Tag: Our Keys to Healthier Communication in Marriage

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

David: Sometimes the argument is over, but the feelings remain. Other times the memory of a harsh word replays in your mind long after the argument has ended. But if you allow your argument to endure for too long, then unforgiveness will ruin your relationship. Tam and I have decided to just L-I-G – let it go. It does not diminish my feelings or hers, but my decision to let it go frees me from my own self-induced prison. I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want is to look at my spouse and only see the pain I caused. I don’t want to become the object of her deepest pain. 

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is always worth it. Remember, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each another, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NIV). It’s impossible to have a successful relationship if you don’t forgive. If you’re willing to extend the same grace that God has extended to you, your marriage will flourish. 

ACTIVITY: FIVE RULES FOR FIGHTING

Come up with five rules to implement whenever you argue. These rules will help to make sure that one bad moment doesn’t turn into a miserable marriage. For example: When we argue, I will not cut you off while you are speaking.

from Our Keys to Healthier Communication in Marriage by David & Tamela Mann

‘God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.’ Matthew 5:9(NLT)

David: When an issue becomes too difficult for you and your spouse to manage together, it may be time to call on an objective third party to help you figure things out. Every once in a while, all of us can benefit from a mediator that we trust to step in and provide wise counsel. This ensures that both parties are heard and a resolve can be achieved. There is nothing wrong with going to a counselor. There is nothing wrong with confiding in your pastor or your spiritual leader. God has anointed individuals to help you work through your problems when you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is God’s will that your marriage prospers, and you must know that God is faithful to send help in the time of need. 

Tamela and I have always encouraged our friends and family members to seek counseling. We have often reached out to others that we trust (our pastor and trusted friends) to help us with difficult issues in our marriage. The key for me was to constantly tell myself, and to communicate to Tam: We can get through this. It’s only a rough patch. I’m not going to give up on you, and my desire is to strengthen our marriage by any means necessary. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1.  Is it time to seek counseling?

2.  If yes, make a list of a couple trusted and or referred counselors and interview them so you both agree on a choice.

from Our Keys to Healthier Communication in Marriage by David & Tamela Mann

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, ‘ Ephesians 4:26(NLT)

Tam: The Bible encourages us with these words: “Do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). That’s one of the Scriptures that David and I turn to frequently when we are engaged in a heated argument. In every marriage this may mean something different. Some people can’t talk when they are fuming. Some people need time to hit the reset button before they try to resolve things peaceably. But David and I have decided that, at some point in the conversation, we will agree to disagree for the moment, but we will continue in the morning. I don’t want my husband to feel punished for a lifetime simply because we had one disagreement. 

How often has one negative word or one misunderstood comment ruined an entire day? To me, it’s not worth it. I love my husband. And I know he loves me. So I try my best not to go to bed angry at him. Even if I don’t want to cuddle and kiss, I can at least say, “Goodnight, Daddy. I love you.” 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1.  Where and when do you argue?

2.  Have you designated an action plan for having tough conversations? Discuss with each other.

from Our Keys to Healthier Communication in Marriage by David & Tamela Mann

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

David: When Tam and I first got married, we both agreed that, for us, divorce would not be an option. We committed to staying together through it all and sticking with each other during the difficult moments. We clearly understand that some marriages end in divorce, but we also understand that every disagreement does not have to result in divorce. 

I never liked the idea of using divorce as an ultimatum during an argument. In my opinion, that isn’t healthy. Ultimatums produce fear. Ultimatums can compromise your ability to be honest with one another. Our argument was about tuna – it wasn’t about filing for divorce – but when we make our arguments more important than the marriage, we forget why we got married in the first place. 

A bad day doesn’t mean a bad marriage. All marriages have bad days. So I’ve learned to say, “Yes, Tam, this or that bothered me, but I’m not leaving you.” 

“Yes, you hurt my feelings, but we are in this together.” 

“Yes, I may need a minute to get myself together, but I’m not going to allow the Enemy to make you think I don’t love you.” 

My marriage is more important than winning an argument, so after we resolve the issue, I work hard to secure my spouse. Why? Because one bad day doesn’t have to turn into a bad life. 

DISCUSSION QUESTION

1.  Ask  yourself, how can I work with this issue to figure out how to make myself and my spouse happy?

from Our Keys to Healthier Communication in Marriage by David & Tamela Mann

‘A hot-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stops them.’ Proverbs 15:18(NLT)

Tam: When the water starts boiling, I’ve learned to back away and take a break. In preschool, they call it “taking a time-out.” When a child is misbehaving or a conflict gets to an uncontrollable point, the teacher invites the child to time-out. The goal is to breathe, collect themselves, and approach the situation differently. 

In our marriage, I’ve learned the importance of time-outs. Some days I just need to go shopping. Some days, David needs to go swimming. After we take time to breathe and think about how we are truly feeling, we can continue the conversation and grow from the disagreement. 

My momma used to say, “It’s not always what you say – it’s how you say it.” When I take a time-out, I can replay the scenario in my mind and ask myself what I could’ve done differently. I can pray for David to better understand how I am feeling and ask God to give me the right words so that I am not doing more harm than good. 

A time-out from your heated argument is like a commercial break—you know the show is going to come back on, but you have time to grab a snack and come on back. When we didn’t take time-outs in the past, our arguments went on and on. We didn’t have a clear perspective on what the other person was feeling. But by removing ourselves from the situation for a moment, we can approach it differently when we reconnect.

David: Tam is a yeller. She uses her voice to get her point across, and when she doesn’t think she is being heard, she will yell louder. I am a thinker, so I use my mind to argue with words, expressions, and concepts that may feel like a piercing weapon to my wife. The tools God gave us to build us up are also the weapons that destroy us when we don’t argue the right way. Tam’s voice is her tool. My communication skills are a tool. If I want to be successful in my marriage, I’ve got to learn to never turn my tool into a weapon. 

These are things we now know about each other. But taking a break to breathe has helped us not to major on a minor. Sometimes words get lost in anger. Sometimes our true love can be hidden in hurtful expressions. But I have learned to measure my words with grace. 

Couples, whenever you feel the emotions getting hotter and hotter, someone has to be the voice of reason. Healing can’t come in a hostile environment. In order to bring healing, you may need to take a time-out. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1.  Of the two of you, which spouse has the greatest temper? 

2.  How can you help each other not to explode during a difficult moment?

3.  If a soft answer turns away wrath, how well do you do with speaking softly? What can you do to improve?

from Our Keys to Healthier Communication in Marriage by David & Tamela Mann

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

David: Husbands, the more we listen with our hearts and not our heads, the more likely we are to win our spouse over instead of pushing her away. It’s taken me some time to figure this out because I am competitive by nature. Sometimes, when I argue with Tam, I still cut her off mid-sentence to finish my point, but that’s not a healthy way to argue. The goal of any argument is to listen to understand, and not listen to respond. If Tam is talking to me, I have to discipline myself to let her finish. It’s much easier said than done, because in heated discussions we tend to want to be understood first before we work to understanding. But arguing with your spouse isn’t about being right. It’s about recognizing where you are wrong.

I could’ve done many things differently that night, but now that I have become more attuned to Tam’s needs, I see arguments as a gift. They give me a chance to gain a better understanding of who she is and how she is wired. When I recognized that my words could pierce her heart and my sharp snapbacks could hurt her feelings, my commitment to listening changed. I heard what Tam was saying, and I heard what she wasn’t saying. Arguments allow me to see what frustrates her and what upsets her, and they give me an inside look into her heart. When I listen attentively and purposefully, I learn her triggers, and she learns mine. I learn her limits, and she learns mine. Arguing in a healthy manner helps me love her the way Christ loves me. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1.  When you argue, do you listen to understand or listen to respond?

2.  What are three ways to show you are listening to understand?

from Our Keys to Healthier Communication in Marriage by David & Tamela Mann

‘Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.’ Romans 12:17-18(NLT)

Tam: Whenever I find myself in a heated conversation with David, I try my best to stick to the issue at hand. The issue was about tuna on the surface, but the real reason we were arguing was because I didn’t feel as if David appreciated my sacrifice of love. I didn’t feel seen, heard, or valued. I felt, in that moment, that David was being selfish and inconsiderate, and that was the issue. After a hard day at work I needed to feel appreciated. I wanted some affection. I was hoping he would greet me and hug me and ask me how my day was. But David was hungry, and rightfully so. The custom of our home is to eat at a certain time, and I did not call to let him know I was coming home later than expected. I could’ve easily pulled over, called him, and notified him of my late arrival. He would’ve then known to fix something to satisfy his hunger, and when I arrived at home, we both would’ve been able to react to the situation differently. The issues of our argument were about appreciation, consideration, and communication. Anything else was out of bounds. 

David: I, too, take ownership of my inconsideration in that moment. I have always considered myself a very considerate person, but that day, I was more concerned with filling my stomach than filling Tam’s love tank. From that, I learned to communicate how much I appreciate her sacrifices. I’ve learned to be more present when she comes home and not flustered or distracted by other things. Now that Tam and I have made a commitment to stick with the issue, our words are no longer weapons. Our words do not break each other down. Instead they build each other up. 

When I use arguments as an opportunity to bring up past issues from Tam’s family, I bruise my spouse with my words. Each time I bring up something that has nothing to do with the situation, I hurt her in ways that could possibly damage her for a lifetime. I learned to change the tone of my voice and the topic of my conversation, to never humiliate or embarrass her because she is my prize, to never belittle her because she is my treasure. Instead I need to stick to the issue and ask her how that issue made her feel.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1.  Do you stick to the issue when you argue, or does the argument open up to other things?

2.  How can you rectify that today?

from Our Keys to Healthier Communication in Marriage by David & Tamela Mann

‘So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. ‘ John 13:34(NLT)

It still amazes me whenever I hear people say that our marriage has inspired them, but our marriage only works because we are committed to working through the difficult moments. We are committed to communicate in a way that honors one another and doesn’t diminish each other. But that has taken time. It takes time to shift from arguing to be right into communicating to be understood.

Communication has been the binding force of our marriage. When we communicate respectfully, it improves our intimacy, joy, and connection. But when we press each other’s buttons, cut each other off in the middle of a sentence, and raise our voices at each other, it interrupts our marital flow. 

We’ve had our share of arguments, but the one that takes the cake is the argument that happened over a tuna fish sandwich. You read that right – over a tuna fish sandwich. 

It was a regular day in the Mann residence. We had only been married for a few years, and Tam was working at Pearle Express. That particular day Tam had worked an incredibly long shift, and as is the custom in our home, Tam usually prepares dinner every night while I help to clean up afterward. Well, Tam was nowhere to be found, and it was dinnertime. I would’ve made a meal to hold me over, but I assumed Tam was coming home immediately after work. When Tam finally got home, I asked her where she had been all day. She told me she made a quick stop to the grocery store, so I sat back and waited to smell fresh peppers and onions sizzling over a succulent steak. My mouth was watering in anticipation of an amazing five-course meal, but to my surprise Tam walked into the bedroom with a tuna fish sandwich. 

“Instead of me cooking a big meal tonight, let’s do tuna and chips,” Tam murmured. 

I reluctantly obliged. If I had wanted a five-course meal, I should’ve prepared it for Tam when she got home, not the other way around. So I relented. I bit into the sandwich and it was good, but something was missing. Before I could collect myself and rearrange my words, I blurted out, “Did you put relish on this sandwich?”

Tam turned around and gave me the look of death. In a high soprano, she replied that she was tired and took her time to serve me and how could I have the nerve to ask for something when I could’ve gotten the relish myself?

She had a valid point. But instead of hearing what she was really trying to say – David, honey, I feel unappreciated – I clapped back. “Well, you are tired, but I’ve been home all day and all night waiting for you to come home! You obviously don’t care about me or the kids because if you did, you would’ve at least come home a little earlier.” 

An hour later, we had ripped each other to shreds, arguing about stuff that had nothing to do with the tuna sandwich. We brought up unaddressed issues that had been lying dormant in our relationship for years, and we had no referee to stop us. 

Our original argument was about my simple request to have more relish on my tuna sandwich. Tam felt unappreciated, and I felt like my request wasn’t a big deal. But because we both were tired and irritable, we let a small issue turn into a big issue. 

When we think back on that senseless argument, we can’t help but ask, Was it worth it? Did we really need to raise our voices or storm out? What was lying beneath the surface of our frustration? One argument over a tuna fish sandwich taught us seven lessons that we now consider as we work to practice better communication with one another. 

WILL YOU PRAY WITH US?

Dear God, Thank you for the beauty and blessing of marriage. Thank you for walking with us through the good days and carrying us through the bad days. Help us remember the big picture. Forgive us if we ever used an argument to belittle or humiliate our spouse. Teach us how to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Help us to learn how to apologize when we’re wrong. We will remember that one bad day does not have to turn into a bad life. Strengthen us through hard conversations. Grant us peace during difficult seasons. We trust you to heal every hurting marriage right now. In Jesus’ name, amen.

from Our Keys to Healthier Communication in Marriage by David & Tamela Mann