Tag: Rooting Out Relationship Killers

‘“So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.’ Matthew 5:23-24(NLT)

None of us like conflict but in the world of relationships, conflict is unavoidable. Our uniqueness guarantees it. We each have individual temperaments, personalities, upbringings, experiences, gifts, abilities and passions in life. Those differences give color to life and enrich our relationships, but are also what create the potential for conflict.

We don’t, therefore, aspire to never have conflict, but to manage it when it occurs. The big decision we have is not to ignore it, because ignoring conflict is a dangerous weed in any relationship soil.

How we handle conflict makes a statement about how much the relationship means to us. And if it really matters, we will be resolute about resolving it.

We also have to remember that relationships are enhanced through conflict. By working through our differences we deepen our understanding and appreciation of each other. It is a totally positive, relationship building exercise if approached properly.

Conflict resolution is a life-skill to learn and apply like a feed to the soil of your relationships. Its elements include:

Recognizing your differences. Take account of your differing personalities, approach to life and backgrounds. Affirm one another as unique expressions of God’s creative love.

Being prepared to change. The Bible says, “A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance.” (Proverbs 28:13 TLB)

Listening before you speak. Listen to one another intently. As the Bible says, “Be quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19). Listen to the attitude, motivation and heart behind the words.

Laughing at yourself. Maintain a sense of humor. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Humor relieves the tension.

Being honest. Express your genuine views, heartfelt opinions and real expectations. Be honest about the good and the bad.

Speaking the truth in love. Then when you do speak, be sure your words are constructive. As God’s word exhorts us, “Speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). Be honest, yet loving to the core.

Facing the issue together. Most conflict resolutions require both parties to contribute to the solution. You must therefore face the issue together. It is not your problem, it is our problem. Tackle it together and it will strengthen your relationship.

Re-centering your relationship. Finally, step back and set the issue in its bigger context. Re-center your relationship as Christ-followers and recommit to doing things God’s way.

Let today’s devotional provoke you to take the first step towards resolving any outstanding conflict today.

from Rooting Out Relationship Killers by Stephen Matthew

‘Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul.’ Proverbs 22:24-25(NLT)

Complementary planting is fascinating. Simply put, some plants benefit from having certain other plants next to them. People who grow the best tomatoes grow French marigolds alongside them, because the scent of the marigolds repels certain insects, acting as a natural form of pest control.

It’s the same with relationships. The people we grow alongside have a direct effect on our healthy growth, so we need to be doing some conscious “complementary planting” in our relational world.

Some people are good company and positively enrich our relational world, whilst others are bad company and hinder our relational development. The Bible is clear: bad company does corrupt good character (Corinthians 15:33) and iron does sharpen iron (Proverbs 27:17). As you will read today, if you spend time with an angry person, you will become like them (Proverbs 22:24-25). The company we keep is, therefore, like the host of other plants in the soil of our relationships. Some will do us good, others harm.

Bad company is a weed that if left unchecked will grow and seriously hinder your relationship development with others. Whereas good company is a positive feed, so needs to be encouraged as a form of complementary planting in the garden of your relationships.

Please note, I am dealing here with good and bad “company” not good and bad “people”. The fact is, good people can be bad company. People who are essentially good, God-loving, friendly, positive and helpful can actually be bad company in a specific situation.

You can be in a specific relationship – business, marriage, church, friendship or family – and an essentially good person can have a negative effect upon it. The good person is bad company. They are like a weed in the soil of that particular relationship, whereas others are like an enriching feed

This principle is about being discerning not judgmental. For example:

Your best, still-single buddy has little to offer when you need advice about how to navigate the challenges of early-married life.

The sole trader plumber has no concept of the challenges faced by the CEO of a manufacturing company employing 3000 people, so has limited wisdom to offer.

Parents navigating the teenage years are unlikely to be helped by lifelong friends who have never had children themselves.

So, if you spot a relationship suffering because of a person’s inappropriate influence, deal with it in love and do some complementary planting by reaching out to others who are ideally placed to stand alongside you in the current season.

Make a deliberate decision to be with people whose words and attitudes draw you closer to each other and the vision you have for your relationship. Find company that is good for the relationship and nourishes it’s health. Do things with them, cheer each other on and be there for each other in the tough times.

Get busy doing some complementary planting because, by so doing, you are proactively feeding your relationships and ensuring their healthy growth.

from Rooting Out Relationship Killers by Stephen Matthew

‘Darius the Mede decided to divide the kingdom into 120 provinces, and he appointed a high officer to rule over each province. The king also chose Daniel and two others as administrators to supervise the high officers and protect the king’s interests. Daniel soon proved himself more capable than all the other administrators and high officers. Because of Daniel’s great ability, the king made plans to place him over the entire empire. Then the other administrators and high officers began searching for some fault in the way Daniel was handling government affairs, but they couldn’t find anything to criticize or condemn. He was faithful, always responsible, and completely trustworthy. ‘ Daniel 6:1-4(NLT)

Trust is relationship glue. The depth and strength of a relationship is inextricably linked to the trust between the people in it. As trust builds, so does the relationship. As trust declines, so does the relationship.

That’s why Jesus modeled transparent honesty in all his relationships and encouraged us to do the same by letting “our yes be yes and our no be no” (Matthew 5:37).

We enter every relationship with a measure of mistrust but gradually, as we get to know each other better, mistrust is replaced by trust and it establishes itself at a level appropriate for the relationship. Trust can take a long time to build, especially if we have been let down by people before. We must, therefore, be ruthless with the smallest weed of mistrust that pops up in our relationship soil.

Every small lie, little deception or half-truth is a little weed of mistrust. And their roots quickly spread and become more entangled if allowed them to continue unchecked. So root them out!

The weed of mistrust has only one remedy: the feed called “being trustworthy”. And that can take a long time. So we sometimes reach for other much-needed relationship feeds to tackle it, but without success. None are able to deal with the weed of mistrust like being trustworthy. Let me explain…

It is not a “promise” issue. The answer to mistrust is not found in promising, “I will never to do it again” or “You can trust me from now on.” The only answer is to BE trustworthy over a protracted period of time. Words are meaningless when trust is eroded. The fact is, what was lost in a series of half-truths, lies or deception always takes much longer to repair than it took to cause the damage.

It is not a “love” issue. It is no good saying, “If you really loved me you would trust me again.” That will never remove the weed of mistrust. We all love people we do not trust – like our children for example! We love them, but don’t always trust their judgment or ability to handle certain tasks etc. It is, in fact, foolish to trust a person who does not deserve to be trusted. You can still love your partner, but not trust them in certain things. Only as they demonstrate trustworthiness over time will that be recovered.

It is not a “forgiveness” issue. “If you had really forgiven me, you would trust me again,” many a guilty party has protested. But this is also faulty thinking. Forgiveness does not immediately take the relationship back to where it once was. A willingness to forgive is crucial to the health of any relationship. But just as you can love someone and still not completely trust them, so you can forgive a person and not trust them. And again, it would be folly to do so. The only true remedy for mistrust is to BE trustworthy.

Like Daniel in today’s reading, get yourself a reputation for being totally trustworthy and the weed of mistrust will never choke your relationship soil again.

from Rooting Out Relationship Killers by Stephen Matthew

‘Because I love Zion, I will not keep still. Because my heart yearns for Jerusalem, I cannot remain silent. I will not stop praying for her until her righteousness shines like the dawn, and her salvation blazes like a burning torch. The nations will see your righteousness. World leaders will be blinded by your glory. And you will be given a new name by the Lord ’s own mouth. The Lord will hold you in his hand for all to see— a splendid crown in the hand of God. Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City” or “The Desolate Land.” Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight” and “The Bride of God,” for the Lord delights in you and will claim you as his bride. Your children will commit themselves to you, O Jerusalem, just as a young man commits himself to his bride. Then God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride. O Jerusalem, I have posted watchmen on your walls; they will pray day and night, continually. Take no rest, all you who pray to the Lord . Give the Lord no rest until he completes his work, until he makes Jerusalem the pride of the earth.’ Isaiah 62:1-7(NLT)

Silence is the lowest form of communication.

Some would say that to call silence communication is a contradiction in terms. But we all know that in a relationship context, the silence is usually saying something. You know how it goes. The silence is screaming at you, “There is something wrong,” so you ask, “What’s wrong?” only to be told, “Nothing!”

What comes next is where the relationship weed of silence begins to kill the relationship. In the void created by the silence, conspiracy theories are incubated, fear takes root and insecurities deepen. You think you know what’s wrong, but you may not be right and in the silence, your wrong conclusions fester, grow and slowly choke the relationship. That’s why we must never let the weed of silence take root in our relationship soil.

Good communication is a relationship feed that must be added consistently to the soil of your relationships. Communication is the “process of sharing information with another person in such a way that they understand what you are saying”. That process involves speaking, listening, body language, expressions and touch, but always with the aim of being properly understood.

It has been observed that when people communicate there are at least six messages that come through. There is:

1. What you mean to say

2. What you actually say

3. What the other person hears

4. What the other person thinks they hear

5. What the other person says about what you said

6. What you think the other person said about what you said

No wonder we misunderstand each other sometimes! But this shows just how important it is that we work on our communication to ensure it is clear.

To this, add the fact that some of us have simply never learned how to talk or open up to other people. Others are fearful of exposing what they think or feel for fear of being hurt or rejected. Some even have such a low self-image that they don’t believe they have anything to offer, so stay silent.

All this takes work to overcome – the work of feeding your relationship soil with the wonderful nutrient of good communication. Ultimately, your relationship will only ever be as deep as your willingness to communicate with absolute openness.

So, ensure your communication is:

CLEAR: Use clear language; ask questions to clarify things and allow time for each other to process the words spoken. Never use hints, as they are easily misunderstood or missed altogether. Say what you mean and work hard to say it in the way you want it to be received.

CONTROLLED: You will never communicate properly when emotions are out of control. So pick your moment. Create space to talk when you are calm, there is time to explain things properly and when things have less chance of coming across wrongly.

CONSTRUCTIVE: Communicate positively by focusing on the good things about the other person. Don’t focus on the negative qualities but be constructive, even if you are dealing with a negative situation. Your tongue has “the power of life or death” according to Proverbs 18:21, so use it to bring life to your relationships.

Be bold and declare like Isaiah in our reading, “I will not be silent!”

from Rooting Out Relationship Killers by Stephen Matthew

‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin. And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord ’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.” As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all. Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong.
A Call to Listen to God
Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. ‘ Hebrews 12:1-15(NLT)

Today’s reading emphasizes the fact that we are all in a process of learning, growing and changing. God works with us, like a good father, but we must “make every effort” to ensure we are working through past issues and fully embracing our new life in Christ. And one very important reason for doing this is to enrich our relationships.

We all have mental, emotional, spiritual and relational scars from our life before Christ, whether we like to admit it or not. And we bring any such wounds from the past into every new relationship we start, unless we’ve completed a process of recovery and healing. Left unattended, old hurts, grudges, attitudes and patterns of dealing with certain issues will eventually reappear – just like a little weed – and they will choke the new relationship. It is the weed of past wounds.

If you are determined not to let your past mess up your future, you will get busy and root out this troublesome weed. In addition, because you see a positive future for the relationship, you will also enrich its relational soil with a “feed” designed to keep this weed at bay. That feed is a commitment to personal health and wholeness.

The greatest gift I bring to any relationship is a healthy me, which means understanding what a healthy me looks like and taking steps to become it.

Healthy people…

Are easy to talk to. They don’t bully, threaten or intimidate people. They don’t get defensive, lash out in anger or clam up creating uncomfortable silences.

Are secure. They don’t need constant assurance. They don’t manipulate people emotionally, sexually or financially to get the assurance they crave.

Get help when they need it. They are not too proud to admit they don’t know what to do in a situation or ask for help. They are teachable and wisdom is eagerly sought from those with more experience about their situation.

Respect themselves. They value their God-given abilities, body, personality and make up. They do not harm themselves, damage their bodies or try to escape from themselves through alcohol, drugs or other mind-altering substances. They have learned to love the way God has made them.

Respect others. They don’t demand you become like them, but appreciate your uniqueness and celebrate it. They are happy when you do better than them. They encourage and cheer you on, and take appropriate pleasure in the privilege of being your friend or partner.

Are open. They are not a closed book, hard to understand or emotionally detached from those closest to them. They are open and honest about their mistakes, the lessons they have learned from them, and happy to help others not make the same ones.

Are balanced. They avoid emotional, spiritual and physical extremes because they have learned how to maintain an appropriate friends-family-work-leisure-church-private life balance.

Remember that this is a commitment to work on you – not the other person! Let your attitude be: Because I love you, I will be the best I can for you, and get the help I need when I need it. In this way, you deal with the weed of past wounds and ensure your relationship soil remains healthy.

from Rooting Out Relationship Killers by Stephen Matthew

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12(NLT)

At the center of every healthy relationship is a presupposition that we will do things together.

Marriage is a journey of togetherness and shared lives. Church is fundamentally all about relationships and community life. Friendships are wonderful because of the things we do and share together. At the core of every healthy relationship is togetherness, teamwork and shared life. In a word, they are a partnership.

But over time, people and relationships change. Initial intentions can get lost in the busyness of the developing relationship and personal agendas can shift. It becomes all too easy to simply forget that this relationship is actually a partnership and to start making independent decisions.

When this happens, it is like a small weed taking root in the fertile soil of the relationship. Once that weed called independence starts to grow, there will be trouble ahead! That’s because independence is an attitude that fundamentally works against the relationship. It takes unilateral decisions without considering their impact on the relationship and thus, slowly chokes it.

Independent attitudes in any relationship must be spotted early and addressed by doing some relationship weeding. If you see the weed in yourself, root it out. And if you see it in your partner, have the courage to sensitively talk about it while it is small. In this way you prevent little weeds becoming established plants that can undermine your relationship.

It is better, however, to never let independence take root on the first place. You do this by having a personal commitment to partnership; an attitude that works like a nutritional feed in your relationship soil. It simply means having a commitment to the bigger reason you entered the relationship in the first place, other than your personal desires.

The fact is, two people can be married, live under the same roof, share finances and a common surname but not be true partners if independence takes root. As time passes their independent choices slowly pull them apart until, one day, the bond is severed – a tragedy that could have been avoided by keeping their commitment to partnership alive.

In a healthy partnership, it is not all about “me” and it is not all about “you”. It’s not my money it is our money. These are not my children they are our children. It is our house, our car, our holiday, our church … you get my point!

Your commitment to partnership means you will always consider the other person, because the shared goal is greater than the personal one. That’s why you are in this relationship.

So, if the weed of independence begins to spring up, pull it out fast. But more importantly, keep it at bay by feeding your relationships with a regular dose of affirming your commitment to partnership. As our reading says, “Two are better than one.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9)

from Rooting Out Relationship Killers by Stephen Matthew

‘He told many stories in the form of parables, such as this one: “Listen! A farmer went out to plant some seeds. As he scattered them across his field, some seeds fell on a footpath, and the birds came and ate them. Other seeds fell on shallow soil with underlying rock. The seeds sprouted quickly because the soil was shallow. But the plants soon wilted under the hot sun, and since they didn’t have deep roots, they died. Other seeds fell among thorns that grew up and choked out the tender plants. Still other seeds fell on fertile soil, and they produced a crop that was thirty, sixty, and even a hundred times as much as had been planted! Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.” His disciples came and asked him, “Why do you use parables when you talk to the people?” He replied, “You are permitted to understand the secrets of the Kingdom of Heaven, but others are not. To those who listen to my teaching, more understanding will be given, and they will have an abundance of knowledge. But for those who are not listening, even what little understanding they have will be taken away from them. That is why I use these parables, For they look, but they don’t really see. They hear, but they don’t really listen or understand. This fulfills the prophecy of Isaiah that says, ‘When you hear what I say, you will not understand. When you see what I do, you will not comprehend. For the hearts of these people are hardened, and their ears cannot hear, and they have closed their eyes— so their eyes cannot see, and their ears cannot hear, and their hearts cannot understand, and they cannot turn to me and let me heal them.’ “But blessed are your eyes, because they see; and your ears, because they hear. I tell you the truth, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, but they didn’t see it. And they longed to hear what you hear, but they didn’t hear it. “Now listen to the explanation of the parable about the farmer planting seeds: The seed that fell on the footpath represents those who hear the message about the Kingdom and don’t understand it. Then the evil one comes and snatches away the seed that was planted in their hearts. The seed on the rocky soil represents those who hear the message and immediately receive it with joy. But since they don’t have deep roots, they don’t last long. They fall away as soon as they have problems or are persecuted for believing God’s word. The seed that fell among the thorns represents those who hear God’s word, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life and the lure of wealth, so no fruit is produced. The seed that fell on good soil represents those who truly hear and understand God’s word and produce a harvest of thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times as much as had been planted!”’ Matthew 13:3-23(NLT)

In our reading Jesus tells of a farmer who decided to sow seed across his land, which included soil of varying fertility, illustrating the point that the success of any seed depends entirely on the ground it lands in. The seed has life in itself – all it needs is the correct growing conditions.

Jesus describes the seed as being “the message about the kingdom” (v19). The kingdom of God is found where God is actively ruling and the seed therefore represents any message that teaches us how to live the King’s way.

There is a lot of relationship “seed” in the Bible that we have to receive like the fertile soil. It teaches us how to conduct every relationship we have.

Today’s first challenge is to explore the Bible and discover what God has to say about each specific relationship we currently have, then secondly to commit to conducting them His way. Doing this is us allowing kingdom seed to take root in the relationship soil of our lives; choosing to be like the fertile ground in our reading, rather than the hard or rocky soil.

Your resolve, then, is to be like the fertile soil in this parable.

Now let me explain one more thing that emerges from it.

The problem with fertile soil is that everything grows in it. While we concentrate on nurturing the good seed we planted, weeds always seem to emerge alongside. We don’t always know how they got there, but we do know they need to be pulled up as soon as they are spotted because, as Jesus says, they will “choke it, making it unfruitful” (v22). Relationships only thrive if they are both carefully nurtured and kept weed free.

One small weed, left unattended for long enough can become so large and influential that other plants suffer. Similarly, if we allow the little “weeds” of poor relationship habits, attitudes or practices go unattended, they will choke and potentially kill a healthy relationship you value.

On the remaining days of this devotional we will be looking out for little “weeds” in our fertile relationship soil and learning how to deal with them quickly, as well as exploring how to enrich our soil with healthy “relationship feed”.

Before entering full time Christian Ministry I was a building surveyor and have often seen walls, drains and even whole buildings undermined by a large root that was simply left unattended for many years. That root started as a little weed that was left unattended. Relationship weeds can be just as destructive if not removed early on. That’s why it is so important we learn to be expert relationship gardeners!

from Rooting Out Relationship Killers by Stephen Matthew