Tag: Infidelity: Obstacles to Recovery

‘They offer superficial treatments for my people’s mortal wound. They give assurances of peace when there is no peace.’ Jeremiah 6:14(NLT)

The process of forgiving an unfaithful spouse can be long and complicated. This difficulty of recovering intimacy and closeness can continue long after the affair has ended and the pair have begun working on reconciliation. Sometimes a betrayed spouse who has mentally put the incident behind themselves and verbally expressed forgiveness still finds it impossible to sleep in the same bed with their mate. This only adds to his or her confusion and causes them to doubt their own sincerity and goodwill.

If you find yourself in this dilemma, there are several things you need to keep in mind. First, infidelity is not just a minor scratch on the surface of a marriage. It’s a deep and painful breach of trust that goes straight to the heart of the marital relationship. You can’t make the hurt go away overnight simply by saying “I forgive you.” So don’t make light of the situation.

Don’t fall into the error of the false prophets and priests who thought they could heal Israel’s wounds “slightly” simply by saying, “Peace, peace!” The sins of Judah were many and dire, and Jeremiah knew that it would not be easy to reverse the negative effects of their fallout. On the contrary, real healing would require lots of time and space and involved a therapeutic process that could reasonably be described as a kind of death and resurrection.

Second, it would be helpful to educate yourself more thoroughly about the true meaning of forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness is an absolute necessity in a case like this, but forgiving doesn’t mean putting yourself in a position where you can easily be hurt again. The affair may have ended, but you and your spouse still have a long way to go before you can begin to get back to anything approximating “situation normal.” Under the circumstances, your feelings of uneasiness are completely understandable.

Third, bear in mind that forgiveness is an emotion as well as a choice. You may have made a rational decision to forgive your husband, but it will probably take a while for your heart to catch up with your head in this regard. Feelings have to mend at their own pace. You can’t force this to happen. This is especially true in cases of deep and serious hurt, and it’s truest of all where sex is concerned. Sexuality and intimacy are all about vulnerability, and you can’t make yourself vulnerable until you’re convinced that it’s safe to do so.

Meanwhile, if your spouse is truly sorry about past behavior, he or she will have no trouble understanding why you’re struggling with your feelings about marital intimacy. A person who is genuinely repentant is also humble and meek. He doesn’t make demands or blame someone else for the pain and awkwardness he’s caused by his own poor choices. Instead, he asks, “How can I make you more comfortable?” He is sincerely willing to do whatever it takes to put the relationship back on a good footing.

On the other side of the coin, it might a good idea to search your own heart and make sure that you aren’t refusing to come back to bed out of an unconscious desire to punish your spouse. You need to realize that no amount of “hurting him back” can ever remove the scar his infidelity has left upon your marriage. The only real solution is to find some way to get beyond the pain and start over again. These are the kinds of questions you’ll want to hash out at length with a trained marriage therapist.

For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Obstacles to Recovery

‘Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:7 https://my.bible.com/bible/116/1CO.13.7

‘For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.’ 2 Corinthians 7:10(NLT)

An affair represents a deep breach of trust between husband and wife — a breach so deep and so difficult to mend that many couples who have experienced the pain of infidelity are not willing to do the hard work required to rebuild their marriage. It’s hard enough to make that effort when the guilty party has confessed his or her sin, expressed genuine remorse, and indicated a real desire to get back on the right track.

But when there are signs that true repentance is lacking, the victim of the affair may find it extremely difficult to move forward. He or she may be plagued by doubts about the other person’s sincerity or fears of recurring infidelities in the future. Anxieties of this kind can have a paralyzing and debilitating impact on the healing process.

If this is your situation and there are indications that true repentance is lacking, your feelings of confusion and a reluctance to move forward are understandable. If the relationship is to continue, you and your spouse owe it to each other to demonstrate your commitment to fidelity. This is particularly important for the individual who has been unfaithful in the past.

You need clarity and the best way to find it is to get into counseling together as soon as possible. Only within the context of intensive therapy with a trained marriage specialist can you even begin to see whether your spouse is truly repentant or not. As you delve into that process all the deeper issues will rise to the surface, and the proof will be in the pudding. If it becomes evident that the guilty spouse is experiencing real “godly sorrow” (2 Corinthians 7:10) in connection with his past actions, you can then begin to take steps toward restoration and reconciliation.

Part of this process involves working with your counselor to build safeguards or “hedges” around your marriage to protect it against another affair. For example, do you have access to each other’s cell phones and email accounts? Obviously, one can go overboard in this regard, creating an atmosphere of distrust and even paranoia in the process. But in the wake of an affair it’s only reasonable to expect a greater level of accountability in order to rebuild trust.

Another critical element of preventing subsequent affairs is understanding how the first one occurred. In many cases, affairs happen because there are cracks in the marriage. Sometimes spouses drift apart and stop communicating. Or they have unresolved issues related to finances, sex or parenting. An individual might even have emotional problems, like past sexual abuse or bipolar disorder, that lead to an increased likelihood of infidelity. None of these things excuse an affair, of course, but they are factors that need to be taken into account. Work with your counselor to identify what made your marriage open to the affair initially. Then come up with practical ways to strengthen those weak areas.

In the event that the counseling process uncovers a real lack of repentance, remorse, and “godly sorrow” on the part of the offending spouse, you will have to deal with this aspect of the problem before attempting to restore the relationship. This observation is particularly important where the behavior and attitude of the unfaithful party is characterized by anger, narcissism, or a talent for manipulation. Individuals who fit this description find it difficult to grasp how they may have hurt someone else. They tend to direct all their energy toward shoring up their own position and making themselves look as good as possible. They may wish to assume the appearance of an empathetic, loving, and repentant spouse, but there’s a basic flaw in their psychological make-up that makes it very difficult for them to understand what that really means.

This renders the victim of the affair vulnerable to a strong temptation to blame herself for the troubles at the heart of the marriage. The result is guilt, resentment, and a gnawing sense that you haven’t forgiven your spouse and will never be able to do so. It should be obvious that genuine reconciliation is impossible under such conditions.

If you and your spouse are facing a situation like this, it would probably be a good idea to get into separate counseling prior to seeing a therapist together. That’s because angry and narcissistic people are notoriously skillful at taking control of group sessions and manipulating them to their own advantage. An individual counselor may be able to help the unfaithful spouse work through some of his or her personal issues before attempting to address your marital concerns in concert.

from Infidelity: Obstacles to Recovery

‘Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. I will rebuild you, my virgin Israel. You will again be happy and dance merrily with your tambourines.’ Jeremiah 31:3-4(NLT)

The fallout of an affair can manifest itself in lots of different ways. Many men and women whose spouses have succumbed to the lure of infidelity continue to be plagued by feelings of low self-esteem and self-doubt long after the affair has been laid to rest. This in turn often gives rise to additional thoughts of shame and self-loathing. If you’re in this position, you may be wondering whether you’ve actually forgiven your spouse. You might even feel tempted to take the blame for his unfaithfulness — as if his actions prove that you are somehow unworthy or unlovable. If so, it’s time for a reality check.

Where your feelings of low self-esteem are concerned, there are three things you need to bear in mind. First, your worth as a person is dependent upon God alone. The Lord has told you in the plainest possible terms that He loves you with an everlasting love. So great is that love that He sent His son to die on your behalf (John 3:16), and He would have done it if you were the only person who ever lived. No action of another human being can ever change that. You belong to Christ, and as a result you can say with the Psalmist, “The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Psalm 118:6).

Second, you must understand that the affair was not your fault. A wife could be extraordinarily beautiful, brilliant, and accomplished, and her husband could still choose the sin of adultery. On the other hand, she might be significantly below average in every area and her husband could still decide to stay faithful to his wedding vows. In the final analysis, these actions have nothing to do with you. Ultimately, they’re an expression of his own free will.

Third, it usually takes two people to make a marriage more vulnerable to negative influences. You may think that this statement contradicts the last one, but there’s an important sense in which both are true. It’s possible, for instance, that while the affair was not your fault, you have nevertheless fallen into a pattern of co-dependent behavior. This is common among men and women who have been injured by infidelity. The more they are betrayed, the more they unknowingly find themselves attracted to people who betray. As a result, they unwittingly encourage further incidents of the same kind and develop a distorted self-image. The key to a brighter future is to break this unhealthy pattern.

Meanwhile, it’s highly unlikely that feelings of low self-esteem have anything to do with an inability to forgive. If you’re struggling in this area, it’s far more probable that you’ve simply failed to address the issues that led to the affair in the first place. Your spouse’s infidelity could easily be a symptom of a subtler and more complicated ailment.

Once a problem is exposed and the associated negative activity has been brought to a halt, many people tell themselves that all is well and everyone should simply move on. But this can be misleading and dangerous. As mentioned previously, the fact of the matter is that very little healing can occur unless the distorted thought processes and root issues behind your spouse’s adultery are found and treated. A paradigm shift has to take place at the heart of your marriage. Without that shift, you can become hopelessly trapped in an ongoing pattern of grief, anger or depression.

You can evaluate and address all of these potential problems with the help of a skilled Christian counselor. You have a number of options in this regard: for example, you can go to weekly sessions or to a one-time brief intensive therapy program which is three to ten days long. These can be life-changing and life-giving experiences.

from Infidelity: Obstacles to Recovery

‘“Come now, let’s settle this,” says the Lord . “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool. If you will only obey me, you will have plenty to eat.’ Isaiah 1:18-19(NLT)

Over and over again the Bible likens God’s relationship with His people to a marriage. When the people forsake Yahweh for the idols of the nations, the prophets compare their sin to the sin of adultery; and when God, like a loving, patient, and forgiving husband, woos them and draws them back to Himself with cords of love (Hosea 11:4), His action is described in terms of a marital reconciliation.

This is exactly what Isaiah has in view when he portrays the Lord as inviting the inhabitants of Judah to come and “reason” with Him. The Hebrew word used in this passage belongs to the sphere of the law court. The assumption is that the two parties involved are entering into a process of coming to terms. They’re preparing to lay their issues on the table, hash things out, and invest the time and effort required to put the relationship back on a functional basis. They’re coming together, possibly with the help of a neutral arbitrator, in a desire to correct unhealthy relational patterns, heal the hurts of the past, and make things right again. And they’re acknowledging right up front that it’s going to take a lot of hard work.

You and your spouse should expect to do the same if you’re recovering from the impact of infidelity. Nothing shakes up a marriage quite like an affair, and you can’t expect to reverse the damage overnight. If you were the guilty party in this instance, you need to remember that your spouse is still reeling; he feels betrayed, and you have to allow him to work through the pain and anguish of that experience. It’s easy to say that “time heals all wounds,” but the fact is that very little healing can occur unless a paradigm shift takes place at the heart of your marriage. Without that shift, you can become hopelessly trapped in an ongoing pattern of grief, anger or depression.

Confessing your fault and asking forgiveness of both God and your spouse is the first step. That in itself takes a great deal of humility and courage. Without it there can be no restoration of the relationship. But it’s important to bear in mind that it’s only the first step.

If you want to keep moving in the right direction, you and your spouse need to work together to discover the distorted thought processes and root issues that led to your adultery in the first place. Many times these lie so deep that they actually pre-date the marriage. It usually takes two people to make a relationship more vulnerable to negative influences, and unless the causes of this vulnerability are identified and dealt with, you run a very real risk of falling into the same trap again at some point in the future. Simply confessing and asking forgiveness in the present doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be equipped with healthier coping skills the next time trials or temptations arise.

However good your intentions may be, the fact remains that your wounds are still raw. Under the circumstances, it’s unrealistic to suppose that you and your spouse can resolve these issues on your own. No one expects cardiac patients to perform surgery on themselves. In the same way, a marriage that has been through the devastation of infidelity needs the healing touch of a highly skilled third party — a trained professional therapist — if it’s to survive. The best thing you can do now is to seek marital counseling together.

In the meantime, it would be a good idea to get a copy of Dave Carder’s book Torn Asunder and study it together. This resource is available through Focus on the Family’s Online Store (http://family.christianbook.com/torn-asunder-recovering-from-extramarital-affair/dave-carder/9780802471352/pd/471352?event=ESRCG).
For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Obstacles to Recovery