Tag: Help For A Hurting Marriage

‘Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins. Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin. For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night. Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just. For I was born a sinner— yes, from the moment my mother conceived me. But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there. Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me— now let me rejoice. Don’t keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you. Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you. You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Look with favor on Zion and help her; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit— with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings. Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.’ Psalms 51:1-19(NLT)

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

Steven Spielberg’s award-winning moving Lincoln looks at the months in the great president’s life when he was pushing for passage of the Emancipation Proclamation. The success of the film has reminded Americans once again of our sorrowful history of slavery. Much has been said over the years about “apologizing” for enslavement, about making reparations and effecting reconciliation. The same has happened in regard to other unjustly treated groups such as Japanese-Americans who were interned during World War II or Native Americans who suffered so greatly as our nation expanded westward.

And today, when so many conflicts in our families and in our cities are “resolved” at the point of a gun, we must ask: What would happen if we all learned to apologize more effectively? If we learned to forgive and accept forgiveness?

Perhaps we can learn from a five-year-old.

When our granddaughter Davy Grace was five, her mother and father allowed her to spend a special week with Grandma and Grandpa. Karolyn and I were elated. The week was great fun. But one experience is indelibly printed in my memory. Karolyn has a special drawer where keeps stickers for the grandchildren. Davy Grace, of course, knew about this special drawer and asked her grandmother if she could have some stickers. Karolyn told her that she could have three, any three she chose. 

An hour or two later, we began to see stickers all over the house. Davy Grace had taken the entire sheet of stickers and placed them randomly. Karolyn said to her, “I thought I told you to take only three stickers, but you have taken the whole sheet.”

Davy Grace stood in silence as her grandmother continued. “You disobeyed Grandmother.”

Tears cascaded down Davy Grace’s face as she said, “I need somebody to forgive me.”

I shall never forget those words nor the pain that I saw in her young face. My tears joined her tears as I embraced her and said, “Honey, all of us need somebody to forgive us. And Papa will be happy to forgive you, and I’m sure Grandmother will also.” Karolyn joined us in our hug of reconciliation.

I have reflected upon that scene many times. I’m convinced that the need for forgiveness is universal and that acknowledging that need is the essence of an apology.

Years ago while living in Chicago, I often volunteered at the Pacific Garden Mission. I met scores of men and a few women who shared with me their journey to the streets. I recognized a common thread through all of their stories. All of them had a series of experiences in which someone treated them unfairly — at least this was their perception. And no one ever apologized. Many of them admitted that they also had treated others unkindly and failed to apologize. A string of broken relationships was the result. Eventually, there was no one to whom they could turn, so they turned to the streets. I have often wondered how different things might have been had someone taught these men and women to apologize.

On the other end of the social spectrum is corporate America. In recent years, we have seen numerous corporate executives indicted and sometimes convicted of fraud. One wonders what would have happened if these executives had learned to apologize when they were climbing up the corporate ladder. 

Many government employees have also joined the ranks of the convicted. Most of them have pleaded innocent until they were proven guilty. When apologies have been made, they tended to be stated in very nebulous terms and often appeared self-serving. In the case of government and public executives, the reluctance to apologize may grow out of fear that the apology will be used against them. They reason, Better to keep quiet and maintain my position than to apologize and lose everything. Many have never come to understand that there are things in life more important than money and power.

The art of apologizing is not easy, but it can be learned, and it is worth the effort. If apologizing were a way of life, no walls would be built. Relationships would be authentic. Certainly people would fail, but the failures would be dealt with in an open and honest manner. Regret would be expressed; responsibility would be accepted. Restitution would be made. Genuine repentance would be our intention. Perhaps we should be praying, “Father, give me the attitude of Davy Grace: ‘I need somebody to forgive me.’” 

REACT: Think of some of the conflicts and ills in our society. How would admitting wrong help heal some of these ills?

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘“Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. ‘ 1 Kings 19:11-12(NLT)

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘ Jeremiah 29:11(NLT)

 Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

Diane was past the weeping stage when she sat in my office, but she was white-hot with anger. Jennifer, her daughter, had been killed three months earlier by a repeat offender drunken driver. As she came out of shock into the world of painful reality, she was grieving over her tragic loss, and her loss was compounded by her anger. 

As I continued to listen as Diane shared her thoughts and feelings, I felt deep empathy. Wanting to discover the focus of her anger and knowing that Diane was a deeply committed Christian, I asked, “What are your feelings toward God in all of this?”

“I hate to say it, but to be honest, I’m mad at God right now. I feel like He has deserted me. He could have spared Jennifer’s life. She was so young and talented. Why would God allow this? I don’t understand.”

Christians often experience anger toward God in the face of tragedy. It is often true that the stronger one’s Christian commitment, the more intense will be the person’s anger toward God. As Diane said later, “I’ve tried to live for God and be faithful. Why would He let this happen to me?” 

Diane was experiencing what Job must have experienced (see Job 1:8; 2:3; 16:11, 22; 17:1, 11). And when we look at Job and other biblical examples of people who were angry with God, it is clear that God did not condemn such anger. He entered into conversation with these people and helped them work through their anger. However, this does not mean that He always gave a full explanation of why bad things happened to good people. He is willing to hear our expressions of anger and listen as we pour out our pain. Knowing that God is all-powerful and could have averted unjust or tragic events, hurting Christians often ask, “Why did God not do something?”

When I ponder this question, two alternatives come to mind. One, God could eliminate all sinful people and thus wipe out all the pain caused by their sinful acts. This, however, would eliminate the entire human race, because as the Bible says, “Everyone has sinned” (Rom. 3:23). 

The second possibility would be for God to step in and miraculously avert the consequences of all evil. God could stop all bombs from exploding, stall all cars of drunken drivers, eliminate all germs and viruses, evaporate all bullets, strike mute all who begin to speak and hurtful word, and so on. While all this may sound inviting, it removes human freedom and makes a person a robot that must do only good deeds. Apparently God values freedom, and freedom requires the option to disobey as well as to obey. There can be no freedom without the possibility of evil, and evil always has negative consequences.

The problem with our anger toward God is not the anger itself but how we handle it. Your anger with God is distorted anger. God has done you no wrong, but your feeling is still real anger, a response to a situation that brought great pain to you and that you believe God could have averted. But you may take your anger to God. As our compassionate Father, He wants to hear our complaints. At the same time, as our Sovereign Lord, He will either help us understand His perspective on the situation or He will simply ask us to trust Him.

Read the account of Elijah and the prophets of Baal in 1 Kings 18–19. Especially note Elijah’s anger with God afterword, in 19:4, and how God’s voice came to Elijah in verses 10, 12–13. You too can learn to pay attention to where God may be speaking. His “quiet whisper” may come to you through a Christian friend, a sermon, a book, an event, through music, prayer or reading His Word. However it comes, you will know it is His “whisper” if the message you receive is consistent with Scripture.

The believer who honestly shares his or her anger with God eventually will experience His peace (Phil. 4:7). With this peace comes the full assurance that your life is in the hands of a loving God, that what has happened does not mean He has abandoned you. And trust that as long as you are alive, God still has “hope and a future” for you, a purpose whereby you can carry out His good plans.

REACT: Are you now or have you ever been angry with God? Can you be honest with Him about your feelings? Are you willing to continue to seek and trust Him, acknowledging that what has happened does not mean He had abandoned you?

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!’ Proverbs 15:23(NLT)

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman

Katelyn was a free-spirited, laughing, loving and caring person. But in my office, she was not laughing. Tears long held inside were cascading down her normally cheerful face. “Chris won’t talk to me,” she said. “I mean, he really won’t talk to me. It’s tearing me up inside.”

There are many reason why some spouses become uncommunicative. Their unwillingness to share verbally finds its root in what is going on inside of them. Often it is unmet needs in the marital relationship that have sparked resentment in the spirit of the silent spouse. His silence is a way of expressing this resentment. It is her way of saying, “I don’t like you so I will treat you as a nonperson.”

I don’t mean that the silent partner is consciously thinking these thoughts; I mean these are the inner emotional reasons why he or she is not talking. If you can discover the emotions inside your uncommunicative spouse and the factors that give rise to these emotions, you will be well on your way to helping your spouse break his or her silence.

The spouse who seeks to be an agent of positive change in his or her marriage would do well to ask this question: “Does my spouse have an unmet emotional need that may be causing him to resent me?” 

A positive answer to this question may uncover your spouse’s unmet needs and thus the source of his or her silence. Your challenge will be to find a way to help your spouse meet that emotional need and at the same time maintain your own integrity and get your own emotional needs met.

Another way to become an agent for change is to ask yourself: Does my communication pattern make it difficult for my spouse to talk? Negative communication patterns can silence a spouse. The solution is to change those patterns. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine whether your conversation with your spouse are negative. Answer each one honestly with a yes or a no.

Do I often come across as complaining?

When my spouse talks, do I cut him off and give my responses?

Do I force the issue of communication with my spouse, even in those times when she needs to be alone?

Do I broadcast our private conversations to others?

Do I openly share my own needs and desires as demands rather than requests?

When my spouse shares an opinion that differs from mine, am I quick to “set him straight”?

If you can answer yes to any of these questions, it may be time for you to change a negative communication pattern. Changing these patterns may be difficult, but it is the way toward loosening the tongue of your uncommunicative spouse. 

One of the best ways to do this is to develop the art of listening. If you exhibit the sincere desire to understand your spouse through listening, you will enhance the climate of open communication. There are many ways you can communicate “I care about what you say” just by listening. Give your spouse your undivided attention when he or she is talking; maintain eye contact when possible; turn off the TV; lay down the book (or Facebook) and give your mate your focused attention. All these actions communicate “Your words matter to me.” 

To receive your spouse’s ideas as information rather than as an opinion that you must correct creates an atmosphere of acceptance. This doesn’t mean that you agree with all of those ideas; it simply means that you give your spouse the freedom to hold those ideas. 

Learning to control your anger and to hear your spouse out also enhances communication. Loud, angry outbursts almost always stop the flow of communication. Practice “reflective listening,” reflecting back your spouse’s words in your own words. “Are you saying . . .” and “What I hear you saying is . . .” are phrases that help your spouse clarify what he or she is saying. At times, indicate your understanding of the message: “I think I understand . . . I see what you’re saying . . . That makes a lot of sense.” Such statements tend to keep your spouse talking. All of us are more likely to communicate our inner thoughts and feelings if we believe that someone genuinely wants to hear what we want to say and will not condemn us.

REACT: Whether a relationship is healthy or strained, it’s a good idea to examine our own patterns of communication and note areas that need change. Did you answer yes to any of the six questions above? How can you change a communication pattern? Above all, be sure to communicate with the Lord, the one who knows you and your spouse best, the one who invites you to speak to Him in prayer: “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests” (Ephesians 6:18).  

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:9-10(NLT)

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

It was one of those feel-good stories you see in the newspaper and on TV before Christmas. In the Youngstown, Ohio, area, a thief made off with cash from one of those familiar Salvation Army red kettles. In fact, the perpetrator, apparently dressed in a Salvation Army jacket, walked away with the money and the kettle while the bell ringer was taking a break.

But what could have been a sad “stealing from the poor” story turned into something more heartwarming two days later, when someone anonymously left $130 and a note of apology at the Salvation Army’s office. “Here is the money I took plus money for a new kettle and bell . . . Please forgive me.” The unidentified wrongdoer not only apologized, he or she made restitution, making a tangible effort to right the wrong they committed. 

The idea of “making things right” to make up for a wrong is embedded within the human psyche, from our judicial system to the arena of family relationships. If Sophia’s little brother Jacob steals her favorite toy, Mom or Dad makes him give it back. If a criminal steals from someone, a judge orders him to repay his victim in some way. Rather than simply spending time in prison, the criminal needs to make efforts to make up for the wrong to the one who was wronged. 

For some people, the statement, “It is not right for me to have treated you that way,” must be followed up with “What can I do to show you that I still care about you?” Without this effort at restitution, the person wronged will question the sincerity of the apology. 

While in some cases, making restitution is appropriate, in other situations, many people can identify with the wife who lamented, “We have the same old arguments about the same old things. What upsets me most is not the offending action—it’s the repetition of the offending action. He apologizes. He promises not to do it again. Then he does it again—the ‘it’ being as small as leaving the bathroom light on or as annoying as needless crabbiness.”

This wife doesn’t want “sorry.” She wants her husband to repent.

The word repentance means “to turn around” or “to change one’s mind.” It is illustrated by someone who is walking west and, for whatever reason, suddenly turns 180 degrees and walks toward the east. The individual realizes that his or her present behavior is destructive. The person regrets the pain he or she is causing the other person, and chooses to change his behavior. 

Repentance is more than saying, “I’m sorry; I was wrong. How can I make this up to you?” It is saying, “I’ll try not to do this again.” 

All true repentance begins in the heart. We recognize that what we have done is wrong, that our actions have hurt the one we love. We don’t want to continue this behavior, so we decide that with God’s help, we will change. Then we verbalize this decision to the person we have offended. Jim said, “I expect the person to tell me they were wrong and tell me that they’re going to make changes so that it won’t happen again. I want them to be realistic and tell me that they know they have to work on it so I should be patient with them.”

The problem with not verbalizing your intention is that the offended person cannot read your mind. He or she doesn’t know that in your heart you have decided to make changes. It might take weeks or months for them to observe the difference in you, but even then they might not know what motivated the transformation. 

It is perfectly fine to tell them that you hope they will be patient with you because you know you will not be 100 percent successful immediately, but that it is your intention to change this destructive behavior. Now they know your intention and sense that your apology is sincere so they can now forgive you even before the changes are actually made. 

REACT: Repentance has been described above as turning around or changing your mind. In what other ways have you heard repentance defined? Think of a time when you wanted your spouse or another person close to you to not just apologize, but change their behavior — what happened? How might restitution work out both in society at large and within our personal relationships? When is a time when you chose to not just say “I’m sorry” but to make restitution or to change your behavior? 

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. ‘ James 1:20(NLT)

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

You might be asking, “Why has anger caused so much trouble in the world?”

The answer is as ancient as the garden of Eden. The drama revealed in Genesis 3 featuring Adam and Eve, the serpent, and a fruit tree significantly altered human nature. We now have the tendency to take every good gift of God and distort it into something perverse. The gifts of reason, sexuality, love and so much more have all been perverted.

Anger is no different. The deceiver is still among us, and the scene of Eden is repeated daily. Perverting the divine purpose of anger has been one of Satan’s most successful tactical designs.

The Enemy has used many strategies to twist God’s intention for human anger. One of the most powerful is to make us think that all our anger is of equal value. “If I perceive that I have been wronged, then I have been wronged.” This illusion leads us to conclude that we always have a right to feel angry.

But the fact is that much of our anger is distorted. Two kinds of anger exist: definitive and distorted. Definitive anger is born of wrongdoing. Someone treats us unfairly, steals our property, lies about our character or in some other way does us wrong. This is the only kind of anger God ever experiences. It is valid anger. 

The second kind of anger, however, is not valid. It is triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort, a bad mood or any number of other things that have nothing to do with any moral transgression. The situation simply has made life inconvenient for us, touched one of our hot spots or happened at a time when we were extremely tired or stressed. I call this distorted anger, not because the emotions are any less intense than those experienced with definitive anger, but because they are the responses to something less than genuine wrongdoing. 

Here are some ways to handle distorted anger:

(1) Tell the other person about your concern and ask to talk about it. I call this “sharing information.” We are not sharing a verdict: “You let me down.” “You disappointed me.” In contrast, “I’m feeling (disappointed, hurt or other emotion) and I need your help” is a statement of information. 

(2) Recognize that you might not have all the facts. Therefore, it is difficult to determine whether our anger is definitive or distorted. Gather information. 

(3) Sometimes when our anger is distorted we cannot simply release it and accept when the other person has done. Often we need to negotiate understanding. For even when the other has done nothing morally wrong, his or her behavior is still painful. You still feel disappointed, frustrated, hurt and angry. You need to understand the person’s actions — and he or she needs to understand your feelings. Express your struggles, then listen to the other person’s response. Be honest. 

(4) In all human relationships, people will find certain behavioral characteristics irritating. For the most part, this anger is distorted in that the other person’s behavior is not morally wrong; he or she has not perpetrated an evil against us. If the relationship is a close one and the person is one with whom we spend a great deal of time, such as in family or vocation, it is sometimes helpful to seek to mitigate these irritations by requesting change. Please notice I say requesting, not demanding or manipulating. None of us responds well to these approaches. 

REACT: How would you explain the difference between valid (definitive) and distorted anger? 

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 4:15(NLT)

‘If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless. When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.’ 1 Corinthians 13:1-13(NLT)

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman

The fact that love is an attitude rather than an emotion means that you can love your spouse even when you do not have warm emotional feelings for him or her. That is why in the the first century, Paul the apostle wrote to husbands, “Love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her [by willingly dying on the cross]” (Eph. 5:25). In another of his letters, Paul challenged the older women to “urge the younger women to love their husbands” (Titus 2:4). Love can be learned, because it is not an emotion.

After years of counseling, I am convinced that there are only five basic “languages” of love. They are: 

1. Words of Affirmation — Verbally affirming your spouse for the good things he or she does.

2. Quality Time — Giving your spouse undivided attention.

3. Receiving Gifts — Presenting a gift to your spouse that says, “I was thinking about you.”

4. Acts of service — Doing something for your spouse that is meaningful to him or her.

5. Physical touch — Kissing, embracing, patting on the back, holding hands, sexual intercourse.

Part of the problem spouses have in demonstrating love to each other is that they fail to understand that they speak different “love languages.” Seldom do a husband and wife have the same love language. By nature, you tend to speak your own language. For example, if quality time makes you feel loved, then that’s what you try to give your spouse. But if that is not his or her primary language, it will not mean to your spouse what it would mean to you. 

So you need to know, and then speak, your spouse’s primary love language. This simple message, which I have shared in marriage seminars and the book The 5 Love Languages, has helped millions of couples. Discovering your spouse’s primary love language and choosing to speak it on a regular basis has tremendous potential for changing the emotional climate of your marriage. 

Love is the most powerful weapon for good not only in the world but especially in a desperate marriage. When you choose to reach out with a loving attitude and loving actions toward your spouse in spite of past failures, you create a climate where the two of you can resolve conflicts and confess wrongs. A marriage can be reborn. Reality living says, “I will choose the road of love because its potential is far greater than the road of hate.”

I am sympathetic to those who feel that there is no hope for their marriage. But let’s not assume that past failures must be repeated in the future. With a new set of guidelines and a willingness to take action, there is hope for a hard marriage. And if your spouse is not going to join you on working on the marriage at this time, that does not mean that your marriage is hopeless. One person must always take the initiative. Perhaps that person will be you.

REACT: Go to 5lovelanguages.com and find out what your love language is. Are you surprised? Encourage your spouse to take this brief quiz, too. Share your love languages with each other. What is one thing you can do each day in the next week to “speak” your spouse’s love language to him or her? Don’t worry if the effort is not reciprocated — remember that one person must take the initiative. And don’t forget to pray for your marriage daily.

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 4:15(NLT)

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

Karen and Jim have been married for twenty-seven years. When I asked her, “What do you look for in an apology when Jim has wronged you?” her immediate response was, “Most of all I want him to understand how he hurt me and why. I want him to see things from my perspective. I expect to hear him say, ‘I apologize. I am really sorry.’” 

Karen went on to to relay an incident for which Jim apologized. Karen said, “Jim told me how sorry he was. He regretted what he had done and wished he had never done it. I knew he was sincere when I saw tears come to his eyes.” For Karen, the heart of an apology is a sincere expression of regret. 

Robert and Katie have been married for seven years. When I asked him, ‘How do you know that Katie is sincere when she apologizes?” his answer was, “Eye contact. If she looks me in the eye and says ‘I’m sorry,’ I know she’s sincere. If she says, ‘I’m sorry’ while passing through the room, I know she’s hiding something. A hug and a kiss lets me know she’s sincere.”

For some, the heart of a sincere apology is a sincere expression of regret. For others, body language can speak louder than our spoken language. 

An apology has more impact when it’s specific. LuAnn captured this idea when she said, “I expect the apologizer to say ‘I’m sorry for ____.’” When we’re specific, we communicate to the offended person that we truly understand how much we have hurt him or her. Specificity places the focus on our action and how it affected the other person. 

Why is it so difficult for some of us to say, “I was wrong”? Often our reluctance to admit wrongdoing is tied to our sense of self-worth. To admit that we are wrong is perceived as weakness. We may reason, “Only losers confess. Intelligent people try to show that their actions were justified.” 

The seeds of this self-justifying tendency are often planted in childhood. When a child is excessively punished, condemned or shamed for minor offenses, the sense of self-worth is diminished. Subconsciously, the child makes the emotional link between wrong behavior and low self-worth. Thus, to admit wrong is to be “bad.” The child who grows up with this emotional pattern will have difficulty admitting wrongdoing as an adult because to do so strikes at his or her self-esteem. 

The good news is that as adults we can understand these negative emotional patterns and yet not be imprisoned by them. The reality is that all of us are sinners; there are no perfect adults. Mature adults learn how to break the harmful patterns of childhood and accept responsibility for their own failures. The immature adult is forever rationalizing his own bad behavior. Mature adults learn to accept responsibility for their behavior, whereas immature adults continue with childish fantasies and tend to blame others for their mistakes. 

Alyssa is twenty-seven. While growing up, here dad told her that a wise person is willing to accept responsibility for his or her mistakes. “I’ll never forget what he said: ‘All of us make mistakes, but the only mistake that will destroy you is the one you are unwilling to admit.’

“I remember when I was young and would do something against the rules, he would look at me and ask, ‘Do you have something you’d like to say?’ He would smile and I would say, ‘I made a mistake. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?’ He would give me a hug and say, ‘You are forgiven.’

“Admitting my mistakes is a part of who I am, and I owe it to my father.”

Michael, twenty-four, never heard his father apologize to his mother or to him. At eighteen he left home and has never returned to visit. “In the community, my father was recognized as a successful man,” he explained, “but in my mind he was a hypocrite. I guess that’s why I have always been quick to apologize, willing to admit my failures. I want my relationships to be real, and I know that can’t happen if I’m not willing to admit I was wrong.”

REACT: Have you ever hurt someone without realizing it? What did you do when you became aware that you had hurt someone? 

Name a few of the most outrageous excuses you have heard people claim for refusing to admit wrong. Why do you think some people have such a difficult time admitting a wrongful act?

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Short-tempered people do foolish things, and schemers are hated.’ Proverbs 14:17(NLT)

‘Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.’ Proverbs 29:11(NLT)

Devotion from Anger, Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman

We know that the human capacity for anger is rooted in the nature of God. God shows anger at injustice, and also at sin, because it is harmful to us, His beloved. Our valid anger can also be stirred by injustice and sin. But often in daily life, we need to process anger toward someone with whom we have a relationship, whether a family member, roommate, friend, work associate, neighbor — anyone with whom we have an ongoing relationship. 

I suggest a five-step process for dealing with valid anger. 

(1) Consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. I suggest that you say the words out loud. “I am angry about this! Now what am I going to do?” Such a statement places the issues squarely on the table. You are now not only aware of your own anger, but you have distinguished for yourself the difference between your anger and the action you are going to take.

(2) Restrain your immediate response. Refuse to take the action that you typically take when feeling angry. Remember the commonsense advice of counting to ten? It is good advice, but many of us need to count to 100 or even 1000. I suggest that you count out loud. If you are in the presence of the person at whom you are angry, I suggest you leave. Take a walk as you count. About halfway around the block when you come to 597, you will probably be in a mental and emotional state where you can say, “Lord, You know that I am angry. I believe what they have done is wrong. Please help me make a wise decision about how to respond in this situation.” Then with God you begin to look at your options. 

(3) Locate the focus of your anger. Ask yourself, Why am I so angry? Is it what my spouse (or another person) has said or done? Is my anger toward the person influenced by something that happened at work today or in my childhood years ago? The secondary issue is, how serious is the offense? Someone not showing up on time is certainly not on the same level as someone being abusive. Some wrongs are minor and some are major.

(4) Analyze your options. It is now time to ask, What are the possible actions I can take? As I see it, there are only two options for a Christian. One is to lovingly confront the person. If you choose to this option, do it gently. Listen to any explanation; it can give you a different perspective on the person’s actions and intentions.

The other is to consciously decide to overlook the matter. There are times when the best Christian option is to admit that yes, you have been wronged but to conclude that confronting the person who did the wrong holds little or no redemptive value. This is releasing the anger to God. It is giving up the right to take revenge, which, according to Scripture, is always God’s prerogative (see Rom. 12:19), and it is refusing to let what happened eat away at your own sense of well-being. 

(5) Take constructive action. If you choose to let the offense go, then you should share this decision with God. “Lord, You know what has happened. You know how hurt I am, how angry I feel. But I really believe that the best thing to do in this situation is to accept the wrong and turn the person over to You. I know you are a righteous God, so I trust You do to what is right by the person. I also release my anger to You. Help me not to be controlled by any residual thoughts and feelings that come to me over the next few days. Thank you that I am Your child and You will take care of me.”

REACT: Can you think of a recent situation when you applied any of these steps? How about when you didn’t but should have? How might the situation have turned out differently? Ask God to help you be alert and prepared for the next time you have valid reason to be angry.

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Timely advice is lovely, like golden apples in a silver basket.’ Proverbs 25:11(NLT)

‘Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.’ Colossians 4:6(NLT)

Devotion from Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away by Gary Chapman

“You’re an idiot. I don’t know how anyone with your education can be as stupid as you are. You must have cheated to get your degree. If I were as stupid as you, I don’t think I would get out of bed in the morning.”

The words seemed to beat on Laura relentlessly. This wasn’t the first time Laura had heard such insults from her husband, Ron. The tragedy was that she had come to believe them. She was suffering from severe depression that literally kept her in bed most days. She was the victim of verbal abuse.

We have long known the devastation of physical abuse in a marriage relationship. We are now coming to understand that verbal abuse can be fully as devastating. Verbal abuse destroys respect, trust, admiration and intimacy — all key ingredients of a healthy marriage. 

Most of us lose our temper and say harsh, cutting words that we later regret. But if we are spiritually and emotionally mature, we acknowledge that this is inappropriate behavior. We express sorrow and ask forgiveness of our spouse, and the relationship finds healing.

The verbal abuser, on the other hand, seldom asks for forgiveness or acknowledges that the verbal tirades are inappropriate. Typically, the abuser will blame the spouse for stimulating the abuse. Verbal abuse is warfare that employs the use of words as bombs and grenades designed to punish the other person, to place blame or to justify one’s own actions or decisions. Abusive language is filled with poisonous put-downs, which seek to make the other person feel bad, appear wrong or look inadequate. 

Is there hope for the thousands of spouses who suffer the barrage of verbal attacks as a way of life? I believe there is, but that hope will not come in the form of a magic wand. It will be more like an exercise machine, requiring hard work and consistency.

In order to be a positive change agent, the spouse who is verbally abused must first recover a sense of their own self-worth. A wife whose husband has ridiculed her, threatened her, told her she is stupid, worthless, incompetent and a failure may start to believe these messages, and they will become self-fulfilling. She first should share her husband’s abuse with a friend or a counselor and learn to reject these negative messages, and rediscover her own self-worth. If she does not deal with her own damaged self-esteem, she will not have the emotional energy to take constructive action with her husband. 

Most people who practice verbal abuse as a way of life are themselves suffering from low self-esteem. Emotionally, the verbal abuser is not the strong, confident, self-assured individual he may appear to be. Inside he actually feels like a child, trying desperately to become an adult, fighting desperately but inappropriately to prove his worth. 

On a quiet evening when Jeff had not yet unleashed a verbal attack, Marilyn said to him, “I’ve been thinking about us a lot the last few days. I’ve been remembering how kind you were to me when we dated. I’m remembering the tender touch, the kind words, the smiling face, the fun we had in those days. I guess that’s why I believe in you so strongly. I know the good qualities you have inside. Sometimes I lose that vision when I am hurt by your attacks, but I know the kind of man you are, and I believe in that man. And I believe in my heart that the man I married is the man you really want to be. And I know that with God’s help and your desire, you can reach that goal.”

With those words, Marilyn is expressing belief in Jeff. She is giving him what all of us desperately want — someone to believe in us, someone to believe that we have good characteristics and that those good characteristics can flourish in our lives. Since the abuser is already suffering from low self-esteem, such comments build a positive sense of self-worth. If Jeff can come to believe in himself and believe that God’s power is available to him, he may well return to being the man that Marilyn remembers.

REACT: What are steps to take if you are being verbally abused? What might be behind an abuser’s verbal attacks? To whom can you speak words of hope and healing today? 

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman

‘Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. ‘ Colossians 3:12-14(NLT)

Devotion from When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 

Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactions that are enabled by apologies. Some, particularly with the Christian worldview, have taught forgiveness without an apology. They often quote the words of Jesus: “If you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:15). Thus, they say to the wife whose husband has been unfaithful and continues in his adulterous affair, “You must forgive him, or God will not forgive you.” 

Such an interpretation of Jesus’ teaching fails to reckon with the rest of the scriptural teachings on forgiveness. The Christian is instructed to forgive others in the same manner that God forgives us. How does God forgive us? The Scriptures say that if we confess our sins, God will forgive our sins (1 John 1:9). Nothing in the Old or New Testaments indicates that God forgives the sins of people who do not confess and repent of their sins. 

When a pastor encourages a wife to forgive her erring husband while he still continues in his wrongdoing, the minister is requiring of the wife something that God Himself does not do. Jesus’ teaching is that we are to be always willing to forgive, as God is always willing to forgive, those who repent. Some will object to this idea, indicating that Jesus forgave those who were killing Him. But that is not what the Scriptures say. Rather, Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Jesus expressed His heart of compassion and His desire to see His murderers forgiven. That should be our desire and our prayer. But their forgiveness came later when they acknowledged that they had indeed killed the Son of God (Acts 2:22–24, 40–41). 

Forgiveness without an apology is often encouraged for the benefit of the forgiver rather than the benefit of the offender. Such forgiveness does not lead to reconciliation. When there is no apology, the Christian is encouraged to release the person to God for justice and to release one’s anger to God through forbearance (Rom. 12:19). 

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the great theologian who was martyred by the Nazis in a concentration camp in 1945, argued against the “preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance.” He referred to such forgiveness in The Cost of Discipleship as “cheap grace . . . which amounts to the justification of sin without the justification of the repentant sinner.”

Genuine forgiveness removes the barrier that was created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust over time. If the relationship was warm and intimate before the offense, it can become loving again. If the relationship was simply one of casual acquaintance, it may grow to a deeper level through the dynamic process of forgiveness. If the offense was created by an unknown person such as a rapist or a murderer, there was no relationship to be restored. If they have apologized and you have forgiven, each of you is free to go on living your lives, although in a criminal matter, the offender will still face the judicial system created by the culture to deal with the behavior. 

When we apologize, we accept responsibility for our behavior, seeking to make amends with the person who was offended. Genuine apology opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation. Then we can continue to build the relationship. Without apology, the offense sits as a barrier, and the quality of the relationship is diminished. Good relationships are always marked by a willingness to apologize, forgive and reconcile. 

REACT: How and when does God forgive? How can willingness to forgive without an apology benefit the forgiver rather than the offender? Can you think of an example from your own life? Why must “a willingness to apologize, forgive and reconcile” be a mark of a good relationship? 

from Help For A Hurting Marriage by Dr. Gary Chapman