Tag: Fighting For My Marriage

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NLT)

Harold and Louise are an extraordinary couple. We had the privilege of meeting them at a recent marriage conference we were hosting, and we were instantly drawn to them. There was a sparkle in their eyes and an adoration they obviously had for one another. They couldn’t help themselves from smiling every time their eyes met. Even though they were both in their seventies, they acted like two teenagers in love.

We spent as much time around them as we could that weekend, because we wanted to learn the “secret” of their lifelong love. We wanted to know how their love had grown richer with time, and how even through painful setbacks in Louise’s health, they both remained joyful, optimistic, and passionately devoted to one another.

Louise shared a story with us which gave us a glimpse into their lifelong love. She said, “Our first date was on March 17, so on April 17, Harold brought me a long stem rose to celebrate our one month anniversary. I was genuinely impressed by his thoughtfulness, but I didn’t expect the roses to come very often. I was so surprised when he brought me another rose on May 17 to celebrate our second month together. I smiled and thought, ‘Wow! This fella is a keeper!’

She looked at Harold with a smile and continued her story. “After we got married, I expected the roses to stop, but on the 17th that first month of our marriage, another rose appeared.”

She paused to squeeze Harold’s hand, and tears began to form in her eyes as she smiled and said, “It has been fifty-four years since our first date, and every month on the seventeenth for 648 months in a row, Harold has brought me a rose.”

As she finished her story, I (Dave) was simultaneously inspired by their love story and at the same time feeling like an insensitive jerk for never having done anything for Ashley that could match that level of consistent thoughtfulness. Harold definitely challenged me to raise the bar in my own marriage! I obviously can’t build a time machine and go back to the beginning and start that type of tradition, but I can (and you can too) start today to bring more thoughtfulness and romance to the marriage.

Harold and Louise would be quick to tell you it takes a lot more than roses to build a strong, lifelong marriage. The flowers weren’t really the point of their story; it was the thoughtfulness behind the flowers. As I spend time with couples who have faithfully loved each other for decades, I’m convinced their “secret” is really no secret at all. It’s a simple choice to put love into action by consistently serving, encouraging, supporting and adoring one another.

As we wrap up this seven-day journey, we encourage you to think about one or two new habits you’d like to implement into your marriage and one or two negative habits you’ll take action to remove from your marriage. Your habits will shape your marriage, so make sure you’re creating the right habits together.

from Fighting For My Marriage

‘Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ‘ Philippians 4:6-8(NLT)

I (Ashley) remember the conversation vividly.  My friends and I were driving to the beach for a girl’s trip.  In a rare moment of silence, one friend blared out that she was going to leave her husband because she didn’t love him anymore.  As I listened to her reasoning, I silently prayed that God would give us the words to help our hurting friend give her husband and her marriage another chance. Here’s what we shared with her…

Every marriage has seasons of disappointment, frustration, and grind.  Sometimes we bring it on ourselves with bad choices or careless mistakes.  Other times, we’re blindsided by an unforeseen catastrophe.  It’s easy to point fingers during those times.  It’s easy to shut down, stop talking, and internalize bitterness or shame.  But those moments–when our hearts are broken and we have thousands of words left unspoken–are the very moments that we need to lean into our spouse the most.  

This world tells us that love is a feeling that can come and go.  If this is true, then love will fail us every time.  And it will never be enough to hold a marriage together.  But this is NOT at all how God defines love.  The Bible tells us that true love is unconditional.  It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs.  It protects us.  It heals us.  True love never fails us!

Even so, there may be moments we feel like giving up on our spouse and ending our marriage.  Why is this? We don’t foresee the healing in our future.  We don’t want to put in the work and take the time to get to the root issues.

We’d rather just start over. But what we fail to see is that marriage is a lasting commitment that we will always carry with us, regardless of whether or not we move on.  God designed it this way.  It’s not something we can just shake off and forget.

When we marry, we pledge to give every part of ourselves to our spouse.  And we trust him/her to do the same.  In our world today, this is frowned upon because it means we have to be completely vulnerable and put our hearts on the line.  This is the beautiful mystery of marriage.  When both partners do this to the best of their ability–being naked souls before one another, holding nothing back–there is an incredible, intimate union that forms.  And the more we pursue God and one another, the tighter the bond becomes.

I think most of us go into our marriages wanting this amazing union with our partner, but life gets in the way and we forget to be intentional with our time.  Our marriage gets put on the back burner, but this is counter to what God wants for our marriage and family.

Our spouse deserves our time and attention every single day–whether or not he/she has earned it.  We give it to them because we love him/her, and we’re devoted to making this marriage thrive.

There will be times when we don’t feel like giving our spouse our time and attention–

when we feel like we’re just roommates,

when we feel like he/she isn’t giving us what we want,

when we don’t feel attracted to our spouse anymore,

when the thought of talking with him/her is exhausting,

when it feels like we can’t do anything right,

when we wonder if the marriage was a mistake,

when we decide to stay together “just for the kids,”

when we aren’t sure if we can trust him/her anymore,

when we’ve fallen out of love with our spouse,

when we have a secret that we’re not sure we can ever share with our spouse, and

when we hate being married, but don’t know what to do about it.

These situations can be hurtful, confusing, and potentially devastating to our marriage, but they are not a reason to give up.

We must be willing to fight for our marriage.  It certainly takes both the husband and wife to make it work, but we must be willing to simply take the first step.

Do those things you enjoyed doing together when you were dating.

Go to that place you’ve always wanted to go together.

Go see a Christian marriage counselor to help you learn how to have a healthier relationship.

Attend a couple’s retreat to strengthen your marriage.

Surround yourself with couples whose marriages are strong.

Pray together every day, and ask God to soften your hearts towards one another. Increase the physical affection in your relationship, and make love often. Don’t hold back. Share what’s on your heart.  Be honest and open.  Don’t have secrets of any kind that you keep from one another.

Remember–as a husband and wife, you have vowed to be each other’s partner, lover, best friend, encourager, accountability, and person to lean on when the other is weak.  Marriage is a beautiful, lifelong partnership when we allow it to be, but we can’t give up when it gets hard.  We must press on.  Let’s not wonder how things could have been.

As far as my friend I referenced at the beginning of this blog, I’m happy to say the weekend trip was a turning point for her.  Although we did a lot of listening, as we should all do when a friend has something on his/her heart, my friends and I were also able to speak into her situation.

We certainly don’t have a perfect marriage, nor do we have all the answers, but we know who does. God doesn’t abandon us when we have marital problems.  He was right there for my friend when she needed Him most.  

My friend and her husband decided to fight for their marriage with God’s help, and that was seven years ago.  Today their marriage is better than ever.  I love seeing the smiles on their faces and great love and respect they have for one another.  I feel like I witnessed a marriage miracle, and my friend is so thankful that she refused to give up on her husband.

from Fighting For My Marriage

‘“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.” When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, for he taught with real authority—quite unlike their teachers of religious law.’ Matthew 7:24-29(NLT)

To survive the storms of life, a marriage needs to have the right foundation and the right boundaries. A healthy foundation should come from building a life on God’s word. Healthy boundaries can sometimes be difficult to define, but if we ignore them, we’re in for trouble. Just like crossing the double yellow line on a highway, we’ll eventually hurt ourselves and others. A marriage without boundaries is headed for a crash.

We encounter boundaries every single day of our lives: stop signs, red lights, medicine dosage, sports rules, work expectations, the Ten Commandments, and the list goes on and on.  Boundaries are a good thing because they help us to understand how to stay safe and healthy in different situations. There are boundaries – spoken and unspoken – for nearly every part of our lives…including our marriage.

I (Ashley) don’t know a whole lot about sports, but I do know that certain plays in a game aren’t “good” if the player goes out of bounds.  In baseball, your pitch isn’t considered good unless it is right over the plate.  In a football game, you can’t score a field goal unless the football goes directly through the uprights.  Staying within the boundary lines is extremely important in order for a team to score or better yet win the game.  It works the same way in our marriage.

As a couple, we must establish boundaries to protect the integrity of our marriage.  It is vital that we are on the same page when it comes to this.  Just like when we’re parenting our children, we must present a united front of established boundaries to those around us…spoken and unspoken.

Healthy boundaries must be in place to protect the marriage and position the marriage to be as strong as possible. So, what boundaries should we establish in our marriage?

To answer this question, we must contemplate which acts are considered “out of bounds” in marriage.  Here are five main boundaries that spouses should avoid to cultivate a strong marriage:



1.  Speaking negatively about our husband/wife to other people, including other family members

If we have a problem with one another, we need to address the problem directly.  Nothing good will come from us going to our friends and family about a problem that we really need to take up with our spouse.  This doesn’t mean that we can’t have people in our life that we can talk to about our marriage.  We just need to be careful with how we talk about our spouse and what we say about him/her to other people…especially family members.

We must understand that it is extremely hard for our flesh and blood to forget the negative things we have told them about our husband/wife.  Our parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, and uncles don’t need to know the details of every disagreement we have with our spouse.

Marriage is hard enough without extended family drama, so we certainly don’t need to add to the problem.  We must be mindful of our tone and words. Besides, it’s wrong to talk badly about anyone…especially our husband/wife.  Instead, let’s brag on one another!



2.  Allowing other people to speak negatively about our spouse

As husband and wife, we should be the first to protect each other’s reputations.  Yet, many times, we are the problem instead of the solution.  We should never allow our family, friends, or anyone for that matter to speak negatively about our spouse.  If we witness this, we can put a stop to it by kindly stating, “Please don’t talk about my husband/wife that way.” It’s as simple as that.

If the person we are talking to won’t oblige, then we kindly walk away.  We will set a precedent with our words and actions, and our spouse will appreciate knowing that we have his/her back.



3.  Keeping secrets from one another

Unless we are planning a surprise party for our spouse, we have no business keeping any secrets from him/her. When we keep secrets of any kind from each other, we limit the amount of intimacy we can experience with one another.

Consider each secret to be a brick that we are adding to a “wall of secrets” between us and our spouse.  Some bricks might be bigger than others, but all secrets are the building blocks of the wall.

There should be no barricade between husband and wife.  We must stay inside the same boundary lines, and the “wall of secrets” is certainly out of bounds.  There should be no SECRET money, friends, texts, emails, letters, jobs, purchases, phone calls, phones, social media exchanges, social media accounts, health issues, trips, outings, lunches, dinners, etc.

As husband and wife, we long to fully KNOW and BE KNOWN by one another.  This longing will not be fulfilled if we keep secrets.

4.  Flirting with anyone other than your own spouse

My husband and I have counseled numerous couples where one partner struggles with this.  It’s toxic, and there is no scenario where flirting with anyone other than your own spouse is okay.  Flirting is the gateway drug to adultery.  We can tell ourselves that we’re just being “friendly” or “playing around,” but honestly, flirting is just a selfish boost to our own ego and a HUGE step towards committing adultery. We can flirt by giving an overly complimentary word, sending a funny text, or exchanging sexually-charged flirtatious banter in a phone call.  No matter how we flirt, any flirtation outside the marriage only leads to a broken marriage.  If you struggle with this, go to your spouse and talk about it.  Your spouse is the only legitimate recipient of your romantic or flirtatious attentions. Never stop flirting with your spouse, and never start flirting with anybody else!

5.  Giving more attention to your technology than your partner

In this day and age, this is especially difficult.  I am a huge fan of technology, but I refuse to use it at the expense of my marriage and family.  When you are with your spouse, you need to give him/her our full attention.  Put down the phone, turn off the television, and get off the computer.  Your wife is more important.  Your husband is more interesting…I promise.  Don’t let these moments pass.  Life is too short.  We must invest more time and effort into our marriage than we do our social media.

6.  Speaking unkindly to or shouting at one another

Every married couple is going to disagree at some point, and we might argue at times.  It is good to go ahead and talk through a disagreement than to hold it inside and let it fester. However…and let me make this crystal clear…it is never okay to speak in a nasty tone, use harsh language, or scream and shout at each other.  This is being verbally abusive, and contrary to the age-old saying, words can hurt us.  

It’s hard to forget hateful things that are said to us.  We don’t have a license to give our spouse a tongue-lashing.  In fact, we made a promise to love our spouse through the good and the bad. Lashing out at each other is certainly not loving one another.  We must always do our best to approach a disagreement with our spouse as calmly and lovingly as possible.



7.  Physically hurting one another

This may seem like an obvious one to many, but my husband and I have counseled several couples where this boundary line has been crossed one time too many.  A husband and wife must NEVER slap, hit, grab, push, or pull each other in a physically harmful way.  It is never warranted and it is never okay!  This is physically abusive behavior.

As husband and wife, we should only exchange loving physical touch.  A loving touch is not a forceful one.  

Let’s always do our best to stay within the boundary lines of a healthy marriage. This process begins by building your marriage on the right foundation. Make the commitment that from this moment forward you’re going to follow God’s plan for your marriage and build your home on the foundation of His word. Storms in marriage are inevitable, but destruction is optional. Having the right foundation and the right boundaries is what makes all the difference.

from Fighting For My Marriage

‘This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin. If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts.’ 1 John 1:5-10(NLT)

One of the most popular TV movies in recent years was Lifetime’s The Client List, which chronicled the true story of a Texas wife and mom who started making income by working as a prostitute. Her double life was finally brought to light when the brothel was raided by police and her secrets were exposed. Her husband was disgusted and shocked, and she was eventually abandoned by everyone she loved.

You might think that kind of provocative storyline only happens on TV, but the Bible actually has a similar story, but with a much better ending! The Bible’s version is about a man named Hosea and a wife named Gomer. Hosea loved his wife unconditionally, and that was put to the test when she abandoned her husband and family to return to her old life of prostitution.

By the time Hosea found out, they’d had several children, and he wasn’t sure if any of them were biologically his. To make matters even worse, her crimes had landed her in prison, and based on the laws of the day, her next step was to be sold into slavery to repay her debts. Hosea had every earthly right to write her off and leave her to the fate she had created for herself, but God had a different plan. God wanted to use this whole situation to show the amazing grace and unimaginable love he has for us even in those moments when we are completely unworthy.

God moved Hosea’s heart toward forgiveness and compassion. Hosea went to that slave auction and took most his life’s savings to purchase back his wife. Based on the culture’s legal system, she now would have had no rights at all. He would have had all the power in the relationship, and he could have used it to punish her for the rest of her life. Knowing this, she bowed her head to him and called him, “Master.”

What happened next is one of the most beautiful displays of grace ever recorded. In essence, he looked at her and said, “Never call me your master. I am your husband.” 

He gave up his rights to punish, control, or humiliate her, and instead, he welcomed her home as his wife. This simple but powerful act of forgiveness shows us a beautiful picture of the unmerited grace and love God offers to us all.

I’m not sure how trust has been broken in your relationships, and I’m definitely not advocating that you give your loved ones a free pass to break your heart, because a healthy relationship must be built on trust, accountability, and mutual respect. My hope is simply that this story will open your mind and your heart a little wider to let more love and grace flow into your life.

If we deserved forgiveness, it wouldn’t be called grace. If we could earn it, it wouldn’t be real love. That type of radical forgiveness doesn’t seem humanly possible, but it is possible through the grace Christ has extended to each of us. Forgiveness sets you free and makes healing possible in the relationship. It’s been said, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies.”

Some couples get stuck in a cycle of grudges and mistrust, because they wrongly assume that forgiveness and trust are the same thing. It’s vital that we understand their distinctions. Forgiveness can’t be earned; it can only be given freely. That’s why it’s called grace. Trust, however, can’t be given freely; it can only be earned. 

When your spouse breaks your trust, you should give your forgiveness instantly, but give your trust slowly as it is earned through consistency of actions. During this period of rebuilding, fight the urge to punish or retaliate. Those actions won’t do anything to promote healing, and healing always needs to be our ultimate objective. Love, after all, is a healing force. 

You don’t have to trust someone in order to forgive, but you do have to forgive someone in order to make trust possible again. 

The process of rebuilding trust might be slow and it might be painful, but it’s worth it! Once you worked through your issues and reestablished trust, your relationship can actually become stronger and more vibrant than it ever was before.

from Fighting For My Marriage

‘Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.’ Romans 12:9-18(NLT)

We tend to think that all marriage problems stem from a big breach of trust or a massive tragedy. Sometimes they do, but many marriage problems can be caused by something completely different. Very often, the lack of love isn’t because of a one-time sin but a subtle, ongoing pattern of behavior leading to what I call a “cable-company marriage.” We know that probably sounds pretty random, so allow us to elaborate. 

Have you ever noticed how cable companies treat their customers with amazing care and attentiveness when they’re first trying to seal the deal, but once they’ve got you, the introductory rates are replaced with much more expensive rates and the customer service takes a nose dive, which makes you want to trade in your old cable company for a new one? The cable TV industry seems focused on a model of treating people really well at first but then taking them for granted in the long run.

Sadly, a lot of marriages operate this way too. In the beginning, when the couple is trying to win each other’s hearts, they roll out the red carpet! They give the very best of themselves, but it doesn’t last long. Once the day-to-day reality of life together sets in, they stop doing all those things they did in the beginning. They take each other for granted, and it isn’t long before they both start longing for something new where they’ll be treated well again.

It doesn’t have to be this way! Marriage should grow stronger with time. A couple should continue pursuing, encouraging, and adoring each other through all the seasons of the relationship.

If you find yourself in a cable-company marriage right now, don’t lose hope! Don’t throw away your relationship just to start anew with someone else and repeat the same cycle. Make a commitment to transform your marriage. Stop taking each other for granted. Your best days together can still be ahead of you and not behind you.

Wherever you are in your relationship, I believe you can grow stronger with time. Any relationship left on autopilot will slowly drift toward atrophy, but any relationship given consistent investments of time and focus will flourish until the end. I was reminded of this principle yesterday and was encouraged to know that there are still marriages that actually grow stronger with each passing year. 

One of the most effective ways to break out of a rut in your marriage is to selflessly serve. One of the last lessons Jesus taught his disciples on earth was to serve each other. He gave them a practical example of service by washing their feet, one after the other, following their final meal together.

When a couple chooses to serve each other and also chooses to serve others together, the marriage instantly improves. I watched a video recently about a couple named Francis and Lisa Chan who put this concept in practice in a beautiful and unique way. Francis Chan is a pastor and bestselling author. I’ve been an admirer of his work for a long time, but I was still blown away by what he did to celebrate his twentieth wedding anniversary. 

The Chans wanted to do something special to mark two decades of marriage. They looked into resorts around the globe, but then they decided to do something completely unconventional. Instead of going someplace where they could be served, they wanted to go someplace where they could serve others.

They bought two plane tickets to Africa and went to visit some missionaries they had been financially supporting. Francis and Lisa rolled up their sleeves and served food to hungry people, constructed shelters for homeless people, and worked alongside their missionary friends to free women who were trapped in a cycle of poverty and prostitution. 

The couple had tears in their eyes as they shared this experience. It became one of the most extraordinary experiences of their lives. They came home from their life-changing anniversary trip and decided to write a book together, putting their hearts on paper in You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity.

Every penny made from the sale of their book is being donated to the ministries in Africa where they served together for their twentieth anniversary. 

When you and your spouse reach the end of your time on earth, what will matter most will be the moments you served each other and the moments you served alongside each other. When we remove selfishness from our marriages, love will be all that remains. That’s the kind of love that can change your marriage and change the world through your marriage.

from Fighting For My Marriage
 

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:21-33(NLT)

When a couple promises to love each other “For better or for worse,” most will never have a “for worse” on the level of tragedy that our friends Jay and Mandra have experienced. Their story reminds us that a couple can endure any storm if they’ll trust in God and fight for their spouse and not against each other. 

Mandra had been out running errands, and Jay stayed home to watch their three young kids. Jay was playing in the backyard with his four-year-old daughter, Jayden, while also keeping an eye on their two-year-old and holding their baby boy. The baby’s diaper needed changing, so Jay asked Jayden if she wanted to stay and play in the backyard while he changed the diaper. She said, “yes,” so Jay and the younger two kids went into the house.

Jay returned to the backyard a few minutes later, but he didn’t see Jayden anywhere. He called her name a few times, but there was no answer. He thought that she might have walked into the house, so he went inside calling her name, but there was no answer. He started to get a little bit concerned. He went next door where she sometimes played with a neighbor, but they hadn’t seen her.

Jay paused to gather his thoughts, and in a moment of terror, he realized there was one place he hadn’t thought to look. He hadn’t considered it as a possibility, because Jayden was always so careful to stay away from it. She knew not to go near it without an adult, but maybe something had happened and she had fallen in. In the most terrifying moment of his life, Jay ran to the backyard while pleading with God. He stopped and held his breath as he peered over the edge of their swimming pool.

He was begging God that she wouldn’t be there as he looked through the autumn leaves that covered the surface of the water. The color left his face the moment he saw his daughter lying on the floor of the pool. He dove in and pulled her out. It was the darkest moment of his life.

The minutes that followed were a blur. There was CPR and frantic screams for help and police and ambulances. Finally, the chaos was replaced with an eerie stillness in a sterile waiting room. 

I (Dave) sat in that room and waited with them. It didn’t seem real. 

Together in that hospital waiting room, we prayed for the best and tried to brace ourselves for the worst. In a moment like that, many mothers would lash out in anger. Some would have expected Mandra to scream at Jay and blame him for this tragedy, but what she did instead was a picture of grace. With tears in her eyes, she summoned her strength to support her husband in his most fragile moment. 

She kept rubbing his back and whispering words of love and affirmation to him. She would softly say, “I love you so much. You are such a good dad. This isn’t your fault. This could have happened to anyone. God is going to carry us through this. No matter what happens, we’re going to face this together. I love you so much.”

They were living out their marriage vow to love “for better or for worse” in a powerful way. I knew that whatever news walked through that waiting room door, my friends would make it. They were determined to walk through this storm together. Their faith in God and their commitment to each other was unshakable.

A few minutes later, a doctor walked in with a chaplain standing beside him. The doctor began a well-rehearsed speech with an inevitably tragic ending. They had done everything they could do, but Jayden was gone.

The pain was overwhelming, and yet there was a peace in that waiting room that can’t be explained apart from the presence of God himself. The Prince of Peace was holding the parents of that precious little girl. He was giving them peace in their darkest moment. He was comforting them with the hope of knowing that he would never leave their side and their daughter was safe in the arms of her savior. 

It was a holy moment. It’s a moment we would never want to relive, and yet we are eternally thankful that we were able to be present to experience God’s peace in such a tangible way. Through our tears, we were reminded of the shortest verse in the Bible which simply says, “Jesus wept.”

We find so much comfort in knowing that our God is not distant from us in our times of pain and heartbreak. He’s not indifferent to our suffering. He is not emotionless. He is present with us in our pain, and his love has the power to carry us through the storm. 

The days that followed Jayden’s tragic passing were filled with tears but also filled with hope. Jay and Mandra cried many tears, but they also chose to thank God for the time they had been blessed with their daughter. They also thanked God that Jayden wasn’t truly gone. She was with Jesus, and they celebrated the fact that in Christ no goodbye is ever final. 

Jayden’s life on earth was short, but her impact was huge. We hosted a funeral at our church and another celebration of her life at her preschool. At both ceremonies, two of her favorite songs were sung. One was “Over the Rainbow,” and the other was a worship anthem called “Mighty to Save.”

Even in death, Jayden’s pure faith, joyful spirit, and unbridled love continue to touch hearts. Many people have come to faith in Christ as a direct result of Jayden’s childlike faith and legacy of love. She was on earth only four years, but her impact will be felt for eternity.

We pray you never have to experience the kind of tragedy Jay and Mandra experienced, but on some level, every marriage will experience loss. In those moments of heartbreak, you’ll find yourself standing at a critical crossroads. The choices you make in those moments will shape the future of your marriage.

One choice will lead you down a path of bitterness. You’ll be tempted to push your spouse away. You might even be tempted to push God away, because you blame him for the pain you are experiencing. The path of bitterness might feel liberating at first, but it will prove to be a trap in the end. Bitterness and love can’t live together in a marriage; each day you and your spouse must decide which one gets to stay.

The path of love is a road to healing. It’s a road where you choose to trust God even when you don’t understand what’s happening. It’s a road where you’ll be willing to use your own pain as a way to help others find healing, which will ultimately help you find healing in your heart and in your marriage.

This path of love and healing is the one Jay and Mandra chose to follow. They continue to celebrate Jayden’s life and legacy, and they share their own story as a way to give strength and hope to people all over the world. We are honored to call them our friends, and we hope that if we ever experience a similar tragedy, we would have the faith to respond the way they have responded.

We don’t believe it’s possible to have peace after a loss like Jay and Mandra’s without faith in God’s presence and provision. Jay and Mandra wisely understand that real peace isn’t the absence of tragedy, but the presence of a Savior who is bigger than your tragedy. Healing from a broken heart isn’t the result of mere time and effort. It comes when we put our trust in the Healer of our hearts. As the Apostle Paul writes in Galatians 6:2…”Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

You can get through any storm in your marriage if you’ll choose to face it with faith in God and complete partnership with your spouse. Love each other. Respect each other. Pray for each other. Face every struggle hand-in-hand and side-by-side. Carry each other’s burdens. You’ll get through this together, because God will be carrying you and He will never leave your side. 

from Fighting For My Marriage

‘Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.’ Genesis 2:18-25(NLT)

One of the first love lessons we learned in our marriage was the power of a “Naked Marriage.” You probably think we are just talking about sex right now, but there’s a lot more to it than that. The sexual aspect of your marriage should be a huge priority, but remember that true intimacy requires more than just what happens in the bedroom. In the Book of Genesis, we’re given the account of the first marriage. God created a couple that temporarily lived in an ideal setting with no debt, no crazy in-laws, no baggage, no stress, no fighting, and last but not least . . . no clothing!

“Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.” (Genesis 2:25)

When God painted this picture of a naked marriage, we believe he was revealing to us something more than just sexual intimacy; he was revealing the importance of having complete transparency, vulnerability, acceptance, and intimacy at every level of the relationship. I’m certainly not advocating that we all walk around nude all day (although I do think most marriages would benefit from more naked time!), but I am suggesting that we all need to become more intentional about reconnecting with that true intimacy that Adam and Eve got a taste of in the Garden of Eden.

Love, by its very nature, is honest, and this is especially important to the sacred bond of trust in marriage. When you’re not living in a naked marriage the way God intended, you’re opening yourself up to very dangerous temptations. Those temptations have led many down a dark path. Our friend Jesse is a dramatic example of this. 

Jesse had finally hit rock bottom. He found himself sitting at a computer screen late one evening while his wife was out of town to solicit anonymous sex. His porn habit had evolved into a full-blown addiction and ultimately had created a devastating pattern of depravity and self-destructive behavior. 

His life was out of control, and his marriage was in shambles. He was completely miserable, but he felt powerless to change the situation. As he sat in that dark room planning dark deeds, he caught a glimpse of his reflection from the computer screen and realized that he no longer recognized the man he had become. 

That night some light broke through the darkness, and Jesse finally realized that he needed to take immediate action to set things right. He called out to God for help, and he made a commitment to do everything in his power to break free from sexual sin and to rebuild his wife’s trust. He set out on a long journey to reclaim his honor and his family.

Several years have passed, and I’m happy to say that Jesse and Tricia are happier than they have ever been in their marriage. Jesse has an amazing wife, two beautiful sons, a successful career in the United States military, and many great adventures ahead. Today, as I’m writing these words, Jesse and his family are on a plane to Germany where they will spend the next three years. I spoke with him on the phone two days ago, and his voice was filled with excitement and anticipation as he talked and dreamed about the great days ahead. 

You might be reading all this and wondering how it’s possible for a marriage to be restored after that kind of behavior. It happened because of a tremendous amount of grace from God and from Jesse’s wife, Tricia. Grace alone was only part of the equation. This marriage was saved, because Jesse was willing to put some uncompromising boundaries in place. Those boundaries created a protected climate where trust could be rebuilt and healing could begin. 

He recognized that he had become powerless to fight the battles by will power alone, so he surrounded himself with people who could encourage him and keep him accountable. He started a support group for men who were wrestling with similar struggles, and that group provided an outlet for continued growth and healing. Together, those men talked, prayed, laughed, cried, studied the Bible, and found practical solutions to the issues that haunted them.

Jesse’s newfound boundaries also included putting a filter on his computer that tracked and documented every website that he visited and giving his wife complete access to that information. He also gave his wife full access to his phone, texts, voicemails, emails, and all of his communication devices. He then cut off all contact with certain “friends” and committed to never return to places that could put him in tempting or compromising situations. Those boundaries created a framework where his marriage could be rebuilt.

If your marriage seems like it’s stuck in a rut, one reason may be secrets that need to come out into the open. You’ll be amazed at the power of honesty and grace. Let truth and forgiveness flow freely in your marriage, and you’ll be able to get through any challenge that comes your way! 

from Fighting For My Marriage