Tag: Infidelity: Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

‘And don’t let us yield to temptation, but rescue us from the evil one. Amen.’ Matthew 6:13(NLT)

If you’re married and genuinely concerned about remaining faithful to your spouse, you deserve a word of commendation. Your earnestness and zeal for preserving the integrity of your marriage is a tremendous asset — a treasure you should guard and preserve in every way you can.

Remember that God is with you in this commitment. His desire is to bless you and your spouse with a thriving, lifelong relationship. It follows that His ears are open to your prayers in this regard, and that He will hear and answer if you ask Him to set a protective hedge around your marriage. If you’re wise, you’ll put all of your trust in Him rather than in your own ability to stand firm (Proverbs 3:5, 6). Remember the words of Jesus in Mark 14:38: “Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

This last passage of Scripture merits careful attention. The words “watch and pray” are particularly worthy of note. It’s always a good idea to pray that the Lord will protect us from temptation. But prayer by itself is not always enough, at least where marital fidelity is concerned. Once we’ve made this particular request known to our Father in Heaven, we also have to make up our minds to watch. We need to stay vigilant and keep up our guard. If we don’t, we can easily be thrown off balance and taken by surprise, whether by the devil or by our own subconscious lusts and desires (James 1:14). Why? Because “the flesh is weak.”

If you really want to avoid flirtation and illicit affairs, then, you have to embrace every aspect of the defense system the Lord has placed at your disposal: ask for His protection; make up your mind to stand firm; and keep your eye peeled for unexpected traps and snares.

How does one do this? It’s always helpful to begin with self-examination (2 Corinthians 13:5). Ask yourself some pointed questions. Are you, for instance, unusually prone to sexual temptations? Were you promiscuous as a teen or young adult? Is there something in your family background—a divorce, an affair, abuse or neglect of some kind — that might have you feeling a heightened sense of vulnerability? Do you struggle with feelings of insecurity or low self-esteem? Do you and your spouse find it hard to talk about your deepest thoughts and emotions? If so, bring these things to the Lord and ask Him to provide you with the help and emotional healing you need.

Remember, in marriage the bottom line is always communication. Couples who can learn to be open, honest, and caring in the way they express their wants, needs, desires, and concerns to one another are the ones who have the best chance of safeguarding their relationship and going the distance in marriage.

We can’t stress enough that it can also be helpful to seek the guidance and support of a larger community and to make yourself accountable to others who can hold you to a high standard of morality and marital commitment. Many churches offer support groups or adult Sunday school classes designed specifically to help couples build stronger marriages. It would be a good idea to get connected with a class or group of this nature and make it a regular part of your lives.

Finally, consider the possibility of taking advantage of Focus on the Family’s online Couple Checkup, an assessment tool available via the ministry’s Website (http://www.family.org/couplecheckup/).

A trained counselor can also help you perform an assessment of your marriage and point out both the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship. If you have children, it might be worth your while to involve the whole family in a series of positive, pro-active group therapy sessions.

For more help, visit Focus on the Family’s Help Center (http://family.custhelp.com/app/home), or call the ministry’s Counseling Department for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357).

from Infidelity: Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

‘Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.’ Proverbs 5:18-19(NLT)

Some newlyweds and engaged couples wonder about the propriety of holding on to pictures of old girlfriends and boyfriends. This can be a touchy subject in some instances. There is, after all, an important sense in which lovers should have eyes only for each other. That’s just the way God made us. If you’re wrestling with this question, the best rule of thumb is to resolve the matter by talking it over with your spouse or fiancé/fiancée.

You don’t necessarily have to destroy photos of old boyfriends or girlfriends. At the same time, you shouldn’t be “pulling them out” and showing them off. There’s a way to strike a healthy balance on this issue. A great deal depends on the type of photos under consideration. Certain pictures could be considered mementos of significant events or tokens of cherished memories, especially if the relationships concerned ended on a fairly positive note. On the other hand, it’s not a good idea to keep portraits or glamour shots of old flames. Hanging on to photos of that kind can only lead to trouble. Remember, God has designed marriage to function as an exclusive covenant between a man and a woman.

Anything that threatens to weaken the exclusivity of that commitment should be avoided.
If you feel that the two of you are unable to talk about an issue like this or if you’re hesitant to discuss the photos because you fear that she would be intensely jealous, this would indicate that there are deeper issues and concerns that need to be addressed. On the other hand, if you’re comfortable bringing this up and your partner simply prefers that you don’t keep the photos, it would probably be best to honor his or her wishes.

In connection with this last thought, it’s always a good idea for engaged couples (or even those who are dating seriously) to seek pre-marital counseling before they move into marriage. Most couples today spend thousands of dollars on their wedding day, but don’t invest anything in the future of their marriage relationship. This involves an investment of a certain amount of time and money, to be sure, but it’s well worth the cost to make sure that your relationship is as strong as it can possibly be. Doing so can save you a great deal of heartache down the road.

from Infidelity: Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

‘Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:2(NLT)

The problem of living as a faithful Christian in the world has been with us since Acts Chapter 1, but it can assume a different appearance from century to century, generation to generation, sometimes even from year to year.

The same observation applies to the more specific challenge of keeping a Christian marriage vibrant, healthy, and strong in a secular culture. The enemies of marriage can present themselves under a variety of shapes and disguises. Everything depends upon the circumstances a couple happens to be facing at any given time. As an example, consider the particular circumstances associated with the modern workplace.

A hundred years ago men and women rarely mingled in the workplace. Nowadays they labor side by side on a daily basis. Spouses who want their marriages to survive and thrive in contemporary society are going to have to find ways to deal with these inescapable realities.

Consider the case of a woman whose husband works for a female boss. In a situation like this, it’s quite possible that the boss will occasionally ask the husband to discuss work-related matters in private — say within the context of a “working lunch.” This has become a common and expected method of doing business. And yet it’s also easy to understand how the man’s wife might feel uncomfortable with this arrangement. What should the couple do?

In Romans 1 Paul exhorts Christians to resist becoming “conformed” to the patterns of this world. Sadly, many believers nowadays seem content to accept the status quo and go along with what’s “common and expected” without question or pause. If we’re going to live God’s way, there are times when we have to be willing to push back against the culture. Christian couples who take this challenge seriously won’t necessarily shrug their shoulders and say, “That’s just the way things go in the modern workplace.” They may not be able to re-engineer the culture or change the structures of the business world, but if they really care about preserving the integrity of their relationship they can and should take the time to talk seriously about the wife’s feelings and to figure out ways of establishing meaningful boundaries and maintaining appropriate “hedges” around their relationship.

If husband and wife can agree that something needs to be done, the man might begin by speaking openly and honestly with his boss about his concerns. Once his boss understands where he’s coming from, she might be willing to make some appropriate changes. For example, wherever possible she might make an effort to include other employees in offsite business luncheons. Matters that must be kept strictly private could be discussed at the office, behind closed doors if necessary, but in close proximity to other co-workers.

Meanwhile, the wife might find it helpful to examine her motives and make sure she’s not operating on the basis of unjustified fears or an unhealthy need for control. A great deal depends upon the underlying causes of her uneasiness about her husband’s work environment. She should ask herself why she fears that his luncheons with the boss might pose a threat to the stability of their marriage. Has her husband been unfaithful in the past? Are there other reasons to suppose that he might be vulnerable to an affair? What about the circumstances under which these business meetings are conducted — is there anything unusual about them? For instance, have any of these conferences been scheduled after working hours or arranged in locations (like a cocktail lounge) that might be considered inappropriate?

If not, is it possible that some aspect of the wife’s concerns stems from previous hurts and difficult experiences? Is there something in her family background — a divorce, an affair, abuse or neglect of some kind — that might help account for her anxiety? Does she struggle with feelings of insecurity or low self-esteem? Do she and her husband find it hard to talk about deep thoughts and emotions? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, the couple should seek professional assistance. A trained therapist can help them perform an assessment of their marriage and point out both the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship.

If you find yourself in a situation like this, it might be to your advantage to seek out the guidance and support of a larger community and to make yourself accountable to others who can hold both of you to a high standard of marital commitment. Many churches offer support groups or adult Sunday school classes designed specifically to help couples build stronger marriages. It would be a good idea to get connected with a class or group of this nature and make it a regular part of your lives.

Finally, consider the possibility of taking advantage of Focus on the Family’s online Couple Checkup, an assessment tool available via the ministry’s Website at http://www.family.org/couplecheckup/ for a small fee.

The bottom line here is communication. The process of building healthy boundaries and protective hedges in marriage begin at home, and the key to success is a couple’s willingness to talk openly and honestly about their respective wants, needs, desires, and concerns.

from Infidelity: Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

‘So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand—even your stronger hand—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.’ Matthew 5:29-30(NLT)

One of the most dangerous things about an affair is the way it can sneak up on you when least expected. For example: sometimes there are two couples who have a great friendship going when, lo and behold, the husband of Couple Number One finds himself becoming emotionally entangled with the wife of Couple Number Two. That’s bad enough. It can also be extremely difficult to resolve. But let’s assume that these star-crossed lovers do manage to resolve the issue successfully. Let’s say that they see the error of their ways, repent of their poor choices, and patch things up with their respective spouses.

What happens then? Does everything go back to the way it was before the affair happened? Do the four friends resume their old relationship and live happily ever after?
The answer, of course, is no. And the reason is simple: it’s a matter of protecting and preserving the two marriages involved. Nothing is worth placing them in a position of continuing risk.

In a case like this, there are really no two ways about it. The friendship between the two couples has to be terminated for the good of all involved. When marital unfaithfulness has occurred, one of the most important elements of the reconciliation process — perhaps the most important element — is a willingness on the part of the offending spouse to take responsibility for his or her actions and face up to the real-life consequences of the mistakes he or she has made. Those consequences can assume a number of shapes and show up on several different levels. In this situation, the loss of the friendship with the other couple has to be included among the casualties.

If this seems harsh or hard to grasp, imagine that the affair took place not merely between two friends, but between two co-workers. Would it be possible, once the infidelity was past, for the participants to revert to “life as usual” in the office? Hardly. Under such conditions, the best way for the guilty parties to protect and defend their marriages would be to give two weeks’ notice and start looking for new jobs.

If you, the reader, ever find yourself in a position like this, there’s just one thing to do: circumstances permitting and all other things being equal, remove yourself from the vicinity of the individual with whom you’ve been unfaithful and stay as far away from him or her as possible.

There can be no question of an “ongoing friendship” in the aftermath of an affair. It’s foolish to place yourself in the way of continuing temptation. You may think you’ve got the situation under control, but the affair can re-occur if you’re not careful. As the writer of Proverbs asks, “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched?” (Proverbs 6:27, 28). The answer, of course, is no. The best thing you can do is cut all ties with the person or couple concerned and move on.

from Infidelity: Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

‘Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. ‘ James 5:16(NLT)

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where, without your spouse’s knowledge, you began to develop feelings of attraction for the spouse of a close friend or business partner that have progressed beyond wayward thoughts or random impulses ? Were those feelings mutual? Are you by any chance facing a situation of this kind right now? If so, you and the other person need to do something about it before things get out of hand. To be specific, you need to find a way to put some safeguards in place to protect your respective marriages and preserve the integrity of your relationship with the Lord. The key is to establish some form of accountability, even at the cost of jeopardizing a longtime friendship or business partnership.

The solution is fairly straightforward. Each of you needs to locate an objective third party — a mentor, “confessor,” counselor, or prayer partner of the same sex — with whom you can talk and pray about your feelings in strictest confidence. It would be best if this person were someone who knows both you and your spouse. He or she should definitely be a Christian believer who values biblical truths and principles. Your confidant should also be committed to keeping your secret and protecting your reputation, and genuinely concerned to help you preserve the integrity of your marriage.

Once you’ve selected your mentor, we’d advise you to ask him or her to come alongside you in your efforts to build hedges around your marital relationship. Work together to come up with a specific strategy for resisting temptation. Don’t naively assume that it’s enough to acknowledge your feelings. Those feelings constitute a huge red flag for you — spiritually and psychologically as well as relationally — and you need to take some definite steps to nip them in the bud.

Bear in mind that an “emotional affair” of this nature isn’t really about the affair. It’s about something else that’s going on at some deeper level in your marriage — some problem, difficulty or insecurity that you’ve probably been wrestling with for a long, long time. In all likelihood, the feelings that have developed between you and your friend’s spouse are related to the troubles you and your spouse are experiencing in this hidden place. Your first job, then, is to deal with these marital issues. Only then will you be able to clear away the emotional cobwebs that are clouding your relationships with other people. This can best be accomplished with the help of a professional marriage counselor. Ideally, you should begin the counseling process as an individual. Once you and the therapist have had a chance to work through some of your more complicated personal “stuff,” it will be important to bring your spouse into the mix for a series of sessions as a couple.

A word of warning: it may not be possible to resolve this problem and to preserve the friendship or business partnership at the same time. When all’s said and done, the original relationship may have to be left behind in the interest of getting back on the right track. But the sacrifice will be worth it. Neither the loss of a friendship nor the dissolution of a company is too great a price to pay for the preservation of your marriage. You and your spouse have made sacred vows and promises to one another in the presence of God and His people. Your first priority is to stay faithful to the charge you took upon yourselves at the altar, no matter what the cost. It’s a question of remembering where your real loyalties lie.

from Infidelity: Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

‘Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.’ Psalms 139:23(NLT)

‘Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.’ Psalms 139:24(NLT)

Accountability in marriage — both with your spouse and with friends who are committed to helping you maintain purity and integrity — is always extremely important. But there are some things that are better kept between you and the Lord.

This principle is especially applicable in certain cases where you feel yourself developing an emotional or physical attraction to someone other than your spouse. It’s most apropos of all when that someone happens to be one of your spouse’s close friends or associates. Under these circumstances, it’s a good idea to stop and think before going public with your emotions. Accountability is one thing, but it’s something else to burden your spouse with every wayward thought and every questionable impulse that passes through your mind. We’re all sinners, and we all struggle with temptation every day of our lives. Each and every one of us has to deal with our share of “internal garbage.” That doesn’t mean that we need to dump it on the people around us.

Being honest with your spouse in the sense of telling the truth isn’t the same thing as revealing every feeling you’ve ever had. Yes, couples should be frank and open with each other, but they also need to examine the intent of the heart in determining just how “honest” they should be. In the name of openness and accountability some people give their spouses too much information about past and present sinful actions and thoughts. Detail and timing are always crucial considerations. Silence isn’t necessarily dishonest — in fact, sometimes the loving thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.

This is particularly true when no sinful act has been committed, no other person has been harmed or defrauded, and there is no broken relationship in need of repair. As the apostle James writes, “Each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown, brings forth death” (James 1:14, 15). If and when your inappropriate emotions find expression in inappropriate words and actions — and we hope and pray this never happens — that will be the time for accountability, remorse, and confession. Until then, you’re better off keeping this matter between yourself and the Lord. He knows the deepest thoughts and intentions of your heart, and He alone has the power to heal you and change you from the inside out.

Let’s expand on that last thought a bit. If a storm of this nature is raging inside you, we’d suggest that you need to get serious about doing business with God. Instead of dumping on your spouse and jeopardizing your marriage, you should be confessing your illicit feelings to Him. Remember the words of David in Psalm 51:4 — “Against You and You only have I sinned and done this evil in Your sight.” Make this prayer your prayer. Ask God to give you the strength to stay faithful to your marriage vows. In the meantime, say and do only what you believe to be in the best interests of your spouse, his or her friend, and your marriage.

from Infidelity: Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

‘But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:2-3(NLT)

Marriage is an exclusive relationship. This point has to be settled at the beginning if we’re to understand anything at all about the biblical design for matrimony.

What does this mean in practice? Does it imply that it’s wrong for a married person to have friends of the opposite gender? Not necessarily. Obviously, many married folks enjoy healthy, non-romantic friendships with individuals of the opposite sex. But it’s crucial to handle them wisely and to keep your eyes wide open for hidden pitfalls. If you want to preserve the health of your marriage, you need to place protective “boundaries” on these relationships.

The truth is that it’s far easier than you may think to cross the line from a platonic friendship into a seemingly “harmless” romance. The danger is especially high when you and the person in question have a great deal in common. If these shared interests and a compatibility of temperament lead you to entertain “innocuous” thoughts such as, “This person understands me far better than my spouse,” you’re already treading on treacherous ground.

The Bible gives us some clear guidelines about our behavior with persons of the opposite sex. Ephesians 5:6 warns us to avoid even a “hint” of sexual immorality or any kind of impurity. Second Peter 3:11 commands us to live “holy and godly lives.” The lesson taught in these verses is plain: even where intentions are pure, a Christian who is concerned to maintain godly character and present a Christ-like example to the watching world has to be extremely careful in the way he or she manages opposite-sex friendships. Protecting one’s marriage is always the first priority.

from Infidelity: Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

‘Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. ‘ 1 Corinthians 6:18(NLT)

What do you do when you sense that you’re in the presence of serious danger? Say it’s a dark night in a big city and you see a gang of thugs emerging from the shadows of a deserted alley. Do you saunter up to them and ask the time? Do you casually observe that it’s a nice evening for a walk? Or do you turn tail and run?

The “young man” who figures so memorably in Mark’s narrative of the events of Maundy Thursday evening (probably Mark himself) didn’t have time to ponder the question. He had a pretty strong inkling of what was coming when the Temple guards, after arresting Jesus, turned and grabbed him by his linen night shirt. Under the circumstances, he didn’t wait to hear his rights read. Instead, he left his garment in their hands and took off like the wind, becoming the first (and only) streaker in biblical history. Indecent exposure was the last thing on his mind that night. This was a matter of life and death.

Affairs are every bit as dangerous as muggers or hostile soldiers. They hang above the married man or woman like clouds of death. They presage the complete destruction of his or her marriage — the end of everything that makes life worth living. How odd, then, that some folks, instead of running from infidelity, seem to get a thrill out of toying with the possibility of an extramarital dalliance. They enjoy the excitement of seeing how close to the edge they can get without crossing over. If that’s you, take fair warning: sometimes sticking your toe over the line is all it takes.

You’ve probably heard of black holes. They’re a fascinating component of outer space. The defining feature of a black hole is the imaginary boundary surrounding it. Scientists call this boundary the “Event Horizon.” On one side, an object passing by can resist the black hole’s gravitational pull. But cross that imaginary line, and the gravitational field is so strong not even light can escape its pull.

An extramarital affair has its own event horizon. You may flirt with a co-worker and believe it’s innocent fun. But if this kind of behavior is allowed to go on, it will eventually lead to lunch dates and exchanging texts and e-mails. Sooner or later, you’ll cross a boundary — just one toe over the line — and guess what? It’s too late. You’re emotionally sucked in and, for all practical purposes, there’s no escape. All pretense of innocent fun will be cast aside, and you’ll throw yourself into the relationship with no thought of the consequences.

Here’s the scariest part. You can’t see an affair’s event horizon. You won’t realize you’ve crossed the line until it’s too late. That’s why the wise choice is not to stick your toe out there in the first place. If you do, there’s a good chance that you’ll end up getting sucked in. Better to go out of your way to avoid that possibility altogether.

from Infidelity: Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

‘But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”’ Matthew 7:26-27(NLT)

In His famous Parable of the Two Foundations, Jesus talked about the importance of using reliable materials and building upon something solid. A house founded upon sand is almost certain to topple. So is a building whose structure is riddled with cracks and hidden weak spots. In a figurative sense, the very same thing can be said about the relationship between husband and wife.

What do you do when you see a crack developing? Ignore it? Cover it with paint? Or do you figure out the source of the problem and fix it? Your answer could make a big difference in your marriage.

In 1995, employees at a five-story department store in Seoul, South Korea noticed cracks developing around one of the support columns. Despite warnings from the engineer who built the complex, the store’s owner refused to close the building for repairs. It was a minor problem, he insisted. But, in reality, the crack was a symptom of a much larger structural failure. That became evident just a few hours later when the entire building collapsed, killing over five hundred people.

Similar catastrophes take place within marriages every day. Couples often notice the cracks in their marriage, but they choose to ignore them. The problem seems so small and insignificant. Why deal with it now and go through all that emotional upheaval for nothing? What couples fail to recognize is the crack may be the first sign of a larger issue developing within the relationship. Ignore those problems, and the structure of the marriage could weaken over time, bringing the whole thing crashing to the ground.
If you want a healthy marriage, look beneath the cracks in your relationship and address the underlying problems hiding there. Strengthen your marriage by addressing small problems before they become large ones.

from Infidelity: Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

‘Then Jesus began teaching them with stories: “A man planted a vineyard. He built a wall around it, dug a pit for pressing out the grape juice, and built a lookout tower. Then he leased the vineyard to tenant farmers and moved to another country. ‘ Mark 12:1(NLT)

A healthy, thriving marriage is like a grapevine or a garden: to a certain extent, it needs to be walled in and protected from outside influences that might pose a threat to its continued growth and fruitfulness. This is often a subtle and delicate business, for those threats can sometimes come disguised as opportunities for altruistic ministry to others.

Consider the case of the man whose sister-in-law was having marital difficulties and reached out to him for support, counsel, and advice. This man’s wife was uneasy about the proposed “counseling session,” and with good reason. Her feeling was that, no matter how important it might be to help this struggling woman, it’s still vital to maintain proper boundaries in marriage. She sensed that she and her husband needed to protect their own relationship. In this she was absolutely right. The kind of help the sister-in-law was seeking requires a level of intimacy and trust between counselor and counselee that simply isn’t appropriate between a woman and a man who isn’t her spouse (unless, of course, the man is a professional therapist — and even then it’s important to proceed with great care).

In a scenario like this, it would be preferable for the sister-in-law to come over and talk with the man and his wife in the context of a group discussion. That would be the best way to get his input if she really wants it. What’s more, there’s an important sense in which she’d be much better off consulting with another female. A caring Christian woman would be in a far stronger position to relate to the distress she’s experiencing.

Bottom line: nobody who finds himself or herself caught in the throes of a difficult marriage should be looking to a married friend or relative of the opposite sex for help and comfort. To do so is to place the healthy marriage in jeopardy. Thriving couples should be intentional about building walls and hedges against this sort of intrusion into the sacred intimacy they share as husband and wife.

As an alternative, they should encourage a struggling friend to engage the assistance of a Christian marriage-and-family counselor. If the institution of marriage is to be honored as God intends (Hebrews 13:4), it’s in everyone’s best interest to set and maintain appropriate marital boundaries. This is the most effective way for a healthy couple to stay on the right track and prevent the enemy of their souls from driving a wedge between them.

from Infidelity: Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage