Scripture tells us that Rahab, the prostitute from Jericho who hid the Israelite spies (6:25), continued to live among God’s people and eventually became an ancestor of Jesus Christ (see Matt. 1:5).You have to wonder: What did she tell her Hebrew husband about her past?

Any discussion of sensitive material from your past must occur between two people who understand and have experienced God’s grace and forgiveness. If you are confident that you should proceed, consider some tips on how to confess information from your past:

1. Explain why you are sharing this information now. Make clear that you desire to deepen trust in your relationship.

2. Give the big picture, not the details. Don’t provide specifics of how you sinned. And if you are receiving the information, do not ask probing questions merely to feed your morbid curiosity. Vivid images will haunt you more than general statements.

3. Ask for and grant forgiveness. Don’t ever treat forgiveness flippantly, but ask for and grant forgiveness eagerly.

4. Don’t expect an immediate resolution. Keep a leash on your expectations. Your spouse may not respond positively to your disclosure. That’s okay. Give your mate time to process this new information.

Finally, as you discuss the past, if you get off in a ditch and can’t get out, don’t be ashamed to ask for some help. A trusted godly friend can be a great encouragement to both of you during these times.

from Talk It Out!

‘Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. ‘ 1 John 4:18(NLT)

Marriage has enough surprises without a spouse putting up a “No Trespassing” sign and saying, “I’m not going to talk about the issues from my past that have shaped my life.” If you want to truly know your spouse, then you must get into those issues and create a deeper level of understanding and compassion between the two of you. Then, when one of life’s inevitable trials comes along, you’ll already have put into place a deep level of trust in each other.

Every marriage must be built on love-based commitment. Remember 1 John 4:18—“Perfect love casts out fear.” Is some guilty or shameful episode from your past tormenting you and saying, “Don’t share that! She’ll reject you”? If you are doing this, then your relationship is controlled by fear, not love. Don’t risk hiding something important from your spouse, regardless of how painful it may feel.

When love encounters past mistakes in the loved one, it says, “I embrace you. I receive you. I accept you. I cherish you. And, yes, I forgive you.”

The truth is, we have all fallen. All of us have done things we are tempted to hide. But Christ offers us grace, forgiveness, cleansing, and wholeness, all in plentiful supply.

from Talk It Out!