Tag: Healing The Wounds Of Sexual Betrayal

‘Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. ‘ 1 John 4:18(NLT)

Scripture: 1 John 4:18

Sexual betrayal in our relationships creates fear. Fear is a legitimate response to a real threat. But once the threat is over, fear can hold us hostage and keep us out of life, opportunities, and relationships. Healing comes when we face the truth of what happened to us and establish safety in our relationships so that we can move forward. 

Being a victim doesn’t have to be your identity or your destiny. You won’t find peace, rest, or healthy relationships as long as you stay in that place. Our goal is to move out of being a victim of betrayal by growing into victorious and empowered ways of living: 

• We are able to identify our needs and responsibly meet them. 

• We listen to our hearts and bodies and take care of ourselves. 

• We can use our voices to make clear requests and advocate for truth. 

• We can choose to repair after safety and sobriety have been restored. 

• We can free ourselves from resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness. 

• We do what it takes to move from shame into kindness, truth, and self-compassion. 

• We are able to share our stories from a place of strength and self-assurance. 

• We learn we are free to make choices and take responsibility for what we can do. 

This isn’t about waiting for your husband, boyfriend, or loved one to change. It’s about owning your own healing.

But we can’t do it by ourselves. We can do it by locking arms with one woman at a time. At the end of the conferences I speak at, the women stand side by side and join hands throughout the room. As we clasp hands, we lift our arms to the ceiling. Looking around the room, we see we’ve created an unending circle of Women of Worth.

Now imagine yourself with your arms lifted high, whether in a circle in a recovery group or with a friend or among hundreds of women in a stadium. This image speaks the truth: we are women of worth. When we know who we are and what we’re fighting for, we’re FEARLESS.

You can make it to the other side. I did. And I’m here to tell you, you’re worth it. 

Who could you ask to partner with you in your journey toward healing—a counselor, a friend, a family member?

from Healing The Wounds Of Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Sheri Keffer

‘Have compassion on me, Lord , for I am weak. Heal me, Lord , for my bones are in agony.’ Psalms 6:2(NLT)

Scripture: Psalm 6:2

Every betrayed spouse has to deal with two serious blows. The first hit is hearing about the sex acts themselves. The second shocking jolt comes as we realize our husbands have been lying to us to hide what they’ve done. At that point, our thoughts tend to follow a pattern: 

1) If I can get you to stop doing the thing that’s causing me so much pain . . . 

2) then all this craziness and agony will stop . . .

3) and then I will be safe, and can get the love and stability I’m looking for. 

The problem is there are two people involved in this story. Both have the ability to change and both have the ability to choose. When one party is choosing to sexually deceive the other, it’s not even a horse race. No matter how much you want your spouse or loved one to stop lying and sexually acting out, if he doesn’t want to, he will choose sexual infidelity over his recovery and you. 

This may be the most painful reality we have to face: We can’t stop the men we love from doing the things they do. It’s ultimately their choice. Others often misunderstand our attempts to control the uncontrollable. To simply be told, “You need to stop controlling,” or “Quit your detective behavior,” only increases our shame. We feel blindfolded and punched at the same time. Control becomes a knee-jerk reaction to stop what’s hurting us. 

My marriage felt like a ship at sea and our boat was taking on water. I grabbed buckets and desperately tried to bail water out for both of us. My control was a frantic attempt to keep the boat from sinking. For almost a decade we dealt with cannonball after cannonball, discovery after discovery, hitting the ship. Eventually I realized I needed to figure out what choices I could make. I had to become my own captain on a sinking ship. 

Even though trying to control others isn’t healthy, it’s what we often do when we’ve been hurt. Taking the time to soulfully unpack the traumatic events in your life, past or present, is important for your recovery’s sake. That’s what you can control. And freedom is possible. I not only believe it’s possible; I’m a walking billboard to prove it.

In what ways might you be trying to bail water out of your own sinking ship? Take some time to reflect on what you can and can’t control. What things can you do to restore safety in your relationship?

from Healing The Wounds Of Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Sheri Keffer

‘For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. ‘ John 8:44(NLT)

Scripture: John 8:44

I believe there is something far worse than being told a lie—it’s believing the lie for the rest of your life. 

During traumatic events like sexual deception, our thoughts and emotions are wired to keep us at a distance from those painful things ever happening again. They send signals to our mind, saying, Hey, remember you’re not enough, better keep to yourself. It hurts too much to trust anyone, so just stay small and lay low. 

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if instead a big sign popped up that said, “You are a much loved person who didn’t deserve this; something horrible just happened to you!” 

Unfortunately, the brain doesn’t work that way. It does what it needs to guarantee our safety and survival.

It’s a crime to see how the impact of deception causes us to believe any number of lies about ourselves, whether they come from our own minds or through the hurtful words of others.

Once during a marital separation from my husband, a family member told me, “If you hadn’t decided to separate from Conner, he wouldn’t have been tempted to be unfaithful.” 

Surprisingly, I had the presence of mind to say, “I don’t care if Conner was here or in Antarctica; he needs to be committed to me and the fidelity of our relationship.”

This is someone I loved and whose words I respected. I don’t believe their intention was to cause me harm, but their comment placed shame on me. Those are the types of words that take root and cause us to blame ourselves.

Much of the personal pain that comes from betrayal trauma is a result of seeing ourselves through a lens of shame. Whether the roots of your trauma start in your betrayal experience, or like me, childhood wounds lie underneath the shock and pain of your betrayal, the situation requires healing.

Traumatic events can leave us feeling like something is horribly wrong with us. We question our worth, lovability, belonging, and—for some of us—even our very right to exist. Recovery takes bravery. But I’ve watched women like you who got out of the deepest pits by never giving up, until the truth of what happened to them and who they are set their hearts free. 

What is one lie you are believing about yourself today? What would you like to believe about yourself? What is the more truthful response to that lie?

from Healing The Wounds Of Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Sheri Keffer

‘And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.’ Philippians 1:6(NLT)

Scripture: Philippians 1:6

If you have recently discovered your partner’s sexual betrayal, your life probably feels like it’s crumbling before your eyes. You feel tremendous grief and anger. You are probably asking: 

• How did this happen?

• Why didn’t I see it before now?

• What will people think of me? Of him?

• Can I ever trust him again?

• Will the pain of this ever stop?

• Will I be able to survive this financially? 

• Are my children safe?

• Where is God in all of this? 

Climbing out from betrayal trauma can feel like hiking out of the Grand Canyon with a donkey on your back. There is a way out: it means asking yourself each day what you need. Then keep your eyes on the trail right in front of you by taking one day and one step at a time. 

You might say it’s not fair. Why should you have to do so much work to heal? I agree with you—it’s not fair. Sexual deception is not consensual. You didn’t have a choice in the matter—it happened to you.

But we do have choices about what we’re going to do to heal. What I can offer to you is compassion, understanding, and battle-proven ideas washed in blood, sweat, and tears to assist you on your way. What’s happened in my life and in the lives of other betrayed women who have grown through their pain is a by-product of something called posttraumatic growth. 

It’s mind-boggling how trauma and transformation can coexist. Recovering from adversity is how we find our voice, inner strength, freedom, and peace of mind without becoming invulnerable, indifferent, or insensitive. Resiliency comes after we’ve been completely unraveled and put back together again. Something can happen in us that goes well beyond surviving. We can become a deeper, richer, and wiser version of ourselves.

Posttraumatic growth is not something any of us go looking for, yet strangely we change through this crucible of uninvited pain. While I don’t ever want to walk this road again, what I have walked through has changed me—for the better. No matter what has happened to you, if you’re willing to roll up your sleeves, you can find yourself and begin to live again. 

Can you think about one person you know who has gone through incredible pain and become stronger? What is one thing you can do today to move toward your healing and growth?

from Healing The Wounds Of Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Sheri Keffer

‘For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain. My covenant of blessing will never be broken,” says the Lord , who has mercy on you.’ Isaiah 54:10(NLT)

Scripture: Isaiah 54:10

Women often feel relieved when they discover that sexual betrayal leads to genuine trauma. While no one would question the impact of trauma on soldiers returning from their time of loyal service, many people still don’t understand what trauma from sexual betrayal looks like—including some of us who have been betrayed.

Misinformation, misunderstandings, differing perspectives, or a lack of education can be hurtful. Even though I went through years of betrayal myself, I’ve personally asked women I’ve worked with to forgive me for words I’ve spoken to them. When it comes to handling the complexities of betrayal trauma, we still have so much to learn. 

Sexual deception is not simply a violation of trust or something women need to get over. When a woman is reacting to sexual betrayal, it’s because she’s looking for two necessary things: safety and the truth. Understanding betrayal trauma is like putting on a whole new set of glasses to see the layered consequences and what is needed to recover. 

Trauma is a reaction of our bodies, minds, and emotions to a deeply distressing event. The earth-shattering incident changes the way we see people in our world and unravels our sense of safety. We can’t go back. We can’t erase what happened to us. Who we are and how we live significantly shift. Like a death, earthquake, or car crash, the event happens suddenly and changes us without warning, causing us to feel shock, denial, agony, terror, or helplessness.

Our bodies are designed to recover and regenerate after short-lived traumas known as acute traumatic events. But ongoing traumas like intimate sexual deceptions where partners are exposed to betraying events repeatedly and over longer periods of time are much different. Staying in a state of alarm from the emotional violations and looming threats can alter how our bodies and brain systems operate. Issues such as chronic anxiety, fear, paranoia, unpredictable emotions, distrust of others, loss of personal safety, guilt, and shame begin to surface.

Sexual betrayal changes the way we feel about ourselves and how we live. We might seem okay on the outside for a while. But the unseen wounds of trauma continue to poison us from the inside out. If left untreated, the effects can destroy us. 

What signs of stress have you noticed in your body, brain and spirit since you’ve been dealing with the pain of betrayal? What is one thing you can today to focus on what you need to heal? 

from Healing The Wounds Of Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Sheri Keffer

‘This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”’ Joshua 1:9(NLT)

Scripture: Joshua 1:9

You don’t have to look beyond Facebook, the latest TED Talk, or even your own front door to see the devastating impact of sexual deception and betrayal. Think about: 

• the shock 

• the far-reaching impact 

• the mind-numbing disbelief about what has happened 

• the words you’ve read, the pictures you’ve uncovered, the conversations you’ve overheard, or the unforgettable situation you unknowingly walked into 

It’s like walking into an angry nest of wasps. A honeybee can only sting once. As its barbed weapon becomes lodged in its victim, the bee dies. But a wasp’s stinger remains intact, so it can sting over and over. When a betrayed partner is still living with a sexually addicted husband or a serial cheater, the chronic pain and ongoing deception repeatedly sting. 

We are walking wounded. I’ve heard your stories, and I have my own. The pain is insidious, and I’m deeply grieved over what has happened to you. How could the one you chose to love share sacred intimacies with someone else? How could this have happened to you?

When I began to suspect my husband of pornography addiction, I didn’t want to see. I didn’t want to know. Denial had become my friend, or so I thought. I too was keeping secrets; I was keeping a secret from myself. As a way of coping with my pain, I didn’t want to see what was real. There was too much at stake. Both of us were in denial, me in my traumatically induced protective denial and my husband in his denial of the severity of his addiction. Denial quietly opened the door for the sexual deception to continue to grow, underground. 

If you are in a similar situation, let me make myself very clear: his sexual acting out is never your fault. You are not a collaborator in his choices.

What I’ve learned is that courage isn’t a feeling; it’s a decision. I came to a point when I opened my eyes, faced reality, and looked at what was really going on. It’s what I called “the end of pretend” and it is one of the first steps toward healing. 

Why does it take courage to face reality? What is the difference between having a feeling of courage and making a decision to be courageous?

from Healing The Wounds Of Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Sheri Keffer

‘You will be rewarded for this; your hope will not be disappointed.’ Proverbs 23:18(NLT)

Scripture: Proverbs 23:18

When I first discovered my husband’s sexual betrayal, I wish I’d had someone to help me walk through the devastation I felt. I wish I had looked at what might occur if I didn’t face the pain and shame of it all.

Today you might be experiencing the shock of the first discoveries. Or maybe you’ve been living in a relationship with long-term deception as I once was. Maybe you’re afraid to know. Please don’t ignore it, for your sake. The problem doesn’t go away on its own. 

The first thing I want to tell you is that you are not crazy. When deception, lies, and manipulation sneak into our relationships, we question who we are because our sense of safety and innocence is shattered. But the craziness is the situation that has been secretly happening around you. My goal is to help you discover the truth about what happened to you and assist you in reclaiming the truth of who you really are.

The most current research shows that women who suddenly discover their spouse’s betrayals may develop the same symptoms of posttraumatic stress as victims of war. If we ignore the true nature of trauma, it becomes a lethal presence that can block true healing from taking place.

It doesn’t matter whether we grew up in a stable, healthy family or a family that included pain and abuse. Betrayal and intimate deception cause a traumatic breach of trust. The shocking turn of events disrupts our lives, compromises our safety, and overwhelms us. 

Over my years of recovery, I’ve learned the importance of facing my fears about sexual deception and taking bold steps with hopes of turning things around. I personally experienced the pain caused by pornography, phone sex, illicit relationships, affairs, and prostitutes. It all hurts. I am deeply sorry for how these deceptive sexual acts have impacted your life. I’m here to tell you that you can rediscover who you are in light of what has happened to you. 

You are worthy. You deserve competent, compassionate, and effective treatment. If you are willing to take the first step toward change, hope and healing are waiting for you. 

In what ways have you questioned yourself because of your partner’s sexual betrayal? How would your perspective shift if you truly believed you are worthy of love, you deserve to be heard, and you are not crazy?

from Healing The Wounds Of Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Sheri Keffer