Tag: Free Looks Good on You: Healing the Soul Wounds of Toxic Love

‘My child, don’t lose sight of common sense and discernment. Hang on to them, for they will refresh your soul. They are like jewels on a necklace.’ Proverbs 3:21-22(NLT)

‘Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.’ Matthew 5:37(NLT)

It may sound romantic to give our hearts to a man, but the Bible never tells us to give our hearts to a person. When we give all of our hearts to someone else, we run the risk of making them an idol. Instead, we’re kept safe when we give our hearts to God and our love to others. 

When we give our hearts away our emotions follow. Often this blind trust convinces us that there’s no need to set boundaries or guard our hearts. Boundaries, however, not only protect us from bitterness that comes when others violate our wishes, but they also protect the relationship by creating an atmosphere where mutual respect can flourish.

Maybe you’ve thought boundaries were selfish. That your priorities were to make your partner happy and ignore your own needs. Maybe you thought it was his job to protect your heart, not yours. That if he loved you, there was no need to set boundaries. Then what did you do if you felt mistreated? Taken advantage of? Lied to? You probably felt angry and anger has to come out somehow. 

If you have a habit of ignoring your instincts or denying your emotions, your capacity to set healthy boundaries will be compromised. If that’s you and you realize that you’ve allowed men to take advantage of you, it might make you mad at yourself for tolerating unacceptable behavior. That’s okay. Some anger is justified and can make you aware of the need for change. Just don’t stay angry. Allow righteous anger to motivate you to make healthy changes, and then forgive yourself and move on. 

Some women have grown up with the twisted notion that submission and surrender obligate them to say yes. That somehow it’s godlier to be agreeable. Saying no, however, is a spiritual precept. Why? Because when we say yes when we really mean no, we have to clean up the mess of frustration and potential bitterness left behind. We are supposed to let our yes be yes and our no be no. The good news is that we don’t have to allow others to trespass against us. The Bible says, “Thou shalt love thy neighbor,” not “Thou shalt please thy neighbor.”

If you’ve been mistreated, let me assure you: God is not happy. You didn’t deserve it. And you don’t have to continue to allow it. Boundaries are not only biblical, they’re necessary for your freedom and the health of your relationships. Boundaries help you close the door on bitterness so your soul can heal from the wounds of toxic love and walk in the freedom and strength of forgiveness. 

It’s time to release the shackles of your past. It’s time for you to be free!

from Free Looks Good on You: Healing the Soul Wounds of Toxic Love by Christy Johnson

‘And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ‘ Philippians 4:8(NLT)

‘Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:2(NLT)

‘throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.’ Ephesians 4:22-24(NLT)

Did your parents ever tell you to watch your mouth? As a young girl, whenever I complained my mother’s voice rose a few octaves as she warned, “Christine, don’t give me any lip! You’d better watch your mouth!”

I knew it was time to shape up when she used my full name.

My mom wasn’t a Bible student, but if she had been, she’d have realized she was teaching me a spiritual principle. 

Before a word is formed on our tongue, it’s first a thought in our mind. Believe it or not, we get to choose what thoughts we allow ourselves to think about. You’ve no doubt heard the saying, you are what you eat. The same is true with your thoughts: you are what you think.

Remember the castle illustration I used in the fifth devotional when I asked you to think of your soul as a castle? Your mind is like the door to your palace. Only you can decide what thoughts or meditations you allow inside. You also decide what meditations are not allowed to come in. 

When negative thoughts try to invade your castle and influence your emotions, you have the responsibility to kick them out. If a robber rang your doorbell and asked if he could come in and steal all of your valuables, you’d slam the door in his face, bolt it shut, and call 911. And yet when harmful thoughts try to rob our valuable peace, we often open the door and welcome them in. We may even offer them coffee and say, “Sit down for a while, and let’s talk.”

I have a speakeasy on the front door of my house—a small-latched opening that allows me to talk to a person ringing the bell without opening the door. It’s very useful because I can keep the door shut and locked while I decide if I want to allow the person to come in. Just because someone rings the doorbell doesn’t obligate me to welcome them inside. That’s the way we should deal with our thoughts. 

Satan’s battleground is your mind. His brand of deception combines a lethal lie with a dash of truth. That way, a lie doesn’t really sound like a lie. A lure of self-pity seems reasonable. The bait of bitterness seems justified. He makes pride seem like confidence and insecurity seem like humility. The list goes on. He twists and tweaks the truth, but if he can penetrate your brain, he can pollute your thought life. 

Make a choice daily to free your mind of toxic thinking. Refuse to entertain thoughts that contradict what God’s word says about you!  

Thoughts to Consider: 

What toxic thoughts and lies do you need to replace?

Say a prayer and ask the Lord to help you renew your mind with His truth. 

from Free Looks Good on You: Healing the Soul Wounds of Toxic Love by Christy Johnson

‘So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! ‘ Hebrews 10:35(NLT)

‘Meanwhile, my enemies lay traps to kill me. Those who wish me harm make plans to ruin me. All day long they plan their treachery.’ Psalms 38:12(NLT)

‘I listen carefully to what God the Lord is saying, for he speaks peace to his faithful people. But let them not return to their foolish ways.’ Psalms 85:8(NLT)

Growing up as an energetic chatty young girl, I must have driven my dad crazy. I pestered him with a million questions. With lots and lots of stories. If I heard it once, I heard it a thousand times. After taking a long puff of his Swisher Sweet cigar, a cloud of smoke and frustration would billow out together. “Chrissie, hurry up! Get to the point. You talk too much.”

My father didn’t mean to discourage me, but the enemy of my soul did. He wanted to destroy my confidence. 

I can just imagine his strategy: Hmmm. A girl who thinks she has a voice? I’d better put a stop to that. And who better to use to squash my heart than someone I loved—my father.

When my dad told me I talked too much, I started to believe him. And the enemy added some flavorful accusations to my father’s impatience. Accusations like:

You have nothing important to say. 

You’d better keep your mouth shut. 

Nobody wants to hear your opinion because you’re unworthy and insignificant.

By the time I was in junior high, the energetic chatty girl was quiet. Reserved. Timid. Insecure. For a while at least, it looked like I was defeated. I learned to shut up before I ever had a chance to speak up. 

The scoundrel starts with lies that begin at an early age. He knows that if he can convince us when we’re young that we’re worthless, we’ll carry those thoughts into adulthood and into our relationships. Once the lies are embedded in our thoughts, we accept them as truth. Satan’s aim is to make us weak and vulnerable and strangle us in bitterness. 

We’ll feel comfortable with insults because they’re familiar to us. They don’t just live on the lips of people we love; they live in our heads. 

For a while, the enemy may win. But once we unravel his plan, the tables turn! I’m glad I’m onto him now. Once I figured out his strategy, I was able to install security in place to guard my castle. Now, the energetic chatty young girl is back. But this time…

I’m older and wiser. 

I’m strong and free. 

And you can be free, too! 

from Free Looks Good on You: Healing the Soul Wounds of Toxic Love by Christy Johnson

‘When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild. But whoever obeys the law is joyful.’ Proverbs 29:18(NLT)

‘Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.’ Proverbs 4:23(NLT)

‘For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.’ Ephesians 6:12(NLT)

Can you imagine a house without windows? Sunshine would never have a chance to dance through your curtains in the morning and kiss you hello. Gentle breezes would never be able to deliver fresh air. And without a way to look outside, how would you ever know if someone was trying to get in? 

Every house needs a way to look outside. Windows give us access to what is going on around us. Windows allow us to see beyond the perimeter of our property. But we also have to know when to keep them locked to protect ourselves against unwelcome intruders. 

Since you are the dwelling place of God, I’d like you to think of your soul as a castle. You’re the princess, but you have an enemy—the devil, and he’s out to kill. From the day you were born he studies you. He wants to find out where you’re weak and vulnerable in order to destroy your future. He’s afraid that you might find out how powerful you are. Satan attacks in infancy what he fears in maturity.

The plan he creates to crush you is tailor-made for you. He knows what makes you mad and he knows the best way to accomplish his goal. 

Bank robbers study blueprints to plan their robbery. Military strategists create detailed plans to infiltrate their enemy’s property. Football coaches study their opponents. They watch videos and frame-by-frame in slow motion, they develop a game plan to overpower their rival. 

And guess what? You’re no different. The enemy hates you. If you don’t know where you’re vulnerable, how will you be able to protect yourself? How will you guard the castle of your soul from offenses created to consume you? 

The transgressions Satan crafts for your friend may not anger you. The way he invades her fortress may be different than the scheme he’s created to assault you. That’s because we all have unique vulnerabilities based on our personalities, callings, maturity, and life experiences. 

The enemy loves it when we have no clue how he keeps getting inside. He likes naïve princesses with unguarded castles. If you can’t see where the enemy slitters in, he’ll keep coming back in the same way. He won’t stop until his plot no longer works. You’ve got to be smarter than he is. 

We all have weaknesses, but it’s foolish to leave them unguarded. The enemy loves it when we’re blind to the ways he tries to keep us bound in bitterness. It’s time to put an end to his plan!

Take a moment to reflect on what most triggers your anger. Then ask the Lord how you can protect yourself against the enemy’s plot to destroy your soul and steal your joy. 

from Free Looks Good on You: Healing the Soul Wounds of Toxic Love by Christy Johnson

‘for I can see that you are full of bitter jealousy and are held captive by sin.”’ Acts of the Apostles 8:23(NLT)

‘Another person dies in bitter poverty, never having tasted the good life.’ Job 21:25(NLT)

‘Control your temper, for anger labels you a fool.’ Ecclesiastes 7:9(NLT)

In my first marriage, I spent a lot of energy trying to fix my spouse. It took me a long time to realize that I had no control over his behavior. I’d allowed many offenses because I had weak boundaries and permitted unacceptable behavior to continue. The truth is that I often taught my husband how to treat me by what I tolerated.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, much of your frustration and bitterness can be avoided when you recognize your mental handicaps. Prevention and awareness are huge factors when it comes to forgiveness. When your soul is not healthy, you become vulnerable to unhealthy relationships and unknowingly create an environment where bitterness has the potential to flourish.

Some common mental handicaps include picking men you want to change, ignoring red flags, getting emotionally involved too soon, and misunderstanding submission and how to set healthy boundaries. It’s also important to heal from emotional issues stemming from past relationships, including any lingering emotional wounds we’ve experienced from our fathers. Otherwise, we’ll carry those hurts into our romantic relationships. 

Mandi expressed some profound self-awareness at a codependency meeting I once attended. “I used to wonder,” she said, “did I pick the wrong person?” She paused for a moment and shifted in her chair. “The truth is, any guy would have been the wrong one. In the shape I was in—until I learned how to put my past behind me and forgive my father—my anger and bitterness issues would have either drawn me to unhealthy partners or caused me to destroy even a healthy relationship.”

Mandi had identified her handicap. She recognized that her own anger was the root of her inability to enjoy a healthy relationship. Like Mandi, until we recognize our part and hold ourselves accountable to change, our handicaps will keep us bound in misery. And then, even if we pick the right guy, our bitterness will cause us to sabotage what could have been a healthy relationship. 

Like Mandi, when we carry offenses against men we’ve not yet forgiven, our bitterness can destroy even healthy relationships. Our bitterness is like a heat-seeking missile—a weapon with an invisible guidance system that seems to draw us toward explosive targets. 

While we can’t change our partner, we can change our responses. And the good news is that the more we take care of our own temple, the less time we’ll spend making repairs and cleaning up the mess that bitterness leaves behind. When we learn how to protect our areas of vulnerability we can prevent additional offenses from causing further damage to our soul. 

from Free Looks Good on You: Healing the Soul Wounds of Toxic Love by Christy Johnson

‘They offer superficial treatments for my people’s mortal wound. They give assurances of peace when there is no peace.’ Jeremiah 6:14(NLT)

‘People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.’ Proverbs 28:13(NLT)

Forgiveness is hard. It’s a lot like algebra. We can’t learn how to solve an algebraic equation until we’ve learned how to add, subtract, multiply, and divide. Likewise, there are skills we need to learn that will enable us to forgive and make it stick. 

Because…it doesn’t always stick. 

How many times have you forgiven and then, a few days later, found yourself angry all over again? Somehow, bitterness made its way back. 

Like the dust bunnies, you swept away last week. 

Forgiveness is not a one-and-done experience. It’s something we have to do over and over again. It’s like cleaning the house. We can’t clean the house once a year and expect it to stay pristine. And since we are the dwelling place of God, we have the responsibility to keep our spiritual house clean. 

Instead, many women mask their pain and bitterness by running to counterfeit comforters that promise relief. They know they’re supposed to forgive, but the process of forgiving is often too vague. It seems easier to bury the pain and deny it exists. They don’t know how to turn to God and release the offense, so they squash their emotions with anything that provides temporary relief. 

Others fall for the illusion that the easiest way to forgo forgiveness is to deny that they’re even angry in the first place. They minimize their pain with a variety of lies in order to reconcile their anguish. They reject reality to numb the crazy.

Minimizing, rationalizing, and denying our pain also makes us unaware of the bitterness that begins to grow. Often, we don’t recognize bitterness because it manifests as shame, guilt, and self-condemnation. Other people can also contribute to our denial. Although their advice may be well-intended, their comments can influence our perception and delay our acknowledgment of the offense and the resulting need to forgive. Their comments can also produce shame and other feelings of self-hatred. We may wonder why we’re so conflicted when they say things like:

• Get over it.
• It’s not that big of a deal.
• You shouldn’t feel that way.
• You asked for it.
• You should have known better.

The Bible warns us about people who dish out false comfort. Be careful whom you listen to. Everyone has an opinion, but not everyone offers wise counsel. 

from Free Looks Good on You: Healing the Soul Wounds of Toxic Love by Christy Johnson

‘Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. ‘ Hebrews 12:15(NLT)

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.’ Ephesians 4:26-27(NLT)

‘And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ‘ Romans 8:28(NLT)

Whether it’s a relationship with your spouse, fiancé, a current boyfriend or an ex, because of the emotional bonds that develop, romantic relationships with men have the capacity to cause the deepest soul wounds. And no matter how difficult the betrayal or rejection was or still is, you know you’re supposed to forgive, but how do you let go of the pain and move past the memories? 

Those that mean well may advise you to kiss and make up or just get over it, but does that mean the offense is gone? Are you really over it? Or are you just stuffing the pain? 

For some the hurt is obvious. An angry scowl. A hateful stare or harsh words. Others feel ashamed of their anger and don’t want to admit they’re resentful. Like the extra five pounds concealed by Spanx, they stuff the hurt inside. Repressed anger has a way of oozing out, however, often in physical ailments

From the outside, I looked like I had it all together. I went to church, read my Bible, and memorized scripture. I had verses taped on my mirror and owned a library of Christian books. I even joked that all my coffee cups were saved since they were each embellished with my favorite scriptures. 

But with all of my efforts to live right, my body and soul were a wreck. I thought forgiveness excused the offense, so I justified my misery and clung tighter to the pain. And that pain grew deep roots of bitterness and manifested in migraines, backaches, and high blood pressure. When I chose not to forgive, the anger not only affected me emotionally and spiritually, it infected my body as well. 

What I didn’t realize is that my bitterness gave the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:27). The word foothold used in this verse comes from a Greek word topos which means an inhabited place, a license, or a quarter. My bitterness gave the devil permission to torment me. I gave him a room or headspace if you will. He couldn’t possess me since I was a Christian, but he gladly came with his troop of terror and weighed me down with frustration, anxiety, and despair. He also invaded my body with a barrage of health issues, anxiety, and depression. 

Physicians could only treat my symptoms with prescriptions and medication, but the Great Physician helped me heal through scripture and meditation. It took a lot of effort and tons of courage, but with God’s help, I learned how to dig up the roots of bitterness and begin the healing process. It’s my hope that my journey through forgiveness will help you find your own freedom as well. 

Just getting over it is bad advice. But if you stick with me, I’ll help you get through it and become stronger as a result. When you release the roots of bitterness to God, the curse becomes a cure. 

from Free Looks Good on You: Healing the Soul Wounds of Toxic Love by Christy Johnson