‘Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.’ Philippians 4:6-7(NLT)

It’s important for couples to stay focused on the state of their collective heart, despite life’s many distractions. 

Introduction 

Too often, we’re so focused on our lives outside of our homes that our families get the leftover parts of us. When that happens, we lose sight of what’s going on in our spouse’s heart. That’s a dangerous spot for any married couple to be in. 

Tension 

The world encourages us to achieve. It encourages us to make a name for ourselves. 

There’s nothing inherently wrong with that inner sense of ambition as long as it’s focused in the right direction. But we can’t let a desire for the wrong kind of success make us failures at home.  

Truth 

When we are anxious, overwhelmed, or feeling attacked, we don’t think straight. We become stressed out and defensive, and we lose perspective. Our relationships suffer. Our marriages can suffer. In his letter to the Philippians, the apostle Paul gave this advice.

When you’re completely overwhelmed and don’t know what to do, go to your heavenly Father. Verbalize your needs to God. His peace will calm your brain. And that calm will help you to refocus on what matters most— not your job or your success or even your reputation, but your connection to your spouse. 

This is the first step in guarding your collective heart. It’s vital to the health of your marriage that you take time every day to talk with your spouse about what’s going on in your hearts— to just talk about your day in emotional language.

Bottom Line 

Guard your collective heart. 

About the Expert

This content is an excerpt from Ted Lowe’s interview with Joshua Straub.

Josh Straub is a speaker, author, marriage and leadership coach, and a podcast and TV co-host. He and his wife, Christi, lead Famous at Home, a company equipping leaders and corporations in emotional intelligence and healthy family systems. 

Josh is a Fellow of the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling. He is the author of six books, including “Safe House: How Emotional Safety is the Key to Raising Kids Who Live, Love, and Lead Well.” He and his wife, Christi, host the Famous at Home podcast.

from One Things

‘Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.’ Matthew 6:21(NLT)

Introduction 

Money is one of the main sources of conflict in marriage, but it can also be a source of connection. 

Money and marriage. You’re probably dreading the idea of spending a Episode having that conversation, right? Most of us feel at least a little insecure about how we handle money. 

And there are so many opinions out there—books, podcasts, sermons, YouTube channels, seminars—about the right ways to budget, save, and spend, it’s hard to know what to do. 

Tension 

Ninety-two percent of couples experience some kind of tension in their marriage around money. Seventy-seven percent of couples say they can’t openly talk about their finances without getting frustrated or irritated. Only nineteen percent of couples have a written, working budget. 

Is that you and your spouse? If so, you don’t have to continue to live with that frustration, conflict, and lack of communication. It is possible to examine your values and change your relationship with money. 

Truth 

It’s probably not a surprise to anyone that money is one of the biggest sources of conflict in marriages, but why is that? The reason our finances are such a big deal is a principle that Jesus explained in the Gospel of Matthew.

Our relationship with money doesn’t just set our priorities and influence our decision-making, it drives our passion. If we have unhealthy money habits, it’s bound to affect our relationship with God and our spouses. So, one of the best things you can do for your marriage is to make sure you and your spouse are on the same page about your finances. 

Understand that you don’t value the same things your spouse values. 

It could be that you value spending and your spouse values saving, or that you value planning and your spouse values flexibility. Whatever the situation, it’s easy for us to begin to see these differences in values as deep character flaws in our spouses. That’s a big danger to marriage. 

Be intentional about understanding your spouse’s values, assume the best about him or her, and make every effort to meet in the middle so you’re making wise financial decisions. 

Most important, this approach will communicate to your spouse that you value them more than you value money. 

Be aware that you and your spouse have different fears. 

You may fear that being too tight with money will rob your children of precious family memories and shared experiences, while your spouse may fear that loose spending might lead to financial ruin. 

Honor your spouse’s concerns. Don’t dismiss each other. Be open about what’s in your hearts so you can make wise decisions that help you both to move out of fear and define a healthier relationship to your money.

Bottom Line 

Money in marriage is an opportunity for conflict or connection. 

About the Expert

This content is an excerpt from Ted Lowe’s interview with Shaunti Feldhahn.

Shaunti is a Harvard graduate and Wall Street analyst turned social researcher, best-selling author, and popular speaker. Her groundbreaking research-based books, such as “For Women Only,” have sold more than 3 million copies in 25 languages.

Her latest book, “Thriving in Love and Money,” co-authored with her husband, Jeff, digs out the reasons why most of us have tension around money—or simply avoid talking about it. Shaunti and Jeff live in Atlanta with their two teenagers and two cats who think they are dogs.

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‘Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ. ‘ Colossians 2:8(NLT)

Welcome 

Your marriage isn’t just about you. It’s not even just about you and your spouse. Putting God at the center of your marriage can change everything. 

Introduction 

Have you ever considered that your marriage has a purpose beyond your enjoyment, your sexual gratification, or your children? It does. But embracing that higher purpose and making it a reality in the day-to-day reality of your relationship with your spouse is no easy task. 

God designed your marriage to be an illustration of Christ’s love for his church. It’s meant to look a little bit like heaven. How do you make that happen? 

Tension 

You want to love your spouse well. But there’s a lot of responsibility that comes with marriage—especially as a Jesus follower. 

Our culture sees marriage as a way of for us to find happiness, sexual gratification, and maybe even self-actualization. It’s an institution that serves our needs—and when it fails to serve those needs, we’re free to end it and move on with our lives. 

But your marriage can be so much more than that . . . if you change your perspective. 

Truth 

Do you aspire to have a marriage that’s more than average? Pursuing a marriage like that starts with a shift in perspective—one that sees through our cultural assumptions about the purpose of marriage to a different and more solid foundation: God.

When you put God at the center of your marriage, it changes everything because it gives your marriage a purpose greater than you and your spouse. It builds a lasting legacy that’s connected to God’s redemptive action in the world. 

Bottom Line 

Choose Him, not them. 

About the Expert

This content is an excerpt from Ted Lowe’s interview with Lee & Martica Jenkins.

Lee is the senior pastor of Eagles Nest Church in Roswell, Ga. Lee is a proud graduate of the University of Tennessee, where he was a standout defensive back on the Vols football team. After graduating, Lee was drafted by the New York Giants of the National Football League.

Martica Jenkins earned her communications degree from the University of Southern California in Los Angeles. After college, she moved to Atlanta and began her career as a Retirement Planning Specialist with TIAA-CREF. 

Lee and Martica live in Roswell, GA. They are business partners, ministry partners, and best friends. They have three adult children: a daughter, Kristin, and two sons, Martin and Ryan.

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‘‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, ‘ Mark 10:7-8(NLT)

Introduction

Sexual intimacy is important in marriage, but there’s more to intimacy than sex. 

The world around us feeds us a lot of confusing and conflicting information about sex. On the one hand, it treats sex as nothing more than a fun physical activity that has little bearing on our thoughts, feelings, and relationships with other people. On the other hand, it acknowledges that sex is a serious enough business that it can be wielded selfishly, leading to harassment, damage to others’ self-image, and deep emotional and psychological pain. 

So, if you’ve carried some unhealthy sexual messages into your marriage, how do you forge a new path moving forward? 

Tension 

About half of people—including married people—are sexually struggling in a big way. 

Most of the time, that struggle goes all the way back to childhood. It’s a result of their parents never talking to them about the qualities of a healthy, positive, and value-centered sexuality. And then they carry these false ideas they’ve formed about intimacy into marriage, and it makes it difficult and awkward to create true sexual intimacy. 

Truth 

God designed marriage to be a lifelong conversation between two people who love each other. And a major part of that conversation is physical intimacy. 

But how do you maintain that connection—that oneness— across a lifetime? All sorts of things can get in the way of intimacy—false ideas about sex we picked up during childhood and adolescence, busy schedules, important responsibilities, low energy, and differing levels of desire. 

Your marriage will be better if you prioritize connection, including physical intimacy. 

Bottom Line 

Emotional intimacy fuels physical intimacy. 

About the Expert

This content is an excerpt from Ted Lowe’s interview with Jim Burns.

Jim is the president of HomeWord and the Executive Director of the HomeWord Center for Youth and Family at Azusa Pacific University. Some of his most popular books are “Confident Parenting,” “The Purity Code,” “Creating an Intimate Marriage,” and “Closer.” 

Jim and his wife, Cathy, live in Southern California and have three grown daughters, Christy, Rebecca, and Heidi; two sons-in-law, Steve and Matt; and two grandchildren, James and Charlotte.

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‘Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.’ Ephesians 4:29(NLT)

Introduction 

The plots of movies and books are often based on miscommunication between characters. One character says something, another interprets it the wrong way, and comedy or drama ensues. Miscommunication happens all of the time in marriage, but most of the time it’s not all that funny. In fact, it can cause real problems. 

Kindness is the antidote to miscommunication, but being kind takes practice. 

Tension 

Learning to speak kindly to each other is trickier than it sounds because your own definition of kind communication may differ from your spouse’s. 

If you want to avoid miscommunication, you have to be intentional about knowing yourself and your spouse—how God wired each of you, your different temperaments, and your innate needs. 

Truth

The first step to being kind to your spouse is committing to controlling your words so that they’re always helpful. The apostle Paul addressed this idea in his letter to the people at the church in Ephesus.

But once you’ve made that commitment, it’s important to take steps to understand your own assumptions about what kindness looks like and how those assumptions may differ from how your spouse receives kindness. 

One of the best ways you can get a grasp on your own assumptions and better understand your spouse’s is to know your temperament. This is an ancient, time-tested, and practical way of understanding how we’re wired and how we see and respond to the world around us.

Bottom Line 

Knowing and understanding innate needs helps with all communication.

About the Expert

This content is an excerpt from Ted Lowe’s interview with Kathleen Edleman.

Kathleen is certified in Biblical Studies and Christian Counseling Psychology and has spent more than 25 years coaching clients in the art of communication.

She is the author of “I Said This, You Heard That: How Your Wiring Colors Your Communication.” Kathleen is married with two grown children and has a surprising passion for martial arts and pickup trucks.

from One Things