Tag: Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

‘You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him. ‘ Ephesians 5:5-6(NLT)

‘But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ‘ Matthew 5:28(NLT)

‘You must worship no other gods, for the Lord , whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you.’ Exodus 34:14(NLT)

There are few things as damaging as infidelity. It has destroyed marriages. It has caused parents to lose their children, pastors to lose their churches, and politicians to lose their jobs. While not impossible to recover from, the road back is long and painful. 

As serious as it is, Paul’s statement in Ephesians 5:5-6 makes it clear that the consequences of sexual immorality are greater than we might think. He says those who are sexually immoral will not inherit the Kingdom of God. That is serious language. In our post-sexual revolution age, it may be hard to believe that God would actually deny us heaven because of a little sexual indiscretion, yet Paul makes it clear that He would: “Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.”

Sexual immorality is serious to God and more complex than we might think. 

Those who are willing to risk everything in sexual sin can do so only after they have elevated the object of their desire higher than everything else–their spouse, their children, their careers, even God. In essence, their sexual desire becomes their idol, their god. This is why infidelity is so dangerous. 

God is a jealous God. He doesn’t want any desire to be elevated above our desire for Him. 

When Eve saw the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, she “… saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise …” (Genesis 3:6). She wanted it so badly that she didn’t care about the consequences. In that moment, fruit became more important to her than her husband, her relationship with God, and even her very life. 

Instead of taking her desires to God and letting Him fill them, she tried to fulfill her desires herself. We do the same thing all the time.  

Most affairs aren’t birthed out of a physical desire, but out of a longing for appreciation, respect, acceptance, or the desire to be pursued. Instead of taking these desires to God, we look for ways to satisfy them ourselves. The good news is that God can satisfy all of these longings if we let Him. He also has granted us a pure and holy outlet for sexual fulfillment within marriage. 

If you feel temptation beginning to brew inside you, recognize it as an idol attempting to be born, and bring it to God in prayer.

Pray: Lord, I know Your Word says that You are a jealous God. Examine my heart and help me to find my satisfaction in You alone. Help me to eradicate any idol that seeks to take Your place in my life. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

‘Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. ‘ Ephesians 5:4(NLT)

‘Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:18(NLT)

‘And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.’ Colossians 3:17(NLT)

‘Praise the Lord ! Give thanks to the Lord , for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.’ Psalms 106:1(NLT)

I had fully intended on clearing the sink of dishes, but after washing the two big pans I got distracted. Later that evening, lying in bed, my wife turned to me and said, “About the dishes …”

Uh oh, I thought. I completely forgot to finish them! My mind immediately began to race. What had I been doing? Why had I gotten distracted? I needed to come up with an excuse—fast.

I had just begun to form my defense when she said, “Thank you for scrubbing the big ones. They’re heavy, and I really appreciated you taking care of them.”

My mouth opened, but no words came out.

In marriage, a spirit of thanksgiving can make a huge difference. What you focus on most is what you’ll notice most. 

If you give thanks for your spouse’s efforts at provision, then you begin to notice efforts at provision that you once overlooked. If you give thanks for your spouse’s efforts at cleaning, you begin to notice examples that you never saw before. 

Focusing on the negative can have the opposite effect. The more we complain, the more evidence we find to justify our complaints. This breeds disappointment and bitterness and often spills out in the form of crude jokes, curses, insults, and sarcasm. 

Unfortunately, it is not always easy to focus on the positive.

My wife and I have different ways of viewing time. To me, 15 minutes early is on time. To her, two or three minutes late is no big deal. This has caused much friction in our marriage over the years. 

One day, as I was sitting in my car fuming because she wasn’t ready, I realized I should shift my focus. I began praying for my wife and thanking God for making her the perfect companion for me. As I did, I began to realize why she is usually late. God gifted her with a deep desire to take care of the needs of others. While I was sitting in my car judging her, she was preparing a bag with snacks she thought I might appreciate later that afternoon. 

On my own, I would have never realized this. But by tapping into God’s mysterious power, I was able to appreciate her thoughtfulness. 

Next time you find yourself wanting to complain about your spouse, try thanking God for your spouse instead. You may be surprised by what you notice next.

Pray: Lord, I confess that I am often faster to complain than I am to thank. Help me to appreciate my spouse as Your perfect gift to me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

‘Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. ‘ Ephesians 5:3(NLT)

‘But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ‘ Matthew 5:28(NLT)

‘Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory. So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. ‘ Colossians 3:2-5(NLT)

My surgery was relatively minor. But I was surprised by the number of medical personnel in the room and the complexity of the equipment. 

There are many factors which determine if surgery will be successful or not. It takes careful planning, execution, a sterile environment, and good follow-up care. Yet even with the most diligent and skilled teams at work, post-operative complications can occur. One of the most dangerous is an infection.

When the doctors were done, they explained how a single wayward bacteria could take root and wreak havoc. They explained how my bandages would protect me if I kept them clean. They didn’t want a hint of bacteria anywhere near my wound.

The apostle Paul may not have known about bacteria, but he understood how easy it is for sexual sin to take root in our lives. He warned against even a whisper of sexual immorality. This goes far beyond the idea of simply not committing adultery. It actually starts with guarding our minds. 

Many Christians are much more careful about what they do than about what they think. Some bring a pornography habit into their marriages, wrongly believing that thoughts can be compartmentalized—that they can look at pornography without any effect on their minds or relationships. Others don’t think twice about watching sexually-charged reality television shows or movies. Yet each image, each storyline, is like rubbing bacteria into an open wound.

We don’t need to have a physical affair to cheat on our spouse. Jesus said, “… everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

As our culture has become more sexually permissive, maintaining one’s purity has become more difficult. I have learned there are certain mainstream shows I cannot allow myself to watch and certain channels I cannot allow myself to have on my cable lineup. A single image or scene can easily affect my mind if I’m not careful.

With all the sexually charged images around us, it can be tempting to lower our standards, but the stakes are too high to ignore. 

Sexual impurity interferes with marital intimacy. It wastes your time teaching you what the person on the screen finds pleasurable, instead of encouraging you to spend that time and energy getting to know your spouse better. Before you know it, you wind up wanting the fantasy more than your reality. 

Like the doctors protecting their patient from a life-threatening infection, we must put in place as many barriers as it takes to ensure our marriages stay pure.

Pray: Lord, I want my marriage to be as pure as it can be. I confess that I have not always protected it from invasive sexual images and thoughts. Help me to safeguard the purity of our marriage so that it can be glorifying to You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

‘Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.’ Ephesians 5:1-2(NLT)

When my son was younger, he loved to follow me around and mimic my every move. He was especially interested in the way I romanced his mother. He listened to me tell stories about how we met, watched as we interacted, and whenever I hugged her, he was right there trying to wiggle in between us.

I didn’t realize how closely he had been paying attention until one spring afternoon when my then 5-year-old boy walked into the kitchen with his hands hiding behind his back. He marched up to his mother, dropped to one knee, presented a big red tulip he had just cut from our garden, and asked her to marry him.

It was adorable. I knew right then that he’d make some girl very happy one day.

When Paul told the Ephesian church to be imitators of God as beloved children, this is the picture that comes to my mind. One of a son, eyes fixed on his father, learning and watching his every move.

My son took time to follow and study me. He stayed close. He learned how I operated, and when the time was right, he stepped out and followed my example. 

To be an imitator of God, we need to do the same. We need to study His Word. We need to stay close to Him through prayer. When we do, we learn how He operates. Then we can step out in faith and try to follow His example. 

Everything Christ did was driven by His love for the Father and His love for us. His love was pure and sacrificial. And like the tulip in my son’s hands, it gave off a lovely fragrance. The closer we get to Jesus, the easier it will be for His ways to rub off on us.

If someone were to look at your marriage, would they be able to see Christ’s influence? Could the fragrance of your marriage be described as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God, or would the description be less pleasant?

This study is a good start. Read Ephesians 1-2 with your spouse, and take turns describing the fragrance of your marriage. How are you currently imitating God in your marriage? In what ways could you improve? 

When you are finished discussing this, take a moment and pray together.

Pray: 

Heavenly Father, we want our home to be filled with the fragrance of Your love. Draw us closer to Your side, and fill us with Your Holy Spirit. Show me how I can give more of myself to my spouse. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

‘But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”’ Mark 11:25(NLT)

‘But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.’ Matthew 6:15(NLT)

The first fight I can remember with my wife was over a misplaced pair of tickets to a New York Mets baseball game. I’m generally the more forgetful member of the family, so it shouldn’t have come as a shock to me that my wife would accuse me of misplacing them. But this time I wasn’t having it. I felt disrespected, and my normally easygoing manner went into hiding along with the tickets.

“What? Is your memory perfect?” I said. “How do you know that you didn’t lose them? Why do you assume that this is my fault?” 

Before long, the fun afternoon we had planned began to unravel. 

Marriage can be wonderful, but when two flawed individuals commit to a lifetime together, it will get messy. How we respond to those moments will make all the difference.

In Ephesians, Paul was speaking to a group of people who had come to realize that their best efforts to please God were not good enough. They understood their sinfulness had earned them a ticket to hell, but God loved them enough to send Jesus to absorb the penalty for that sin. When they accepted Jesus’ sacrifice on their behalf and allowed Him to be in charge of their lives, they were forgiven. He wanted them to remember what God had done for them, because forgiven people forgive people.

If we can understand the depths of forgiveness that God has offered us, and accept that gift, then it becomes much easier to forgive others and live with tenderheartedness.

After a frantic search around the house, we eventually found the tickets. As it turned out, I was the one who had misplaced them! At that point, my wife had a choice. She could let our fight ruin the afternoon, or she could remember the forgiveness that Christ had given her and offer that same forgiveness to me. She chose the latter.

How she was able to just let it go was a mystery to me, but she did. I don’t remember who won the game that day, but I do remember this: On that day, we both won.

Pray:

Jesus, thank You for Your forgiveness. I know I don’t deserve it. Please help me to see my spouse through the lens of Your sacrifice and be kind, forgiving, and tenderhearted. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ‘ Colossians 3:12(NLT)

‘Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith.’ Galatians 6:10(NLT)

‘When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.’ Proverbs 31:26(NLT)

We had been planning the day for over a year, but nothing could have prepared me for the moment I heard the sound of trumpeters echoing through the old marble-lined church. The time had come. There would be no more planning.

After what felt like an eternity, the church doors opened, and my love began to walk slowly down the aisle, eyes locked on mine. 

“I Do.” No two words have ever held so much hope and promise. 

When we married, we imagined the kind of life described in Ephesians 4:32. A life filled with kindness and tenderness. While that has been true for the most part, some days have been far more tender than others.

Our good intentions and willpower can only take us so far. Eventually, as life’s stressors pile on and the newness of marriage wears off, our natural selfishness begins to emerge. Slowly we begin to realize the person we married isn’t as perfect as we once thought, and neither are we.

So how can kindness and tenderness be sustained when the time is short, and the stress is high?

Based on our own strength, it is impossible. Yet somehow, God offers us the power to do that which we could never do on our own. Through Christ, we can learn to see our spouse differently. Flaws which once garnered wrath can fuel compassion. A marriage which once was only about us and our happiness can be used to impact thousands. 

It is a profound mystery, but through Christ, the impossible can become possible. 

Over the next 15 days, we will study each verse in the fifth chapter of Ephesians to see how it applies to marriage. As we do, I encourage you to look first at what the Scriptures say about you and your relationship with God. After you have spent some time with God in prayer, discuss what He has revealed to you with your spouse.

As your relationship with God deepens, His tenderheartedness will become more evident. 

Pray: 

Dear God, when we first married, it was easy to imagine a life filled with tenderness. I confess that I have not lived up to my own expectations. My words and deeds have, at times, been selfish and unkind. Please forgive me. Show me through this series how to replace my flawed version of love with Yours. Help me to embrace the mystery of all that our marriage can be. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

from Profound Mystery: Marriage Lessons from Ephesians