Tag: Heroic Husbandry: Reclaiming Hero Status in Your Marriage

‘So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need. Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.’ Ephesians 4:25-29(NLT)

‘We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.’ James 3:3-12(NLT)

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:10(NLT)

I’m not a fan of phone calls, especially when I’m “in the groove” at work. 

When my wife calls, I often get short with her. Plain mean sometimes. 

For whatever reason, the “interruption” triggers me. Countless arguments have been caused, and wonderful days ruined, because of my poisonous words and overall lack of honor towards her. 

The Bible warns us of the tongue’s fire. It is a world of unrighteousness, a restless evil. 

Our words matter.

That’s why commands are given to build each other up and (my personal favorite) to “outdo one another in showing honor.” (Romans 12:10) The verb “outdo” is a competitive verb. Heroic Husbands don’t lose this competition. We don’t win by how much honor we can accrue for ourselves. No, we win the day by honoring others, and it is our bride who should receive the bulk of it.

Your wife is like a garden. Gardens exist to be seen as beautiful, to be lingered in, and be treasured. While everyone else must marvel from afar, it is only you she invites in. You follow the radiant, sun-kissed paths of who she is; and though it is not perfection, it is lovely. She is lovely. And it is her desire for you to cherish her innate, God-given beauty. 

When my wife invites me in, and I tromp around with a tongue set on “Scorch Mode,” I damage her. I defile the very grounds I’m meant to protect and admire. 

Little nags, critiques, “hints”, and (crucially) lack of compliments, flirts, and honor are not heroic. 

Pause and consider life from your wife’s perspective for a moment. Think about how she cares for people at work, the home, the kids, on and on. Visualize going about the ordinary, overlooked, un-thanked tasks of her day, all that’s required to maintain a healthy household, thriving relationships, a stable reputation, or a progressing career. Are not these duties worthy of honor?

Husband, this is our call to action. We must shower our wives with words of honor.

I bet there is ground to reclaim here, because damage has been done. I know there is for me. 

When we fail,– as we will – we must apologize swiftly. Then get back at it.

Relentlessly choose to honor your bride with your words, even if she calls at an inconvenient time.

from Heroic Husbandry: Reclaiming Hero Status in Your Marriage

‘For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. ‘ Ephesians 5:25-28(NLT)

‘See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don’t recognize that we are God’s children because they don’t know him. Dear friends, we are already God’s children, but he has not yet shown us what we will be like when Christ appears. But we do know that we will be like him, for we will see him as he really is. ‘ 1 John 3:1-2(NLT)

Many men focus on romance before the altar, forgetting that true romance, flirtation, and fun actually begins after the altar. This is where the uncharted territory commences. This is where Heroic Husbands call home.

A husband fails when he thinks, “Whew! We’re married now. Glad I sealed the deal. Thankful I ‘beat the game.’ Now that she’s mine, time to sit back and chill.” 

Marriages that deconstruct into divorce forget how to have fun as a couple. They exchange rings and vows, and then the pursuit fades away. 

You see, pursuit is downright essential to every marriage, which is why dating – crazy-fun, expectation-shattering dating are so important. 

Heroic Husbandry is a pursuing husbandry.

Start by looking at your wife and dreaming: “what can I do this week to usher unfathomable joy into her life?” Yes, it’s that simple. Secretly brainstorm and think: next step. 

So, planning a dinner date is good. (Especially if she’s not expecting it.) But how can you take the next step? Maybe call the restaurant ahead and arrange a romantic (or silly!) shtick that the waiter is in on. Get creative. And crazy. Then, if you’re daring enough, take another step! Have a hand-written letter leaning against her pillow when she gets home, titled, ‘7 Things I Cherish About  You.’ 

Husband, honestly – like, honestly – this is easy stuff. It just takes intentionality – unchaining of the romantic monster that is in you. Delete the first seven excuses popping into your mind right now, and get after her. 

Jesus, our True Hero, pursues us with an abundant love. His finished work on the cross abundantly, overflowingly, excessively rescued us from our sin, restored us to God, and guaranteed us a bright future with Him. Therefore, when you pursue her with an abundant love, you’re loving her like Christ loved the church. That is Heroic Husbandry. 

And here’s what’s cool. As much as she will benefit from it, you will benefit, too. She’ll tell everyone how heroic her husband is, reciting stories of your heroism around the family table for decades to come.

Husband, stay fun, think up those next steps, and heroically pursue. 

from Heroic Husbandry: Reclaiming Hero Status in Your Marriage

‘You are beautiful, my darling, beautiful beyond words. Your eyes are like doves behind your veil. Your hair falls in waves, like a flock of goats winding down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are as white as sheep, recently shorn and freshly washed. Your smile is flawless, each tooth matched with its twin. Your lips are like scarlet ribbon; your mouth is inviting. Your cheeks are like rosy pomegranates behind your veil. Your neck is as beautiful as the tower of David, jeweled with the shields of a thousand heroes. Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the lilies. Before the dawn breezes blow and the night shadows flee, I will hurry to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense. You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way. Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon. Come down from Mount Amana, from the peaks of Senir and Hermon, where the lions have their dens and leopards live among the hills. You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace.’ Song of Songs 4:1-9(NLT)

‘For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”’ Zephaniah 3:17(NLT)

Hero, never underestimate how much your wife craves your attention. 

A wife’s heart sings when her husband notices details even she doesn’t notice about herself.

This is what we see in Song of Solomon 4:1-9. It’s a Heroic Focus on his bride, starting with her eyes and going lower and lower. How wonderful! 

You get to cherish your wife and lavish her with your attention. She is worthy of knowing. You love to behold, she loves to be held. 

But the focus of a husband isn’t just sexual. It’s in ordinary moments, too. Those first five minutes coming home from work (or any activity) are crucial. They set the tone for the rest of the evening. 

Heroic Husbands win those moments. They don’t walk through the door while on the phone with someone else. They don’t stay in work mode, dwelling on unfinished projects. Instead, they choose to focus on their bride.

How, then, do you hit the ‘Mute’ button on everything else demanding your attention? How do you offer her an unhurried heart, allowing her to experience the full weight of your attention? Two words: human finitude.

Not what you were expecting? Allow me to explain. Rigged deep into the wiring of men is the yearning to be strong, capable, and competent. We hate to feel useless and weak. This can push us towards a Superman mentality. We try to do it all, to take on the world! But this gets us in trouble. We can’t be all places at once.

Wives who are well attended to have husbands who know their limits. Husbands that gladly admit, “Yeah, I’m no Superman. I can’t do it all. I did my best at work today. Now, I turn my attention elsewhere.” 

That’s Heroic Focus. It takes courage to let things go undone.

Husband, God made you finite on purpose. It’s not a result of the Fall and it’s not changing. You are a human, not Superman. You will never complete the to-do list. There’s not enough time in the day. Nor do you possess an infinite supply of attention. No, you’re working with limited resources.

The question is, how will you spend it? On her, or something else? 

Will you choose heroic focus?

from Heroic Husbandry: Reclaiming Hero Status in Your Marriage

‘For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion to God, while we look forward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed. He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people, totally committed to doing good deeds.’ Titus 2:11-14(NLT)

My favorite scenes in action movies are when the protagonist begins training to defeat his/her foe. It is during this training that, over time, they transition from zeroes to heroes. I think of Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai or even Po in Kung Fu Panda. I treasure these scenes.

As you train in Heroic Husbandry, there is one skill you must master – grace. Yes, grace. The essence of grace is treating someone better than they deserve. It is crucial to your relationship with your bride!

As you follow Jesus, pay close attention to how He treats you better than you deserve. The more you do, the more you begin to treat your bride better than she deserves in all things, big and small. This is a self-controlled, upright, and godly life. This is Heroic Husbandry.

But this can be hard to do, especially in the face of criticism. How many times have you entered dialogue, fully intending to reconcile things, only to be thrown off the rails by a single, harsh comment by that lovely lady of yours? We’ve all been there. I have.

What we need is a shield.

If I asked you to picture Captain America, you’d probably first picture his shield. He’s known for it. It’s legendary! Bullets, blades, and bad guys hit that shield to no avail. It endures.

You, too, hero, must be known for your shield. Your ‘grace shield’. 

It doesn’t matter how good our intentions are, without a  ‘grace shield’ even mild criticism can render us explosive.

Okay, now picture Thor holding his hammer aloft, lightning surging down from the clouds, entering him, and then thundering out of him. Husband, this is Jesus’ desire for you. (Not that you become the God of Thunder, but that His grace will flow from heaven and bless your bride through you. No matter how many rude remarks, sinful eye-rolls, or distorted facts flung your way, the grace shield endures and God’s power flows – for her sake. 

So, next time a nag comes your way, use your ‘grace shield’. Treat her better than she deserves. 

She may not appreciate it right away, but that’s okay. A real hero doesn’t need to be thanked.

from Heroic Husbandry: Reclaiming Hero Status in Your Marriage

‘Oh, how I love your instructions! I think about them all day long. Your commands make me wiser than my enemies, for they are my constant guide. Yes, I have more insight than my teachers, for I am always thinking of your laws. I am even wiser than my elders, for I have kept your commandments. I have refused to walk on any evil path, so that I may remain obedient to your word. I haven’t turned away from your regulations, for you have taught me well. How sweet your words taste to me; they are sweeter than honey. Your commandments give me understanding; no wonder I hate every false way of life.
Nun
Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path. I’ve promised it once, and I’ll promise it again: I will obey your righteous regulations.’ Psalms 119:97-106(NLT)

I will always remember the day Captain “Sully” famously landed US Airways Flight 1549 on the Hudson River! People praised him for pulling off an extraordinary task, but he explained it differently: years and years and years of quiet, monotonous study, practice, and teaching safety protocol. When his plane barreled into that flock of geese – which shut off the engines – Sully didn’t frantically search for the manual, screaming, “What do I do?!” He already knew. Sully had every nuanced scenario memorized. It was second nature to him. Anything less than that would’ve spelled disaster for those 155 passengers.

This is a wonderful picture for Heroic Husbandry. Like Sully, we must be the sort of husbands that can handle every situation thrown our way in marriage, because we’ve faithfully studied the manual. The guide. Whether it’s Luke with Yoda or a pirate with his map, every hero has his guide. For Heroic Husbands, our guide is the Bible. 

When we study the Bible, we learn about Jesus – the ultimate Heroic Husband.

But how does one master the Bible like Sully mastered the training manual? 

Not easily, hero. There is no shortcut to learning Scripture just like there’s no easy way to land a plane atop water! But it is possible. It is within your grasp! What’s important is making your commitment today. Even if it’s just five minutes, it counts. It matters. Then stick to it tomorrow.  

Study the Bible more than you ever have. Steep your soul in it. As Horatius Bonar wrote, “Transfuse it through the whole texture of the soul.” In that holy time before His Word, aim for these twin goals: to both know and obey God.

The accumulated time and effort you put in will snowball into something larger. Then when unexpected challenges knock out your engines, you’ll know what to do.

That’s when your wife will notice, and be blessed.

from Heroic Husbandry: Reclaiming Hero Status in Your Marriage