Tag: SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams

‘Only a fool despises a parent’s discipline; whoever learns from correction is wise.’ Proverbs 15:5(NLT)

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

In marriage, you enter into a covenant with your spouse that is recognized by God and sealed physically through sex. While single, it is encouraged to wait for marriage and to reserve that unveiling for you and your spouse. The reality is that even marriage does not guarantee the prevention of the misuse of sex. ‘Drink from your own well’ here means to have sex only with your spouse. Do not derive sexual pleasure from anyone other than the person you are married to. This includes engaging in pornography or masturbation. You should derive pleasure from your spouse, not mental images or videos of third parties. These actions are capable of ruining your marriage.

For a rich and enduring relationship, loyalty is not only desired, it is required. Nobody wants to be in a marriage with someone who claims to love you yet goes to bed with other people. Some people experience the itch of wanting a better mate or they experience some sort of buyer’s remorse, thinking they could have made a better choice of whom to marry. Please pay attention: in the cycle of life, there will always be ‘something better’ out there. There will always be someone smarter, richer, taller, younger, more attractive, and more charismatic than your spouse. 

Life on this side of heaven will never be perfect. The whole purpose of making vows is to assure your spouse that in spite of what life throws your way, you will be faithful. Will you face hardship in marriage? Yes. Will you be tempted to cheat? Yes. Is it possible to resist? Yes. Once you can settle this in your heart, fidelity becomes not just a possibility but also your lifestyle. Infidelity occurs when people choose to esteem their problems above their promises. Don’t let that be your story. 

Action Point: Commit to drinking only from your own well. Make up your mind to do it and ask God to help you keep to it. Erect boundaries that will help you stand by your commitment.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi

‘“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:4-6(NLT)

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

If only the marriage ceremony alone could result in the two becoming one flesh. In the eyes of the law, man and wife have certainly become one, but in reality, leaving and cleaving can take a lifetime. Ever seen couples that tend to think alike and react the same way when faced with the same situations? They didn’t get that way after their wedding night. It took years of building their relationship. Though stories of couples differ, one thing most agree to is that for a marriage to stand the test of time, you must be deliberate about making some decisions such as growing up, learning from wise counsel, and sticking to your marriage vows.

Couples must grow up and get rid of the sense of entitlement that people have, thinking that the world owes them favors and handouts and throw tantrums when they don’t get their way. Only helpless infants are permitted to have that kind of sense of entitlement. Work for want you want. You need to sow if you want to reap. And it’s the same in marriage. You cannot enter marriage feeling entitled to love, care, and pampering. You have to give it to get it. You have to take responsibility for the state of your marriage and how your home will turn out. 

Pride keeps many couples from getting help when they need it. You need to have a wise and trusted authority figure you respect and seek counsel from. Other people’s experiences are just as good to learn from. Don’t wait for problems to arise before seeking out mentors. Find them early and build a circle of strength and accountability around your marriage.

At a certain point in your marriage, when the full weight of your commitment hits you, you will need to decide whether or not you will check out of marriage-mentally, emotionally, or physically. When my wife and I faced stormy times in our marriage, separation seemed like the easier way out. In the seasons of trials, it seems a lot easier to give in than to push through the pain. Thankfully, we decided to stick with our vows and we are so glad that we did. Realize that what is on the other side of the trial is a solid marriage with a great spouse! Don’t quit.

Action Point: What will it take for you both to be together until ‘death do you part’? List out the things you believe are required and put your heart and might into achieving this.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi

‘So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.’ Genesis 1:27(NLT)

‘Since everything God created is good, we should not reject any of it but receive it with thanks. ‘ 1 Timothy 4:4(NLT)

In marriage, you must distinguish between a weakness and a difference. A weakness is a disadvantage or a fault and should always be dealt with. A difference is the way in which two people or things are not alike. It’s simply a fact about the situation at hand.

In marriage, there are several areas outside the physical in which a couple differ such as background, race or tribe, education, vocation, personality type, and so on. The very nature of marriage involves two different parts coming together to make a more interesting whole. We sometimes forget that God made the man and the woman different and called both of them good. Compatibility is not about finding your clone but about finding the one who brings a different ingredient to the table that will match yours. 

Differences are neither life-threatening nor marriage-threatening. Upbringing tempts us to feel either inferior or superior to our spouses. You forget that none of us had anything to do with where we were born or raised, and therefore, deserve neither credit nor discredit. You both get to learn vital things that complement each other and not tear you apart. Do not let ignorance, prejudice or insecurities about your differences ruin your marriage. Approach differences with a sense of appreciation and adventure for a chance to learn something new and you might just grow to love that thing that is so different. You are different but special – fearfully and wonderfully made to complement not confound each other. Differences have a multiplier effect on life or living. They are to be celebrated, not tolerated.

Action Point: Show genuine interest in what makes your spouse different by choosing to share in one of such differences. Make a date of it, complete with smiles, laughter and an appreciation of what makes them tick.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi

‘Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city.’ Proverbs 16:32(NLT)

‘A hot-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stops them.’ Proverbs 15:18(NLT)

‘Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. ‘ James 1:20(NLT)

Your emotions were given to you to master, not the other way around. When it comes to marriage, the way you manage your emotions can either make or break it. Are there times that your spouse has to tiptoe around your bad mood? Do you take out your frustrations at work on your family? Are you non-expressive when it comes to love but extremely expressive when it comes to anger? If you answered yes to these questions, then your emotional account is in the red.

Understand that currencies spent in relationships are primarily emotional. That’s why if you have been nasty to your spouse, you know better than to ask for a favor five minutes later; and if you were sweet to him or her, your request is less likely to be refused. In other words, you can cash an emotional cheque when you have emotional credit with your spouse. On the other hand, if you don’t feed your spouse with positive emotional energy, your emotional cheques will bounce! If all the emotions you spend in a relationship are negative, that account could close for good – by that I mean that your spouse will entertain thoughts on leaving and could one day act on it.

Your spouse deserves somebody who is open and loving. Do your best to conquer or manage that weakness. Sometimes it takes just a little communication. “Honey, I had a lousy day at work, I just need an hour to shake it off.” Within that hour, pray, listen to music, dance, shout, and do whatever is required to shake off that negative cloud. Your spouse will appreciate it and love you even more for it. Learn to manage your emotions for the good of your marriage. Let your positive attributes shine and minimize the effects of the negative. Most importantly, ensure that the primary emotion your spouse feels from you is love.

Action Point: Top it up. Do several things today that express your love for your spouse. I advise that you don’t cash your emotional cheque just yet. Let your deposits stay and yield interest.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

For many couples that waited for marriage to have sex, they can attest to the fact that staying pure was a challenge. Your chemistry before marriage was off the charts. Half the time, you needed a chaperone around to keep you accountable. So, it is very surprising when all that chemistry seems to have fizzled to nothingness when you eventually get married. How is it possible that people who couldn’t hold hands without feeling electricity now have no fire in the bedroom just a few months or years down the line?

The reason chemistry is so vibrant during courtship is because of the air of mystery surrounding your mate. Everything forbidden appears more exciting than it really is. When things are lawful or your entitlement, it is easy to take them for granted.

The key to keeping your sex life vibrant for decades in your marriage is being vigilant about disallowing familiarity as familiarity has a way of killing sexual chemistry.

When you’ve gotten married, you are used to seeing each other at your best and worst, and excitement can wane. Some men disdain their wives who have to take off their makeup at home and admire the flashy women at work. Get real. Those women don’t wake up or go to bed like that. You may not even recognize them without makeup! Women, that guy who looks like he stepped off the cover of GQ isn’t real. He probably has bad breath in the morning! Stop chasing a mirage. Don’t trade what is real for what is pure fiction. Instead, focus on rekindling the spark.

Revisit whatever it was that made intimacy great in the beginning. Revive it and guard it jealously. If you and your spouse have never enjoyed intimacy, however, you should have a serious talk about it.

Action Point: Be intentional about reigniting the fire, find out what makes your spouse tick in this regard, and then do it. Don’t hold on to wrongdoings during the day and use them to withdraw from your spouse at night.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi

‘For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light. ‘ Mark 4:22(NLT)

‘A gossip goes around telling secrets, but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence.’ Proverbs 11:13(NLT)

‘When arguing with your neighbor, don’t betray another person’s secret.’ Proverbs 25:9(NLT)

The lifeblood of a relationship is free and honest communication. Being secretive directly contradicts that because it means there are parts of yourself that you have chosen to withhold from your spouse. 

People often mistake being secretive for the ability to keep a secret. While the former is the concealment of intentions and information, the latter speaks of confidentiality, which is the quality of being trustworthy. 

Marriage is about intimacy. A word I often explain as ‘into-me-see’ – meaning, letting your spouse see all of you – the good and not-so-good parts. It’s about opening up to each other without shame. What you really want is someone who knows your worst flaws but chooses to love you regardless.

The thing about secrets is that they always come out and hurt the people you love. Secrets uncovered in marriage cause the discovering party to feel betrayed and sometimes trapped. It may suggest that you did not trust your spouse enough to fully open up to them. 

You need to give your spouse some credit – don’t assume that they will be unable to handle the weight of your secret. Are you keeping a secret from your spouse? Deliberately deepen the communication lines between yourselves. 

Action Point: Practice vulnerability. Start being more open with your spouse about the little things. Be deliberate about building trust.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi

‘A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.’ Proverbs 17:17(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. ‘ Ephesians 4:2(NLT)

If you got a promotion today, who would you call first? When you suffer a loss or disappointment, whose comfort do you crave the most? Who can’t you wait to share that hilarious joke with? Who is it incredibly difficult for you to keep a secret from? That would be your best friend, right? Ideally, that best friend should also be your spouse. If they didn’t fall among your top three people to contact, you need to work on your friendship.

Friendship is the adhesive that holds the entire structure of your marriage together. Unlike passion, it is the foundation of a true and lasting relationship. Friendship trumps passion because in a crisis, sex may not cut it. If for some funny reason the passion fades, friendship will be what secures your relationship. 

A friend is someone who is honest with you, who wants the best for you and has the courage to tell you areas where you need change. Someone who you trust, talk to, share life’s experiences and interests with; someone you feel confident enough to be honest and vulnerable with. Many couples assume that marriage will automatically build friendship and this is false. Love and friendship are both choices but you must invest in the process of building a strong friendship with each other.

Action Point: Talk. Talk even about the mundane parts of your day; that’s what friends do. Every discussion doesn’t have to be intellectually stimulating. Sometimes communicate just to stay close.

from SOLID…Building the Marriage of your Dreams by Godman Akinlabi