Tag: Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:6-9(NLT)

Devotional Content:

One of my favorite things to share with couples as they enter into marriage is their uniqueness. Think about it. You are one of a kind and your spouse is one of a kind.  Together you have a one-of-a-kind marriage. Take that into the sexual relationship and what the two of you have is unique in all the world. No two people will ever come together like the two of you.

That uniqueness makes it so important for each of us to relearn “sex-ed.” Even if you had the very best education about sex in marriage, you were not educated about your spouse. What is exciting for one person may be different for another. What causes deep, close intimacy will be a little or a lot different from one couple to the next. That’s why I have couples begin sharing their sexual expectations before marriage. Yet, in marriage I think it goes deeper than expectations. It is getting to know each other at a deep, intimate level. The Bible in Genesis talks about Adam and Eve, the first man and wife, being “naked and unashamed.” I think that means that they shared with each other what they wanted, felt, liked, didn’t like, and much more. There was no filter because they did not need one. They totally trusted each other and experienced amazing intimacy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  

The best part is that intimacy is there for us just like it was for them. That was and is God’s plan. Let’s look at it this way. The first “sex-ed” course I took was from the world I lived in. It taught me what my culture believed about sex. It was a course I wish I had never enrolled in, but I did. Lots of us did. Today we can enroll in another “sex-ed” course. It is very, very different from the other one and it really, really works because the Professor is amazing. You see, He’s the One who invented sex in the first place!  

Today’s Challenge: 

Where did you first begin to learn about sex and sexuality? Share how that affected your views about sex.

Going Deeper: 

1. Who influenced your “sex education?” Was that positive or negative? Why?

2. How much time have you devoted as a couple to developing your sexual relationship? Has it been a priority?

3. How would you rate your communication about sex in your marriage? (Use a 1–10 scale with 10 being the highest.)

4. Are you willing as a couple to spend time working together to improve your sexual relationship? Will you begin today?

Resource: 

Use mundane moments for Godly purpose in your marriage with our House Prayer Cards.

Prayer is the single BEST thing you can for your marriage. God is the one who can ultimately change your hearts and your marriage for the better, so inviting him in to do those things is the single best thing you can do for your marriage.

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:9(NLT)

‘Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:2(NLT)

Devotional Content:

When Nancy and I got married, we had no idea that we were bringing sexual baggage into our new marriage. In fact, we had no idea what “baggage” was all about. As we left for our honeymoon, we checked four bags. Four bags for two people! We overpacked, but those four bags were a good visual of the baggage we brought into marriage concerning sex. Talk about overpacking.  

Neither one of us had received any real counsel on sex in marriage. My sex education came mostly from peers, magazines and other sources that gave me a lot of totally useless information. Nancy’s sex education was similar but focused on the message, “sex is bad, avoid it.” I think we both thought that our sexual relationship in marriage would be great. In many ways it was, but the baggage we brought in presented many challenges that we had to work our way through. We did not expect that part.  

As a counselor, I have counseled many couples and individuals that had sexual baggage to work through. The distance between God’s plan for sex in marriage and what many people have experienced or heard about can be literally as far as the east is from the west! Our culture alone bombards us daily with sex and sexuality. Our life experiences of sex outside of marriage color the way we look at the sexual relationship and the opposite sex. In the case of sexual abuse, God’s plan for sex seems very distant; almost unattainable. We can easily get buried under the sexual baggage that we carry.

The good news is that there is hope. Hope in the reality that we have a God who loves us more than we can ever imagine, whose plan for sex in marriage is an amazing gift available to each of us. He wants that for you, for me and for all of us. Will it take work?  Sure. Will some of us need outside help? Yes. Will it be worth it? Absolutely! 

Today’s Challenge: 

Take time to identify and share about any sexual baggage you brought into marriage.

Going Deeper: 

1. Where did that baggage originate?

2. How has your sexual baggage affected your marriage?

3. What have you learned about your spouse in relation to the sexual relationship?

4. What are your next steps in dealing with your sexual baggage?

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

‘Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. ‘ Ephesians 5:3(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Most us of give little, if any, thought to how we look at sex and how that affects us as we head into marriage. Whether we realize it or not, we each have a belief system about sex and what it is supposed to be in marriage. Obviously, one of the main influences for each of us is our family of origin. Did your family talk about sex or not? If it did, what was said, and by whom? It it did not, what message did that send to you?  

Today, as we grow from childhood to adulthood we are likely to get mixed messages, which come from a myriad of sources. We hear about “information overload” and that description definitely fits the information we get about sex. Most of the people I talk to can list all the places where they learned about sex but very few include the church! If the church was part of their sex education, it often was taught that “sex is bad, stay away from it.”  

The truth is that sex was created by God. It is a gift to us from Him. As we read in Song of Solomon, sex between a husband and a wife is to be enjoyed. The only boundary God gave was for sex to be reserved for the marriage relationship. Why? Because God created us and knows us far better than we will ever know ourselves. He knows full well the consequences of having sex outside of a marriage relationship. The boundary was for our well being, not to deprive us of something. That’s it. That is God’s plan. It is simple and makes sense. For some reason, man and woman have repeatedly tried to rewrite the “rules” about sex, and look where it has gotten us today.  

Think through all the things you have believed about sex. Maybe even take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side, write down God’s plan for sex that we just talked about. On the right side write down everything you were taught or believed about sex that was different than God’s plan. My guess is that there is a lot more writing on the right side of your paper than the left side. Now this is where change can begin to take place. One by one draw a line through everything that is not God’s plan. Pray that as you cross them off your sheet of paper, God will renew your mind and firmly implant His plan of sex in marriage.

Today’s Challenge: 

Share what you were taught about sex in your family of origin.

Going Deeper:

1. How has your family of origin affected your view of sex today?

2. What were the negative messages about sex you received as you were growing up?

3. What have been the sexual frustrations for each of you in your marriage?

4. What is your part in rewriting your beliefs about sex in marriage?

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.’ Proverbs 18:13(NLT)

‘And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ‘ Romans 8:28(NLT)

Devotional Content:

We all have a “honeymoon story.” I have yet to talk to a couple that says their honeymoon met every expectation. For one, after the hectic days leading up to—and including—their wedding day, most couples are exhausted by the time the honeymoon arrives. I have known couples that told me later that they were even too tired to make love on their wedding night and felt they had committed some sin by not doing so.  Others talk of fighting on their honeymoon. Or of one person getting injured or sick.  Expectations were either damaged or destroyed and they look back at their honeymoon with unmet expectations.

When I talk to premarital couples, I stress the importance of realistic expectations for the honeymoon. Unfortunately, most of us were not told that and did not keep our expectations realistic. In the video, I share part of our honeymoon story. At the time we were disappointed. Things went off script. But as we look back, we are able to see what God taught us during that time. God has a way of always bringing good out of what seem like bad things.  

We learned to be more flexible. Now when things don’t go as we would like, we roll with it more easily, and look for what God has for us. We learned to talk more about our expectations and to keep them realistic. This has been a huge help for us. When Nancy was sick on our honeymoon, we learned that we were now dependent on each other in a new way. I was the one who had to figure out how to help her. We were in Mexico and her mom was lots of miles away. The task fell on me. Nancy had to trust that I would—and could—take care of her. She had never really seen me in that role without a backup close at hand. The really cool thing was that, as a result, our marriage took a huge growth step that never would have happened if our expectations had been met in the way we wanted. It’s funny that looking back now, I would not change a thing!

Today’s Challenge: 

Share the expectations you had going into your honeymoon. Were they realistic or not? 

Going Deeper:

1. Share with each other the positives of your honeymoon experience.

2. What were some obstacles you had to deal with on your honeymoon?

3. How did your honeymoon affect your sex life the first year of marriage?

4. What did you learn about your spouse that has been helpful in growing your sexual relationship in marriage?

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Your children will commit themselves to you, O Jerusalem, just as a young man commits himself to his bride. Then God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.’ Isaiah 62:5(NLT)

‘Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.’ Hebrews 13:4(NLT)

Devotional Content:

One of the things that Nancy and I did not do before marriage was talk about our future sex life and what we each expected it to look like. I don’t think we were that different from most couples. As I work with couples in the counseling room, I am always amazed about how little conversation there has been about sex. One of the things I do with premarital couples is to get them talking about their expectations for sex in marriage. It is interesting that we live in a sex-charged world, yet talk so little about it in our marriage relationships. One of my prayers for you during this reading plan is that it will open the door to conversations about your sexual relationship.

I think that going into marriage I felt like I knew all that I needed to know and that a great sex life would just happen. That theory didn’t hold water very long. I left out an essential part. Actually two essential parts. The first was Nancy’s expectations and the second was God’s plan for sex in marriage. What we learned over time, after a lot of pain and fighting, was that a great sex life takes work and effort. For us that meant talking, sharing, listening, experimenting, and patience. We had to forget what our culture said and let God show us His plan for sex. His plan blends the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. His plan is for a mingling of souls and it can only happen in a Christian marriage. It is the best sex ever!

Today’s Challenge: 

Take time to share the expectations you had for your sexual relationship as you entered into marriage.

Going Deeper:

1. What messages about sex do you see in your culture? How are those messages affecting you and your marriage?

2. Dr. Kim talks about sex as a gift from God. How does that truth affect you and your view of sex in marriage?

3. On a scale of 1–10 (10 being the highest) how would you rate your sexual relationship today? (Each of you may have different ratings and that is okay.)

4. What is one thing you can do to improve your sexual relationship?

from Sex In Marriage: The Basics—Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling