Tag: Living a Servant Marriage

‘I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. ‘ Ephesians 3:16-17(NLT)

‘Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. ‘ 1 Thessalonians 5:23(NLT)

I want to highlight some areas of serving one’s spouse. My hope is that an idea here or there will prompt you to think or even evaluate your service to your spouse. 

I have broken down the area of serving your spouse into several areas. I followed a model of personhood that Paul, through the Holy Spirit, wrote about in 1 Thessalonians 5:23:

“May God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” 

Our spouse is above all a spirit being. At the core of him or her is a spirit that best operates if his or spirit is being fed and nourished. 

Your spouse also greatly benefits when you pray together. As a servant, you do not have to worry about this being your personality or not. It is your responsibility to attempt to connect together spiritually. Praying together daily or regularly in the presence of God and God the Father-in-Law is a blessing to Him. 

The soul of your spouse has been given to you to serve, bless, and support. You are to be part of the healing and growth, standing by him or her as as they take risks. You have the opportunity to watch your spouse discover his or her own amazingness!

Your encouragement and praise as a husband or wife can help your spouse believe in themselves. Your praise can also help your spouse take one more step toward reaching the goal they have set out to reach. Your voice can strengthen or weaken the will of your spouse, depending on whether you serve with praise or poorly by being critical. As a servant, you would do well to strengthen and encourage your spouse to use his or her will to glorify God, the Creator. 

We are spirit beings with amazing souls, and equally amazing bodies. These bodies are machines that need plenty of maintenance. We get to feed our bodies a few times a day, drink, hopefully exercise, and eventually take showers or baths to keep them maintained. 

As it relates to your spouse, talk about each of you getting a little consistent time to exercise. 

from Living a Servant Marriage

‘But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!’ Galatians 5:22-23(NLT)

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8(NLT)

‘In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.’ 2 Peter 1:5-7(NLT)

Eating is a wonderful part of our lives. I love going to restaurants that serve meals created with excellence. It does not matter if it is a burger, filet mignon, French fries, or lobster, if it is done with excellence, I really enjoy the effort, sacrifice, wisdom, and creativity it takes to serve such an item. 

Why am I talking so much about food in this marriage plan? Good question! In a marriage of several decades, you “eat” (so to speak) so much of what your spouse is serving during the marriage. 

Your spouse’s service toward you is impactful on your life but the nourishment itself can be anywhere on the spectrum, from awful—even toxic—to amazing and fortifying. The fruit from your spouse’s attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, and motivations are all foods you get served every day. 

It is our responsibility to be aware of the food we are feeding our spouses. We are also responsible for what our food says about the kind of servant we really are toward the one we said we would love, honor, and cherish. 

As I am working with a food analogy, I want to take you to a familiar scripture that also utilizes a food analogy to make its point on how we are to live a Christian life. Look at Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV): “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faith- fulness, gentleness and self-control.” 

This Holy Spirit in us bears identifiable fruit. Through the Spirit, this fruit can flow through us at any time as we allow Him to be expressed in our lives. Being a servant in your marriage is not about trying to produce a better you, but about walking in the Spirit of God, giving His fruit to your spouse. 

We are the conduits of His Spirit and His fruits toward our spouse. Remember, the conduit does not eat its own fruit. Neither does it benefit from the fruit. The tree does not eat its own fruit; others do. The fruit of the Spirit is to be served to our spouses so they can experience God’s fruit in our lives. 

I know it might sound ambitious, but we can move toward the goal of giving good fruit or food to our spouse—the kind of fruit that comes from the Spirit and nourishes them. An intentionally well-fed spouse is in better condition than one not fed on a regular basis. 

from Living a Servant Marriage

‘For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps.’ 1 Peter 2:21(NLT)

‘Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.’ Ephesians 5:1-2(NLT)

‘You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am. And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you. I tell you the truth, slaves are not greater than their master. Nor is the messenger more important than the one who sends the message. Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them.’ John 13:13-17(NLT)

As Christians, the ultimate goal of our entire lives is to be like Jesus. To walk, talk, believe, feel, and be like Jesus in our daily life—this is our inner ambition. This ambition is also shared with the Holy Spirit. As God, He comes into us for the sole purpose of creating the nature of Christ in us. 

Decade after decade, marriage provides ample opportunities to be Christlike. After all, ultimately, that is the Father’s primary objective for marriage—to make us Christlike. Have you ever wondered why you are married to someone quite different from you? This is not meant to irritate us, but rather to kill our flesh and help us become Christlike as we die in the process of loving this amazing being; our spouse. 

Now, if we are going to be like Jesus, especially in our marriage (the true testing ground for our faith, beliefs, and what truly lurks in our hearts), we need to really understand the servant nature and calling of Jesus. 

Jesus, just like Adam and Jeremiah (and you and I), had a calling and purpose created before we were created. You and I were created and given life to solve a problem here on earth. We have a destiny to touch lives in our time zone in world history. Some of us find our purpose from the Father, some fight it, some never seek it, and sadly, some die without achieving their purpose. 

You will be crucified in marriage, not literally, but your flesh will die. As you die, you are blessed; and not only you, but your spouse, children, fellow church members, friends, and your community. All can be touched by you becoming more Christlike through the process called marriage. Just remember, God created this process and He is glorified through your life of service. 

Being a servant in a marriage is the only way to be great in a marriage. Serving one’s spouse kills selfishness and self-centeredness—what we call our “flesh.” By dying to ourselves in marriage, we prepare ourselves for the selfless task of parenting. In conferences I kiddingly say, “What God cannot kill in you in your marriage, He’ll allow your children to finish off.” I think marriage is an awesome opportunity to die. Serving is all about voluntarily dying to our preferences and growing in honor and appreciation of our spouses. 

Optimally, it is best when both spouses in a marriage understand their calling to serve. When this happens, children get to see two different personalities serving each other. This is the most beautiful and healthy way for your children to grow up. 

from Living a Servant Marriage

‘But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.’ 1 John 4:8(NLT)

‘Honor your father and mother. Love your neighbor as yourself.’”’ Matthew 19:19(NLT)

Marriage is the beauty of God making a trinity on earth as it is in heaven. God was making a three-faced servant-being on earth to multiply trinities, raise children, and glorify His name. 

This trinity idea is no minor thought on marriage. Marriage being a trinity between God, man, and woman is what separates a Christian definition of marriage from every version or perversion of marriage any culture or individual can decide upon. 

From a Christian perspective, marriage is not and never has been between a man and a woman. A Christian marriage, as shown in Genesis 1 and 2, is between God, a man, and a woman. 

In this trinity of marriage, we humans are equal in value. One does not rule over the other. A man is not a king in the triune marriage—God is. If a man thinks he can be king over an all-knowing, all-powerful God, he may be suffering from a delusion of grandeur. 

God is a real caring person in your marriage. Have you ever thought about how God feels as a member of your marriage? Do you think God feels wanted, pursued, loved, honored, considered, and engaged in your marriage? Or do you think God feels unwanted, disrespected, and silenced in your marriage? God does have feelings. How does he feel in your marriage? Answering this question as a couple can really open your eyes to the amazing first person in your marriage. 

I want to talk to you about the two relationships you both have with God in your marriage. I will start with the one with which it is likely you are most familiar: God as your Father. You have an all-knowing, all-powerful God as your dad. In my life, He and I have faced many things, and I love learning about Him in my day-to-day life. 

Then there comes a second relationship you have with God when you are in a triune marriage. This relationship is not with God as Father, but rather, with God as your Father-in-law. God is the one who created, birthed, and matured your spouse—the same God who brought he or she into your life to be your spouse. Your spouse is God’s favorite son or daughter, so this makes you a son-in-law to His favored daughter or a daughter-in-law to His favored son. 

You are not just a son or daughter of God. You are a son-in-law or daughter of God. You are a daughter-in-law or son of God as well. When you marry, you have two relationships with God; one as a son or daughter and one as a son-in-law or daughter-in-law. 

This is an important concept to recognize. How do you think God feels toward you as an in-law? Do you think He is proud of you? Is He encouraged and thankful that He gave your spouse to you to love?

 

Many people never think of the all-knowing, ever-present, all-powerful God as their Father-in-law. Never forget – He sees all the thoughts and behaviors you have toward your spouse, whether you are with them or absent from them. 

from Living a Servant Marriage

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.’ Genesis 2:18-25(NLT)

‘He sat down, called the twelve disciples over to him, and said, “Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else.”’ Mark 9:35(NLT)

Adam had to undergo a miraculous process of becoming a servant before he was gifted a woman and a marriage. 

God was moving him from just meeting his own personal needs to also meet the needs of others. Adam was not in the Garden for himself. He was created to serve—to serve others. Though Adam had a mature body, he was not as mature as the Father who lived a servant lifestyle in heaven with the Son and Holy Spirit. So, just as any father starts his child out with simple and then increasingly complex tasks as the child develops, the Father began creating the DNA of a servant in Adam the only way it can be created; by serving. 

Adam had to accept responsibility for the needs of the animals all day long. People also have needs all day long, whether at work or home. It was vitally important for Adam to see the needs of others as opportunities to serve; not as impositions or inconveniences that would keep him from doing what he thought he might be entitled to do at any given moment. 

These needs were brought to Adam every day, day after day, for a very long time. Serving was not just what Adam did, it was becoming who he was. 

Through a process, God was imparting to Adam the ability to be responsible with the needs and identities of those around him. This was training to prepare Adam for the final stages of God’s creation; a woman, and then marriage. 

This servant process is so critical. Had Adam not become a servant prior to marriage, he would have been totally ill-equipped to handle the needs of a woman, the needs of marriage, and the needs of a family. This foundational training is what God knows we need to be successful in marriage. 

If we come at our marriage to be served instead of to serve the other person, we are setting ourselves up for significant, unnecessary pain. If a man or woman is not a servant, he or she is not ready for marriage. If there is not a servant at the very core of who you are, you have totally missed why you are here on planet Earth, and why you are married and received a family. Each responsibility is designed to expand your ability and capacity to serve with excellence and a great attitude. 

“But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man” (Genesis 2:21-22, NIV). 

from Living a Servant Marriage

‘Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. ‘ 1 John 3:18(NLT)

‘And I have been a constant example of how you can help those in need by working hard. You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ”’ Acts of the Apostles 20:35(NLT)

‘Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.”’ Luke 6:38(NLT)

Just as we have a calling to a vocation and/or ministry, many of us have a calling to marriage. If marriage is part of your calling, it is important to understand it if you intend to grow in it. Without understanding the call to be married, you will look at marriage mostly through secular lenses and focus your evaluation of the marriage on how happy you are, and not on how well you are serving your spouse. 

Here is just a little bit more about calling. When you answer your cell phone, it has a cool feature on it that tells you who is calling (if you have them in your contacts list). It is important to know who is calling you. When anyone is called to a vocation, ministry, or marriage (and so on), who does the calling? God. 

God, the Almighty, the awesome, all-knowing, all-present, all-powerful Creator is the one who calls you into salvation, ministry, vocation, and yes—He alone has called you into marriage. He alone is the one to whom you will answer for the quality of service toward your spouse. He alone will move you into various stages of preparation and progress as you pass through the various adventures of marriage. 

It is God who has called me to serve Lisa. She alone is my first ministry—above my children (as wonderful as they are), any public ministry or vocation or responsibility, my house responsibilities, workouts, hobbies, or adventures. The only calling above ministry to Lisa is my ministry to love and serve my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

Now I will be up front; I am not perfect. However, anyone who knows me knows I am committed. During my education, parenting, or working I made no excuses not to date Lisa, assist around the house, or to help the kids with homework, because this is my calling. Every cell in my body accepts that I am called to be a servant to Lisa. 

Accepting my role as a servant (and the ongoing revelations of what that means) has been a journey of growth, repentance, and expansion of my servant heart toward Lisa. I started off young, immature, selfish, impatient, and unkind—like many married people do. Today, I accept my role as a servant. I am called to serve, period. 

from Living a Servant Marriage

‘So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.”’ Genesis 1:27-28(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ‘ Ephesians 4:2-3(NLT)

‘For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 5:22-23(NLT)

A servant marriage is a response to the calling we all already received the moment we said, “I do.” All the courting, dating, emotional intimacy, quality time, and resources culminated into the primary lifelong relationship we call marriage. 

For some, years or decades may have passed since they received their calling to be married to the one with whom they would be given the privilege of serving alongside on their journey called life. However, in current culture, many couples are getting a quite different result from the happily ever after we have all heard about. Some feel alone or merely tolerated in marriage. Others feel unappreciated or exploited. Still others feel stuck or trapped “until death do us part.” Marriage challenges Christians, and some do not make it—their marriages end in divorce. 

How is it that so many start the race of marriage, but growing numbers of them do not cross the finish line of “until death do us part”? As a Christian counselor working with couples in distress for several decades, I have learned quite a bit over time as I see brave couples address their wounds, bad ideas, unproductive practices and attitudes, and move toward picking up new ideas to change their marriages for the better. 

One of these new ideas is learning that they are servants in their marriage and are responsible for how they believe and behave, and that they will stand before the Lord and give an account of how well they served their spouse—not how well they got served. 

Sometimes it helps to start something new with the end in mind. In the end, I will be accountable to God for how I served my wife. I believe this is a major evaluation point for my whole life. It is as if, in my spirit, I know that one of the major questions in heaven will be, “How well did you treat my daughter, Lisa?” Having this question on my final exam, so to speak, helps me decide how good of a grade I want from God in response to serving my wife, Lisa. 

For more many decades, Lisa and Jesus have poured a lot into me about becoming a servant. 

I want to expose you to the heart of serving. My hope is that, as you work through this plan, you will hear and reflect on these words on a daily basis, “Well done good and faithful servant.” This relates to the amazing servant you have been toward your spouse.

from Living a Servant Marriage