Tag: How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle

‘Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.’ Proverbs 19:11(NLT)

If you are anything like me, then choosing not to take things personally can seem like a daunting task. In a society in which we constantly seek approval and are often taught that the approval of others defines us, it is easy to fall into the trap of becoming offended.

This has happened to me on many occasions with Rachel.

During her custody battle she once said to me, “I am the one they will hold responsible, not you.” 

Let me tell you, I instantly became offended!

Why? Because I was thinking about myself and my feelings. I had failed to take into consideration the fact that in the past, when she had felt that a particular request by her ex was unreasonable based on the parenting agreement, the magistrate had responded, “Well, yeah, it reads that way, but what’s the harm in giving him what he wants?” Even after showing numerous times how she had been flexible with her ex’s requests and seemed to be the only one following the agreement, in the few times someone felt she wasn’t being flexible, it was frowned upon.

My failure to see things from a selfless perspective caused me to take her statement as a personal attack or to feel that she was isolating me from the custody battle. In my mind, I was as much involved in the battle as she was financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.

The truth is, she was overwhelmed, and I wasn’t. She dreaded going to court and being in a room of individuals where she felt alone and attacked. I was unable to go into the courtroom or magistrate’s chamber with her. Her ex’s attorney couldn’t care less about me and only wanted to speak with Rachel. My opinion was not considered by others involved in the case in most circumstances. My wife was carrying most of the burden herself.

How can we not take things personally when supporting our spouse through their custody battle?

We can consider why our spouse may have spoken a particular way.

We can also be proactive rather than reactive. 

These simple steps will not only set us up for fewer personal offenses during the custody process but will also help our spouse feel as if we are supporting them and that we care about even the things we cannot control.

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‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

‘Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:14(NLT)

One of the hardest things to do, for me anyway, is to be “slow to speak” (James 1:19). Listening is easy—my wife speaks, and I listen. It’s that simple. She sends words out of her mouth that my ears catch and take to my brain. Now the problem for me is what happens next: almost instantly my brain floods with a plethora of ideas, workarounds, new perspectives, or potential solutions, even though Rachel didn’t ask for them. It is as if a dam breaks and the water instantly begins flooding the surrounding area, covering everything—and sometimes causing damage.

When we listen with our ears, we tend to rationalize and instantly attempt to find solutions. This could be because our ears are so close to our brains (of course, this statement is not based on any in-depth scientific research on my part; it’s just a random thought). What I do know from real-life experience is that listening with our hearts allows us to understand our spouse’s perspective with compassion. It allows our hearts to reconnect, to feel what they feel, increasing the desire for us to let them know they are not alone.

We can become the listeners our spouses need.

Here are a few practical ways of doing that.

At the beginning of a conversation, we can remind ourselves that a solution is not necessary unless requested. This way our brains will not get stuck on one particular part of the story as we try to find a solution for each problem.

As we listen, we can try to understand how our spouse is feeling, not think about how we are feeling. This will allow us to respond according to their needs and not according to what we think their needs are.

We can remember that we don’t always have to respond to everything. Sometimes it’s good just to listen and tell our spouse that we understand how they feel and that we are sorry they are going through such a difficult experience.

Finally, we can simply ask our spouse what we can do to help them. This lets them know that we are willing to take action but won’t do it without their approval.

Being quick to listen and slow to speak can be challenging, but it is a great habit that is worth learning both for now and for later on in our marriage.

from How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle

‘Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:4(NLT)

‘We who are strong must be considerate of those who are sensitive about things like this. We must not just please ourselves. ‘ Romans 15:1(NLT)

I had never thought of myself as a prideful person. I am one of the first to lend a helping hand in any area. I am willing to sacrifice and almost always ready to give to someone in need.

How could I possibly be prideful?

But as I read two amazing books that helped me to gain a better understanding of pride— I realized I actually had a problem with it in some areas.

This was made clear one day when my wife and I disciplined one of our seven children. One of our kids had made a poor choice, and I instantly responded by  yelling, taking several privileges away, including some after-school activities our child loved to do. Then I sent them to their room.

This just so happened to occur right after my wife and I had discussed not responding to our kids in anger but rather parenting them with a specific goal in mind: not to see poor actions repeated.

Clearly my response with our child showed that I hadn’t taken our discussion fully to heart.

To be honest, at Rachel’s request I had instantly became offended and upset. I had responded with a short answer: “Yeah, okay, whatever.” Why had I responded this way? The answer is simple: pride.

When we are walking through our spouse’s custody battle with them, we have to be willing not only to set aside our pride but also to make some compromises in our homes and our parenting. Healthy compromise on matters of parenting or other issues in the home is a great way to kill off pride and help us have greater sensitivity to what is going on with our spouse during this process.

If we view the situation from our spouse’s perspective and make his or her concerns our own, then we will be better able to accept some of these compromises. The question we need to ask ourselves is, what do we consider a win? Is it getting what we want or working with our spouse to find a balance that is best for both of us? 

Compromise can be an invaluable tool. It may mean coming to common ground on an issue with our spouse, even if we don’t fully agree, or that being right or being the winner in a situation is not worth our spouse feeling unhappy or unsupported by us.

from How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle

‘Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. ‘ Galatians 6:2(NLT)

My wife, Rachel, and I had very different parenting styles when we first married and created a blended family of five kids (and added two later). This caused a lot of frustration at the beginning of our marriage. Eventually, however, we took action by taking courses, reading books, and engaging in long, frustrating conversations, and over time we began to develop our own blended family story.

A major area of contention was discipline. Rachel seemed to have mastered the importance of discipleship in discipline—the idea of disciplining not to punish but to help a child change his or her behavior—but this was a real struggle for me (and still is at times). But we made a lot of progress in this area, and as we began to parent as one, we saw a major shift in our marriage and family dynamic.

Until the custody battle began!

In this devotional, I share my journey of supporting my spouse through a custody battle. My desire is that you will walk away from reading this knowing how you can support your spouse during his or her custody battle—and why your support is so essential.

from How to Support Your Spouse Through A Custody Battle