Tag: One: A Marriage Devotional

‘The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.’ Proverbs 11:25(NLT)

The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed. (Proverbs 11:25 NLT)

There is a story I heard years ago about the difference between heaven and hell. It isn’t a biblically accurate story, but that’s not the point. It is accurate related to human behavior and how our attitudes affect our happiness in life and in marriage. Here it is:

In heaven and in hell, people are seated around a banquet table and before them is a great feast. There is a strange dilemma, however, about the way they must eat. Every person has eating utensils strapped to their hands that they cannot take off. Also, the utensils are too long for them to feed themselves. There is no way they could scoop food and return it to their own mouths.

In heaven, the people easily find the solution. With joy, they simply feed each other and have a great time of fellowship as they serve one another and enjoy the feast that heaven offers. Hell is much different. The people in hell are so selfish that they would rather starve to death than help someone else. Therefore, even though they have the same food available, they never experience it because they refuse to serve each other.

Like I said before, it isn’t an accurate account of what the Bible says; however, it is a very accurate picture of the difference between bad and good marriages. The primary difference in many cases between success or failure in marriage is simply whether you are motivated by selfishness or a servant attitude.

Just like in the story, a banquet is set before us in marriage. Both of us bring to the relationship amazing giftings, abilities, and personality that can nourish and bless our spouses. However, they can only be experienced if we focus on each other and are willing to serve and give.

I remember back to the “hell” days in our marriage when I was too selfish to meet Karen’s needs or focus on her. We lived in an emotional wilderness where both of us were miserable. I also remember when our season in hell ended and the “heaven” years began approximately thirty years ago. I saw the light and repented for my selfishness. Since then Karen and I have been committed to serving each other and meeting each other’s needs.

I like the story of heaven and hell. It’s a good reminder to all of us not to be selfish. Just remember, your marriage is full of every blessing you can ever hope for, but it can only be released as you are willing to serve your spouse.

Talk It Out | What are some of the giftings and abilities that each of you bring into the marriage relationship? Write down the positive qualities you see in your spouse, and compare your lists. Then talk about ways you can use those giftings to meet each other’s needs.

Walk It Out | Prepare a food item that your spouse really likes, and take turns serving the food to each other. It could be something as simple as microwave popcorn or it could be a full-course meal—whatever you choose. Use this as an opportunity to demonstrate your desire to serve each other.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her ‘ Ephesians 5:25(NLT)

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it. (Ephesians 5:25)

I recently saw another report about how male sweat causes positive responses in women. The latest research was published by the University of California. In testing the effects of male sweat on women, they once again recorded positive hormonal changes for the majority of them who were exposed to its smell. This is significant.

First of all, those hormonal changes indicate sexual arousal. For any man who is looking for a way to rev up his wife’s libido, this is it. This is really good news—but there is a twist involved. To produce sweat, you have to exert effort. Jumping in a sauna and collecting sweat in a jar that you put under your wife’s nose probably won’t produce the desired result.

The issue is how God has wired women to respond to a sacrificial, servant-hearted man. Besides the sweat research, studies have shown that wives find their husbands sexually attractive when they are doing housework. Men really need to understand the truth of this. Whereas males are sexually wired to respond to visual stimuli, women respond more to emotional stimuli. Specifically, they are attracted to men who serve them and help around the house.

Another important element of the sweat research has to do with the calming influence male sweat has on women. A study that was conducted at the University of Pennsylvania found that male sweat causes women to relax and feel happy.

To look at the other side of this, without sweat, women tend to be more tense and less happy. I know a lot of men who wonder why their wives are so uptight and hormonal (in the negative sense). In many cases, it just goes back to the fact that they feel as though they are not being supported and served by their husbands. In other words, they just need to get a whiff of a little sweat around the house to calm down and get into a better mood.

When Karen and I first got married, I wanted her to honor me and respond to me sexually. I tried everything I knew to get the results I wanted. However, since I was very selfish at the time, serving Karen and helping around the house wasn’t something I tried very often.

Over the years as I have matured and grown as a husband, I have noticed that Karen is very uncomplicated. The more she feels as though I care and am there to support her, the more naturally honoring and sexually responsive she is. Even if I don’t break a sweat, her response is consistent.

Talk It Out | What does the “sweat meter” at your house reveal? Talk about the times you have noticed this principle at work in your marriage. Be open and honest about ways to improve in this area.

Walk It Out | Husbands, do a specific chore for your wife this week. It could be running an errand, shopping for groceries, or doing something around the house. (Based on the research referenced above, housework might be a good choice!).

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ‘ Colossians 3:12(NLT)

So as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. (Col. 3:12 NAS)

Humans are tender creatures. All of us are. Even though many times we pretend things don’t bother us, many things really do. I remember a situation that began with a phone call late one night from a frantic wife. She called us for help because she and her husband were having a terrible fight and he was packing to leave.

When we arrived at their home, it was chaotic. She was in the living room with the children. They were all very upset and crying. He was in the garage loading his car to leave. Karen tried to comfort her and I talked to him in the garage.

Here is the short version. The husband was the type of person who hid his personal pain beneath a tough exterior. The more hurt and afraid he felt, the more dominant and intimidating he acted. He’d found out weeks earlier that his wife had some physical problems that were pretty serious. He was concerned and told her to go to the doctor. She didn’t. Every time he reminded her she would just brush him off.

On the night of the fight, he became very dominant and forceful with her about another issue. However, what was really bothering him was the thought that she might die. He cherished her and couldn’t stand the thought that her medical problems might be terminal. His fears took over and emotions got out of control.

As we sat with them and talked things out, she watched him sob uncontrollably as he talked about how much he loved her and how afraid he was something might happen to her. She admitted that the reason she didn’t go to the doctor was because the possible cost. As you can see, both were bothered by something and both of their concerns were valid. However, because they didn’t honestly discuss their feelings, the situation nearly ended in tragedy.

I’ve learned over the years that everything matters. Because of that, I am honest about my feelings and sensitive to Karen’s. I realize that when I’m bothered by something Karen says or does, there is usually more to her behavior.

Rather than reacting to what she says, I’ve learned to pursue what is going on with her on a deeper level. On many occasions, this has kept me from reacting with rejection, withdrawal or verbal aggression. It has also caused me to deeply respect the sensitivity of Karen’s heart and my own as well.

Talk It Out | What underlying issues in your relationship are you reluctant to bring to the surface and talk about? This would be a good time to begin a conversation about sensitive issues that really matter and allow your spouse to see it from your perspective.

Walk It Out | Call your spouse at an unexpected time this week, just to say, “I’m thinking of you.”

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. ‘ James 3:17(NLT)

The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. (James 3:17)

This week I want to talk about the importance of men receiving influence from their wives. Women are more naturally open to receiving input from their husbands and sharing when it comes to relationships. However, men can view receiving input and influence from their wives as being weak.

It is common for men to fear being henpecked or controlled by their wives. In spite of the progress that has been made in the arena of women’s rights, male chauvinism is alive and well.

But beyond the issue of male chauvinism, there is a natural pride in just about every man that makes him highly sensitive to the issue of honor and esteem.

This is why men don’t stop and ask for directions when they are lost. It is also the reason they can be resistant to receiving advice and input from their wives. For all of the men reading this, I want you to know that it is very important for you to learn to receive input from your wife and to let her know that you value her ideas and feelings. Your need for esteem is important. But your wife’s need to feel valued in the relationship is of equal importance.

When Karen and I first got married, I was chauvinistic and very insecure. When Karen shared with me, I would roll my eyes, make sarcastic comments and let her know in no uncertain terms that I didn’t value her input. I’m a different man today. I deeply value Karen’s input; she is God’s gift to me. In every area of our marriage and my personal life, she has enriched me. She helps put me in touch with feelings I am not sensitive to without her. She helps me make better decisions because she has a unique perspective that broadens my viewpoint.

Karen has such incredible wisdom. I have learned to listen to her and value her ideas and feelings. It really makes a woman feel special and secure in a marriage when she knows her input is received. Few things hurt a woman more than to be rejected and devalued by her husband as she tries to share her viewpoints.

Women are a gift from God. Society is greatly benefited by the influence women bring to men. Without them, men are much less productive and much more dangerous to themselves and others. The more men understand how much they need women and value their input, the better they are.

Talk It Out | Husbands, let your wife know that you are thankful for her. Communicate to her how much you appreciate her ideas and feelings. Ask her for input in a decision or issue you are dealing with right now, and show her how much you value that input.

Walk It Out | Do something special this week to let your spouse know how much you love him or her. Send her flowers or buy him that cd he’s been wanting. Include a love note with your gift.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. ‘ Galatians 5:13(NLT)

For you, dear friends, have been called to live in freedom—not freedom to satisfy your sinful nature, but freedom to serve one another in love. (Gal. 5:13 NLT)

Many police cars have this slogan on the side: “To protect and to serve.” The authority of a husband as the head of his home exists for the same two purposes. Righteous authority can only be used in this manner. Any other use of authority is abusive and self-serving.

The misuse of authority has led many women to flinch when the word submission is brought up. Today’s women often view submission to men as an outdated and humiliating concept. Much of this response is due to the failure of men to be Christlike leaders in their homes.

Let’s go back to the two purposes of authority. One of the reasons God gives men the position as head of the home is to protect his wife. Let me give you an example of this in my own marriage. First of all, Karen is my equal. My authority as her husband isn’t about domination or superiority. It’s about protection.

Every good marriage thrives on cooperation and respect. So when do I use authority? I use it when I see Karen doing something that would put her at risk. An example is her back. She had an injury about fifteen years ago that led to a surgery. The only time you will ever see me being bossy with Karen is when I see her about to lift something that would damage her back. Men should protect their wives. The Bible uses the word cherish to describe how husbands should love their wives. It means to protect from all harm.

The other purpose of authority is to serve. Jesus was a servant leader and taught us to be the same. Men should be the servant leaders of their homes. This means two things. First of all it means that he is the loving initiator of the well-being of the home—respecting his wife as his equal. Rather than being passive or dominant, a servant leader initiates discussions and actions related to such things as children, finances, spirituality, and romance as he invites the advice and influence of his wife.

The second thing that a servant leader does is use his position to bring others to their highest potential. The Bible says a man should nourish his wife. The word nourish in that text means to “feed to maturity.” A good husband is God’s partner to bring his wife to the full purpose God created her for—which is always great. When a wife knows that her husband is her biggest fan and is there to promote and protect her, she’s in heaven.

Talk It Out | Wives, tell your husband about a time that you appreciated his role in protecting and serving you. Tell him how it made you feel and why it’s important to you. As a couple, talk about ways you can deepen your sense of cooperation in your marriage.

Walk It Out | Look at some pictures from early in your marriage or when you were dating. Talk about some of your favorite memories.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:10(NLT)

‘Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you. ”’ Genesis 3:16(NLT)

Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other. (Romans 12:10 NLT)

Dominance is one of the most damaging dynamics that can exist in any relationship—especially marriage. God simply didn’t intend for marriage to be a relationship where one spouse would dominate the other.

To understand this, we have to go back to the Garden of Eden before the fall of mankind. In the Bible, there isn’t a reference indicating Adam was superior to Eve or vice versa, until the fall. After Adam and Eve ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, God pronounced a curse over them. In Genesis 3:16, we find that He told Eve her desire would be for her husband, and he (Adam) would rule over her. The word desire in that scripture means “a desire to usurp authority.”

Dominance and a struggle for power or superiority in a marriage are the result of our fallen nature, and they destroy intimacy and goodwill in the relationship. Early in our marriage, I was very dominant over Karen and didn’t respect her input or value her as a person. It led us to the brink of divorce. In a dark moment in my life, the light of Christ broke through my hard heart and I made the decision to stop dominating Karen and to begin treating her as an equal. The results were astounding.

It must be understood that dominance is as common among women as it is men. There is only one answer—both spouses must surrender themselves and the marriage to the authority of Christ and stop trying to control the marriage. This means the dominant spouse must have a humble attitude and “stand down.” It also means the dominated spouse must stop enabling the dominance. He or she must lovingly “stand up” and take an active, equal position in the relationship.

Marriage is a partnership of two equals under God’s authority.

The best marriages are those where both the husband and wife are committed to doing God’s will. Their time and energy isn’t spent fighting each other; it is spent finding God’s will and doing it. This is how God created marriage to function in the beginning. It’s still the only way it works.

Talk It Out | Spend a few minutes separately thinking about the issue of being equals in your marriage. Then talk about it together and determine any changes you need to make in order to keep your marriage an active and equal partnership.

Walk It Out | Turn off the television or any other distraction and give each other your undivided attention during your dinner meals this week. If you have young children and mealtimes are hectic, use the time after the kids are in bed to focus on each other and have a real conversation.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘Let all that I am praise the Lord ; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord ; may I never forget the good things he does for me.’ Psalms 103:1-2(NLT)

Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits. (Psalm 103:1-2)

One thing that draws us together as men and women in marriage is our God-designed differences. Unfortunately, it is also one of the primary things that causes us to become frustrated with each other and to reject one another as being weird or abnormal.

Men and women are different by God’s design. We think differently from each other. Our major needs are different. God created us with significantly different natures. We need to accept this fact and not allow our minds to be deceived by the lie that there is someone of the opposite sex who is just like us.

I am amused when I see commercials on television about websites that offer single people an opportunity to find their ideal partner. Now, even though I hope everyone finds a compatible spouse, it is unrealistic to think that you’re going to find someone just like you.

Up until now you may have viewed your differences as a curse rather than a blessing. I want to help you be thankful for differences. That’s right; the differences between you and your spouse are actually something you should celebrate.

A man I once counseled discovered that truth after thirty years of marriage. He had never experienced an ounce of intimacy with his wife until they began to work on the problem. They made real progress and this is what he told me. “We’ve now gone through three levels in our relationship. In the first one, we totally rejected each other’s differences. Then for about fifteen years we tolerated each other’s differences.

Recently, I’ve come to understand that we can celebrate each other’s differences. I am ashamed to say it has taken me thirty years of marriage to learn this. Finally, I have come to the place I can look at her and say, ‘Thank God for the differences in my wife.’”

Knowing how to celebrate the differences in your spouse will make all the difference in your relationship. And here’s an important key: friends do celebrate their differences.

They enjoy the fact that one person has a gift or a skill they don’t have, or that one person sees things from a different perspective than they do. That’s the way best friends are.

So count your spouse as your best friend. Know that your differences can be dynamic rather than dangerous in your relationship.

Talk It Out | What are some of the gifts or skills your spouse has that you don’t have? Express your appreciation for the strengths you see in your spouse, and talk about ways you can appreciate and celebrate your differences.

Walk It Out | One morning this week, start your day with a date. Wake up early and go to breakfast together.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. ‘ 1 Peter 5:6(NLT)

Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time. (1 Peter 5:6)

Adam and Eve were the first married couple. They were created in a place called Eden, which means “pleasure and delight.” God intended for them to live in an environment of peace, abundance, and love.

So, how did things change from paradise to the pain and failure we see today? To understand the answer we must first realize that when Adam and Eve sinned, they caused the fall of mankind. Even though that is true, it isn’t the complete reason for the problems we see today. The fuller reason is blame transfer.

You see, when God confronted Adam and Eve about their sin, they refused to accept responsibility for it. You can read the account yourself in the third chapter of Genesis. The short
version is this: Adam blamed Eve for his sin and Eve blamed the devil. They were both unwilling to admit their faults and take responsibility for their actions.

Even though Adam and Eve’s failure was thousands of years ago, their sin lives on today in the lives of many couples. I have counseled a great number of husbands and wives who just would not take responsibility for their own problems. In most cases, they were convinced that if their spouses would change, all of their problems would be solved. Of course, their spouses had the opposite opinion.

So how do you break this dangerous cycle of blame transfer?

Here are three simple steps:

1. Stop focusing on your spouse’s problems. You can’t change him or her, but you can change yourself; once you change, the marriage changes.

2. Don’t make it about your spouse; make it about God. Be willing to deal honestly with God about your own issues, and you will experience a new level of grace, peace, and power in your life.

3. Be humble. James chapter four tells us that God resists proud people, but gives grace to humble people. Humility is attractive and contagious. Pride is repulsive, but unfortunately it is also contagious.

To have a functional and successful marriage and family, we must be willing to be honest and humble people who take responsibility for our own issues. Rather than living as victims of other people’s mistakes, we can live as victors if we will take responsibility for our own problems and trust God to deal with the faults of our spouse and others.

Talk It Out | In reading this description of blame transfer, do you recognize areas in your life where this occurs? If so, talk about it honestly and openly with each other, and pray for each other as you submit these issues to God.

Walk It Out | Have a game night this week. It could be cards or checkers, bowling or miniature golf—just choose something you can play together and have fun!

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.’ James 4:6-10(NLT)

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble…Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up. (James 4:6,10)

I love this statement: “The best person does the right thing first.” Much of the destructive tit-for-tat fighting in marriages is the result of a standoff between the husband and wife. Both are doing the wrong thing—and justifying it because of the wrong their spouse is doing.

In most cases, each party believes his or her position to be the right and noble position. With jaw set and mind made up, each person is waiting for the other to do the right thing and change. The problem is both spouses have this same attitude. Thus, the proverbial “irresistible force” meets the “immovable object” and another marriage bites the dust.

That premise brings to mind a song from my childhood sung by Roger Miller, titled “Husbands and Wives”:

Two broken hearts, lonely, looking like houses where nobody lives,

Two people each having so much pride inside neither side forgives.

The angry words spoken in haste, such a waste of two lives,

It’s my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline
of a number of husbands and wives.

Those words tell a story that is sadly true and common. Pride destroys marriages. Let me repeat my opening statement: “The best person does the right thing first.” Humility is the mark of the best person. Rather than justifying wrongdoing and responding to immaturity with immaturity—humility responds with a different spirit and a higher standard.

In all my years of marriage counseling, I have seen countless scenarios where two prideful and stubborn people were at a standoff, each waiting for the other person to flinch. Many of these situations didn’t end well. My favorite stories, however, are those where a humble person stepped forward and was willing to be the redeemer of the tough situation. While even those scenarios don’t turn out well 100 percent of the time, the percentage is certainly very high.

One person doing the right thing can turn a situation around.

When you choose to do the right thing, God can use your humility and godly character as a conduit to infuse His love and power into your marriage!

Talk It Out | Is there an issue of pride that is keeping distance between you? Talk about what it is and how you can take the first steps toward closing the gap by having a humble attitude toward each other.

Walk It Out | Don’t leave the house this week without giving each other a sincere hug and kiss every morning this week. Pray a blessing over each other’s day.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans

‘But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy.’ Psalms 5:11(NLT)

‘Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.’ 1 Peter 3:3-6(NLT)

Let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; let them ever shout for joy, because you defend them. (Psalm 5:11)

Women are simply incredible, especially when it comes to relationships. When it comes to marriage, women initiate the vast majority of marriage counseling. When something is wrong with their marriages, most women seek to fix it and are much more open to getting outside help. Having said all of that, there is one major fault that most women deal with as it relates to men and marriage. The problem is fear.

Fear is the opposite of faith. It causes you to over-react to issues and to act in a manner that actually causes your fears to come true. The following Scripture from the book of 1 Peter speaks to the issue of women, marriage and fear.

Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. (1 Peter 3:3-6)

In verse six, Peter tells women that they are called to be like Sarah, Abraham’s wife (the father of faith), but they will have to overcome “terror” to be able to follow her example.

Because women are very relational and caring, the devil tries to use their strengths as his open door. When things go wrong in the home or a husband is falling short of the standard of God’s Word, women intuitively know it and want to do something about it.

There are always two choices: faith and fear.

Fear motivates you to act according to your emotions and to Try to force results. Fear magnifies a husband’s misbehavior and then prophesies to his wife gloom and doom for the future. Ultimately, it drives her to do the wrong thing and to justify what she does because she is trying to save the day.

Faith is just the opposite. Faith tells you to believe God, do the right thing, and trust Him for the results. Instead of acting on your emotions, you choose to pray and place your confidence in the Lord. According to Peter, this is the right choice for wives who want to get real results.

Talk It Out | Wives, in what area of your marriage do you sometimes react in fear instead of faith? Husbands, talk with your wife about ways you can come alongside her and help her replace her fear with faith in God.

Walk It Out | Begin planning a special weekend away from home—no children, laptops, cell phones, etc. For convenience, you can make it a place that is a short drive or flight from home, but make it a place where you can reconnect and focus on each other and your marriage.

from One: A Marriage Devotional by Jimmy Evans