Tag: Stop The Fighting – Part 1: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict

‘So watch yourselves! “If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.”’ Luke 17:3-4(NLT)

‘But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”’ Mark 11:25(NLT)

‘God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.’ Matthew 5:9(NLT)

‘Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!’ Matthew 18:21-22(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Forgiveness can get complicated in marriage relationships. We think if we forgive our spouse for what they did, they might feel they got off easy and not learn their lesson and do the same thing again. We think if we forgive our spouse for what they did, it doesn’t let them know how much they hurt us. We complicate forgiveness by having our own agenda instead of God’s agenda. We think, “if God really knew what my spouse did, He would understand. God doesn’t expect me to forgive that does He?” When we withhold forgiveness from our spouse, it can give us a false sense of power. We have something they want. We have control of when we say, “I forgive you.” All of this might make sense in a movie or a television drama, but in a Christian marriage, no.  

The truth is that God is God and we are not. God tells us to forgive. It’s not a “when you are ready,” or “when they have suffered enough” forgiveness. It’s forgive because I forgave you. It’s a Calvary hill forgiveness. Somehow in the midst of our hurt, we forget about that. We forget that Jesus gave His life so we could be forgiven. Our role is to forgive. What happens next is up to our spouse and to God.  

I know this for certain: When a person withholds forgiveness from their spouse, it never affects the spouse as much as it does the unforgiving person. God did not create us to be judges. That is His role and He is ever just and fair. In your marriage, be quick to forgive and resolve issues. It’s what God tells us to do.  

Today’s Challenge: 

Dr. Kim says that forgiveness keeps no record of wrong. Apply that to your marriage relationship.

Going Deeper:

Are there areas of unforgiveness in your marriage? If so, what are those areas? What steps will you take to forgive those areas?

from Stop The Fighting – Part 1: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.’ Matthew 5:23-24(NLT)

‘Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.’ Proverbs 12:18(NLT)

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, ‘ Ephesians 4:26(NLT)

‘“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against a fellow Israelite, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord .’ Leviticus 19:18(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Nancy and I have had many cycles in our marriage. Some of them were good; others were not. One of the “not good” cycles centered on the “not good” way we were handling conflict. If something happened that bothered one of us, we would stuff it.  “Stuffing it” means that instead of dealing with what happened in a healthy way and resolving it, we would either act like it did not bother us or give the other person the silent treatment for a day or two. Either way was not good. You can only stuff so much until you reach your limit and then all the “stuffing” comes flying out. Once the explosion was over, we would resume our cycle and nothing changed. That cycle was killing our marriage.  

Conflict in marriage is normal. You are never going to agree on everything. You will never see everything eye to eye. So you have a choice. Keep fighting the way you have been fighting or change. This is what I want you to consider. Keep short accounts.  When something happens in your marriage that bothers you you have three choices.  First, you can decide it is not really a big deal and let go of it. That works because you made a choice. You chose to not make this a battle. Second, you can give it to God.  Instead of you handling it, you let Him handle it and you leave it in His hands. Third, you can write it down and set a time to talk it through. That’s your “short accounts” list.  Something happens and as a couple you deal with it. You don’t stuff it. You don’t ignore it. You wait until there is a good time that works for you both and you talk it through. No more explosions. No more unhealthy cycle. It’s your choice. All three ways work. Let it go. Give it to God. Deal with it. What will you choose to do?

Today’s Challenge: 

On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the highest, how important is forgiveness in your marriage? Why?

Going Deeper:

Dr. Kim talks about keeping “short accounts” in your marriage. What is your first step to do that with your spouse?

from Stop The Fighting – Part 1: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.’ Ephesians 4:29(NLT)

‘Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment.’ Proverbs 4:7(NLT)

Devotional Content:

One of the things that I thought I did really well in the early part of our marriage was speak. I thought I hit a home run with my words, ideas and thoughts. I could not understand why Nancy was not awed at my wisdom, but she wasn’t. In fact, my wisdom could really get under her skin. Why? It took me a long time to figure this one out. When Nancy was speaking to me, sharing a concern or something that was on her heart, I was not listening. I was thinking about what I was going to say when she stopped talking or what I was going to do once she finished. When I finally opened my mouth and spoke it would have been a minor miracle if I said anything that had to do with what she just shared. I don’t think it was a conscious choice, but over time, she quit listening to me. Now we were in a communication vacuum and we were stuck.

We needed to start over. We needed to commit to speaking clearly when something was important to one of us and we needed to learn to listen well to each other and I needed to take the lead since I was the one that got us off track in the first place. This is what happened. We both began to do a better job of speaking in a way that the other could hear. Nancy was all about information so I needed to touch all the bases when I was sharing something with her. I was all about being affirmed. I wanted to know she was interested in what I was saying. Then we both worked at really focused listening and making sure we really heard and understood what was said. Was there effort?  Yes. Was there work? Yes. Was it all worth it? Absolutely!

Today’s Challenge: 

If you really want your spouse to hear what you are saying, what do you need to do as the speaker?

Going Deeper:

Think together about the distractions that make it difficult for the two of you to speak and listen well. What can you do to eliminate these? 

from Stop The Fighting – Part 1: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘To one who listens, valid criticism is like a gold earring or other gold jewelry.’ Proverbs 25:12(NLT)

Devotional Content:

There are a number of things in marriage that I don’t get. Much of that is because I am male! There are things that God teaches me in marriage that I still don’t understand. I don’t get that Nancy and I can be so connected when we are communicating well and spending quality time together daily, then have one day of not communicating or spending time together and be back at ground zero. I thought I could build up some equity and take a day or two off. Well, I guess I can take that day or two off, but there is no equity to draw on.  

God made male and female differently. Many of those differences we really like, but there are some that leave us scratching our heads as we try to figure them out. The thing God taught me that I do get is to accept the things He teaches me. He knows. I don’t. Most women are much better at conversation than their husbands and even though the talk would go more smoothly with another female friend, they want to talk to us. Our role is to talk and listen and talk and listen. We will get to their role in another reading plan.

Now this is the really cool thing I have learned. When I spend time communicating with Nancy, our marriage is better and I really like that time with her. Once I quit fighting the difference and started embracing it, things turned around and we began to fight less.  The better we communicate and listen to each other and seek to understand each other, the less we will fight and the less we fight, the better our marriage!

Today’s Challenge: 

How much time do you spend each day communicating with your spouse? Decide as a couple when and how you can spend more quality time together.

Going Deeper:

Each of you make a list of things you could talk about to your spouse. Now you have your conversation starters. Talk!

from Stop The Fighting – Part 1: Breaking The Cycles Of Unhealthy Conflict by Dr. Kim Kimberling