Tag: Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts

‘Praise the Lord ! Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heaven! Praise him for his mighty works; praise his unequaled greatness! Praise him with a blast of the ram’s horn; praise him with the lyre and harp! Praise him with the tambourine and dancing; praise him with strings and flutes! Praise him with a clash of cymbals; praise him with loud clanging cymbals. Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord !’ Psalms 150:1-6(NLT)

We’ll admit it. For much of our marriage, we have felt out of sync spiritually. Not that we don’t share the same values or maintain our individual walks with God. It was more that we didn’t understand each other’s way of relating to God. And that made it difficult to relate to God as a couple.

I (Leslie) am a contemplative, through and through. I like nothing more than to spend time each day alone with God. I like to rise early and spend time in God’s Word. It comes naturally. Nothing about this style, however, seemed natural to Les.

I (Les) tend to be more intellectual about my faith. I don’t know if it’s my upbringing or my academic training (including seminary), but I feel closest to God when I am studying an insight new to me. I come alive in my relationship with God when I gain a new insight. The time I most often spend with God is while I’m reading a new book or in my study, lined with reference tools that help me in my spiritual pursuit. Not so for Leslie. She viewed my approach as too academic and emotionally removed.

So how do the two of us relate to God together? We each still lean into what brings us closer to God individually—but now we also value each other’s approach. In the past, we selfishly expected the other to conform to our own leanings. After all, that felt like the best way to relate to God. But now we value the other’s sacred path. This simple revelation was a breakthrough for our marriage.

In practical terms, how do each of you relate to God best and how can that help you cultivate spiritual intimacy together as a couple? And as you read this biblical passage from Psalms, consider how praising God together factors into your shared bond. What are examples of how you do this?

from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.’ Philippians 2:3-5(NLT)

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

We’ve had our share of fights. What marriage, with a few years of history, hasn’t? But can you imagine a couple fighting over a bar of soap –to the point that it ended their marriage?

That’s the plotline of the book, Love in the Time of Cholera. It was the wife’s job to keep the house in order, including the towels, toilet paper, and soap in the bathroom. One day she forgot to replace the soap.

Her husband exaggerated the oversight: “I’ve been bathing for almost a week without any soap.”

She vigorously denied forgetting to replace the soap. Although she had indeed forgotten, her pride was at stake, and she would not back down. For the next seven months they slept in separate rooms and ate in silence. Their marriage had suffered a heart attack.

“Even when they were old and placid,” says the author, “they were very careful about bringing it up, for the barely healed wounds could begin to bleed again as if they had been inflicted only yesterday.”

How can a bar of soap ruin a marriage? The answer is actually simple: Because neither partner would say, “Forgive me.”

Those two words are essential to a successful partnership – and a requirement for moving past conflict.

Your relationship must be continually wrapped and rewrapped in forgiveness. Without it, your connection to each other will falter under the unbearable weight of blame and pain – as this biblical passage shows us. So how natural or easy is it for both of you to ask one another for forgiveness?

from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.’ Proverbs 29:11(NLT)

Do Not Judge Other
‘“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. “Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.
Effective Prayer
“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.
The Golden Rule
“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.
The Narrow Gate
“You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it.
The Tree and Its Fruit
“Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves. You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.
True Disciples
“Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’
Building on a Solid Foundation
“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.” When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, for he taught with real authority—quite unlike their teachers of religious law.’ Matthew 7:1-29(NLT)

A survey of more than 1,000 married couples found that husbands and wives don’t tend to talk about the same things.

The leading discussion subject for men is news events (talked about in the previous week by 71 percent of respondents), followed by work (68 percent).

Women, on the other hand, talked about food (76 percent) and health (72 percent).

Men were far more likely to have talked about sports (65 percent to women’s 42 percent) while women were more likely to have discussed personal problems (52 percent to men’s 40 percent).

Whatever the topic, however, we share one thing in common. Husbands and wives depend on communication to keep their relationship running. It is the lifeblood of every marriage. Couples who can’t communicate well, who don’t speak clearly and listen carefully, soon fall apart. It’s key to bridging the gender gap.

In the previous day’s reading, we explored communication in general, but how are you using it to bridge the inevitable gender gap that so many couples struggle with? If you were to rate your effectiveness in understanding each other as a man and a woman, on a scale of one to ten, how well are you doing? And what could help you do this better?

Another important question: How would you rate yourself when it comes to listening to your partner? Be honest as you talk to each other about this. What seems to distract you most (e.g., your phone) while you’re trying to have a conversation and why? More importantly, what will you do to minimize the distraction? After all: “The road to the heart is the ear,” wrote Voltaire. Carefully listening to your partner is the quickest path across the gender gap and it’s sure to engender more intimacy.

As you read these biblical passages, consider how they can inform your actions in this area.

from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. ‘ 1 Corinthians 1:10(NLT)

‘Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. ‘ 1 John 3:18(NLT)

A traditional Navaho wedding was taking place outside of Seattle. As was customary, tribal couples crowded into their Hogan, a Navaho dwelling structure, to offer counsel to the newlyweds.

One man cleared his throat as if to speak, but at that very moment his wife kneed him in the back. So he kept silent. Later he again cleared his throat, but again felt his wife’s restraining knee. It happened a third time.

As the guests filed out, the wife with the knee asked her husband, “Why did you say nothing?”

“I was going to, but each time I was about to speak I thought you didn’t want me to.”

“I nudged you three times to get you to speak,” she protested. “What would you have said?”

“I would have spoken of the importance of communication in marriage.”

It’s nearly impossible to exaggerate the importance of communication in marriage – as well as the difficulty it presents for most couples.

Experts estimate that 70 percent of our waking hours are spent either taking information in or giving it out. Thirty-three percent of that time is devoted to talking and 42 percent to listening. We communicate more than just about any other human activity.

So why do so many married couples have communication problems?

One big reason is busyness. In a national survey of married couples, researchers found that, on average, we spend less than three minutes of meaningful conversation together in a typical day.

Yikes! Can you believe it? At this stage in your relationship you may be saying, “That will never happen to us.” We get that. And we believe it – as long as you are intentional.

So what can you do at the outset of your marriage to combat busyness and ensure that you have meaningful time to talk? What honeymoon habit can you put in place? In practical terms, how do these biblical passages shed light on what you might need to do?

from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:17(NLT)

‘Do everything without complaining and arguing, ‘ Philippians 2:14(NLT)

Little did we know, however, that we would receive more thankful emails on this chapter than any other. Here’s a typical note:

Les & Leslie: I’m so glad we read your chapter on the habit of happiness. It changed everything about our honeymoon.

You see, my new husband wanted to surprise me – and that’s what he did. But not in a good way. He took me camping for our honeymoon. I couldn’t believe it. He was so excited but I was stunned.

Not only that, but when we got to the campsite, it was raining. Hard. I was sitting in the soggy tent watching him try to start a fire with wet logs and I started sulking. How could he do this to me, I thought. Did I just marry the most insensitive guy in the world?

I was just gearing up to tell him what a ridiculous idea this was and then it hit me. The message of your chapter filled my mind – I could choose my attitude. I realized we’d be telling this honeymoon story forever and I could either make it more miserable by whining or I could choose to be happy anyhow.

Long story short, I stayed positive and he realized it wasn’t a great idea. We packed up and headed to a quaint little hotel a few miles away – more in love than ever.

Ask most people what makes a marriage endure and you’ll undoubtedly hear something about love. But ask anyone who has dedicated themselves to study and research of the topic and you’ll hear a different answer: A good, enduring marriage is built by two people’s capacity to adjust to bad things. It’s true. Every marriage, no matter how good, eventually bumps into bad things – whether it’s bad weather, financial problems, illness or whatever. And it’s a couple’s capacity to adjust to circumstances beyond their control that will make or break their union.

How well do the two of you adjust to difficult circumstances? As you read this biblical passage, consider its application to your future marriage and how the two of you will muster the resiliency to adjust to tough times.

from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:2-6(NLT)

Of all the little expressions of love — a box of chocolates, a hand-written poem, or a bouquet of hand-picked wild flowers — I think my favorite is a good old fashioned kiss. Whether it be the gratuitous kind that comes with greeting my husband after a day at work or the surprising ambush kiss while standing in line at the grocery, I always feel especially loved when Les gives me a simple kiss.

Did you know the word kiss comes from a syllable that is believed to be the sound of kissing? However it originated and whoever named it really doesn’t matter to me. I just know I like it. And why shouldn’t I? Kisses, according to a Danish saying, are the messengers of love.

Holding hands is another favorite. It communicates affection, protection and comfort. Science has even shown that simple handholding blunts the brain’s response to threats of physical pain (as any couple can attest to who is walking through a hospital ordeal together).

Perhaps the loudest statement handholding makes is to others. It communicates more clearly than nearly anything else that you are a couple. Whether it is the simple grasp or the more intimate interlocking of fingers, holding hands is a great expression of love that keeps couples bonded.

Holding hands and kissing may be the most important words you don’t speak all day as a couple. They are key to cultivating passion and intimacy. Of course, at this stage of your relationship you’re not even worried about it. But project your relationship 10 or 20 years into the future. What can you be doing now to ensure that your love life is alive and well then? How does this Bible passage speak to your plans in this area?

from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott

‘For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. They will reject the truth and chase after myths.’ 2 Timothy 4:3-4(NLT)

A young bride-to-be was very nervous on the day before her wedding, so she spoke with her minister. “I’m afraid I might not make it through the ceremony properly,” she confessed.

The minister assured her that everything would be fine: “When you enter the church tomorrow and the processional begins, you will be walking down the same aisle you’ve walked many times before. Concentrate on that aisle. When you get halfway down the aisle, you’ll see the altar, where you and your family have worshiped for many years. Concentrate on that altar. Then, when you’re almost to the altar, you will see your groom, the one you love. Concentrate on him.”

The bride was relieved, and left to prepare for her big moment. The next day, she walked down the aisle with her chin up and eyes bright—a beautiful, confident bride. But those along the center were a bit surprised to hear her muttering over and over: “Aisle, altar, him. Aisle, altar, him.”

They heard: “I’ll alter him.”

This unintended mantra may not have been conscious for this new bride, but an outright expectation for some. In fact, on most Saturdays, you’ll find us in a church somewhere in the country giving a marriage seminar. And soon into the start of the day we often pose a task to the couples in the crowd: name one common myth of marriage. Inevitably, someone will say something along the lines of: “I’ll change him after we marry.” It’s a common notion – but an obvious falsehood.

We can’t change our spouse. A person has to want to change if they are to make true and lasting modifications to the way they behave. What we can change, however, is ourselves. That’s why we pose this question for you to discuss with each other: What’s one thing you’d like to change about you that would make you a better marriage partner? And how does this biblical passage speak to your answer?

from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott