Tag: One: A Marriage Devotional

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5(NLT)

Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own. (1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NAS)

Did you know there are reasons we love the people we do? There are two things we all have in common about those we love. First, we admire something about the people we love. Second, they make us feel good about ourselves.

This formula for love never changes—it is always true. Even in our relationship with Christ, it’s true.

For instance, I love Christ because I admire Him. There is no one I admire more. But admiration for His character and nature is not the only reason I love Him. I love Christ because
of what He did for me on the cross, and what He does for me daily in my relationship with Him. He makes me feel valued, special, and secure. I love the way He makes me feel about me.

The truth is, you will never fall in love with a person who makes you feel bad about yourself.

Just think about the “puppy love” phase of your relationship. You were attracted to each other and couldn’t wait to spend time together. The reason was twofold. You liked something about the other person, and you liked the way he or she made you feel about yourself.

Now let’s talk about how a breakdown in a love relationship occurs. One of the most crucial roles you play in your husband’s or wife’s life is to be God’s instrument in revealing to them that they are very important and special. When you are no longer feeding each other’s self-esteem and regularly highlighting the things you admire about each other, the formula for love begins to break down.

The good news is, this situation is easily reversed. As you make it a point to look for and talk about the qualities you admire in each other, you will begin rebuilding each other’s self-esteem. With a little bit of effort, you will be able to see immediate results. The way your husband or wife makes you feel will improve noticeably, and you’ll discover that the formula for love is easier than you might have thought!

Talk It Out | Try looking at your relationship from your spouse’s perspective by asking yourself the question, “How healthy would my self-esteem be if I were married to me?” Share your thoughts and talk about ways to make improvements in this area. Take turns talking about the qualities you admire in each other.

Walk It Out | One night this week, give each other a 10-minute (or longer) massage. While giving your spouse a massage, talk about the things you admire and appreciate most about him or her.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.’ Proverbs 18:21(NLT)

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. (Proverbs 18:21)

Communication in marriage is a lifeline of information, conflict resolution and affection. To be able to communicate effectively, you must understand the disproportionate power of words.

In relationships, words are tremendously powerful for good or bad. In every good relationship, there is an exchange of many positive words. These words act as seeds that create a powerful and disproportionate harvest. The same is true in bad relationships. In every bitter or unsatisfactory marriage, there are either few words exchanged (few seeds planted) or there are negative words exchanged (bad seeds planted).

Literally, the power of life or death for any relationship is in your mouth. You possess an incredible ability to give life or death, encouragement or discouragement, truth or deception, praise or criticism, hurt or help to those around you.

To understand this issue fully, you must first recognize how your own family history and the culture around you can shape the way you communicate. We live in a smart-aleck, sarcastic, and immoral culture. Words are thrown around as if they don’t matter, and people are treated as though they had little worth. Just watch a little television and you’ll get my point.

Also, if you are from a verbally abusive family or have lived in a negative verbal environment, you will have the tendency to follow that pattern of behavior. It is important to realize the unhealthy manner in which those around you communicate and to refuse to follow suit. If you will notice, you can see that those who are impure, ungodly, or negative in their speech do not have good relationships.

Words are like seeds. If you don’t like the harvest in your marriage, there is good news: you can change seeds and the harvest will change. You have power. You aren’t helpless and you aren’t a victim. You have the power of death and life in your tongue. Unleash that power toward your spouse in a positive manner and you will see the truth of what the Bible says.

Talk It Out | Ask each other these questions, and answer honestly (but kindly!).

+ Do I communicate with you enough?

+ Do I communicate praise and appreciation to you enough?

+ Have I spoken negative or hurtful words that I need to apologize for?

Walk It Out | Write down several positive, affirming things you would like to say to your spouse. Putting them down on paper first helps you select just the right words. Exchange papers sometime before next week’s devotional time.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.’ Proverbs 16:24(NLT)

Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. (Proverbs 16:24, NLT)

Every couple faces communication challenges in their marriage. I’ve faced my own challenges, taught on the subject for many years, and learned there is one element necessary for success—caring.

That’s right. It doesn’t matter what communication techniques you may know and understand—if you don’t care, it won’t make a difference.

The actual breakdown of communication in marriage typically begins when attitudes begin to change. For instance, when you first began dating, you had long conversations about your
lives, future, expectations, etc. And things were great! Why? Because you cared! You worked to understand each other and affirm the importance of what the other person had to say. This is one reason you fell in love and became willing to commit in a deeper way to the relationship.

Fast forward into the marriage when communication begins to break down and you’ll find a different story. The lack of faceto-face, meaningful time together combined with sarcastic retorts, eye rolling, negative facial gestures and just a basic lack of caring about what your spouse is feeling or saying will devastate the atmosphere of positive communication.

For your marriage to be successful, you’re going to have to have an open line of communication. For that to happen, you need to feel safe enough to share your thoughts and feelings with each other. That will only take place if you feel as though the other person really cares.

Caring is communicated by eye contact, a positive countenance, providing positive feedback as your spouse shares, valuing his or her input, and simply doing anything you can to let them know you care. Also, as you care about your partner, it will become easier to understand the opposite sex. It’s really not that hard to figure out the person you are married to if you really care about him or her. However, if you don’t have personal concern for each other, your marriage can quickly become a dark mystery with danger at every turn.

Ready to try a little “care repair” in your marriage? It will go a long way toward getting the communication in your marriage back on track. When that happens, you’ll automatically experience a rise in the romantic temperature of your relationship! As long as you keep communicating how much you care, the temperature of romance will continue to increase.

Talk It Out | Have you communicated lately how much you care about each other? Are you experiencing a breakdown in communication because of some of the negative traits listed above? If so, talk about ways to make positive changes in these areas.

Walk It Out | Show your spouse how much you care by making eye contact and giving positive feedback during your next conversation.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.’ Proverbs 15:1(NLT)

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1, NIV)

One time Karen and I were having a fight. I remember how frustrated I was. I kept trying to tell her how I felt and convince her that she was wrong. I wasn’t making any progress, which only made me more frustrated. At one point in the conversation, I remember Karen saying to me, “Jimmy, I wish I had an audio recording of how you talk to me. You wouldn’t believe how harsh you are.” I immediately reacted to what she said. “I’m not harsh with you!” I insisted (with my voice raised).

Several days later I was praying about what Karen had said. I was reading in Ephesians where it says that Jesus washes His Bride “with the washing of water by the word” (Ephesians 5:26). Immediately, in my mind, I saw myself standing before Jesus, filthy in my sins. The next thing I saw was Jesus filling His hands with water and very gently pouring it over my head. He wasn’t at all harsh with the application of His Word. Just the opposite, He was so gentle and loving.

The next thing the Lord showed me troubled me greatly. I saw Karen standing in front of me in a beautiful wedding gown. The gown had some stains on it and I was washing her down with a fire hose. The force of the fire hose was causing Karen pain and tearing her beautiful gown apart.

At once I knew that the Lord was showing me the difference between His nature and mine when it came to communication and trying to change others. I repented to God in that moment and changed my ways immediately.

The next time I confronted Karen, I decided to speak in a loving manner and leave the results to God. It wasn’t long before she noticed the difference in me. As soon as I changed, Karen began to blossom like a rose. Our relationship became so much better.

Now, I can say how I feel and leave the outcome to God. I have found that He is much better at changing people and producing results than I am. Sometimes I am the one who needs to change, and God is always faithful to reveal that to me in His loving and kind way.

Tell each other the truth, but do it in love and don’t try to be the enforcer. Remember, the truth is powerful. It doesn’t need our help. Just lovingly apply it, and it will do wonders!

Talk It Out | How do you communicate with each other when you are frustrated about something? Talk about ways to improve your approach—tone of voice, body language, choice of words, etc.

Walk It Out | Choose gentle words to speak to your spouse, and see how he or she blossoms with your praise.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!’ Proverbs 15:23(NLT)

A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word spoken in due season, how good it is! (Proverbs 15:23)

Communication is a huge issue in marriage. It is the first point of contact when you initially meet, and it provides the foundation for relational growth. Because it is so important as a foundation, there are some things to remember.

First of all, a wise master builder never overbuilds on a foundation. You simply cannot establish a superstructure on a foundation that is either too small, too thin, or too weak. Likewise, your marriage cannot grow beyond the foundation of communication.

Regardless of how long you’ve been married, communication can never become a secondary issue. In other words, sex, money, children, houses, or any aspect of marriage cannot take the place of communication as the primary base of your marriage.

When you have a house with foundation problems, the problems are typically more visible in other areas than with the foundation. Cracks in the walls, doors that won’t close, and loose flooring are merely symptoms of the real problem. You can patch and fix all you want, but you’re just going to have to keep doing it over and over again until you fix the foundation.

It is the same in marriage. When you have communication problems, it shows up in every other area. For example, when you’re not communicating you begin fighting about money, the kids, and other things. Also, it has a significant impact on your sex life. This is especially true for women.

Communication takes time and energy. Regardless of how busy you are or what sacrifices you have to make, take time to talk. Many years ago when this was a big issue for Karen and me, we took time after we put the kids to bed to sit face-to-face and talk. It transformed our marriage on every level.

We have never stopped. We talk a lot every day and we love it. It is the basis for everything we do in our marriage. It really never gets more complicated than that.

If you’ve become lazy in communicating, get to work and realize the importance of this issue. The more you learn to communicate, the stronger your marriage will be and the higher it can go.

Talk It Out | Sit in a comfortable chair or on the couch, facing each other, and take turns talking and listening. Do this for at least ten to fifteen minutes. It may seem uncomfortable at first, but as you relax and begin to enjoy it, you’ll discover you really do have interesting things to talk about!

Walk It Out | Turn off the television, put down the newspaper or magazine, and take a walk together one evening. Talk about the events of your day and reconnect with each other.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.’ Genesis 2:25(NLT)

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:25)

It is interesting that when God created Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, He created them naked and without any shame related to it. The word “naked” in Genesis 2:25 means “to be exposed.” In other words, God created marriage to be a place where you could totally expose yourselves to each other—mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and physically—without shame.

This is what makes intimacy on every level possible in marriage. When you are truly “naked” without shame in marriage, you can share your lives with each other. You have unhindered access to each other. You can talk about anything without fear. You can express your sexuality without inhibition. You can share your darkest feelings and brightest dreams with each other without a thought of future reproach.

All of this is true under one condition—that the relationship remains pure. You see, when Adam and Eve were created, they were naked without shame until sin entered into the relationship. Once they sinned, they could no longer trust each other. Paradise was lost as they both retreated under fig leaves and shivered in fear, separated from intimacy with God and each other.

The good news is this—couples can find their way back to paradise. It begins as you take responsibility for your actions and apologize for any damaging behavior. As you both do this, you will create an atmosphere of purity in your relationship—the fig leaves will be removed and your intimacy will return.

To keep the purity in your relationship, you must be careful in how you treat each other. You also must monitor your words, attitudes, and actions to make sure you don’t become sloppy and take each other for granted. When you make a mistake, apologize quickly. This is the only way to create a “naked” marriage the way God intended.

Talk It Out | In what areas of your marriage are you reluctant to let down your guard and become “naked” before each other (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, physically)? Talk about mistakes you have made and positive changes you can make to improve your level of intimacy.

Walk It Out | Tell each other about a specific dream you have for the future. Take the initial steps toward letting yourself be vulnerable, and be sure to affirm each other and let each other know that your marriage is a safe place to be open and honest.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.’ 1 Corinthians 7:3-4(NLT)

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (1 Corinthians 7:3-4)

When God created marriage, He created foundational laws for it to be guided and guarded. One of those laws is the Law of Possession. It is stated in Genesis 2:24: “They shall become one flesh.” Once you are married, you are no longer two but one.

Certainly, this relates to the beauty of sexual intimacy that is unique within the marriage relationship. But it also goes far beyond that; in fact, it is a profoundly important concept to understand. The law of possession means that for marriage to work, you must share everything and possess nothing apart from one another.

The words of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians reveal how God created marriage to produce the deepest intimacy and bonding possible in a human relationship. Once a couple is married, each one must yield the rights over his or her own body. This isn’t a license for abuse; it is a guarantee of use for both husband and wife to get their needs met.

In God’s design, you can’t withhold from each other. You must give everything you have to each other and share everything. This is why it is called “the law of possession.” The only way two different individuals can become one is if both are willing to take what was theirs individually and now surrender it to the common cause.

Marriage is about sharing your lives with each other. That requires giving of yourself and caring for each other. It means you don’t make decisions without the agreement of your spouse. It means you don’t withdraw sex or anything else in the relationship to punish or control. It means all of the money and assets of the family belong to both of you equally, regardless of where they came from or who worked to earn them.

Selfishness and independence destroy the spirit of marriage. Giving and sharing create the strongest bond of intimacy possible. This intimacy is so powerful that the word used to describe it is “one.” Two people becoming one heart, one home and one mind as they lay aside their individualism and selfishness—that is what marriage is all about.

Talk It Out | In your marriage, how well are you following the principles of the Law of Possession—surrendering it all and sharing everything equally? Talk about any areas you feel you need to work on. If a more detailed explanation would be helpful, see chapter five of my book Marriage on the Rock.

Walk It Out | Find a time to have a special intimate night together. Send the kids to a babysitter’s or family member’s house, or plan an overnight getaway for just the two of you.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. (Genesis 2:24)

This week we are going to talk about the second law of marriage—the Law of Pursuit. I underlined the words be joined in the Scripture above because these words are very important in understanding marriage. Even though the words look mundane on the outside—they are dynamic. They literally mean that a man is to “cling” to his wife for a lifetime. It also includes women in their relationships with their husbands.

The Hebrew word for “joined” or “cling” is the word dabaq. It is a very energetic word that means “to pursue with great zeal.” In the very beginning God told us the truth about marriage—it is work! That’s right! Marriage is work, and it only works when you work at it.

Couples fall in love because they work at the relationship. They try hard to impress each other, are careful to be sensitive to each other, and try to please one another. But then, once they are comfortable in the relationship, they start taking each other for granted and change the energetic behaviors that caused them to fall in love in the first place. The result is lost passion, boredom, and tension.

This is exactly what Karen and I did when we first got married. Our relationship began with an enormous amount of passion and goodwill that lasted for years. However, the more comfortable I became with the fact that Karen was going to stay with me, the more I took her for granted and the more I turned my attention to work, friends, and the pursuit of money.

The result was constant fighting that left us passionless and on the brink of divorce. The resurrection of our marriage didn’t come through any emotional breakthrough. It came as we realized what caused the breakdown—laziness, apathy, and taking each other for granted. When we realized this, we changed and started working at the relationship. As we did, the feelings slowly returned. Over time, they grew deeper and deeper and they have never stopped.

That was over thirty years ago, and today we have a very passionate marriage—because we work at it. Even after all of these years we know that if we don’t keep exerting effort toward each other and keep our marriage first—we will start experiencing problems.

Talk It Out | Do you feel that you sometimes take each other for granted? In what ways? Talk about some practical steps you can take to begin pursuing each other the way you did when you were dating.

Walk It Out | Next time you’re in the car together, reach for your spouse’s hand. The simple act of holding hands communicates an active interest in pleasing your spouse.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

When God created marriage, He had a plan. In order to understand God’s plan, we must begin by realizing the importance of priority in our lives. The first thing God ever said in the Bible concerning marriage was that a man would have to leave his father and mother to be joined to a wife.

Leaving our father or mother doesn’t mean that we can’t see them anymore or that they aren’t important to us. It simply means that they must be reprioritized in our lives and that our spouse must take the number-one spot—with the exception of our relationship with Christ.

Marriage only works if it is first in our lives. In my book Marriage on the Rock, I call this The Law of Priority. God created marriage to operate as the most important human relationship in our lives, and it only succeeds on that level. It is more important than children, work, friends, or anything else except for God Himself.

When marriage is first, it thrives. In fact, it’s how you fall in love and stay in love. Because you prioritize the relationship and focus on each other first, there is a great deal of passion and good will in the relationship.

Priority means you give each other the first and best of your time, energy, and focus. Lack of priority means you are transferring your best to someone or something else.

In marriage, this creates legitimate jealousy and problems. Whether it is a husband who is distracted by work or a wife who is too absorbed in the kids—it is going to cause trouble.

By the way, most things that violate the law of priority are actually good and necessary things—like work or children. The problem is they should never take priority over the marriage.

Priority must be proven daily in real terms and not just in words. Good intentions mean very little in marriage. The only thing that matters is what you do and continue to do consistently. For your marriage to work, you must establish it as the first priority and be willing to protect it against good or bad things that try to distract you.

Talk It Out | If you recognize that you have made mistakes in this area, apologize and ask your spouse to forgive you. Talk about ways you can rearrange your individual schedules and priorities to protect your time and energy for each other.

Walk It Out | Take a break from your usual responsibilities at least once this week and take a walk together or go out for coffee or dessert. Make it a time to let your spouse know your relationship is the most important priority in your life.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!’ Galatians 5:22-23(NLT)

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, selfcontrol. (Galatians 5:22-23)

There is an odd truth concerning love and marriage. Understanding it is an important key in making marriage and other relationships work. The truth is this: we don’t have the ability to really love without the power of the Holy Spirit working through us. Our capacity to love is based on God giving us that ability, supernaturally, as we surrender to Him.

So how are people able to “love” when they don’t know God? They can’t. At least they are not able to love with God’s type of love. God’s love is a special love the Bible calls agape. It is a love that flows out of the will and does not change. It is the most stable and predictable kind of love and the only type that can provide a lasting foundation in marriage.

Often, when people say they love someone, they are just talking about sexual desire (the Greek word eros, from which we get the word erotic) or a passionate feeling (thumos, from which we get our thermos). These kinds of feelings come and go. When they go for very long, many people give the old line, “I don’t love you anymore,” and they are out the door.

Agape love, however, is a committed and sacrificial love that is modeled after Jesus. When Jesus tells us He loves us, He isn’t talking about a feeling that comes and goes. He is telling us He is committed to us forever and will not change. Whether His feelings for us are positive or negative, it doesn’t change His commitment to us.

Consider what you mean when you tell each other, “I love you.” Are you saying that you are experiencing a fleeting feeling, or are you saying you are committed to each other forever and will demonstrate love regardless of bad feelings or negative circumstances? It isn’t wrong to express a feeling, as long as when that feeling isn’t there anymore, you can still say, “I love you,” and do the right thing regardless of the situation.

The most stable and dependable people in relationships are those who are submitted to the influence of the Holy Spirit. They are empowered by a supernatural love that will do the right thing through thick and thin. God’s agape love is the highest form of love and it will transform any person, relationship, or marriage under its influence.

Talk It Out | Think of a time that you made a choice to do the right thing, even though it was difficult (telling the truth, standing up for another person, etc.). Talk about those experiences and what you learned from them.

Walk It Out | Be intentional about building agape love. Schedule a weekend to kindle the love and romance in your marriage by attending a live or simulcast marriage event in your area. For more info visit marriagetoday.com/events

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans