Tag: Marriage That Works

‘Understand, therefore, that the Lord your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands. ‘ Deuteronomy 7:9(NLT)

‘But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him. His salvation extends to the children’s children of those who are faithful to his covenant, of those who obey his commandments!’ Psalms 103:17-18(NLT)

‘Now may the God of peace— who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood— may he equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.’ Hebrews 13:20-21(NLT)

From outward appearances and many people’s experiences, it often looks like the costs of marriage outweigh the benefits. Many people give up before they get to the payoff. From God’s perspective—and ours, if we will trust Him and align ourselves with His truth—the benefits far outweigh the costs, and we will enjoy those benefits if we embrace the true nature of the marriage covenant. 

I believe one of the greatest determiners of marital fulfillment—and one of the greatest predictors of whether you make it through the storms—is the understanding you have going into marriage. Our perspective on marriage is profoundly shaped by our upbringing, our society, and our own expectations—and it is rarely spoken or acknowledged. 

That perspective or assumption is this: Do you see marriage as a contract or a covenant? Today, marriage is viewed primarily as a contract, a social construct, an agreement we enter into with another person for mutual benefit. By contrast, Scripture defines marriage not as a contract but as a holy covenant. Those words may come across as strange or a little archaic, but your understanding of covenant is what may very well hold your marriage together during the times it may want to unravel. 

A covenant is different from a contract because it is not just an agreement; it is a sacred promise. There may be some conditions written into it—there was a lot of “if you remain faithful” language in God’s covenant with Israel—but if the terms are met, it is unbreakable. It is a solemn agreement with binding force. 

Why is this so important? Because marriage is an impossible task without a permanent commitment. If you go through marriage with an escape clause—knowing in the back of your mind that you can get out if it becomes too difficult—you may not press through to the end. The covenant functions as a glue that keeps you together through the hard times. It becomes a gift, an act of grace that protects you and gives you the freedom and security to cultivate a healthy marriage. 

In your commitment to your marriage and to your spouse, your daily goal should be incremental progress. God will meet you at any point along the way and guide you with loving encouragement, correction, and strength. Bring your willing heart to Him, receive the guidance and power He gives you, and I am confident you will experience the satisfaction and fulfillment He designed you to enjoy. 

Are there any steps you need to take or commitments you need to make to align yourself more completely with God’s design for marriage?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

‘For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.’ Ephesians 2:10(NLT)

‘So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:33(NLT)

‘Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. ‘ Hebrews 10:23(NLT)

We cannot point to any era in the past and say that was when things were done right. What we can do is point to Scripture and say that it contains the key to understanding how God created us as men and women, and that His plan for women is far better than any definition society has given us in the past. 

After Paul’s words on marriage and the responsibilities of the husband, he concludes the passage in Ephesians 5 with the wife’s response to her husband’s selfless love: “The wife must see to it that she respects her husband” (v. 33). The Greek word for “respect” in this verse comes from the root word “phobos,” from which we get our word “phobia,” but it doesn’t have the same connotation. It means reverence, not fear. 

Many women do not realize how deeply men need to feel honored and respected. A man feels loved when he is encouraged—when his wife steps into his life and communicates by words and actions, “I believe in you.” When she willingly supports and encourages his leadership, she is making a profound statement that will resonate deeply in his heart. She is acknowledging the position God has put him in and respecting his God-given role. 

When a man loses the respect of his wife, he will shut down, be passive-aggressive, bury himself in his fantasy teams or his work, and have no idea what’s going on in the hearts of his wife and children. It is devastating for a man not to be honored and respected. 

The fear of failure is one of the greatest fears every man secretly lives with. That’s one reason men are such experts at overcompensating. We focus on the things we know we can be good at, like our work or sports or hobbies. We know what we are doing there. 

Women often respond to a man’s insecurity by taking the reins of the family and trying to control their husbands and children. This ultimately sabotages the marriage. When God instructs wives to submit, it’s not because the husband is inherently better or more important, nor is it because he is necessarily more capable or qualified. A wife’s  submission to her husband builds him up and empowers him to lead. 

In what ways does a wife’s role meet her husband’s needs? What can a husband do to create a safe environment for his wife to fulfill her role?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

‘“So fear the Lord and serve him wholeheartedly. Put away forever the idols your ancestors worshiped when they lived beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt. Serve the Lord alone. But if you refuse to serve the Lord , then choose today whom you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord .”’ Joshua 24:14-15(NLT)

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. ‘ Ephesians 5:25-28(NLT)

‘Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.’ Colossians 3:19(NLT)

I believe there are three specific ways to love your wife the Ephesians 5 way that will change the nature of your relationship: (1) love her sacrificially, (2) love her intentionally, and (3) love her sensitively. The kind of love Jesus has for the church cost him something. The kind of love a husband has for his wife should cost him something too. 

One of the ways you can love your wife sacrificially is in how you demonstrate your preferences. When you choose her over the other “loves” in your life, you make a statement about her value to you. For me, a simple decision to go on a walk with my wife instead of watching a much-anticipated NBA game conveyed to her a strong since of worth and even sacrifice. I didn’t know it would have that effect, but my wife later shared how valued she felt when I chose her above watching the game, especially since she understood how much I enjoyed sports. 

Love your wife intentionally. Have you ever asked her what her dreams are? How you can help her do what she feels like God created her to do? You are not only her leader; you are also her facilitator. God has given her to you to help support you in your God-given mission in life, but loving her sacrificially means doing the same for her. One of your greatest opportunities in marriage is to purposely seek to develop your wife’s beauty and gifts and to help her grow spiritually, emotionally, and physically. 

Love your wife sensitively. Little things are important to your spouse. As you nourish and cherish her, don’t always look for the big gestures. Simple words of encouragement make a huge difference. Calling when you have no reason to call touches her in a way most men will not understand. Planning a date and working out all the arrangements makes her feel secure and loved. It’s what many women call “sensitivity.” It means being aware of what’s going on in her life and being willing to meet her there. 

If you are a man, which aspects of sacrificial love seem most challenging to you? What immediate practical steps can you take to love your wife more sacrificially, intentionally, or sensitively? If you are a woman, what attitudes and actions do you think will most help the man in your life grow into his role as the Bible defines it?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

‘Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.’ Proverbs 31:10(NLT)

‘She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.’ Proverbs 31:12(NLT)

‘So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:33(NLT)

‘You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges ; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.’ Philippians 2:5-8(NLT)

Men are in charge, and women are supposed to submit to them. It’s an age-old stereotype, isn’t it? Some have claimed this as Christian teaching. That is wrong. As we are learning, it is really a distortion of what the Bible says. It’s an abuse of Christian truth that ignores context and focuses on only a few isolated, misinterpreted phrases. Men and societies with an inflated sense of patriarchy have for centuries exploited Scripture to control women. 

The truth is that mutual submission is the background of our entire discussion of male and female roles. Both men and women look to God to say, “I’m going to submit to you and do life your way, according to your Word.” Then they turn to each other and say, “I’m going to seek your needs and your well-being above my own.” 

Marriage is never about establishing your own rights or telling your mate what he or she is supposed to do. God’s words to men are directed toward men, not toward women to use as a weapon against their men; and God’s words to women are directed toward women, not toward men to use as a weapon against their women. When each person takes the words directed specifically at them to heart, beautiful things happen. When we cross lines and direct those words at each other, we stir up conflict. 

The questions to ask your spouse are, “How can I make you more successful? How can I love you more deeply? How can I serve you well?” Those questions fit under the umbrella of mutual submission. We are given a vivid picture of it in Philippians 2:3–4: Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

This teaching is written to all members of the church at Philippi. In Christian thought, submission is not an exception or for one group of people; it is the norm. In fact, the following verses (Phil. 2:5–8) command us to have this other-centered attitude toward everyone just as Christ did. We, like Jesus, are to take up the role of servant, and applying this to the marriage relationship should not be surprising at all. 

The faith needed to submit to one another releases a powerful work of the Holy Spirit in our marriages. What is hardest for you to trust God with by submitting to your spouse?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

‘Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?’ Proverbs 20:6(NLT)

‘For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”’ Mark 10:45(NLT)

‘Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.’ 1 Peter 5:8-9(NLT)

When we look at a picture of what a real man is, we see that genuine masculinity, as defined by God, does something life-changing in the people around us. It powerfully affects a man’s wife, his children, and his friends. They become better people just by being with him. And it’s never too late to become that kind of man. 

Redefining manhood in marriage and in the home always begins with mutual submission. That’s the umbrella concept covering the entire Ephesians 5 passage about relationships. Before Paul talks about the mystery of marriage and the roles of husbands and wives, he gives an instruction that precedes every other detail: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21). 

This is really important. It provides the context for statements that trip people up when they read them in isolation. The passages that follow Ephesians 5:21 explain roles not only for husbands and wives but also for parents and children and masters and servants (which we often apply today to the workplace). The overarching attitude must be a sense of walking with God and putting other people first. 

That alone should defuse a lot of the controversy surrounding the masculine and feminine roles Scripture describes for marriage. There are roles, but they are secondary to the context of mutual submission in the relationship. 

The most important question, then, is not about who does what but about what mutual submission actually looks like. What does it really mean? 

In the original Greek, the word “submit” that is used in this verse is hupotasso, and it is often used in a military context. It is a compound word: hupo meaning “under” and tasso meaning “to be in order or rank.” It is the opposite of self-assertion. It urges subjection or submission to one another. Another way to think of it is a mutual desire to get less than one’s due. 

When both partners are engaging in mutual submission, it becomes a contest to see who can outdo the other in love and good works. Think about what that means. What would it look like to be in a relationship with your mate in which, rather than each of you trying to get your way, each of you make it a goal to get less than your due in order to serve the other’s interests? That’s a different way to approach marriage than most people experience. 

How has your definition and understanding of submission expanded after reading today’s devotional?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:21-33(NLT)

One of the clearest pictures of marriage is found in Ephesians 5:21–33, and it works for every married person, even for those who are coming out of a dysfunctional past. It tells us about the role of a husband and a wife, how they should relate to each other, and what the higher meaning of their union actually signifies. 

Still, this passage starts with a very unexpected statement: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). What is really important to keep in mind is that God’s instructions will not appear fair at first glance—until we realize the example He set for us and how the roles of husband and wife are both reflections of His extravagant love. 

First and foremost, each partner needs to understand that God is in charge of your marriage and that it should reflect His nature—His love, His concern, His radical sacrifice. It requires a selfless relationship because God is selfless. Marriage is not about fulfilling your own wants and needs; it’s about fulfilling someone else’s. If you enter into it thinking it’s about you and getting your needs met, you’re rejecting the design. We honor God and His design for marriage when we allow ourselves to be used by Him to love our spouse. This requires mutual submission to God and to each other.  And yes, it’s hard.

Second, marriage won’t work unless you learn how to love your mate not as you define love but as God defines it—and as your mate is designed to receive it. The sacrificial love evidenced in Ephesians 5 shapes our foundation for agape love. Agape love is choosing to give another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least, at great personal cost. 

Third, this passage assures us that marriage has an even bigger purpose than our own happiness. Our joy, pleasure, and fulfillment are important to God, but they are only lasting within a larger context. According to this passage, marriage is a picture of an eternal relationship between Christ and the church. That is the blueprint behind the blueprint of marriage and family. God designed family to be a stable environment for offspring and a fundamental unit of society, yes. But it flows out of the eternal relationship designed for Christ and His bride, the church. 

Most people identify a fulfilling marriage and family as something they want to experience in life.  In what areas do you find your marriage to be fulfilling? In what ways does it feel neglected?

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ‘ Genesis 2:18(NLT)

‘He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:20-24(NLT)

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12(NLT)

Best friends, passionate lovers, spiritual soul mates. That is the kind of marriage God wants for you and your mate. This is not hyperbole. It isn’t idealism. It’s a real possibility, regardless of where you and your spouse find yourselves. 

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t easy. It will require some knowledge that most people don’t have, some skills everyone can learn, and a lot of grace, which God promises to provide. It will also require setting aside some assumptions you’ve made about marriage, as well as mustering up the courage to honestly examine where your marriage is—and where you want it to be. 

Everyone has troubles; that’s just part of marriage. What you do with them makes the difference. The fundamental reason my wife and I are still together after more than four decades and have the kind of marriage I always dreamed of—still with normal struggles like every couple has—is that we learned God’s design for the marriage relationship and committed to follow it.  If you too are willing and committed, the kind of marriage I am speaking about—the kind of marriage God created for you—is completely possible. 

God has communicated what marriage is, how it works, the roles and responsibilities for husbands and wives, and why His instructions are so important. He did this not only for the sake of marriage but also for His larger, overarching plan to reveal Christ’s love to the world and His commitment to the church. That’s why our time together is so important this week and why your commitment to your marriage is essential.

In the days that follow, you will discover the power of making a covenant with your spouse. You will read some things that in today’s culture may be considered politically incorrect. But they are foundational for a husband loving his wife well and taking responsibility for his God-given assignment. You’ll read some challenging thoughts about how a wife must trust God and overcome fears of her husband’s inadequacies. Most of all, you will experience the beginnings of a spiritual, psychological, emotional, and physical oneness that you and your mate were both designed to enjoy. 

Pray and ask God to build a stronger, clearer picture of biblical marriage as you take steps in the direction He is leading you toward. And, as a place to start, just for this week, ask Him to help you set aside any unmet expectations in your marriage.

from Marriage That Works by Chip Ingram