Tag: Getting Ready for Marriage

‘So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.’ Genesis 1:27(NLT)

‘“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:4-6(NLT)

‘God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. ‘ 1 Thessalonians 4:3(NLT)

No matter what your experience is with your sexuality, we’re convinced those who handle their physical oneness best in marriage are the couples who have developed a healthy view of sexuality. Since sex was God’s idea and creation, let’s move past the Hollywood stereotype of it and go to the original source. God intended sex to be beautiful, pleasurable, and to create oneness within marriage. God not only created sex, but also sees it as great within marriage.

Because sex is God’s creation, He has established boundaries not to limit enjoyment but to enhance His designed and desired oneness. God’s sexual limitations—basically warnings to refrain from (1) adultery and (2) sexual immorality—are not established to condemn sex but rather to keep marriage pure and honorable. Why go to the hassle of providing guidelines? Because He wants the best for you. God’s words on sexuality are beautiful and sacred, and when experienced His way sex can provide the physical, emotional, and spiritual connection for which we long. Sex will be a seal and a celebration of your marriage.

Without this theological framework, sex simply becomes reduced to nothing more than a recreational pleasure act that can produce children. Culture has embraced and promoted a much lower view of sex where anything goes. As a result, we are seeing marriages crushed by adultery and pornography. Sex has been turned into a cheap thrill, or even worse, a way to manipulate and enslave one another. That’s not God’s design for the sacred act of sex.

When Jesus said “becoming one flesh” (Eph. 5:31), he meant that as more than just having sex; the sexual act is clearly an experience of literally joining your bodies as one. Your sexual relationship is a uniting experience. Your sexual relationship becomes a sacred seal of the lifelong commitment you make toward oneness. You really can’t understand your sexuality and the important role it plays in your relationship if you don’t view it as a gift from God. It’s a gift that keeps on giving and connecting the two of you into one.

* Is your view of sexuality based on God’s view, or the worlds view? What expectations about sex are you bringing into this marriage and have you discussed them in pre-marital counseling?

from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

‘Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.’ Matthew 6:21(NLT)

‘For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.’ 1 Timothy 6:10(NLT)

Few people realize before marriage that their own personal relationship with money is critical to the health of their relationship when they’re married. As odd as it sounds, everyone really does have a relationship with money. You can’t escape it; you can only make sure that it becomes a positive bond and not a source of bondage.

Being a good manager of money is often a matter of attitude. Your actions toward money will reflect your attitude. Some people have a stronger love relationship with the almighty dollar than with their chosen partner. They even love money more than God. However, when you learn to put God and your family ahead of money, you are beginning to practice healthy money management.

Speaking of God, did you know He gives us a lot of instruction about money? In the Bible, there are about 500 verses on prayer, 500 verses on faith, and more than 2,350 verses on money! Management of one’s finances is a spiritual issue. In the church world, money management is often called stewardship. For those of us who follow Jesus, we are called to be faithful stewards (essentially, managers) of our resources. Many financial counselors wake up every day excited to help others become good stewards. Ron Blue is one advisor so inspired to help couples find financial success and happiness. A couple of his key principles of stewardship are that God owns it all and delayed gratification is the key to financial maturity.

As a couple you will need to decide how you handle your finances. The big question is: Will you choose spending and debt, or delayed gratification and a responsible budget? If you haven’t already discussed this, you need to give this question serious consideration, and then plot your action steps to ensure your long-term success.

* How have you treated money as a single? How are you planning on treating it as a married couple? Have you talked at length about this very important topic? Have you created a budget for your soon-to-be shared finances?

from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

‘But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. ‘ Romans 5:8(NLT)

‘“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. ‘ John 3:16(NLT)

Forgiveness is the glue that will keep your marriage together. Without giving and receiving forgiveness, you will disconnect from one another and lose intimacy. Forgiveness does not mean you will forget the wrong committed against you, but it does mean you make a choice not to hold a grudge. You don’t forgive because you feel like it, but because it’s a step toward healing. Forgiveness is a conscious decision. It may not necessarily remove the consequences or repair broken trust, but it does make reconciliation possible.

Because of our faith, we believe the greatest act of grace appeared when Jesus died for our sins. The sacrifice of His life on the cross made forgiveness possible, and now we are able to experience abundant life on earth and eternal life in heaven. This is the epitome of unconditional love. For us to receive God’s forgiveness and then choose not to forgive our spouse is the highest form of arrogance. When you forgive your partner, you are choosing to deliberately “drop the charges” of the wrong done to you. You are never more like Jesus than when you forgive. A healthy, thriving marriage is made up of two imperfect people who will hurt one another, but who also know how to forgive one another.

* Though this is one of the shortest lessons, it’s probably one of the most important. What is your motivation to forgive your fiancé when you really don’t feel like it? Have you witnessed Biblical forgiveness from them? Have you given it yourself? Look over the pattern of hurt and forgiveness that characterizes your relationship, is it healthy and Biblically based?

from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.’ Ephesians 5:21(NLT)

‘The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:3-5(NLT)

Superiority Attitude: If one person in the relationship becomes the dictator (or boss), the relationship will head toward destruction. As long as you feel superior to your partner, you won’t resolve problems together. A dictator spouse can become scornful and harsh because he or she doesn’t see the other as an equal. A healthy marriage requires you to be committed to serving one another. Paul’s relationship advice in Ephesians 5:21 summarizes this beautifully: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” In a growing marriage there is no room for superiority, but there is always room for emotional humility (or what Tim Keller calls emotional wealth, which is fundamentally an inner joy and confidence). To keep an attitude of superiority from becoming a block in your marriage, we encourage you to learn to walk humbly with God and with your partner. You will find it much easier to serve your spouse when you realize God is the One who is superior—not you.

Attack Mode: Another way to not submit to your spouse, is to enter attack mode. Nothing will inflame conflict like attacking your partner. Attacking appears in the forms of blaming, shaming, yelling, bringing up the past—all of these will trigger defensiveness, fear of disapproval, and feelings of rejection. The moment the attacking begins is the moment healthy communication stops. As you move toward marriage, it’s important to learn that some actions just never work—this is one of them. You will get mad in a marriage. We promise it will happen… probably many times over the course of your lives together. She may become more like her mother or he may treat you exactly like his father treated his mother—both in negative ways—but those realities will never be healed or reconciled if you yell or move into attack mode.

* Have you been guilty of superiority attitude or attack mode so far in your relationship? Did your fiancé call you out on it? What safeguards did you put in place to ensure it doesn’t happen again?

from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

‘Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.’ Proverbs 21:23(NLT)

‘The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.’ Proverbs 18:21(NLT)

The book of Proverbs has a lot of relational advice when it comes to the power of words, and we would be wise to consider them. One verse says, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Many marriage have been saved and strengthened with kindness and affirmation, and many have crashed and burned because of mean-spirited and angry words. Wisdom says, “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity” (Proverbs 21:23). Some marriages take this “guarding” caution to the negative extreme and just stop talking altogether. That’s definitely not the answer for your marriage. A better answer is to not say everything you are thinking. If words are going to hurt your spouse, don’t use them. Keep your mouth shut and be wise.

To develop a healthy marriage, you will need to learn to use your words to engage in intimate conversation, share feelings, express needs, inform your spouse, and bring delight. Words are powerful! The key to powerful spoken words is learning what to say, and more importantly, what not to say—which is often more difficult.

We recently asked an older, happily married couple attending our Refreshing Your Marriage conference, “What’s the secret to your longevity and success in marriage?” The husband looked at his wife and said, “One word: filter.” We pushed for more of an explanation, and what followed was powerful. He said that early in their marriage he needed to filter his words. “Sometimes I just had to bite my tongue and not say what I was thinking. I had to learn that kind words built up and harsh words tore down my wife. I needed to filter my words and not say everything I was thinking unless they were words that were intended to build up. I guess I would say that’s been the biggest secret to our longevity and success.”

* How is your communication with your fiancé? Take a look at your words over the past week, how many have built up, and how many have tore down? How can you better your communication in the future?

from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

‘For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:23-33(NLT)

Do you remember this verse? “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.”

With no intention of sounding heartless, we have to say that you can’t allow your extended family to take your marriage down. Too many marriages falter and fail because the struggles and pain of extended family members take precedence over any kind of marital connectedness. The mandate from God is to leave your family and make your spouse your first priority. That doesn’t mean you ignore your extended family; it means keeping your marriage sacred and secure so that you remain united in the face of whatever challenges your families must confront. Protect your family and do the right thing.

That being said, learning to navigate the choppy waters of the extended family can all come down to honor. When you show honor to your extended family, you are directly showing honor to your spouse. No matter how different you are from your extended family, you can still communicate respect and learn to be as positive as possible. Regardless of whether your mother-in-law remembers your birthday, make sure she gets a nice card from you on hers. You may need to compromise your expectations in order to show your in-laws respect. This doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to be extremely connected with them. You don’t have to call them “Dad” or “Mom” and watch TV with them every Sunday night. But if you choose to marry their son or daughter, it’s your job to find ways to care for them (even if that care and respect are not always reciprocated).

Whatever you choose to do to honor your in-laws, remember that your primary job is to be supportive of your future wife or husband no matter how much or how little you have in common with their family. Make it your goal to live out this biblical principle: “Outdo one another in showing honor.”

* How are you already showing honor to your to-be in-laws? In what ways can you build upon this in the future?

from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

‘Without wise leadership, a nation falls; there is safety in having many advisers.’ Proverbs 11:14(NLT)

‘Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.’ Proverbs 12:15(NLT)

Proverbs 11:14 states, “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” While this biblical principle applies to all areas of our lives, it screams “this makes sense” in the context of getting married. Think about it: you would never have a surgical procedure without seeking the advice of a doctor. Unfortunately, too many couples don’t invest the time (or the money) to get the needed relational advice and guidance through premarital counseling.

In fact, by getting premarital education the chance of divorce is lowered by 31 percent. Please pause to think deeply about that statistic for a moment: by simply committing to reading a book like this one or meeting with a counselor, you could drop the odds of divorce from 50 percent to 19!

If one of you is unwilling to get premarital counseling, we actually think this is a “red flag.” Yes, premarital counseling can bring up tender issues that may create some relational pain. But if you’re honest, you know that those issues are going to come up sometime anyway, so we suggest that you have the wisdom to tackle them on the “pre” side of the wedding rather than the “post” side. Getting good counsel will not only prepare you for the many years ahead, it will also help you identify the dangerous issues that could hold you back from having a successful marriage. Don’t convince yourself that you can figure it out on your own and that you don’t need the guidance of others. Look what that type of person is called in Proverbs 12:15, “Fools see their own way as right, but the wise listen to advice.”

* Have you both gone through premarital counseling, or at least read a pre-marriage book? If not, what is stopping you from investing in your future marriage?

from Getting Ready for Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields