Tag: Infidelity – Part 2

‘Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. ‘ Hebrews 10:23(NLT)

‘Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ ‘ Matthew 22:37(NLT)

‘“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. ‘ John 15:5(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

One of the last times that I met with Emily and Aiden, I wanted to challenge them. I knew they had to keep doing the things in their marriage that they began over these past two years. I also knew what could happen if they did not. Just because a couple goes through and comes out of infidelity does not erase their vulnerability for the rest of their lives. The key to keeping and continuing to build an Awesome Marriage is consistency. It’s doing the things that work day after day after day. I asked them to get another couple they trusted to be their accountability partners. This would be a couple that would regularly check on them to make sure they were on the right path. They both agreed on Aiden’s friend that was there from the beginning and his wife. This was a great choice.

There were a lot of dark days in their past and now it was time to work on a string of sunny or a least partly sunny days. We talked about things they liked to do together for fun and some new things to try. They needed to begin to really reap the rewards of all the hard work. Enjoying each other and having fun together are so important to an Awesome Marriage.  

Honestly, I believe without a doubt that prayer was what God used to heal this marriage. It was a combination of Aiden’s prayers, Emily’s prayers, and their prayers together. God knit them together with Him in a close, intimate way. Being purposeful in prayer for the rest of their marriage was a non-negotiable.  

Emily and Aiden made it. Wherever you are in your marriage today, you can make it just like they did. Here is the difference I saw in Emily and Aiden and the way they fought through infidelity. They did not just want to just survive. They wanted their marriage to thrive. They wanted it better than ever. They wanted every bit of what God had for them in marriage and God showed up like He does with more blessings than they could ever imagine.  

Today’s Challenge: Dr. Kim shares that putting God first and your spouse next can help you remain faithful. What do you need to do this week to make sure you are putting God first and your spouse second? 

Going Deeper:

1. Make a commitment to praying for your marriage daily.  

2. Dr. Kim shares that one practical thing you can do to safeguard your marriage is to invest in it. Plan something fun to do with your spouse this week. 

3. If you have considered taking any kind of baby step towards an affair, get help today. Don’t wait until an affair has taken place, go seek help from a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend. 

4. Pray and ask God to help you make a commitment to faithfulness in your marriage.

from Infidelity – Part 2 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. ‘ Romans 12:12(NLT)

‘We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people, who live in the light. ‘ Colossians 1:11-12(NLT)

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ‘ Colossians 3:12(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

One person cannot make a marriage work. No matter how much you want an Awesome Marriage, you cannot do it alone. It is interesting that one person can destroy a marriage all by themself. That one spouse can end all that was built and all the hopes and dreams of the future. Yet, if a marriage is to be rebuilt, it takes two. As Emily came more and more on board, the marriage she thought was lost forever began to rise out of the devastation. Aiden did what I think is one of the most difficult steps in rebuilding a marriage; he was patient. As much as he wanted this marriage to work, he had to wait on Emily and that turned out to be a long wait.  

If you find yourselves in Emily and Aiden’s shoes, here are some of the things they did that were essential to healing. First, they got help. Aiden reached out first to a trusted Christian friend who proved invaluable in the process. Emily reached out to a professional. That was a big step in the right direction by getting someone who understood what it would take to heal this marriage. Second, in their own way they both grieved the loss of the marriage they once had together. This had to happen before a new marriage could be built. Third, they both made important life changes.  God became first every day and then second came each other. God first. Spouse second. I promise it works! They carved out time alone together every day. At the right time they began date nights and nothing got in the way of these times together. Finally, they prayed. It was difficult and awkward at first but became easier and more frequent as time passed.  

Just wanting a marriage to heal is not enough. It takes time and work and of course, God. I promise you this though – it will be worth it. Without a doubt, it will be worth it.

Today’s Challenge: Make a commitment to take time to spend talking with each other each day undistracted by anything else. 

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that being patient is vital to saving your marriage when infidelity has occurred. Pray and ask God to help you be patient as you walk through the process of healing and rebuilding trust in your marriage. 

2. What needs to change in order for you to build a marriage that you can both value? 

3. Pray and ask God to heal your marriage and help you work towards building an awesome marriage. 

from Infidelity – Part 2 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Yes, each of us will give a personal account to God. ‘ Romans 14:12(NLT)

‘Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. ‘ Galatians 6:1-2(NLT)

‘Now repent of your sins and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped away. ‘ Acts of the Apostles 3:19(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

About three weeks after I saw Emily the first time, she and Aiden sat in my office together. Emily was not making any promises but she was willing to listen and give the marriage a chance. Aiden was scared and it was written all over his face. He wanted to make this marriage heal and then grow into something better than either of them could imagine. I wanted that for them too and I knew it was what God wanted. I also knew that without God they didn’t have a chance.

Emily had a lot of questions for Aiden and I cautioned her before we proceeded. Often in trying to make sense of something that will never make sense, we ask questions and get way more information than we need. Sometimes this information puts images in our mind that are very difficult to get rid of. Emily seemed to understand and we proceeded cautiously with her questions.  

Aiden had already taken some important steps. He shut down all of his social media accounts. He gave Emily all of his passwords to everything. He put a GPS tracker on his car and Emily could see where he was 24/7. He called her when he got to work and when he left. If he was making a stop out of the ordinary, Emily knew about it ahead of time. Aiden’s friend that helped him after the affair asked him how long he intended to do all of this accountability stuff for Emily. Aiden said, “For the rest of my life.” 

One of the biggest changes happened as Aiden prayed with Emily every day. It was a few months before she responded but as she saw Aiden’s heart and what God was doing in his life, she began to join Aiden in prayer.

I met with them for about two years. There were some really rough days and nights along the way. Today they are on their way to a marriage truly better than before. Trust is now a word that Emily uses when referring to Aiden. Trust is a gift to be handled carefully and cherished in a marriage.

Today’s Challenge: Dr. Kim shares that there is no shortcut to rebuilding trust in a marriage. Make a commitment together to work as hard as you can to rebuild the trust in your marriage. Take time to pray together for your marriage. Lean into God, and ask him to work a miracle in your marriage. 

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that rebuilding trust after an affair takes both spouses’ efforts. If you are the offending spouse, what can you do to show your spouse that you will be honest and consistent enough to trust again? 

2. If you are the offending spouse, how can you be patient with your spouse as they accept these changes? What can you do to show you are understanding of the time it takes as you wait for the trust to be rebuilt? 

3. If you are the offending spouse, take time this week to ask your spouse what you can do to help rebuild the trust. 

4. If you are the offending spouse take these practical steps toward rebuilding trust: repent, show remorse, be accountable with your time, make your life an open book to your spouse, cut off all contact with the person you had an affair with, stay at the comfort level of your spouse, find someone to be accountable to besides just your spouse, and pray. 

from Infidelity – Part 2 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

‘Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.’ Proverbs 19:11(NLT)

‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:31-32(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

Emily sat across from me in my office. Twenty-four hours earlier she learned that her husband, Aiden, had been lying to her for eight months as he covered up an affair.  Devastated doesn’t really do justice to what I saw in her. As she told me the story, she cried, her voice trembled, and her body shook. It was hard to watch. Five years earlier I stood with Aiden and Emily as they recited their vows and then I pronounced them husband and wife. Now those hopes and dreams were shattered by lies, deceit, and a two-month affair.  

Emily suspected something was wrong with Aiden, but not this. Aiden’s affair began at work with a “friend of a friend.” He told Emily it lasted two months and that he ended it on his own. He never planned on telling her about it when he confessed to a friend in his small group a few months earlier. Meeting each week, his friend walked him through a process of healing with God. Eventually Aiden knew to have the marriage God wanted for them that Emily had to know the truth. They could not have a marriage built on lies.  

Emily looked at me with red eyes and said, “I don’t think I can ever forgive him. He asked me to and says he will do anything to make our marriage work but I just don’t know.”  

If a marriage is to heal, forgiveness has to be a part. Forgiveness scared Emily. “What if he did it again? What if he is not really sorry?” I could not answer those questions but I did tell her this. “If there is a chance for this to work, forgiveness has to be given. It may take time and it may be a process but that is what God tells us we need to do.” 

Whether Aiden and Emily’s marriage made it is not the point today. The point is that over time she forgave him. Forgiveness helped Aiden but it set Emily free. Her obedience to do something really difficult that God asked her to do changed Emily forever. It is part of God’s plan. Forgiveness is an essential part of every intimate relationship.

Today’s Challenge:  Dr. Kim shares that forgiveness begins the healing process. Why do you think forgiveness is a process and not just a simple step you take? 

Going Deeper:

1. Hatred, anger, and bitterness can really hurt us. Write down three reasons why forgiveness is healing.

2. Dr. Kim shares that whether or not the marriage is saved, forgiveness is still important because it frees you from anger and emotional bondage. How do you see this ringing true in your life? 

3. If you have been affected by infidelity, pray and ask God to help you work towards the goal of forgiveness and to get on the path of healing. 

from Infidelity – Part 2 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.’ Proverbs 12:22(NLT)

‘Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. ‘ James 5:16(NLT)

‘Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord .” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone. Interlude’ Psalms 32:5(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

If we wrote a list of “essentials” for an Awesome Marriage, honesty would be on that list. Sometimes I think we take honesty for granted. It should be a given in a marriage.  No one stands before their intended spouse, pastor, and a lot of friends and family on their wedding day and says they plan to lie to their spouse “till death do us part.” That would be ridiculous. Yet, how often do the lies begin somewhere down the road of marriage? Unfortunately, more times than we can count. The question is, why?  Why do we step across an invisible line that takes our marriage from one built on trust and complete honesty to one of devastation? No one seems to realize how valuable trust is in a marriage until they lose it and try to build it back.  

We can do a good job of fooling ourselves into thinking that this one little lie is not going to hurt anyone. No one will ever know. The next time that line is a lot easier to cross. Each time we cross it we are digging a bigger grave for our marriage. The first time we cross the line may have nothing to do with infidelity, but the significance of crossing that line just one time is huge. Its effects continue to show up in our marriage after a lot more lies about a lot more things. We have laid a foundation of deceit in our marriage and left the door to infidelity wide open.

The truth is that every lie causes damage. One little lie can wreak havoc in a marriage.  Even if your spouse does not find out, you know, God knows, and you have stepped outside of His plan for your life and for your marriage.  

If you have built a foundation of honesty in your marriage, stand on it with God’s help day after day the rest of your life. If you have broken trust, make a commitment to be totally and completely honest from this day forward to God, to yourself, and to your spouse. It is a big step toward building an Awesome Marriage.

Today’s Challenge:  If an affair has taken place in your marriage, we urge you to seek help in working through it in order to save your marriage. Take time this week to find a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend to help you walk through this and work towards saving your marriage. The wise counsel of a third party can be very helpful. 

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that when an affair has happened it is vital that the offending spouse be honest about what happened. If infidelity has occurred in your marriage, seek help from someone and create a safe place where the offending spouse can be honest about what happened. 

2. When an affair takes place the spouse that was cheated on often wants to know every detail of the affair, but that’s not necessarily the wisest thing. If you have been cheated on ask yourself, “What is beneficial for me to know moving forward? What is fruitful? What details do I need to know so I can trust my spouse again? What details do I not need to know because they would be too hurtful to hear and of no benefit for the relationship?”

3. Dr. Kim shares that if you have trust in your marriage, cherish it. Think of a special way to let your spouse know you are grateful that you can trust them. 

4. If trust has been broken, work as hard as you can to rebuild it. What steps do you need to take this week towards rebuilding the trust in your marriage? 

from Infidelity – Part 2 by Dr. Kim Kimberling