Tag: Infidelity: Road To Recovery

‘“But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.’ Isaiah 43:18-19(NLT)

Author Thomas Wolfe became famous for telling the world that You Can’t Go Home Again. In an excerpt from his novel by the same name he says, “[Death is] to lose the earth you know for greater knowing; to lose the life you have, for greater life; to leave the friends you loved, for greater loving; to find a land more kind than home, more large than earth.” In those few words, whether he knew it or not, Wolfe was setting forth the biblical concept of resurrection. The world may be broken and fallen, but hope does not lie in the direction of an imaginary return to the Garden. The only way out of the human dilemma is forward — through the darkness of death and defeat and out into the light of a brand-new day.

Here at Focus on the Family we hear from couples every day whose marriages have been rocked by adversity. Many have endured an affair. Others have suffered from abuse or addiction. But the common thread running through all these scenarios is the challenge of reconciling when your relationship has been torn in two.

If you’re facing that kind of challenge, don’t forget about the resurrection principle. Ultimately, it’s the only way out of your difficulties. Troubled couples who don’t understand this often fall into the trap of trying to recapture the feelings they had for one another back in the “good old days,” before everything went wrong. It seems reasonable. In the face of conflict, people tend to gravitate backward toward something familiar and predictable.
But that can actually complicate the healing process. It’s like moving back into the home where you grew up as a child. Certain things will be familiar, but it will never feel exactly like it did when you were a kid. You’re older and see the world through different eyes now.

In the same way, there’s no way to go back to the time before your marriage nearly collapsed. Instead, the best plan is to get beyond it by directing your energy toward creating a “new normal.” Rather than sweeping problems under a rug and pretending they never happened, learn to heal the wounds and create a new life. It can be tough to face the pain, but you’ll come out stronger on the other side if you try. And the Good News is that, with God’s help, you can do it through faith in Jesus Christ; for as the apostle Paul assures us, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Road To Recovery, Where To Start

‘But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.”’ Luke 9:62(NLT)

The Christian life, said Jesus to one of His would-be disciples, is an all-or-nothing proposition. It’s not for the half-hearted or partially committed. If you want it, you’ve got to grab for it with both fists. You’ve got to jump in with both feet — no reservations, no holds barred. It’s exactly the same with marriage. And this idea of total commitment becomes doubly important when it’s a matter of saving and restoring a marriage that has been shattered by infidelity.

If that’s your situation — if you and your spouse are having difficulty living under the same roof because one of you has broken trust and violated the marital covenant by becoming involved in an extramarital affair — things probably look pretty bleak to you right now. At a moment like this, it’s easy to start thinking about throwing in the towel. Yet, believe it or not, this isn’t the time to give up hope! You can turn things around. But to do it successfully, you’ll have to immerse yourself in a process of recovery — not just dabble with it.

Gardening provides a good illustration of this principle. Seeds will never germinate and grow if you simply dip them into a patch of dirt every so often. The gardener can’t become impatient and give up on a seed if it doesn’t push through the soil after a day or two. On the contrary, a seed is transformed into a thriving plant when you plunge it deep into the soil, leave it there for a long time, and allow the process of sun, light, and water to take its course.

A troubled marriage isn’t much different. You can’t heal a broken relationship overnight or with an occasional visit to a counselor. Struggling couples must throw themselves into the process of recovery lock, stock, and barrel if they want to rekindle the spark of real love and romance. They’ve got to give helpful resources time to breathe life back into their foundering relationship.

Here’s the bottom line: even under the worst of circumstances — even when a marriage has been ripped from top to bottom by the pain of infidelity — willing couples can turn almost any situation around. It has happened time and time again. But to achieve this goal, you have to seek God’s help in prayer, commit yourself to the influence of knowledgeable, helpful people, and do the hard work that needs to be done.

from Infidelity: Road To Recovery, Where To Start

‘Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. ‘ 1 John 4:18(NLT)

Few marital problems are as devastating as infidelity. An affair doesn’t simply break marital trust, it shatters it. For a believer, this can even translate into a crisis of faith in the broadest sense of the word. After all, if you can’t have confidence in the person who promised to stay faithful “till death do you part,” how can you have confidence in anyone — including God Himself? This is a complicated and multi-layered issue for the Christian. That’s because there’s a very real sense in which fear and anxiety cannot co-exist with faith and trust. In the uncertain aftermath that follows an affair, it’s essential to push past the human betrayal and find a place of rest in the security of God’s faithfulness and sovereign care.

Victims of an affair often feel an overwhelming sense of suspicion toward their spouse. Everything is interpreted through the lens of betrayal — their spouse’s choice of clothing, their phone conversations, even the slightest deviation from their daily routine. In fact, the feelings of doubt can be so compelling, that many spouses will check in on their partner repeatedly throughout the day in an attempt to monitor their every move.

To someone who has been emotionally devastated, such behavior seems rational. It’s an attempt to take charge of circumstances that seem wildly out of his or her control. The trouble is, it doesn’t strengthen a person. It actually weakens him.

Tracking your spouse’s every movement will keep you trapped in a cycle of fear and suspicion, which will only drive you into deeper depression and higher levels of stress. This doesn’t mean, however, that you should give your spouse carte blanche for the future or dismiss the need for healthy accountability. In fact, the guilty party must be willing and agreeable to reasonable measures of accountability. Real healing and reconciliation can’t occur unless he or she is ready to be open and aboveboard about all their comings and goings and social interactions. Trust may be restored if accountability is maintained over a long period of time, but not otherwise. That’s just the way it is.

If you’re in this situation, the thought of releasing control of your spouse may seem terrifying. But in reality, there is only one person you can control: you. That’s not to mention that, ultimately, there is only one Person you can trust: God. Somehow or other, you have to get to the point where you can leave your spouse and your marriage in His hands. Coming to terms with these truths can only strengthen you. And as you gain strength, you will be able to devote more energy to moving forward in life with dignity and healing — and hopefully save your marriage in the process.

from Infidelity: Road To Recovery, Where To Start

‘For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. ‘ Philippians 4:13(NLT)

If your marriage seems dead, you may believe there’s no hope of bringing it back to life. But sometimes the willingness to try is all you need. If you can take that first small step in the right direction, God will meet you more than half way. He promises to hear and answer if you “call upon Him in the day of trouble” (Psalm 50:15).

Ten years into their marriage, comedian Jeff Allen and his wife Tami were on the rocks. A decade of alcoholism, rage, and non-stop conflict had killed their relationship. Things got so bad that Tami refused to face Jeff when he tried to talk to her. “I’m so hurt and angry,” she told him, “I can’t stand to look at you anymore.”

It was a devastating moment. Jeff and Tami had gone from “I do” to “I can’t even look at you.” Sadly, it’s a similar story in many marriages today. Unresolved anger eats away at the passion and commitment that once brought the couple together.

Fortunately, Jeff and Tami’s story doesn’t end there. With the Lord’s help, they found the strength to take one small step toward reconciliation. It didn’t change their feelings or their relationship right away. But it did something else: it enabled them to take the next small step, then another, and another. It took time, but they kept moving forward and were able to find healing and renew their love for one another.

If you’re in that situation, you may feel like there’s no hope. But the willingness to take even the smallest of steps can pull your marriage out of the ashes.

from Infidelity: Road To Recovery, Where To Start

‘The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.’ Joel 2:25(NLT)

The God of the Bible is the God of new beginnings. “Behold, I make all things new,” He says in Revelation 21:5; and John, the writer of the book, testifies to the truth of this claim by declaring, “I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea” (Revelation 21:1). This last statement is more significant than it may seem at first glance: to the Hebrew mind, the sea was a symbol of turmoil, division, darkness, destruction, and everything that threatens the happiness and well-being of mankind.

Has your marriage been the scene of turmoil and division? Have you and your spouse experienced conflict, perhaps even to the point of a serious breakdown in your relationship? Has trust been shattered as the result of an extramarital affair? If so, you need to hear the Good News that God can restore the years the locust has eaten and put the broken pieces of your marriage back together again.

If this sounds hard to believe, consider the case of the “Rollstone Boulder.” Fitchburg, Massachusetts is home to this 110-ton mass of rock. It was a prominent landmark in the area for centuries. So when quarrying threatened to topple the ten-foot-tall boulder from its summit, townspeople made up their minds to save it — with dynamite! Between 1929 and 1930, they blew it up by increments and moved all 110 tons of granite to the town common. And then? Then they pieced it back together again! It was a long, painstaking process, but to the people of Fitchburg it was worth it. Folks couldn’t imagine this landmark not being a part of their community, so they went to great lengths to preserve it.

Some marital problems can be resolved with nothing more than chocolate and an apology. But for many marriages, conflict is so severe and the wounds so deep it feels like dynamite has blown it to pieces. Unfortunately, couples in that situation often believe there’s no hope to repair the damage that’s been done. But, quite often, these relationships can be healed. It’ll likely take the expertise of a professional counselor. And, yes, it’ll require a lot of hard work. But the important things in life usually do.

If your marriage seems shattered beyond repair, don’t give up hope too quickly. There may still be a chance for you and your spouse to find healing and restoration.

For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Road To Recovery, Where To Start