Tag: Infidelity: Road To Recover

‘“But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone hung around your neck. ‘ Mark 9:42(NLT)

Children, says Jesus, occupy a special place in the heart of God. Accordingly, to place a stumbling-block of any kind in the way of a child is a particularly egregious offense within the economy of His kingdom.

This is just one of many reasons parents have to be extremely careful about the way they explain spousal infidelity to their children, especially when the affair results in marital separation or divorce. If you find yourself in this situation, ask the Lord to give you wisdom before you attempt to broach the subject with your kids. A great deal depends on their age, of course, but the fact remains that the confusion children experience as a result of such circumstances can have a devastating impact upon them for the rest of their lives.

It’s important to be honest with your kids about what’s going on — as honest and as forthright as you can be in view of their respective ages and capacity to understand. If you try to hide the truth from them, you’ll only compound the problem. But you also need to approach the issue with great sensitivity and care.

Using age-appropriate language, sit down with your children and tell them that Mommy and Daddy haven’t been getting along, and that Daddy has made some bad choices that are hurting the family. Resist the temptation to badmouth your spouse — you don’t want to alienate him even further from the kids. If they ask about the other woman, give them a straightforward answer and explain that it makes you very sad that their father has moved in with her. Most importantly, reassure them of your love and make it clear that you understand how painful this situation is for them.

As you have opportunities, encourage your children to be open about their sadness and anger, but don’t permit them to engage in aggressive or destructive behavior. Writing and journaling are good emotional outlets for older kids. Younger children sometimes find it helpful to express their feelings by drawing pictures.

For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Road To Recover, Next Steps

‘“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ‘ Matthew 5:27-28(NLT)

When Jesus asserted that, in the final analysis, there is no real difference between a lustful thought and a sexual act, He was doing more than making a theological statement. To be sure, He was saying that sin is primarily an issue of the heart. But He was also demonstrating remarkable insight into the psychological dimension of infidelity. Among other things, He was suggesting that the process of betrayal, pain, and relational breakdown can be set in motion without the outward act.

It’s crucial to understand this principle if your spouse has been involved in an emotional affair. In particular, you will want to bear it in mind as you begin the process of reconciling and rebuilding your marriage. There’s actually a great deal of overlap between sexual and non-sexual affairs in terms of their relational fallout and the steps a couple needs to take in order to deal with the aftermath. You need to be careful, then, not to minimize the destructive potential of an affair simply because there was no sex involved.

There are some important differences, of course — differences that have to do mainly with the physical and medical consequences of sexual intercourse, including the possibility of pregnancy or of acquiring a sexually transmitted infection (STI). Obviously, a pair involved in a sexual liaison will have some tough decisions to make if a child is conceived. They should also be tested for STI’s (their respective spouses should be tested as well, in case an infection has been passed on to them). This point deserves to be underscored, since many pastors and counselors neglect to mention it in the midst of sorting out the moral and psychological implications of marital unfaithfulness.

If an unfaithful spouse has come into contact with sexually transmitted infections, both he and his mate will want to know about it as soon as possible. If he has contracted an STI, this could have huge implications for the sexual dimension of their relationship for the rest of their lives. This is a matter of special concern to a faithful wife, since some of these infections can lie dormant in a woman’s body for a long time before manifesting any symptoms. It’s in everybody’s best interests to bring the facts to light at the earliest opportunity — before there’s time for further damage to be incurred.

We should add that comparison can also become a serious problem for couples who are attempting to put their marriage back together after a sexual affair. Only with great difficulty will the offended spouse be able to resist the temptation to imagine the details. Nagging questions like “Exactly what did you do?” or “Where did it happen?” may haunt her day and night. The guilty party will have to be extremely careful with his responses. On the one hand, honesty and transparency are crucial to the process of rebuilding trust. On the other hand, visual imagery could become lodged in the faithful spouse’s mind and end up wreaking emotional havoc for years to come. The goal is to be truthful without offering unnecessarily graphic details.

These, then, are some of the unique challenges associated with sexual infidelity. But having given them the attention they deserve, we should hasten to return to the point that, in most cases, the damage inflicted by an affair is not dependent upon the presence of sexual activity. On the contrary, the physical repercussions of sex are probably the least important aspects of an affair’s aftermath. The emotional and psychological sides of the problem are often of far greater consequence, and can also be more difficult to resolve. If your spouse has been involved with someone else on a purely emotional rather than a sexual level, this does not mean that you will find it any easier to get over your feelings of betrayal. On the contrary, there’s a long road ahead, and it will require a lot of hard work, discipline, patience, and understanding on the part of both spouses.

How do you get started? We’d suggest that you and your spouse think in terms of working your way through the following five steps:

1) Assume responsibility. When marital unfaithfulness has occurred, one of the most important elements of the reconciliation process — perhaps the most important element — is a willingness on the part of the offending spouse to take responsibility for his actions and face up to the real-life consequences of the mistakes he has made. Those consequences can assume a number of shapes and show up on several different levels — physical, emotional, and psychological. The two of you can’t expect to put your marriage back together unless you’re prepared to deal with all of them.

2) Communicate and listen. One of the consequences you’ll have to face is the difficulty of bringing your thoughts and feelings out into the open. Don’t be afraid to confront this obstacle squarely and with courage. Hard as it may be, the two of you desperately need to talk about the events that have taken place and grapple honestly with what they are likely to mean for your relationship, both present and future. As part of the process of repentance, the offending spouse must be willing to listen to his partner’s pain and anger.

3) Make a clean break. It’s vital that the unfaithful spouse put an end to any and all contact with his partner in the affair. Husband and wife should embrace solidarity and show a united front in this regard. In other words, they should confront the other party together and let him or her know that it is over. That way there won’t be any room for secrecy, intrigue, or misunderstanding in the future. For safety and other reasons, we recommend that this take place over the telephone with the offending spouse making it clear that all future contact will cease.

4) Seek counseling. We highly recommend that you and your spouse initiate a rigorous course of therapy with a trained and qualified Christian counselor. A good counselor can help you uncover any unresolved issues in your relationship and get to the bottom of whatever it was that led to the affair in the first place.

5) Maintain accountability. The guilty party must agree to make himself accountable to his spouse. Through his actions he has forfeited a degree of his personal freedom. Real healing and reconciliation can’t occur unless he’s ready to be open and aboveboard about all of his comings and goings and social interactions. That includes granting his partner access to his cell phone, his Facebook account, and all of his online activities. Trust may be restored if accountability is maintained over a long period of time, but not otherwise.

That’s just the way it is.

As you move through this process, be aware of the hurdles and pitfalls you’re likely to encounter along the way. Keep in mind that, to a great extent, the success of your efforts will depend upon the history of your marriage, your personalities, and the cumulative effects of all your past hurts and conflicts. If you’ve ever experienced another betrayal of any kind, you can expect that memory to rise to the surface and complicate your current difficulties. The tendency is to wrap up all the struggles and frustrations of your entire married life and “dump” them on top of the affair.

To put it another way, the presence of this very large and legitimate grievance will tempt you to give yourself “permission” to complain about every slight offense of which your spouse has ever been guilty. This is especially true in the case of a woman, since she is usually more relational in temperament.

But men may also struggle with these feelings, and their pain may be all the more acute due to the fact that most of them don’t have a strong emotional “support network.” Counseling will help you avoid these traps and snares.

from Infidelity: Road To Recover, Next Steps

‘Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.’ Hebrews 10:36(NLT)

Patience is one of the most precious jewels in the entire treasury of Christian virtues. It’s valuable in almost every situation, but it becomes particularly important when we’re trying to get back into the good graces of a person we’ve offended in some way.

If you’ve been the guilty party in an affair, don’t get discouraged if your spouse finds it hard to forgive you right away — even if you’ve repented and expressed a sincere desire to rebuild the relationship. Simply realizing and acknowledging your own failure is a huge step in the right direction, of course — there are many people who find it extremely difficult to humble themselves in this way, especially in a marital situation. But that doesn’t mean that you can expect to achieve complete reconciliation overnight. If you’re feeling bogged down, take heart: you’re on the right track. If you’ve confessed your faults to your spouse and he or she is still having a hard time coming to terms, there are some things you can do to help.

In the first place, you can recognize that forgiveness is a process. It ebbs and flows; it starts, stops, and starts again; it gets better and gets worse. No matter what the issue that caused the hurt, forgiveness is usually more than just a one-shot decision. Understand that it may take time for your mate to forgive you. If he or she seems to struggle with or dwell on what you did, that doesn’t necessarily amount to a refusal to forgive. Sights, sounds, and memories can trigger painful episodes. If you’re impatient or inconsiderate, it will only cause more hurt.

You should also bear in mind that fear can be a barrier to forgiveness. Fear often blocks mercy. There are at least three kinds of fear that may be making it difficult for your spouse to complete the process of forgiveness.

First, he or she may be afraid of losing control or power. If this is the case, you can help your mate let go of the need for control by demonstrating your trustworthiness and showing that you understand the seriousness of what you’ve done. Let your spouse see that you have to live with the consequences every day. Assure him or her regularly that you’ve learned a great deal about how deeply your actions have affected the marriage. Show how you’re taking steps to prevent the mistake from occurring again.

Second, your partner may fear being unable to punish the wrongdoing. Maybe your spouse is still in the anger stage and wants you to experience some of the hurt he or she has felt. You must be patient during this stage of the process, whether your mate is right or wrong. Pray for your spouse. Ask God to reveal your broken heart and your desire to make things right. If you’re humble about it, he or she may eventually begin to wonder, Why can’t I forgive? What payoff am I getting out of withholding forgiveness? Questions like these often lead to healing, but it takes time.

Third, it’s possible that your mate is afraid of forgetting what occurred. You can deal with this by helping your spouse understand that you don’t expect him or her not to remember what happened. That’s impossible. Explain that you simply look forward to the day when he or she will no longer be so deeply affected by your actions, and to the opportunity of proving your commitment to make your marriage healthy again. Be as understanding as possible. Impatience will only underline the suspicion that you don’t care about your partner’s struggles.

Throughout this process, make a special effort to be honest with yourself. It’s easy to blame your spouse for failing to forgive when you’re confident that your heart is genuinely remorseful. But there’s a need here for constant self-examination. Keep checking your own attitude and actions. Ask questions like, What exactly caused the hurt in the first place? What behaviors or attitudes do I hold on to that cause more hurt? How do I plan to make the necessary changes? What might God be showing me through my spouse’s inability to forgive?

If necessary, ask a professional counselor or a more mature Christian to help you and your spouse through the process. You might be surprised to learn how many people you respect have actually walked this path before you.
For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Road To Recover, Next Steps

‘Then the Lord said to me, “Go and love your wife again, even though she commits adultery with another lover. This will illustrate that the Lord still loves Israel, even though the people have turned to other gods and love to worship them. ”’ Hosea 3:1(NLT)

Of all the strange assignments God handed out to the prophets of the Old Testament, Hosea’s was perhaps the most bizarre: he was instructed to marry a promiscuous woman and then to forgive her and bear with her, time and time again, as she became involved in a long series of infidelities and adulterous affairs. The reason? The Lord wanted Hosea — and the rest of the Israelites — to understand what it was like for Him to continue loving His wayward people in spite of their long history of unfaithfulness. He was trying to show them, by means of an illustration drawn from real life, that “if we are faithless, He remains faithful; for He cannot deny Himself” (2 Timothy 2:13).

If your marriage has suffered the shock of multiple affairs, it’s worth bearing Hosea’s example in mind. Recovering from infidelity is always a long and involved process, but it’s even more difficult if your spouse has been unfaithful more than once throughout your history together. Sadly enough, there are some spouses who display a tendency to cheat, get caught, express remorse, and make promises of reform only to fall into the same pattern again and again after the marriage has returned to “normal.” If this is your situation, and if you really want to repair your marriage in a meaningful and lasting way, you need to do everything you can to break this pattern.

Not surprisingly, many victims of multiple affairs are individuals of a very forgiving nature. If that’s you, you need to consider the possibility that the forgiveness you’ve offered your spouse in the past may have been too quick and superficial. Remember, real forgiveness has to go deeper than mere words. You can only forgive to the extent that you honestly acknowledge the seriousness of the offense and face up to the intensity of the pain that it has caused you. You cannot forgive an affair in a week or a month — maybe not even in a year. It takes time and vulnerability to understand how profoundly infidelity wounds a marriage and a family.

It’s also critical that you require a true change of behavior from your spouse. There’s a big difference between a person who is remorseful because he got caught and one who genuinely accepts responsibility for his horrendous behavior. The problem is that it’s difficult to tell the difference between the two right up front. That kind of discernment usually has to be developed through a long process of tears, pain, and broken promises.
If your spouse has been unfaithful again, it’s time to move beyond a simple, superficial “I forgive you.” The situation won’t improve unless he or she takes steps to prove to you that things are going to be different this time around. That’s going to take a lot of hard work.

Among other things, it will require that the two of you get into marital counseling. If your spouse is willing to work through the issues that led to his or her bad decisions in the first place, and if he or she is ready to abide by the boundaries that a qualified marriage counselor helps you establish together, you can feel hopeful that you’re on the right track. Whatever you do, don’t fall back into the old patterns of the past. Marriages do survive infidelity, even multiple affairs. Just remember that substantial change is not easy and will require a dedicated effort from both of you.

from Infidelity: Road To Recover, Next Steps

‘But now I said to them, “You know very well what trouble we are in. Jerusalem lies in ruins, and its gates have been destroyed by fire. Let us rebuild the wall of Jerusalem and end this disgrace!” Then I told them about how the gracious hand of God had been on me, and about my conversation with the king. They replied at once, “Yes, let’s rebuild the wall!” So they began the good work.’ Nehemiah 2:17-18(NLT)

If you and your spouse are struggling to put your marriage back together after walking through the pain and devastation of infidelity, take heart. Remember that, with God’s help, Nehemiah and his compatriots were enabled to accomplish the near-impossible: after sixty years in exile, they returned to Judah and rebuilt the wall of Jerusalem out of a pile of scorched rubble. In the same way, you can restore trust, confidence, and mutual affection to your relationship by relying on God’s loving kindness and making a solid commitment to the task at hand. It’s never too late to start over if both of you are humble, patient, and gracious in your dealings with one another.

Must bear in mind that there are no quick solutions to the problem you’re facing. The affair that shattered your marriage probably wasn’t an isolated event. In all likelihood, it was simply the last step in a hundred-step process. It took years to dismantle your relationship, and you can’t expect to rebuild it in a single day. Restoring trust takes time. It’s a process that requires both an accurate understanding and an appropriate application of the principle of forgiveness. But you can’t begin to move in this direction until you know what the words trust and forgiveness really mean.

Trust is something that has to be earned. It’s a mistake to assume that a person is worthy of trust simply because he’s expressed remorse and you’ve offered him forgiveness. That’s just the beginning. Trust can be broken fairly quickly, but the restoration process can be lengthy and tedious. This is especially true when there has been an affair. Infidelity is an offense that cuts right to the heart of a marriage.

When you’ve been wounded this deeply, it’s difficult to trust again unless you can see tangible evidence that things are going to be different in the future. So if you’re the spouse taking the initiative to restore the relationship, look for change and insist on seeing it implemented before moving forward. At the same time, don’t make unrealistic demands. Depending on the seriousness of the offense, you might reasonably expect the following responses from your partner:

1) A willingness to take personal responsibility for the damage done without shifting blame or adopting evasive tactics.
2) A determination to come up with a precise and definitive plan designed to prevent further offenses.
3) A commitment to join you in seeking Christian counseling. This would include an active resolve to sort through all problematic issues and to make all the necessary changes.
4) Patience and forbearance in allowing the wounded spouse the time necessary to heal without undue pressure.

Forgiveness, too, is a frequently misunderstood concept. Many people seem to believe that forgiving means one of the following:

1) Condoning or excusing the offense.
2) Forgetting past abuses or injustices.
3) Minimizing or justifying negative behavior.
4) Immediately trusting the offender again.
By way of contrast, true biblical forgiveness is not a matter of overlooking offenses or sweeping them under the rug. Instead it means:
1) Giving up unhealthy anger which is often expressed as bitterness, spite, rage, the “silent treatment,” or revenge.
2) Turning both the offender and the offense over to God for His righteous judgment.
3) Making a commitment to work through the issues together until the root causes of the problem have been identified and resolved.
4) Actively rebuilding the relationship, brick by brick, on a foundation of solid trust.

Remember: forgiveness is not optional for the Christian. God requires that you forgive your spouse — “for if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:15). So “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). If this is a struggle for you, begin by asking the Lord to help you in those areas where you’re finding it difficult to forgive. Sin is the obvious reason we hurt each other, but it isn’t always easy to get to the practical heart of the matter. For helpful insight into this aspect of the problem, we’d highly recommend that you and your spouse get a copy of R.T. Kendall’s excellent book Total Forgiveness and study it from cover to cover.

from Infidelity: Road To Recover, Next Steps

‘I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.’ Psalms 40:1-2(NLT)

Infidelity can have a devastating impact upon a marriage. When there are children in the home, it has the potential to shatter the whole family and leave lifelong scars. So painful are its effects that many men and women who have been betrayed by a spouse never find it in their hearts to forgive or to make the slightest effort to save the relationship. But for those who are willing to work toward reconciliation, the good news is that miracles can happen. God listens to those who call out to Him for help, and He will establish your steps and set your feet upon the rock if you and your spouse make up your minds to move forward in dependence upon His grace.

If you find yourself in this position, take hold of hope and try to make the most of the opportunities God brings your way. You can begin by getting into counseling — you and your spouse. The first item of business is to work through the issues in your marriage that made it vulnerable to infidelity in the first place. A trained counselor can help examine your relationship and determine which areas need to be shored up. If you don’t perform this part of the process with great care, unresolved problems will only resurface later. Once you’ve dealt with these marital issues, it’s critical that your children join you in counseling. They too have emotional baggage to unpack, and it’s valuable for this to be done with a qualified Christian family therapist.

Bear in mind that it often takes a long time to rebuild trust after an affair has occurred. That’s going to be true for your kids as well as your spouse. So be patient. As the process moves forward, you can show your good faith by joining an accountability group at a local church. It’s impossible to overestimate the value of a group of Christian brothers or sisters with whom you can be open about your failings and temptations and who will be willing to hold you accountable to your renewed commitment to your family.

As a footnote, we’d like to recommend a great book that will be tremendously helpful to you and your spouse during this time of restoring your relationship — Torn Asunder: Recovering From Extra-marital Affairs, by Rev. Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke. This resource is available through Focus on the Family’s Online Store (http://family.christianbook.com/torn-asunder-recovering-from-extramarital-affair/dave-carder/9780802471352/pd/471352?event=ESRCG).

from Infidelity: Road To Recover, Next Steps