Tag: Staying I Do: Committed

‘How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony!’ Psalms 133:1(NLT)

‘I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. ‘ Philippians 1:9-10(NLT)

We place great value on our time together. Every decision we make for our family must filter through how it affects our time. Whether it’s sports, lessons, church commitments, or friend time, it must balance with the amount of time Charity and I get to spend together. We have been married long enough to have seen some of our friends and family get divorced over issues that stem from too much time apart. I’m not even factoring in military deployments or job assignments that move one away for an extended period of time. Remaining a couple while not doing life together is nearly impossible and, for many, not desirable.

One of the slipperiest slopes that can lead to a passionless marriage is conflicting schedules. Charity and I have four children. In today’s kid-centric society, it’s easy to over-commit and have us going in opposite directions trying to get our kids to a bunch of activities. However, this divide-and-conquer approach is something we intentionally keep to a bare minimum. 

Along with personal fulfillment, the main reason I went into nursing was for the opportunity to determine my own schedule. Because Charity is an entrepreneur, she is usually able to flex her work hours around our family’s needs. This fluid schedule gives us the privilege of meal planning, shopping, relaxing, and having fun together, building a stockpile of memories and experiences with each other. It allows our bond to grow even stronger because our hearts are in the same place.

Time together is of high value to us, but so is time freedom. Part of what we love to do with our time is serve together. There is nothing quite like having a “helper’s high” together.

We also love to be hospitable. Nearly every week, we host a group of our friends at our house to have dinner and play games. This scratches both of our itches of friend-time and healthy competition. How you spend your time should reflect what you value.

We are not saying that every waking moment should be spent together sharing each other’s air, but we are saying that time together needs to be a high priority. Time is our ultimate currency. You can never get it back once it’s passed and there are no rollover minutes. Your spouse will either increase or decrease in value based on how they feel about the way you spend your time. 

from Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy In Love

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.’ Ephesians 4:26-27(NLT)

One of the biggest tenets of our marriage code is to never go to sleep angry. Thankfully, we don’t fight or argue a lot, but on those rare and challenging occasions when we do, avoiding each other feels like the easiest thing to do in the moment. 

When we got married, we promised we would resolve whatever the day’s issues were that day rather than stringing them on to another day. Most of these types of arguments stemmed from frustrations or comments that nudged our no-insult rule, while others were usually unintentional hurt feelings. 

If your feelings are hurt by something your spouse likely didn’t even mean, take a moment and think about the grand scheme of things. Diffuse the urge to be offended. In the words of Cher, “If it doesn’t matter in five years, it doesn’t matter.”

In addition to the “no going to sleep angry” agreement, we also agreed to a “no couch” rule. We did not get married to argue. We did not get married to be apart. We wanted there to be no room for division in our marriage and that meant not giving any space to hurt, anger, bitterness, or resentment to set up camp and grow. 

For over half of our married life, we have had roommates and or family members living with us. Nothing helps to hold you to your word like other people watching. Having that kind of accountability was probably a blessing in disguise. We didn’t see it as such at the time, but looking back, we appreciate how it helped us uphold this standard.

Now, we all would like our marriages to resemble fields of flowers and we can strive toward that. But when a fire breaks out and threatens that field, when something breaks in the relationship, our loyalty to our spouse is tested. 

When you disagree, keep the fight clean. Stay on-topic and deal with one issue at a time. Don’t pull the trigger on peripheral areas that make your spouse hurt deeply simply to appease your ego. There will be far more jewels in your crown from leaving these types of things unsaid. 

from Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy In Love

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ‘ Colossians 3:12(NLT)

‘Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.’ Hebrews 10:24-25(NLT)

So much of good parenting is good “spousing.” When we keep each other’s love-tank full, we are better at everything—better parents, better friends, better employees, better neighbors, all because we are not in starvation mode. 

As parents, we present a unified front. We don’t look for love from our children to replace our spousal love. We aren’t insecure, so we don’t try to be our children’s favorite. Our marital goals are up to date and remind us that our kids are only with us for a little bit while our marriage is forever. Keeping this in mind helps us to parent as a true team. Like any good team, we do our best to relieve each other’s burdens. We can both sense when the other has had a rough day and then take up the slack where the kids, mealtimes, chores, or other duties come into play. The longer you’re married, the better you become at anticipating your spouse’s needs.

While it may not be obvious right off the bat, many needs we have reach way back into our childhood. Maybe there was food scarcity, fighting, abandonment, lack of engagement, infidelity, insignificance, abuse, or other issues. Much of what we are able to do is meet our spouses where they are at and help to mend the gaps in their hearts. 

While neither of us are psychologists, we both have spent a great deal of our lives caring for and listening to people. If we were to boil it down, we all need to feel important, special, noticed, cared for, and needed. We also need to feel that those we love are loyal to us.

If your spouse is asking for something that isn’t on your personal preference list, take time to reflect on what the deeper need is. This will help you have compassion and grace even if you don’t resonate with the specific need itself. Listening is key to understanding and gaining insight. As you peel the layers back, story by story, often what is found are pockets where the love they wanted to feel is missing and the attention they so deeply craved is absent. With every faithful act of love and loyalty, we begin to fill those empty spots and help them feel whole and wholly loved.

from Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy In Love 

‘And do everything with love.’ 1 Corinthians 16:14(NLT)

‘God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. ‘ 1 Peter 4:10(NLT)

Touch is my main love language. It gives me a strong sense of connection to Charity, so the more, the better. Of course, sexual touch is great, but even her rubbing my back or running her fingers through my hair was something I really wanted when we were relaxing together. 

During the day, she would always rub my back, hold my hand, or pull me close, but at night, it felt like she was sort of avoiding me. We would do our nighttime rituals of teeth-brushing and face-washing, maybe have a “married tickle fight,” and, of course, Charity’s favorite thing: pillow talk. But when it was time to wind down, all I wanted was for her to be close and touch me. 

I thought that if I rubbed her back and shoulders while she was lying there beside me, it would give her the idea this was something I wanted quid pro quo. But once I turned over with my back to her, she stayed put and fell blissfully asleep. I was giving her what I wanted, expecting her to reciprocate in the same fashion intuitively. My unspoken expectation was going unmet. With my guy friends, if someone helps me with a project, it makes me want to help them with a project; if they pick up the check at one our hang times, it makes me want to pick up the check at the next. 

I thought Charity knew the code: “What I do for you, I would like done for me in return.” Nope. She did not. Not her fault. It took some time before I told her how I felt. 

One night, when my need for touch went from desire to full-on got-to-have-it, I spoke up and said, “Will you rub my back after I rub yours?” To my surprise, it worked. She rubbed my back. She asked me if this was something I wanted more often. “Ummm, yes please.”

She told me she honestly hadn’t thought about rubbing my back in bed before. She wasn’t withholding something she knew I needed; she simply didn’t know I needed it. Needless to say, many back rubs later, I’m glad I communicated what I needed to her so I could reap the benefits of us having an even deeper connection emotionally and physically. 

from Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy In Love

‘But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.’ Psalms 56:3(NLT)

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. ‘ Ecclesiastes 4:9-10(NLT)

One of the wisest things I remember my grandparents saying was, “Be honest, even to the portion of a thought.” It didn’t seem like revelation when I first heard it, but as various situations arose, I could see its value even more. Ted and I agreed full honesty was the only way for us.

Honesty gives you freedom to be yourself. It’s the kind of freedom you might feel when walking around your house in your underwear and not caring one bit. There’s full transparency and full acceptance.

Since Ted and I committed to be 100 percent honest with each other, this also meant we shared what we were struggling with. That sounds good in theory, but is quite difficult in practice. I remember one day early in our marriage, maybe just after the first-year mark, Ted told me he needed to talk. This doesn’t sound good, I thought. We sat down on our couch and by the look on his face, I could tell this was probably not going to be a fun conversation.

He began by confirming his love for me and reminding me of our honesty pledge. That made my mind start following rabbit trails to every possible thing he could tell me, which isn’t good considering that if life were a video game, I would be level expert at worst-case scenarios. Did he want a divorce? Did he have an affair? Did he spend a bunch of money? Did he get in a wreck? Did he find out he’s sick? I had plenty of options to work with in the five to ten seconds leading up to my turn to talk.

It wasn’t any of those things, thank God. But it was something that took my breath away in that moment. He shared that he was struggling with lust. Again, the gears in my mind started turning. Am I not attractive to him anymore? What did I do wrong? Is he going to leave me? Who is she? Am I a boring sex partner? He could tell by the expression on my face and the tears in my eyes how much this truth hurt. It hurt him to tell me, too. But when he reminded me that I was his best friend and the person he promised to be truthful to, it was a gift. It actually made me trust him more. 

from Staying I Do: Committed, Connected & Crazy In Love