Tag: Stop The Fighting – Part 2: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:3-4(NLT)

‘May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. Then all of you can join together with one voice, giving praise and glory to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.’ Romans 15:5-6(NLT)

Devotional Content:

I think one of the biggest obstacles couples face when trying to work out a problem or an issue is that we just don’t have the energy. We are angry with each other and it just seems easier to either withdraw or fight it out for awhile. When we withdraw, we may get a little peace and quiet, but it will be short lived because we did not deal with the issue. Fighting it out happens because we are already angry so we think “why not”?  Often, taking the time to work it out just doesn’t look very appealing. It takes time and a lot of effort, and we just don’t have it in us.

Here are some things for you to think about. Of the three choices above, only one will give you an awesome marriage. Fighting it out will never resolve anything. The only thing you might improve is your ability to fight and that is never going to help your marriage. Withdrawing leaves all the issues on the table and nine times out of ten you will be back at the table fighting over the same issues again. The only real solution is taking the time to work it out. 

Here are five tips to get you going:

1. Agree to stop the fight. Agree on a time to talk it through later after you both have calmed down and taken time to pray about it.
2. Listen to each other and make sure you are really hearing what the other one is saying.
3. Make sure you understand each other’s perspective.
4. Explore solutions together.
5. Pick one solution and follow through with it.  

Today’s Challenge: 

How well do you try to understand each other’s perspective? What would help each of you to do it better?

Going Deeper:

Learning as a couple how to explore solutions together is an important step in resolving conflict. Take an issue that has been a cause of conflict in your marriage and take turns offering solutions.

from Stop The Fighting – Part 2: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict

‘Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. ‘ Hebrews 10:24(NLT)

‘So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:11(NLT)

‘Christ died and rose again for this very purpose—to be Lord both of the living and of the dead.’ Romans 14:9(NLT)

Devotional Content:

It was an interesting phenomenon. Nancy and I did so many things well together. We loved the same things. We never argued about where to go eat, what movie to see, or where to hang out. When our kids came along, we parented really well together. We never fought about money and really were on the same page with what and where to spend. Then, in what seemed like a split second, we could be instant enemies and fighting with everything we had. After our fights, we would look at each other and wonder how we ever got here – again.  

We discovered over time that it was very hard for either of us to admit that we were wrong. We found there were topics that triggered something inside each of us to go into attack mode. Once we were there it was not a pretty sight. We could come alongside each other as advocates so well at times, but then turn around and see each other as an adversary equally well.   

For us, it was with God’s help that we learned to keep the advocate focus front and center all the time. I did want the best for her and she was not my enemy – in fact, she wanted the same for me. We prayed to see each other through God’s eyes and we did.  It was not instant, but gradually, as we prayed that prayer and chose to be obedient to God, we did. Can I still see Nancy in that adversary role at times? Sure. But rarely does she even notice it because God is always there to help me refocus.

Today’s Challenge: 

Discuss the areas in your marriage where you truly are each other’s advocate.  How can you continue to grow these areas?

Going Deeper:

The next time you view your spouse as an adversary will you make a commitment to stop and pray and ask God to help you see your spouse as an advocate?

from Stop The Fighting – Part 2: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict

‘Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. ‘ 1 Corinthians 12:14(NLT)

‘How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony!’ Psalms 133:1(NLT)

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:10(NLT)

Devotional Content:

It took us a long time in marriage to learn to fight without having a winner and a loser.  During the two years that we dated in college, Nancy and I fought, or at least we thought we fought. If you compared our fights during our dating years to our fights in the first years of marriage, it would be like high school football compared to the NFL.  We went from amateurs to pros in just a matter of months. 

Both of us were stubborn, strong-willed, and determined to never lose, which was a big part of our problem. It was amazing. Even though our marriage was crumbling around us, no one was giving in. Sometimes I thought I won and sometimes Nancy thought she won. The truth was that there were three losers. Nancy, me, and our marriage.  

We associated conflict with fighting. We had no idea that couples could disagree and settle the argument in such a way that there were three winners instead of three losers. That idea never even crossed our minds until finally one day, we both came to the same conclusion at the same time: We could not go on this way. Something had to change. We loved each other a lot and we were each other’s best friend, but we still fought like enemies. Therein was the issue. We had to quit fighting each other, put God at the center of our marriage, and address our conflicts together with Him. 

Today’s Challenge: 

On a scale of 1 -10 (with 10 being the highest), how important is it for you to “win” when there is conflict? Are you willing to work on your competitiveness to improve your marriage?

Going Deeper:

What is one thing that you can do to put God at the center of your marriage and your conflicts?

from Stop The Fighting – Part 2: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. ‘ Ephesians 4:2(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5(NLT)

‘May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. ‘ Romans 15:5(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Most of us have encountered competitive situations in our lives. If you played sports growing up, the goal was not to play a good game but to win. The winners got blue ribbons and the trophies and their names in the newspaper.  The losers did not.  

Maybe you were in music or dance or you were strong academically. It seems no matter how innocent these start out, one day there is the push to compete. If you are good at dance or music, eventually someone urges you to compete and when we compete, our goal is to win. The same is true with academics. Then after high school or college when we start a job the same thing can happen. We live in a competitive society.

I’m not saying that any of the above is bad. We learn a lot from playing sports and participating in music, dance, or academic competitions. What I am saying is that we cannot bring that competition into our marriages. Marriage cannot be a win or lose deal. Why? In conflicts in our marriage, when I win, Nancy loses. When Nancy wins, I lose. In either of these situations, our marriage loses. The goal is not winning or losing but for our marriage to win. It’s taking out the competition and letting the marriage win. Guess what? When your marriage wins, so do you.

Today’s Challenge: 

When do you as a couple get in win/lose conflicts? What can you each do to change those into win/win situations?

Going Deeper:

Pray for God to help you see each other’s perspective in areas of conflict.

from Stop The Fighting – Part 2: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict