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Saving Marriage ZZ

Marriage Is the Goal

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:14(NLT)

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:25-33(NLT)

I guess you’ve noticed by now that I am powerfully pro-marriage. Why? Because God is powerfully and irrevocably pro-marriage. Marriage is God’s plan A. Actually, that’s not true. Marriage is God’s only plan for two persons who love each other. He offers no other options.

You and I have a choice. We can trust Him completely, or we can choose not to and follow our own plan. But what is the track record of couples following their own plans? Abysmal.

Marriage offers the maximum amount of commitment, love, passion, joy, and security possible in an opposite-sex relationship. Marriage offers you the best in a romantic relationship from the one true God. Marriage is a sacred relationship in God’s eyes. He will always bless your efforts to improve your marriage and grow your love.

God is not the God of dating forever. He is not the God of endless engagement. He is not the God of living together. He is the God of marriage.

from Honey, We Need To Talk

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Saving Marriage ZZ

We Need to Talk About Our Emotional Intimacy

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. ‘ Romans 12:10-14(NLT)

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” ‘ Genesis 2:18(NLT)

‘In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.’ 1 Peter 3:7(NLT)

‘Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. ‘ Malachi 2:15(NLT)

I’ve spent the last thirty years observing thousands of couples and how they communicate with one another. What have I discovered about how couples communicate? When it comes to intimacy, one partner works hard to get it, and the other partner works hard to resist it.

It’s the same old communication problem that has plagued every couple since Adam and Eve: The woman presses for closeness, and the man resists her. She works her crowbar, and he keeps his clam shut. She tries to get him to open up and share, and he keeps everything inside.

I have a simple solution to the clam/crowbar predicament.

Have three thirty-minute Couple Talk Times each week. Each weekend sit down together and schedule these for the upcoming week. Talking about one topic in one sitting will never get you intimacy. Talking about one topic in three sessions, with both of you doing further processing in between settings, will get you intimacy.

I want you to believe and embrace something right now: Virtually all of your emotional intimacy will occur in these thirty-minute Couple Talk Times. You can connect in a conversation only when you escape life and its distractions. True connection happens only under these conditions.

from Honey, We Need To Talk

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Saving Marriage ZZ

We Need to Talk About Our Needs

‘You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.’ Song of Songs 4:7(NLT)

‘Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.’ Colossians 3:19(NLT)

‘The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:3-5(NLT)

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. ‘ Ecclesiastes 4:9(NLT)

You and your partner have core needs. These needs require both of you to practice specific behaviors that make each of you feel loved. These needs are normal, innate, and God-given. They are personality based, an essential part of who you are, and they don’t change over your lifetime.

To feel truly loved, you must have your core needs met on a regular basis. And they can be met only by your significant other.

(It must be stated here that as individuals we have needs in our lives that only God can meet.)

But here’s the catch. It will be very difficult for you to meet each other’s core needs. It will not come naturally. In fact, meeting your partner’s core needs will be your area of greatest weakness. Doesn’t seem fair, does it? Well, who said love is fair? Love is hard.

Tell your partner your top three core needs. Ask your partner how you are doing meeting his or her core needs.

For my wife and I, our daily need-meeting system has made a huge difference in our relationship. We are convinced it will do the same for you and your partner.

from Honey, We Need To Talk

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Saving Marriage ZZ

We Need to Talk About God

‘Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. ‘ James 5:16(NLT)

‘Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.’ 1 John 4:7-8(NLT)

‘So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. ‘ Colossians 3:5(NLT)

‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. ‘ Galatians 5:13(NLT)

Share your individual spiritual lives. Take five minutes to tell your partner how you’re doing in your relationship with Jesus. Share in detail what’s happening in your spiritual life.

  • Descriptions of your daily quiet times
  • Insights gained from your Bible reading
  • Ways you’re applying the Bible to your life
  • Spiritual victories
  • Spiritual defeats
  • Spiritual doubts and questions
  • Areas of temptation
  • Ways God is guiding you day by day

Be honest and be specific. Sometimes you’ll talk about the exciting, positive things God is doing in your life and how close you are to Him. Sometimes you’ll talk about how you are struggling with God and feel distant from Him.

Encourage and support each other. On your own you cannot experience significant spiritual growth. Real, deep spiritual growth always occurs in the context of relationship.

I think you can see that this kind of spiritual talk is very personal and intimate and requires courage. It will create a strong spiritual bond. It will also create a strong emotional bond through the interesting, stimulating, and revealing conversations it creates for the two of you. And your spiritual and emotional intimacy will lead to better-than-ever physical intimacy.

from Honey, We Need To Talk

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Saving Marriage ZZ

It’s Time to Talk

‘The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:3(NLT)

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ‘ Ephesians 4:2-3(NLT)

‘There are three things that amaze me— no, four things that I don’t understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman.’ Proverbs 30:18-19(NLT)

‘let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Mark 10:9(NLT)

I know the secret to deep, lifelong intimacy between a man and a woman.

I’m not kidding. I really do know the secret.

The secret is this: learning to tell each other the truth about practically everything.

I say learning because no one has the natural ability or inclination to communicate clearly and deeply with the opposite sex. No one.

When we begin a relationship, we are not prepared or even able to be open and honest with the other person. Quite the opposite, in fact.

We hide the truth. We hold back the truth. We distort the truth. We have no idea how to truly connect in conversation and get to know each other. Why? We don’t speak the truth because it is human nature to protect oneself and not be vulnerable. Sharing truth, especially with the person we are closest to, exposes us to potential harm and pain. It feels a lot safer to keep truth hidden.

It is the unspoken things that limit intimacy and eventually kill it. It is what we don’t say that keeps us from the soul-mate closeness that we need and that God wants us to enjoy. It’s time for real talk about real issues.

Let’s get to work.

from Honey, We Need To Talk