Tag: Healthy Conflict in Marriage

‘So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ‘ Galatians 6:9(NLT)

God can teach you a lot through a motorcycle crash. One of the most important lessons for me was how to heal fully, not just halfway.

I’ll never forget my accident. Enjoying a beautiful ride with friends through the Colorado Rockies, we rounded a curve, and my front tire drifted onto the shoulder. Before I even realized I was in trouble, I was tumbling off the bike and into rough gravel. My reward was a dislocated ankle, complete with broken bones and several torn ligaments.

At the hospital, I was told it would be almost twelve weeks before I’d be able to put any pressure on my foot. Then the doctor gave me an important warning. He said, “You’re going to feel good enough to walk on it after about six weeks, but don’t do it.” His concern was that the pain of the injury would likely be gone, but the ankle itself would not yet be fully healed. Walking on it too soon would only reinjure the ankle and cause further damage. That’s why his final instruction to me was, “Don’t quit halfway through your recovery.”

It’s a valuable life-lesson as well. When a marriage is in need of healing, many people work through conflict until the pain subsides. But this doesn’t mean the deeper issues causing the trouble have been corrected. That’s why it’s important not to quit halfway through your recovery. With the Lord’s help, you need to work at resolving the underlying problems, not just the pain they cause.

from Healthy Conflict in Marriage

‘Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. ‘ Romans 12:15(NLT)

If you’re married, you know a lot about your spouse. The question is: do you really understand them?

I’ve been fortunate to meet a lot of interesting people. One person I wish I could have known is the late Ronald Reagan. Oddly enough, because I’ve learned so much about him, there have been times when I felt as if I did know him. But what I’ve realized is that, although I know a lot of facts about President Reagan, I’ll never truly know him on a deep level as a person.

If I’m not careful, the same principle could apply to my relationship with my wife, Jean. A fact I know about her, for example, is that her brother passed away years ago. But do I understand at a deep level the impact his death has had in her life? Do I understand how it affects her even today? If a moment reminds her of him and tears come, am I compassionate with her even though it’s been such a long time?

You see, many couples experience conflict because they treat the events of their spouse’s life as facts about them. But they don’t truly understand how those moments have shaped their life and impact their behavior even today. Our spouse needs us to do more than just acknowledge their pain from a distance. They need us to be like the Lord, compassionate and present with them in the midst of the emotional challenges that linger from their past.

from Healthy Conflict in Marriage

‘Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.’ Matthew 7:5(NLT)

Every marriage experiences conflict, but for problems to get resolved, someone has to be willing to jump first.

Like most kids, I was pretty adventurous growing up. One day, a buddy and I were out exploring, and we stumbled upon a small ravine. Without a word, we quickly calculated the distance across and how far the drop was to the bottom. It offered the perfect measure of danger. We could make it across, but it would be a challenge. There was just one problem: which one of us was going to jump first.

Let’s face it, that’s human nature. Whether it’s two kids jumping a ravine or two adults resolving conflict, we all want the other person to take the first step. In a marriage, this is often because we focus on our spouse’s behavior rather than our own. For example, one husband admitted he emotionally withdrew from his wife because of her lavish spending habits. The wife, on the other hand, said spending money helped her feel comforted when her husband withdrew. See the problem? Each person blamed their spouse, rather than taking responsibility for their own behavior. It’s a vicious cycle that cripples marriages.

And there’s only one solution: somebody has to jump first! If your marriage needs help, don’t work on changing your spouse. Instead, by God’s grace, consider what you can do to move your relationship in a positive direction. You’ll be surprised at the difference you can make when you take the first step.

from Healthy Conflict in Marriage

‘Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. ‘ Romans 12:3(NLT)

The folklore surrounding vampires has been a part of popular culture for over a century. But would it surprise you to know a key element of that legendary story shows up in many marriages?

One of the most well-known characters in classic literature is Dracula, the ghoulish vampire created by Bram Stoker in 1897. Since then, thanks to imagery portrayed in everything from movies to cartoons, vampires have become synonymous with black capes and sharp teeth. But there’s another characteristic often featured in these dark tales: a vampire’s reflection is never seen in the mirror.

On the surface, it might not seem like this obscure quality would have any practical application to our relationships. But let me ask you: on an emotional level, do you see your reflection in the mirror? For many couples, conflict is difficult to resolve because one spouse refuses to see him- or herself as part of the problem. They don’t recognize when they have a bad attitude or when they speak harshly toward others. Even when someone points out these traits, the spouse denies that it’s true.

What about you? Is it hard for you to consider the part you play in problems facing your relationship? If so, you may have trouble seeing a true reflection of yourself. Let me encourage you to work through this issue with a counselor, pastor, or a trusted friend. Marriage problems are created by both partners, but, with God’s help, so are the solutions.

from Healthy Conflict in Marriage

‘Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.’ Proverbs 12:18(NLT)

Do you and your spouse argue? Most couples do. After all, disagreement in a marriage is natural from time to time. But studies show that how you argue will either strengthen your marriage or weaken it.

One problem in marital conflict is the tendency for couples to argue as if they’re a parent talking to a child. Saying things to your spouse like, “You should do this!” or “You had better do that!” will not resolve a problem. It only creates defensiveness. Why? Because they’re authoritative messages. It’s the way a parent would speak to a child, or how someone in authority would handle a subordinate.

What’s more effective is to talk adult-to-adult. This communicates in both tone and the words you use that your spouse is an adult, an equal. To do this, use “I feel” messages. Things like “I feel upset when you come home late” express your displeasure, but won’t as easily cause your spouse to feel belittled or attacked.

Another important tip is to keep your emotions from escalating. If each spouse interrupts the other and talks more loudly to get their point across, emotions will soon spill over, and hurtful words will be spoken. Stay calm, ask questions, and listen. When your spouse feels as though they’ve been heard, they’ll calm down, and the stage will be set for a healthy discussion.

Into every marriage a little disagreement will fall. But, handled correctly, God can use conflict to make your marriage even stronger.

from Healthy Conflict in Marriage

‘Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.’ Ephesians 4:32(NLT)

Do you remember your parents telling you to “play fair”? That’s certainly a good moral to live by in sports or board games. But playing fair is also one of the quickest ways to ruin a marriage.

Good for good; bad for bad. That’s the driving force behind playing fair. It’s a philosophy that says, “If you treat me right, I’ll treat you right. But if you cross me, I’ll hurt you right back.” In a conflict, it means a couple gives each other what they deserve, and that’s exactly the problem.

Playing fair works as long as we give good things to our spouse in return for their positive behavior. But what happens when respect breaks down and one spouse snaps in anger at the other? Often times, the spouse who gets yelled at responds by screaming right back. And just like that, the relationship takes a hit because one spouse has given the other what they deserved. Unfortunately, many marriages operate on this premise, and it’s a significant reason why they fail.

Relationships thrive when we put aside what someone deserves and respond by giving them what they need. When our spouse fails us, they need us to rise above the offense and help them be better, not simply get even with them. It’s an expression of God’s grace and an opportunity to meet your spouse’s mistakes with a response that heals. And it’ll enable your relationship to grow more safe and loving, rather than causing it to deteriorate further.

from Healthy Conflict in Marriage

‘So then, let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up.’ Romans 14:19(NLT)

Here’s a riddle: Everybody wants it. But if you use it in your marriage, you could lose everything. What is it?

The answer is control. Whether it’s the right sweetener for our coffee or keeping our home at a certain temperature, we all want our life to function in a way that suits us. And what do we do when something doesn’t work the way we like? We try to control it, of course.

Unfortunately, many people employ a similar strategy in their marriage.
Controlling behavior can often occur because one spouse doesn’t feel loved and validated by the other. So they try to control their spouse’s actions to insure they get the relationship they want. But taking charge over a spouse doesn’t foster connection and love. Instead, it destroys it because control erodes partnership and oneness, the very foundation God designed into the marital relationship.

Here is the hard truth: If you control your spouse, you’re in danger of losing your marriage. In many cases, a spouse who feels controlled will try to escape. That may be through an affair, a divorce, or, at the very least, the spouse may spend all of their time with friends or in another part of the house.

The solution is to give up the role of “boss” and to begin cultivating a relationship of warmth and openness. It may take the help of a counselor, but when a couple learns healthy ways to connect and become complimentary in the way God intended, a strong marriage is just over the horizon.

from Healthy Conflict in Marriage