Tag: Help For A Hurting Marriage

‘Justice is a joy to the godly, but it terrifies evildoers.’ Proverbs 21:15(NLT)

‘So the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.’ Isaiah 30:18(NLT)

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

Try to remember the last time you experienced anger and ask, “Why did I get angry?” Chances are your answer will mention some injustice. Someone or something did not treat you fairly. Something was wrong. Your anger may have been directed toward a person, an object, or a situation, but in every instance you perceived that someone or something treated you wrongly. 

The capacity for anger is strong evidence that we are more than mere animals. It reveals our concern for rightness, justice and fairness. The experience of anger is evidence of our nobility — our being made in God’s image — not our depravity. We should thank God for our capacity to experience anger. When one ceases to experience anger, one has lost her sense of moral concern. Without moral concern, the world would be a dreadful place indeed. So what is the purpose of anger? More to the point, what is God’s purpose for human anger?

I believe that human anger is designed by God to motivate us to take constructive action in the face of wrongdoing or when facing injustice. This is illustrated by God Himself.

In the Old Testament, God would typically send a prophet to proclaim to the people His displeasure with their evil deeds and to call them to repentance. If the people repented, God’s anger subsided and all was well. If they did not repent, God took additional action. (See Jer. 3:12–14; Jonah 3:5, 7–10.) God’s anger was expressed in positive action. When God used drastic measures it was for the ultimate good of His creatures. His holiness will not allow God to remain silent when His children are involved in evil activity, and His love always seeks to express His anger for the larger good of humankind.

In the New Testament, we find that Jesus too took positive, loving action again the evil that had stirred His anger. Perhaps the best known of these events is when Jesus saw the merchants buying and selling in the temple in Jerusalem, making what should have been a house of prayer into a den of thieves (Matt. 21:13; John 2:15, 16). On another occasion, when He healed a man on the Sabbath, he was angered by the Pharisees’ legalistic thinking when they criticized Him for doing good on the Sabbath (Mark 3:4–5). 

What about us? Because, as we have seen, we bear the image of God, each of us has on some level a concern for righteousness, fairness and justice. Whenever we encounter that which we believe to be unrighteous, unkind or unjust, we experience anger. I believe that in God’s design, this anger is to motivate us to take positive, loving action to see to set the wrong right; and where there has been a relationship, to restore the relationship with the wrongdoer. Anger is not designed to drive us to do destructive things to the people who may have wronged us, nor does it give us license to say or do destructive things to our neighbors. Anger’s fundamental purpose is to motivate us to positive, loving action that will leave things better than when we found them.

The abolition of slavery in England and America came about because a significant number of people felt anger about social conditions. The story of William Wilberforce, a great man of faith, is familiar to many. For decades he waged a tireless crusade, delivering passionate speeches in Parliament detailing and decrying the evils of the slave trade. Across the ocean in the United States, a number of men and women looked at enslavement and said within their own hearts, This is not right. It took people motivated by anger at evil and injustice to prick the conscience of a nation. 

Anger is like a red light flashing on the dash of a car. It indicates that something needs attention. Anger can be a powerful and positive motivator, useful to move us toward loving action to right wrongs and correct injustice — but it can also become a raging, uncontrolled force. The difficulty is that all these wonderfully positive purposes of anger seem to elude us in the heat of anger. We forget about setting things right and end up making them worse. We need to learn to process anger in a positive way.

REACT: What are some things in the world that make God angry? How can you direct anger to conform to God’s nature?

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ‘ Philippians 4:8(NLT)

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman 

I believe that in every troubled marriage, one or both partners can take positive steps that have the potential for changing the emotional climate in a marriage. But first, they need to look at what they believe. I call this reality living.

Reality living begins by identifying the myths that have held you captive. Then it accepts them for what they are—myths, not truths. Reality living means you take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. It requires you to appraise your life situation honestly and refuse to shift the blame for your unhappiness to others. Here are four myths that many people in desperate marriages base their lives on.

Myth Number One: “My environment determines my state of mind.” This myth is expressed in statements like these: “If I grew up in a loving, supportive family, I will be a loving, supportive person.” “If I grew up in a dysfunctional family, then I am destined to failure in relationships.” “My emotional state depends on the actions of my spouse.” 

This kind of approach to life renders anyone helpless in a hostile environment. Your environment certainly affects who are you, but it does not control you. It may influence you, but it need not dictate or destroy your marriage or your life.

Myth Number Two: “People cannot change.” This myth asserts that once people reach adulthood, personality traits and behavior patterns are set in concrete. Those who believe this myth reason that if a spouse has demonstrated a certain behavior for a long period of time, he or she will continue to act this way. If you accept this myth as truth, you will experience feelings of futility and hopelessness. The fact is, you can find biographies of people—adults—who have made radical changes in their behavior patterns.

Myth Number Three: “In a troubled marriage, I have only two options—resigning myself to a life of misery or getting out of the marriage.” Those who believe this myth limit their horizons to two equally devastating alternatives and then become a prisoner of that choice. Thousands of people live in self-made prisons because they believe this myth of limited choices. Do not let yourself believe that you have only two options in a desperate marriage. Don’t simply settle for misery or divorce.

Myth Number Four: “Some situations are hopeless—and my situation is one of these.” The person who accepts this myth believes: Perhaps there is hope for others, but my marriage is hopeless. The hurt is too deep. The damage is irreversible. There is no hope. This kind of thinking leads to depression and sometimes even to suicide. You may have struggled in your marriage for years. You may feel that nothing you have tried has worked. You may even have had people tell you that your marriage is hopeless. Don’t let yourself believe that. Your marriage is not beyond hope. 

Reality living, which begins by recognizing the myths and continues by rejecting those myths, ends up embracing the positive actions that one individual can take to stimulate constructive change in a relationship.

REACT: Which of these myths have you believed? Do you agree that one person in a troubled relationship can take action to “stimulate constructive change”? What can you do today as one step? If your friend or loved one is in a strained marriage, how can you encourage them today? 

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Instead, I want to see a mighty flood of justice, an endless river of righteous living.’ Amos 5:24(NLT)

‘There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.’ James 2:13(NLT)

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

In a perfect world, there would be no need for apologies. But because the world is imperfect, we cannot survive without them. My academic background is in the field of anthropology, the study of human culture. One of the clear conclusions of the anthropologist is that all people have a sense of morality: Some things are right, and some things are wrong. People are incurably moral. In psychology, it is often called the conscience. In theology, it may be referred to as the “sense of ought” or the imprint of the divine.

It is true that the standard by which the conscience condemns or affirms is influenced by the culture. For example, in Inuit culture, if one is on a trek and runs out of food, it is perfectly permissible to enter the igloo of a stranger and eat whatever is available. In most other Western cultures, to enter an unoccupied house would be considered breaking and entering, an offense punishable as a crime. Although the standard of right will differ from culture to culture and sometimes within cultures, all people have a sense of right and wrong.

When one’s sense of right is violated, that person will experience anger. He or she will feel wronged and resentful at the person who has violated their trust. The wrongful act stands as a barrier between the two people, and their relationship has been fractured. They cannot, even if desired, live as though the wrong had not been committed. Jack, whose brother swindled him years ago, says, “Things have never been the same between us.” Whatever the offense something inside the offended calls for justice. It is these human realities that serve as the basis of all judicial systems. 

While justice may bring some sense of satisfaction to the offended person, justice does not typically restore relationships. If an employee who is found stealing from the company is caught, tried, and fined or imprisoned, everyone says, “Justice has been served.” But the company is not likely to restore the employee to the original place of leadership. On the other hand, if an employee steals from the company but quickly takes responsibility for the error, reports that misdeed to the supervisor, expresses sincere regret, offers to pay for all inequities, and pleads for mercy, there is the possibility that the employee will be allowed to continue with the company. 

Humankind has an amazing capacity to forgive. I remember a number of years ago visiting the town of Coventry, England. I stood in the shell of a cathedral that had been bombed by the Nazis in the Second World War. I listened as the guide told the story of the new cathedral that rose beside the ruins. Some years after the war, a group of Germans had come and helped build the new cathedral as an act of contrition for the damages their fellow countrymen had inflicted. Everyone had agreed to allow the ruins to remain in the shadow of the new cathedral. Both structures were symbolic: the one of man’s inhumanity to man, the other of the power of forgiveness and reconciliation. 

Something in us cries out for reconciliation when wrongdoing has fractured a relationship. The desire for reconciliation is often more potent than the desire for justice. The more intimate the relationship, the deeper the desire for reconciliation. When a husband treats his wife unfairly, in her hurt and anger she is pulled between a longing for justice and a desire for mercy. On the one hand, she wants him to pay for his wrongdoing; on the other hand, she wishes for reconciliation. It is his sincere apology that makes genuine reconciliation possible.

I have looked into the eyes of teenage rage and wondered how different life would be if an abusive father had apologized. Without apologies, anger builds and pushes us to demand justice. When, as we see it, justice is not forthcoming, we often take matters into our own hands and seek revenge on those who have wronged us. 

REACT: Do you agree with Dr. Chapman that “people are incurably moral”? Think of a story you’ve heard or experience you’ve had showing humankind’s “amazing capacity to forgive.”

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

‘Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground.” So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.’ Genesis 1:26-27(NLT)

Anger is everywhere. Spouses are angry at each other. Employees are angry at bosses. Teens are angry at parents (and vice versa). Citizens are angry at their government. Television news routinely shows angry demonstrators shouting their wrath or the weeping mother of a teen gunned down in an angry quarrel. Spend some time around a major airport when bad weather has canceled flights, and you will observe anger in action.

Many of us are angry at ourselves. Sometimes we are angry and think we “shouldn’t feel that way.” Or we observe our children expressing anger inappropriately and wonder how to teach them to deal with their anger.

Clearly, many of us have issues with anger. In addition, Christians are often confused about this powerful and complex emotion. For those who follow Christ, is there ever an appropriate expression of anger? What does the Bible say? Can anger ever be a good thing?

If you go online and type “anger” into a search engine, you will find an overwhelming amount of information. Yet most of what has been written does not deal with two fundamental questions: What is the origin of anger, and what is the purpose of anger? Understanding the origin of anger is essential to understanding the purpose of anger, and understanding the purpose of anger is essential to learning how to process anger in a constructive manner.

So where does anger come from? The answer may surprise you.

The human capacity for anger is rooted in the nature of God. Please do not think that I am being disrespectful of God. On the contrary, I stand in deep reverence of God when I suggest that human anger is rooted in the divine nature. I am suggesting that anger derives from two aspects of God’s divine nature: His holiness and His love.

The Scriptures proclaim that God is holy. The word holy means “set apart from sin.” Whether we are talking about God the Father, God the Son, or God the Spirit, there is no sin in the nature of God. 

A second fundamental characteristic of the nature of God is love. The apostle John summarized the whole teaching of Scripture when he said simply, “God is love” (1 John 4:8). Love is not to be equated with God; rather, in His essential nature God is loving. This is not simply the New Testament concept of God. From beginning to end, the Scriptures reveal God as committed to the well-being of His creatures. It is God’s nature to love. 

It is from these two divine characteristics that God’s anger is derived. Please note: The Scriptures never say, “God is anger.” That statement is not in fact, true. Anger is not a part of the essential nature of God.

God desires humans to do what is right and enjoy the benefits. Knowing the detrimental effects of sin, God’s anger is kindled. It is God’s concern for justice and righteousness (both of which grow out of His holiness and love) that stir God’s anger. Thus, when God sees evil, anger is His logical response to injustice or unrighteousness. 

What does all this have to do with human anger? The Scriptures say that we are made “in the image of God” (Gen. 1:27). Though that image was marred by the fall, it was not erased. People still bear the imprint of God’s image deep within their souls. Thus, even though we are fallen, we still have some concern for justice and rightness. Find the most pagan man you know and follow him for a week, and you will hear him make such statements as “That’s not right.” “He shouldn’t do that to her.” “She treated him wrongly.”

Anger, then, is the emotion that arises whenever we encounter what we perceive to be wrong. Anger is not evil; anger itself is not sinful; anger is not part of our fallen nature. Quite the contrary. Anger is evidence that we are made in God’s image; it demonstrates that we still have some concern for justice and righteousness in spite of our fallen state. 

REACT: How can anger reflect God’s image? Is this a new idea to you? Explain your understanding of anger being rooted in the nature of God.

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.’ Romans 15:13(NLT)

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman

Ours has been call the “Throwaway Society.” We buy our food in beautiful containers, which we then throw away. Our car and tech devices quickly become obsolete. We give our furniture to the secondhand shop not because it is no longer functional, but because it is no longer in style. We even “throw away” unwanted pregnancies. We sustain business relationships only so long as they are profitable to the bottom line. Thus, it is no shock that our society has come to accept the concept of a “throwaway marriage.” If you are no longer happy with your spouse, and your relationship has run on hard times, the easy thing is to abandon the relationship and start over.

I wish that I could recommend divorce as an option. When I listen to the deeply pained people in my office and at my seminars, my natural response is to cry, “Get out, get out, get out! Abandon the loser and get on with your life.” That would certainly be my approach if I had purchased bad stock. I would get out before the stock fell further. But a spouse is not a stock. A spouse is a person—a person with emotions, personality, desires and frustrations; a person to whom you were deeply attracted at one point in your life; a person for whom you had warm feelings and genuine care. So deeply were the two of you attracted to each other that you made a public commitment of your lives to each other, “so long as we both shall live.” Now you have a history together. You may even have parented children together.

No one can walk away from a spouse as easily as he or she can sell bad stock. Indeed, talk to most adults who have chosen divorce as the answer, and you will find the divorce was preceded by months of intense inner struggle, and that the whole ordeal is still viewed as a deeply painful experience.

Kristin was sitting in my office two years after her divorce from Dave. “Our marriage was bad,” she said, “but our divorce is even worse. I still have all the responsibilities I had when we were married, and now I have less time and less money. When we were married, I worked part-time to help out with the bills. Now I have to work full-time, which gives me less time with the girls. When I am at home, I seem to be more irritable. I find myself snapping at the girls when they don’t respond immediately to my requests.” 

And what about the children who watch their parents divorce? In Generation Ex, author and child of multiple divorces Jen Abbas writes candidly, “As I entered adulthood anticipating my hard-earned independence, I was stunned to discover that my parents’ divorces seemed to affect me more each year, not less.” 

Michael was all smiles when he said to me, “I finally met the love of my life. We’re going to get married and I’ve never been happier. Kelly has two kids, and I think they’re great. When I was going through my divorce, I never dreamed that I would be happy again. I now believe that I’m about to get my life back on track.”

Michael had been divorced for three years at the time of our conversation. However, six months after his marriage to Kelly, he was back in my office, complaining of his inability to get along with Kelly and her children. “I feel like an outsider,” he said. “She always puts the kids before me. I’ve never been so miserable in my life. How did I let myself get into this mess?” 

Through the years I have counseled enough divorced persons to know that while divorce removes some pressures, it creates a host of others. I am not naïve enough to suggest that divorce can be eliminated from the human landscape. I am saying, however, that divorce should be the last possible alternative. Far too many couples in our society have opted for divorce too soon and at too great a price. I believe that many divorced couples could have reconciled if they had sought and found proper help.

REACT: Perhaps you are in a tough marriage and thinking of giving up. Or a loved one or friend is in what seems to be a hopeless situation. You might think that no one understands the situation. But God does. Can you ask Him to help? Pray for yourself, your spouse, your marriage; or those involved in the troubled marriage you’re concerned about. Pray the verse at the beginning of this selection.

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman