Tag: Infidelity – Part 1

‘As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.’ Proverbs 27:17(NLT)

‘so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. ‘ Philippians 2:15(NLT)

‘An elder must live a blameless life. He must be faithful to his wife, and his children must be believers who don’t have a reputation for being wild or rebellious. A church leader is a manager of God’s household, so he must live a blameless life. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered; he must not be a heavy drinker, violent, or dishonest with money.’ Titus 1:6-7(NLT)

Devotional Content: 

As we conclude this plan, I want to borrow an example from one of my favorite pastors, Tommy Nelson. In the five years before we had kids, Nancy and I played a lot of tennis. We played with friends. We played together. It was a really fun part of our life and I believe the game of tennis can help us understand what taking baby steps to an affair is all about.

Let’s take Bryan and Chelsea. They work in the same office. They pass each other in the hall and are in some of the same meetings. Both are attractive and both are married. Now let’s put them on a tennis court as if they were playing each other. Bryan gently hits the ball over the net. In the office he might say, “You really look nice today” or “You have a great smile.” As the ball comes over the net, Chelsea has a choice. Does she hit it back or ignore it? Back in the office she can say, “thank you,” and move on or respond and stay awhile because Bryan’s comment made her feel good. He just said something she has wanted her husband to say for months. So Chelsea gently hits the ball back. Baby steps. They both took steps and now the game begins as they continue to hit the ball back and forth. At the office, Bryan brings her coffee and Chelsea asks him to lunch and then they go to dinner together and they begin covering up the relationship as they tell little lies to their spouses. Then one Friday the boss comes in and gives everyone an unexpected afternoon off and Bryan and Chelsea find themselves in a room in the hotel across the street from their office building.

You can’t always stop someone from hitting the ball in your court but you never have to hit it back. Hitting the ball back is a baby step that will never have a good outcome. Here is my counsel to you. Unless you are actually playing tennis with your spouse or someone that is your same sex, leave your tennis racket at home. It will keep you from taking that first baby step. No matter who hits the ball or when they hit it, without your racket you cannot hit it back. That is fighting for your marriage!

Today’s Challenge:

Dr. Kim shares that one practical thing we can do to fight against affairs is to have someone we trust who can hold us accountable if we ever get the thought of having an affair. Who can be the person that will hold you accountable if you ever need that?

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that no one plans to have an affair; affairs happen in baby steps. What can you do to fight against these baby steps?

2. Whether you have had an affair or not, we urge you to fight for you marriage. What can you do this week to fight for your marriage?

3. Often times people think “It won’t happen to me,” but affairs can happen to anyone. What do you need to do to make sure you are taking this seriously and protecting your marriage from an affair?

4. Pray that our world would put the same value on marriage that God does.

from Infidelity – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ‘ Hebrews 12:2(NLT)

‘I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.’ Philippians 3:14(NLT)

‘As for the rest of you, dear brothers and sisters, never get tired of doing good.’ 2 Thessalonians 3:13(NLT)

Devotional Content:

There is something magical about fairy tales. Stories like Cinderella are told over and over in many different ways. The end is always the same. Guy rescues girl. Guy marries girl. They live happily ever after. It’s the dream of almost every little girl to grow up and be Cinderella and every boy wants to be the handsome prince that rescues the fair maiden in distress.

When Nancy and I got married, even though we never said the words, our goal was to live happily ever after. It’s every couple’s dream. Yet, one half of the marriages don’t make it and of the fifty percent that are left, how many really fulfill the dream?

I’m not about to throw cold water on that dream. The key I think is how we define “happily ever after” and how we carry out that dream. For us today the answer is somewhat different than it was on our wedding day. Today it would be a marriage with God at the center. A marriage where we pray together, read the Bible together, have fun together, and embrace the blessings of our life together. It’s being unselfish and putting the other first. If we do that with God’s help most days, I think we get to “happily ever after.” It’s not the trials of life that knock us off track. We all have trials. It’s how we handle them that makes the difference. Staying focused on our marriage no matter what keeps us faithful. Being faithful to the vows we made at the altar and faithfully pursuing the marriage God has for us will sustain us day after day. That is faithfulness defined. That’s “happily ever after” God’s way!

Today’s Challenge:

Dr. Kim defines faithfulness as staying focused on your marriage no matter what. What can you do this week to show your spouse you are focused on your marriage?

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that trust is the foundation of intimacy and closeness. Why do you think trust is so important to intimacy?

2. None of us are perfect. So none of us have been 100% focused on our marriage all the time, which means none of us has done faithfulness perfectly. How can you extend grace to yourself and your spouse when it comes to this?

3. Spend some time thinking about what faithfulness means to you. Write down five points about faithfulness. Share these things with your spouse and have a conversation about faithfulness.

4. Pray and ask God to help you make a commitment to faithfulness in your marriage.

from Infidelity – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Not a single person on earth is always good and never sins.’ Ecclesiastes 7:20(NLT)

‘“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand—even your stronger hand—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.’ Matthew 5:27-30(NLT)

‘Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.’ Matthew 5:37(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Often I see a double standard when it comes to setting boundaries with the opposite sex. We applaud the boundaries our spouse sets while at the same time being reluctant to set the same boundaries for our self. Now, that does not necessarily mean that by not setting boundaries our intention is to cross a line with the opposite sex. Usually it means that we have a false sense of our own capability to handle any situation at any time the way it needs to be handled. My experience as a counselor says you are playing with fire. Any time we think that we are not vulnerable, we are fooling ourselves. All of us are vulnerable and I am including myself in this. For me acknowledging my vulnerability is a smart move. Now I can set the boundaries in place that not only will keep me from crossing the line but will keep me far away from that line in the first place.

Our culture says that boundaries with the opposite sex are not really necessary. Having lunch or dinner with someone is okay. Traveling out of town with someone is okay. After all, it is a business trip. These things that culture says are okay can often be the first step to an affair. Every affair begins with some type of encounter. Limiting or eliminating those encounters is essential.

Peter sat in my office to talk about an issue at his work. His boss was sending him and another executive to a three day conference out of town. The other executive was a woman. Traveling alone with someone of the opposite sex violated a boundary Peter had in his marriage but he also valued his job. He worked hard to get to his position and feared he might lose it over this. What should he do? We decided the best thing was to lay it all out before his boss. Peter would tell him about his boundary and why it was important to him. We prayed together and Peter left my office to go visit with his boss. A couple of hours later, Peter sent me a text. His boss honored his conviction and was sending a third person on the trip with them. Peter’s boss got it but what if he had a different boss? The results could also have been different. My point is this: Good, solid, well thought out boundaries for your marriage are essential. Yes, there may be consequences as you follow them but in the big picture what’s really most important? Your marriage or ???? I vote for your marriage!

Today’s Challenge:

Take time this week to reassess your boundaries or create them if you have never had any. Think of five boundaries that you can put in place to protect your marriage.

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that boundaries are important when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. What boundaries do you currently have in place to protect your marriage when it comes to friendships of the opposite sex?

2. Make time this week to sit down with your spouse and discuss boundaries. Get on the same page about boundaries. Hear each other’s concerns, and respect the boundaries that will make your spouse feel secure in your marriage.

3. It’s important that boundaries aren’t just physical boundaries but that they also protect you against emotional affairs. What boundaries can you put in place to make sure you are not seeking emotional needs from others that you should be getting from your spouse?

4. Pray over the boundaries you have set and ask God to help protect your marriage.

from Infidelity – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:3(NLT)

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.’ Ephesians 5:21(NLT)

‘A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:12(NLT)

‘Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. ‘ 1 Corinthians 6:18(NLT)

‘The woman named Folly is brash. She is ignorant and doesn’t know it. She sits in her doorway on the heights overlooking the city. She calls out to men going by who are minding their own business. “Come in with me,” she urges the simple. To those who lack good judgment, she says, “Stolen water is refreshing; food eaten in secret tastes the best!” But little do they know that the dead are there. Her guests are in the depths of the grave.’ Proverbs 9:13-18(NLT)

Devotional Content:

When we go back to the story of creation in the first part of the book of Genesis, we see something truly amazing. After God created everything, there was an interesting phenomenon. Everything God created was good until man was alone. God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Then God created woman from a rib that He took from the side of man. Guess what happened next? Everything was good again. As he looked at Eve, I think that Adam was looking for a word that expressed “good” to the millionth power.

My point is that one man and one woman knit together with God was enough. Adam did not ask God to create another woman because he was tired of Eve or wanted some adventure in his life. Eve didn’t ask either. One man knit together with one woman was God’s design. How did we get from there to here?

Don’t forget we were made in God’s image. That means we are not computers or robots. Whenever that first affair happened, on to David’s affair with Bathsheba and to every affair today, there have been consequences. God did not build you in such a way that you could have an affair and not be affected. He didn’t build anyone else that way either. Weighing the consequences of infidelity seems to be something many people are failing to do but that never will change the outcome.

What if before even taking the smallest baby step, each of us before even taking the weighed the consequences? Wouldn’t that make a difference?

Today’s Challenge:

Pray and ask God to help you be pure of heart. Pray for your marriage to be full of honesty and goodness. Even if infidelity has already touched your marriage, God can restore it. He is a God of redemption! It is never too late to have an awesome marriage, no matter what has happened.

Going Deeper:

Each of you write down your top three priorities in your life. Then share your lists and give each other input on this question: “Does your list match how you are living out your life?”

from Infidelity – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. ‘ Romans 12:12(NLT)

‘Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. ‘ 1 Corinthians 6:18(NLT)

‘Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.’ James 1:14-15(NLT)

Devotional Content:

I have recently gone so far as to say that infidelity is an epidemic. When we look at the statistics, unfortunately they back me up. Why? There are probably as many reasons as there are affairs but the underlying cause is that we want what we want and we live in a culture that may not say affairs are okay but often turns its head the other way.

As someone pursues an affair, they usually don’t take the time to think through the consequences, and the consequences are enormous. First there is the marriage itself. There are few things more devastating in life than being betrayed by the person who pledged before God to be faithful for the rest of their life. Then there is the ripple effect which affects more people than one can even imagine starting with their children to friends to family members and on and on. If we could look backwards from the end to the beginning first, I think there would be very few affairs. Many times after the affair people have said to me, “I never wanted this for my family.”

No one has to take that step but the solution starts way before that step is even an option. It starts with an unwavering commitment to the vow you made for better or worse. It starts with never taking even a baby step in that direction. It starts with keeping God first and your spouse second every day. Stopping infidelity in your marriage starts with you!

Today’s Challenge:

Take time today to pray together for God to protect your marriage.

Going Deeper:

1. Dr. Kim shares that infidelity is running rampant in our culture today. How have you seen infidelity increase in the community where you live?

2. Dr. Kim shares that in order to reverse this trend we have to commit to building marriages that are virtually affair proof. What is one thing you can do today to protect your marriage from infidelity?

3. Protecting your marriage is one thing but taking a stand against infidelity is another. How will you stand against infidelity?

from Infidelity – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling

‘Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?’ Proverbs 20:6(NLT)

‘Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil. ‘ Ecclesiastes 9:9(NLT)

‘The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.’ 1 Corinthians 10:13(NLT)

Devotional Content:

No one ever goes from an awesome connected marriage to a marriage in shambles overnight. It happens one step at a time. Bob and Judy were the perfect newlyweds. They did premarital counseling and were committed to each other and their marriage. They enjoyed each other and felt very connected. Things were so good that they began to take their marriage for granted. They thought, “Isn’t this the way marriage is supposed to be?”

The changes in their marriage were little, but over time the little changes began to mount up. They were gradually drifting apart and hardly noticed. Life got busy and there were more distractions. They knew they were supposed to keep working on their marriage but things had been so good that they thought they could coast for a while. It was coasting that got them in trouble.

A few months later Judy’s company hired Tom, a really nice new guy who was single. Judy and Tom began to see each other at the coffee bar in the office. At first, it was by accident but later it was not. Six months later, Bob dropped by Judy’s office to surprise her and take her to lunch. Judy’s assistant told Bob that he just missed her. She already left for lunch. Bob found Judy and Tom engaged in deep conversation over a table at Bob’s favorite restaurant. Actually, it had been his and Judy’s favorite restaurant together for years. This marriage that began so well was now on the brink of ending in shambles. Trust was now broken.

We always need to remember that there is never a time to just “coast” in our marriages. It takes work every day. It takes work by both. Then the killer is that all too often we take trust for granted. We don’t realize how precious it truly is until it is broken, then there are so many pieces scattered everywhere that we don’t even know where to begin. Our lesson is simple but also very complex. If you have trust, don’t do anything that would chip away at it or worse, break it entirely. If the trust in your marriage is on shaky ground, stop everything today and take the first step in rebuilding it. If it has been broken, ask your spouse what do you can do to begin building it again. Don’t let your marriage end in shambles!

Today’s Challenge:

Dr. Kim shares that trust is something we often take for granted in a marriage. Think of three reasons trust can create an Awesome Marriage.

Going Deeper:

1. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest, how much do you trust your spouse? If trust has been broken, what is your first step in rebuilding trust?

2. Affairs happen in baby steps. What are some baby steps that you can avoid?

3. Dr. Kim shares that most affairs have the same pattern, starting with drifting away from your spouse. What can you do this week to stay connected to your spouse?

4. Pray and ask God to give you the wisdom to protect your marriage from infidelity. If infidelity has already taken place, pray and ask God to heal your marriage and rebuild trust. Our God is a God of restoration and no marriage is too far gone to become an awesome one!

from Infidelity – Part 1 by Dr. Kim Kimberling