Tag: Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken

‘And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ‘ Romans 8:28(NLT)

‘“But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.’ Isaiah 43:18(NLT)

When your marriage is falling apart due to infidelity or any other betrayal, there will be nothing quick about the healing. It will take months and possibly years to reach an emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental place that feels anything close to normal. Understandably, the person feels the pain of the initial betrayal so deeply that the idea of taking the difficult steps toward wholeness seems like signing on for more pain. 

And that’s not even the hard part.

The hard part is retraining your mind to do things differently this time around. Establishing new habits in your marriage as you relate to your spouse and others is an absolute must. Battling thoughts left and right as your spiritual enemy attempts to place obstacles in your way is par for the course. 

Keeping a marriage healthy, even one that has not had a significant trauma requires training, maintenance, and goal setting. Doing what it takes when you actually feel like doing the opposite – that is what is required when you deeply care about something or someone.

Restoring a marriage requires two people who are willing to do whatever it takes.

This kind of restoration in a broken marriage doesn’t come cheap. In fact, it’s quite costly. It requires sacrificing every day, crying many tears, biting one’s tongue, choosing to place another’s needs ahead of your own, and enduring a lot of pain. 

But it is possible. Chris and I are living proof. We’ve traversed a major minefield since that fateful, February day in 2002, and although we’ve had some setbacks and disappointing circumstances, we have come out on the other side and now are experiencing a vibrant marriage. We are truly better than new. 

We continue to walk. One foot in front of the other. Holding each other’s hands and hearts as we go. Pressing into God and allowing Him to comfort us when we need comforting. Asking Him to change us in areas where we need changing. And begging Him to free us from things that hold us in bondage.

Take the next step and join us. It’s never too late for redemption.

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall

‘But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.’ Isaiah 40:31(NLT)

‘“You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’ But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.’ Matthew 5:31-32(NLT)

‘Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”’ Matthew 19:26(NLT)

I would love to be able to give an absolute answer when people ask me if they should stay in their broken marriages. A simple yes or no would make your decision so much easier, but it just doesn’t work that way. You are the one who has to live with your choice. 

I remember this season in my own life. The question began to plague me almost immediately after Chris’ confession. Within a very short time, I pictured myself as a single mom who would be headed back to work while trying to figure out how to share the parenting with my unfaithful husband. 

In the midst of my panic, I felt like I had to decide my marriage’s fate. A dear friend, Kevin Penry, said, “You don’t have to make that decision today.” With his simple, yet wise counsel, the burden of my future had been lifted off my back, at least temporarily.  The truth was, I didn’t have to know that day or the next week or even the next month. There was no wisdom in deciding the rest of my life within days of the biggest, most devastating piece of news I’ve ever received. 

Matthew 5 tells us that marital unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce. Clearly, this is a serious issue. But just because we can, doesn’t mean we should. I believe in doing everything we possibly can to restore a broken or dead marriage. Many will say that is an impossible feat. And for some situations, it just might be. 

Maybe you feel like you have to decide the future of your marriage today. You feel like if you don’t do something “right now” that you are just wasting more time in a marriage that has no hope. Maybe you don’t want to be fooled again. I get it. I felt this way, too.

If you ever find yourself in shoes that are either pointed for the door to walk away or pointed toward your spouse to stay, pray for God to tell you what to do. He will. I don’t know what the answer will be, but God most certainly does. 

Do you feel yourself panicking over the choice to leave or stay in your marriage? Spend some time today in God’s Word asking Him to guide and direct you with His Word. Keep asking Him daily until He shows you a Word to stand on.

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall

‘But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:9(NLT)

‘For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. ‘ Romans 3:23(NLT)

“I’ll never forgive you.”

You’ve probably heard someone say these words before. And you realize that’s a death sentence, right? You may have said those words with the intent to inflict pain on the recipient, but saying those words will cause you to endure a slow, bitter, decimation of the soul that will eventually eat away at your from the inside out. It’s not a pleasant phrase to hear when you are guilty of causing pain to another. It’s certainly not good to be the one saying it.

We all make mistakes. We all have done things we regret. My pastor, Craig Groeschel, says, “We judge others by their actions, but we judge ourselves by our intentions.” He’s right. Basically, when I hurt others, I give myself the benefit of the doubt because I know I didn’t mean to hurt the person. But, when others hurt me, I assume they are out to destroy me and want to make my life miserable. Chances are, they just made a mistake – just like I do on a daily basis.

One of the harder parts of forgiveness is that we don’t always feel like forgiving. The problem is that feelings are often misleading and erratic. So to rely on the unreliable for something as transforming as forgiveness is to miss out on a chance to heal and move forward. You know you’ve forgiven your offender when you cease to feel resentment against them.

Forgiving my husband was a choice I had to make. He was repentant and full of sorrow. He apologized to me countless times. But, I still had to make the choice. So I did. It wasn’t easy, and I didn’t really feel like it. 

We all need forgiveness. And we all need to extend that same forgiveness to others – not just today, but every day.

It’s time to forgive.

Do you struggle with forgiving people when they wound you? If so, why? Spend some time with your spouse today and ask him/her if you have wounded them and then sincerely apologize for hurting them. 

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall

‘Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.’ 1 Peter 5:7(NLT)

‘When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.’ Isaiah 43:2(NLT)

‘“But you are my witnesses, O Israel!” says the Lord . “You are my servant. You have been chosen to know me, believe in me, and understand that I alone am God. There is no other God— there never has been, and there never will be.’ Isaiah 43:10(NLT)

Grief. 

A poignant distress. Deep mental anguish. Acute sorrow. Overwhelming sadness. Grief is our natural response to the loss of some person or some thing important to us. We grieve over the loss of loved ones, careers, divorces, moving away from friends and family. Grief is inevitable. At some point in our lives we will experience it whether we like it or not.

I cried a lot during the weeks and months after my husband’s confession. I didn’t know I had that many tears in me. And I learned something amazing through those tears. As I grieved, I healed from the inside out. 

But just because I began to heal, it didn’t mean I didn’t get slammed up against a wall every time grief made it’s way back to me. Grief comes and goes. I learned that I had to give myself permission to cry, to feel the sadness, to carry the weight of the burden. This was my new life, my new normal. I had to push through the pain, or it would be with me until I did. 

Many people don’t deal with their grief adequately. Some ignore it; others sink because of it. Maybe this is where you are now. You are constantly reminded of the betrayal in your marriage and you feel like you’re in an ocean of grief. If that is your situation, I’d like to offer you a bit of God’s truth that will do your weary soul some good. 

When I found myself camping out in the “how will I live again” train of thought, I clung to the hope that Jesus would do what He said He would do…make things new. When the moments crashed in on my and I wondered how trust would ever be restored again, I remembered the words of Jesus…with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. 

Friend, this circumstance you’re in is difficult. It just is. But, you have to endure the pain to get on the other side of it. We can’t just skip out on a season of trial. We have to graduate from it.

Spend some time thinking about how you handle your own grief. Do you deal with it in a healthy way or push it aside? What can you do today to help yourself begin to handle it better?

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall

‘“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. ‘ John 14:27(NLT)

‘For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.’ 2 Timothy 1:7(NLT)

I always thought the belief that one’s life flashes before his or her eyes right before death was exaggerated – that is, until I sat on that couch and stared into my husband’s distraught face while a tornado of thoughts, worries, memories, and questions swirled across my mind. 

At first my questions were a stuttered series of single words: What? When? Where? And of course the all-time favorite question asked by thousands when thrown into unwanted circumstances: Why? But then, the questions progressed to more in-depth ones complete with a desire for every, little detail.

If betrayal has arrived on your marital doorstep, the likelihood that you are wanting to ask questions of your spouse is high. We’re curious if the betrayal happened when we were caring for our children at home or working hard at work to provide for our spouse. Basically, we want to know when it was that our spouse made a fool of us. 

Sometime during the first year after Chris’ confession, I finally made a decision. We were discussing the past, and I don’t remember exactly what I asked him, but it had something to do with an encounter he had with a woman. He very gently took my hand and said, “Babe, I’ll answer any questions you ask for the rest of my life. But will my answer make you feel any better?”

I looked into his eyes and knew he was right. His answer wouldn’t make me feel better. 

When we start down the “asking questions” path, it almost always comes from a place of fear within us. Our hearts start beating faster, and we literally don’t have the physical or mental strength to stop moving forward in our quest for answers. Because of this, we have to stop asking questions. Or it just might kill us.

When curiosity gets the best of us and we want to ask our spouse a question, we must first ask ourselves two questions: Why do I need to know this and will the answer help me heal? More times than not, asking the question and receiving an answer will only hurt us more. Sometimes a question is worth asking but my experience tells me that those cases are rare. 

Spend some time today writing down the questions you want to ask your spouse about the betrayal you’ve experienced. If the answers will only hurt you, don’t ask them. If they could help, choose an appropriate time to ask your spouse.

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall

‘Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.’ Proverbs 3:7(NLT)

We’ve been to plenty of weddings in our lives. Sometimes we want to attend, others times we don’t. We’ve been told “my, how much you’ve grown” more times that we can remember by an aunt we haven’t seen in ages. We’ve listened to sappy love songs being sung. We can practically recite the traditional wedding vows by memory…”for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health…” and so on. Those words are simple but meaningful. But just because they mean something on the wedding day doesn’t mean that stays the same as the marital years pass on.

When my husband chose to walk the road of unfaithfulness, many were stunned and shocked. They could not believe he would do such a thing. But as he shared everything that led him to do “such a thing,” the picture became more clear. His choice to be unfaithful didn’t happen overnight. It began with one poor choice.

Most people don’t plan to commit such gross acts of sin like unfaithfulness. It happens very slowly. One small step to the left or right, away from the path God has for us. One inappropriate conversation with a man who flirts with us. One innocent lunch appointment with the new, single girl at work. And before we know it, we have done the unthinkable. And broken our spouse’s heart in the process.

It doesn’t make sense, and yet, it makes total sense. 

It didn’t make sense that my pastor husband would step outside of his marriage to commit adultery. Yet, it made total sense when I learned that he’d struggled with an addiction to pornography for the better part of two decades. 

The betrayal you’re experiencing in your own marriage is probably something you never saw coming. Not once on your wedding day did you imagine this day would come. I mean, love will keep us together, right? Love will but we have to decide to make wise choices along the way. We can’t expect to have a strong, vibrant marriage if we don’t plan for one. The opposite is the same as well. If we don’t plan to have it, we won’t. And we’ll find ourselves apologizing for things we “never thought we’d do.” 

What have you experienced in your marriage that caused catastrophic consequences? What led you there? What are some guidelines you can put into place in your life to prevent you from making a poor decision? 

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall

‘This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!’ 2 Corinthians 5:17(NLT)

‘Your unfailing love, O Lord , is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.’ Psalms 36:5(NLT)

You never forget the day that changes your life forever. The day that turns your heart and your family upside down. My day arrived on February 19, 2002. On this particular morning, I was unpacking boxes and “nesting” in the home we just purchased a few days earlier in Edmond, Oklahoma. I was thrilled to be in a new place.

Until my husband walked in the front door unexpectedly about an hour after he left for work.

His face was solemn, and he asked if we could talk. My mind began to spin with anticipation of what might come out of his mouth. I waited for him to reassure me that all was well in this new life. But instead of words of comfort, the man I loved was about to share news that would alter the course of our lives in unimaginable ways. 

He said, “I’ve been unfaithful to you. Many different times, women, and places over the past 2 ½ years of our marriage.”

I trembled from my head to my feet as my mind went crazy with disbelief. The very real physical pain of my heart breaking took me by surprise. His eyes were tender, and I could tell he was devastated by watching me. As the reality set in of what his news was doing to my heart, he began to cry.

Betrayal. It’s here and no matter how many times you wish it away, it won’t leave. It’s something that is stamped onto your marriage resume for the rest of your days. Can you relate to that kind of letdown? Destruction? Devastation? When the walls have fallen down with such force that you could not breathe beneath the pressure of the debris or see beyond the dust of the rubble?

If you are feeling alone, know that I am here to help you along your journey. God desires to make you whole, even as the pieces of your known existence seem to be scattered to every corner of the universe. If the walls have tumbled and you cannot recognize truth from lies in the remains, know that God’s grace and power to transform your life are right there in the midst of the ruins. 

Hold on to your belief in redemption. I kept mine. Please keep yours as we walk together toward healing.

from Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall