Tag: Sex

‘For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.’ Isaiah 43:19(NLT)

‘Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”’ Matthew 11:28-30(NLT)

‘The Lord protects them and keeps them alive. He gives them prosperity in the land and rescues them from their enemies. The Lord nurses them when they are sick and restores them to health.’ Psalms 41:2-3(NLT)

Is a great marriage possible without good sex? That’s a question we never thought we’d have to answer. My wife and I married young and thought our sex life would be effortless and fun. We were good kids in a good marriage, so why wouldn’t that include good sex?

Within the first year, my wife was pregnant. She started experiencing stabbing pain during intercourse. We assumed it was a pregnancy complication. But the pregnancy passed, and the pain stayed.

The pain lasted four years. Even after it subsided, emotional scars remained. We would occasionally have what I insensitively called “real sex,” but it wasn’t enjoyable. She was understandably scared the pain would come back. I felt like we were a million miles apart emotionally.

It wasn’t until I learned to love my wife more than I loved sex that our relationship started to heal. When we love each other like Jesus, our marriage is unbreakable.

Here are some tips for an unbreakable marriage:

1. Keep the communication lines open. Both spouses need to feel safe enough to express their desires and fears. Listen closely to your partner and put their needs above yours. If you both do this, acceptable compromises are within reach.

2. Don’t give up. Just because your expectations aren’t being met doesn’t give you an excuse to quit your marriage. Our vows included the phrase “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” That vow is still as valid as the day we first said it.

3. Don’t look over the fence. Once you start to feel like your sex life is hopeless, it’s tempting to start looking outside your marriage for fulfillment. If you’re struggling with pornography, get help. Also, don’t share your struggles with members of the opposite sex. You may find a person who is empathetic and understanding, but that relationship can undermine your marriage.

4. Find help. Sharing your experiences together as a couple with someone who can help is vital. We struggled for so long because we were too scared to talk to anyone. Find a counselor or a therapist. If the problem is physical, talk to your doctor.

No matter how difficult your situation, I promise you it can be better than it is today. Even if sex as you see it will never again be possible, there are ways to find fulfillment and lasting intimacy. God has the supernatural ability to make all things new and that includes your sex life.

—Michael

from Sex

‘Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser. Let those with understanding receive guidance’ Proverbs 1:5(NLT)

‘Instruct the wise, and they will be even wiser. Teach the righteous, and they will learn even more.’ Proverbs 9:9(NLT)

‘Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.’ Proverbs 13:20(NLT)

‘As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.’ Proverbs 27:17(NLT)

Sex is a sacred endeavor between husband and wife. But there are times that we need and desire the thoughts from our closest friends and trusted counselors because we struggle to navigate the uneasy waters of the sexual conversation. 

Guys, do you have a friend who honors his wife in a healthy marriage? Start there. Women, look for a friend who cherishes her husband and honors God with her marriage. Your friend should love God and be earnestly in pursuit of a relationship with Him. Who can you think of who has a solid history of fruitfully ministering truth to others, has a healthy awareness of their own strengths and weaknesses, displays self-discipline, and is unabashed in articulating the truths of God’s Word? It’s a tall list for sure. You might not know of anyone, but ask your other friends who they trust. Find a Christian counselor near you. Ask a couple who’s a little further down the road than you if they’d mentor you.

Often, symptoms such as depression and anxiety, exhaustion, and stress (just to name a few) can lead to individuals having little to no sex drive, and in the case of sexual trauma, individuals can have a mistrust of anything sexual. Partners often state a “lack of feeling appreciated,” “no emotional connection,” and even “no romance” as reasons for having little to no desire for sexual intimacy with their spouse.* 

No matter the reason, if we love our spouses and are seeking to meet their needs, just as they are seeking to meet our needs, we should be willing to seek whatever help possible to increase the satisfaction and desire to connect intimately with them.

Remember, God intends sex within marriage to be sacred and blessed for both partners. He wants you to increase in emotional and spiritual connection with one another, but these issues may widen the gap already present between you and your spouse. You are not alone, so find support and encouragement today.

My prayer is that, you begin to see sex through the amazing and satisfying eyes of God Himself. His desires should be our desires. His pleasures should be our pleasures. 

—Brandon, LMFT-S, PCIT

Pray: God, align our desires with Your desires, so that our dreams align with Your purposes. Let Your will be done through us and let our love for one another grow stronger each day, bringing glory and honor to You. Amen.

*It is highly recommended that if you have an aversion to sex, pain during intercourse, a past history of sexual trauma, a low libido, or feel unsatisfied with your sexual relationship with your spouse, that you seek help immediately. Professional counselors, along with medical professionals, can help provide emotional, relational, and physiological support. 

from Sex

‘But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:2-5(NLT)

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her ‘ Ephesians 5:25(NLT)

Gulp! This is a controversial myth to write about. If I write this myth one way, the more sex-driven spouse will cheer with adulation while texting this article to the less sex-driven spouse saying, “WAKE UP AND READ THIS!” While if I write this piece in another way, the less sex-driven spouse will sigh in relief and feel justified in saying “Nope” to sex even more often. Not to mention that this might inform your expectations for marriage if you’re single. 

Regardless of whether you’re married or not, it’s always good to remember that your expectations for sex in marriage may differ from your spouse’s or future spouse’s, so it’s great to have a healthy view of how to honor and empathize with one another. 

So, let’s let the Apostle Paul speak on this one. In 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, he said the act of sex is only between a man and his wife and neither should deprive the other unless by mutual consent. Husband and wife no longer solely “own” their own bodies, but each now belongs to the other.

At the same time, Paul also wrote in Ephesians 5:25 that men are to love their wives, just as Christ loves the Church. Christ gave up everything for the Church. He wasn’t demanding or selfish. He considered our need for a Savior even greater than His own life. So, husbands are called to an incredibly high standard. They’re called to lay down their lives for their wives.

Sex is a dance of mutual love and respect. The frequency of sexual intimacy that’s healthy will be different for each couple. Ask your spouse if they’re happy with your sexual frequency. If they say they’d actually like to have more sex or less sex, don’t just laugh it off. Consider how you can mutually satisfy and enjoy each other.

—Brandon, LMFT-S, PCIT  

from Sex

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:10(NLT)

‘So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.’ Galatians 5:1(NLT)

‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” ‘ Galatians 5:13-14(NLT)

‘So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. ‘ James 2:12(NLT)

Yesterday we unearthed the biblical truth that we are to take delight in our spouse, and mutually, in one another’s body. However, we are given the freedom through Scripture to enjoy and explore the gift of one another’s body. We can take delight in our sexual adventures with our spouse, while also holding true to boundaries set forth in Scripture.

When it comes to what is and what isn’t allowed in Christian sex, there aren’t a ton of details offered in Scripture. When a man and woman who are married follow God’s Word about treating one another with respect and devotion, they’re practicing God-honoring sex. 

If you’re single, you can still start setting a foundation of purity for your future marriage by having healthy views on what honors God today. 

It wouldn’t be godly to engage in a sexual behavior if it would hurt, embarrass, or be displeasing to either partner. It wouldn’t be godly to bring pornography into your marriage—or to consume it before you’re married—because that’s not following Jesus’ warnings about lusting. 

God’s Word gives a lot of freedom within the bounds of the marriage bed to explore and enjoy your sexual relationship with your spouse, but as you do, remember Romans 12:10 NIV: Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 

—Brandon, LMFT-S, PCIT 

from Sex

‘You are beautiful, my darling, beautiful beyond words. Your eyes are like doves behind your veil. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are as white as sheep, recently shorn and freshly washed. Your smile is flawless, each tooth matched with its twin. Your lips are like scarlet ribbon; your mouth is inviting. Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates behind your veil. Your neck is as beautiful as the tower of David, jeweled with the shields of a thousand heroes. Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the lilies. Before the dawn breezes blow and the night shadows flee, I will hurry to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense. You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way. Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon. Come down from Mount Amana, from the peaks of Senir and Hermon, where the lions have their dens and leopards live among the hills. You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace. Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride. Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices. Your lips are as sweet as nectar, my bride. Honey and milk are under your tongue. Your clothes are scented like the cedars of Lebanon. You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride, a secluded spring, a hidden fountain. Your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates with rare spices— henna with nard, nard and saffron, fragrant calamus and cinnamon, with all the trees of frankincense, myrrh, and aloes, and every other lovely spice. You are a garden fountain, a well of fresh water streaming down from Lebanon’s mountains. ‘ Song of Songs 4:1-15(NLT)

‘How beautiful are your sandaled feet, O queenly maiden. Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a skilled craftsman. Your navel is perfectly formed like a goblet filled with mixed wine. Between your thighs lies a mound of wheat bordered with lilies. Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle. Your neck is as beautiful as an ivory tower. Your eyes are like the sparkling pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath-rabbim. Your nose is as fine as the tower of Lebanon overlooking Damascus. Your head is as majestic as Mount Carmel, and the sheen of your hair radiates royalty. The king is held captive by its tresses. Oh, how beautiful you are! How pleasing, my love, how full of delights! You are slender like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters of fruit. I said, “I will climb the palm tree and take hold of its fruit.” May your breasts be like grape clusters, and the fragrance of your breath like apples. May your kisses be as exciting as the best wine—’ Song of Songs 7:1-9(NLT)

Yesterday, we talked about debunking the myth that sex is dirty. Today, let’s talk about another common lie we can often think about sex. Although sex is more than an indulgence of the flesh, it is also more than the act of procreation. Read Song of Songs 4:5-7. 

This Song is more than a metaphorical symbol between Christ and the Church. We cannot neglect the physical aspects of its words. This Song is also a call for a husband to take delight in his wife’s body and a wife to delight in the body of her husband. 

Now read Song of Songs 7:6-9. Have you ever caught the smile of your spouse and thought, “They are so beautiful”? Or, have you ever noticed them as they walked through the living room and said, “You look fiiiine today”? 

There should be no shame in looking at your spouse with delight in your heart, thankfulness in your soul, and mutually choosing to engage in the act of sex because you desire one another. Yes, God made our spouse to be pleasing to our eyes and arouse our desires so we may be fruitful and multiply, but the pleasures of sex should not end there. We are missing out on one of the most blessed aspects of sex in marriage if we do. It honors God to delight in His creation, your spouse. 

—Brandon, LMFT-S, PCIT

from Sex

‘Now the Holy Spirit tells us clearly that in the last times some will turn away from the true faith; they will follow deceptive spirits and teachings that come from demons. These people are hypocrites and liars, and their consciences are dead. They will say it is wrong to be married and wrong to eat certain foods. But God created those foods to be eaten with thanks by faithful people who know the truth. Since everything God created is good, we should not reject any of it but receive it with thanks. For we know it is made acceptable by the word of God and prayer.’ 1 Timothy 4:1-5(NLT)

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

‘In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:28-33(NLT)

A lot of people are hesitant to bring up the subject of sex—especially in Christian circles. Which has given rise to several myths about Christians and sex. Let’s take a look into some of those myths so we can get some answers, once and for all. Here is the first of five myths which we, the Church, must no longer allow into our worldview of Christianity or our marriages: sex is dirty.

How do most conversations on sex start? With a look around the room at who may be within earshot, a hand cupped over one’s mouth, and a whisper. Sometimes we stay quiet because we don’t want to let just anyone into our private world. Sometimes it’s because we’re embarrassed. But what other message could this lowering of the voice and watching out for who’s listening subconsciously send? It could send a message that what you’re whispering about (sex) is bad. It can take hold until it enters your conscious thoughts, causing you to feel shame when discussing it—even with your spouse!

Yet, what does God say about sex and sexuality? God created sexual intimacy for marriage, and if God created it, how can it be dirty? In 1 Timothy 4:1-5, Paul confronted false teachings on marriage. He urged believers to receive the truth that what God created, God deemed good. He further urged them not reject the pleasures found within but to wholeheartedly receive them with thanksgiving.

Furthermore, if sex in marriage is dirty, then why is Scripture so graphic in its forthright description of sexual love? Don’t believe me? Then stand up right now and read aloud Proverbs 5:18-19. I’ll wait. … Did your voice suddenly go quiet when you began to read, “may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love”? I bet it did—especially if other people were around.

But there’s nothing dirty or shameful in God-honoring sex. God created man and woman the way He did so your spouse’s body would be delightful to you. So, sex, when in the context of marriage, is a gift from God. 

—Brandon, LMFT-S, PCIT

from Sex

‘I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ —for this will bring much glory and praise to God.’ Philippians 1:9-11(NLT)

‘And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.’ Philippians 4:8-9(NLT)

‘Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. ‘ 1 Timothy 4:12(NLT)

When James met Mandy, he knew she was the one. Mandy … not so much. But years of friendship led to a wonderful marriage. After more than a year of marriage, they both consider purity one of their most important dating commitments. Here’s a little of their story. 

Mandy: I grew up around church, so when I was a kid, all my friends talked about purity. Purity rings were all the rage. I assumed purity was something about not giving your body to a boy. To me, that meant no kissing or anything else until marriage. I think a lot of people view purity this way. It’s all about not doing something physical. Since then, I’ve learned it’s way more than that.

Purity is about your heart. Purity is way less about not doing something, and way more about doing something. When James and I were dating, instead of merely avoiding something, we chose to pursue Christ first. When you truly seek God with all your heart, He helps you remain pure.

Now that we’re married, we’re still pure. But that doesn’t mean we’re abstaining! I’ll never forget a moment on our honeymoon. Full of emotion, I realized how holy marriage really is. I looked at James, and said, “I get it now, more than ever. Choosing purity was so worth it.” So, even if you’ve made mistakes, you can still choose purity because purity is about pursuing Christ with all your heart. I promise you—it’s worth it.

James: Unlike Mandy, I didn’t grow up around church. Purity was a huge challenge. During my teenage years, I developed an unhealthy view of women and a destructive relationship with pornography. After graduating from high school, I gave my life to Christ. I knew I wanted to marry someone who pursued Jesus with everything they had. I also knew winning over a girl like her meant I needed to pursue Jesus with obedience. So, I changed my phone settings to only access websites I needed for work. Also, I had a close friend of mine regularly ask me how I was doing.

My pastor, Craig Groeschel, put it well when he said, “Why resist a temptation tomorrow that you can eliminate today?” A few years into marriage, Mandy and I realize the vow of purity remains just as important today as it was before we ever met. And like Mandy said, it’s worth it.

So, if you’re struggling with purity whether you’re dating, married, or neither, today is your day to open up to people you love and respect. Shame grows in the dark, but you’ve been set free by the light of the world!

—James and Mandy

from Sex