Tag: Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage

‘O Lord , you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord . You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night— but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.’ Psalms 139:1-16(NLT)

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord . “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”’ Jeremiah 29:11-14(NLT)

My husband knows I get funny about my birthday. It’s not the getting older thing that spins me out, I just hate people feeling obligated to do something for me just because it’s my birthday. I know, weird, right? Anyway, this year he secretly approached all my friends and had them write a special note to me. He compiled them into a big pink folder, then underneath a droopy handmade banner, with tears in his eyes, he read them out to me. It was the present I didn’t know I needed. 

But he did. 

My husband knows me through and through. My pains, my dreams, and my delights.   

And yet, this is the same husband who a decade ago, made me feel so unwanted, rejected and unloved that I froze the bank account and called a divorce lawyer. This is the same man I railed at God for allowing me to marry. 

Porn nearly destroyed the best thing that has ever happened to me before it began. My husband is not the man I thought I married. He is so much more. When I think about the fact that God knew this and planned this from the beginning, I become overwhelmed with awe and gratitude. Even when I thought I had picked so badly; He knew I hadn’t. 

When everything seems hopeless, and you feel duped and lost and hurt, take comfort in the fact that you have a heavenly Father who formed you in your mother’s womb,  knows your words before they are on your lips, and has written and planned your days before a single one of them began.  This journey you find yourself on is not an accident. You are a precious part of God’s unfolding plan, and He loves you with an everlasting love. 

”For I know the plans I have for you”—this is the Lord’s declaration—“plans for your well-being, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

‘I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. So many enemies against one man— all of them trying to kill me. To them I’m just a broken-down wall or a tottering fence. They plan to topple me from my high position. They delight in telling lies about me. They praise me to my face but curse me in their hearts. Interlude Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge. Interlude’ Psalms 62:1-8(NLT)

‘“O storm-battered city, troubled and desolate! I will rebuild you with precious jewels and make your foundations from lapis lazuli.’ Isaiah 54:11(NLT)

Before moving to the United States, I had always wanted to go on a road trip like the ones in movies. So, six months after moving here, we packed up and set off in search of adventure. The journey did not disappoint. One bitterly cold morning in Colorado, the freeway was suddenly filled with what looked like thousands of cotton wool balls. To our right there was a sheer drop so we couldn’t drive around. We hit the dip filled with frozen hail at 80 miles an hour and began to spin. It wasn’t anything like the movies, everything didn’t happen in slow motion, but, somehow, we did a full three sixty and ended up facing in the right direction on the edge of the road at the exact moment an enormous eighteen-wheeler thundered past us. If we had stopped a couple of feet different in either direction and I would probably not be typing this today. Later that night, safely in our hotel room, we fell on our shaky knees and fervently thanked the Lord. Until that day I had never been one to think much about angels, but I know that we were divinely protected and kept in that narrow safe space solely by the hand of God. 

Getting into recovery for my husband’s porn addiction I experienced the same feeling of spinning precariously out of control, not knowing where we were going to land up. Any yet again, I sensed the hand of God holding me in a sweet spot of safety and protection.  He never allowed me to experience more than I could handle. He brought exactly the right people into my life at precisely the time I needed them. But most profoundly of all, He used my recent wounds as an entry point to go in and fix things inside of me that had been broken for a long time.

Looking back, I would never want to go through a near death or a near divorce experience again, nor would I wish them on anyone else, however, I can honestly say that both were a gift. Experience has taught me, and continues to teach me, that when everything in my world is spinning, there is One I can cling to. A mighty, loving Heavenly father who is in control of all weather, all parenting challenges, all addictions and all pandemics. 

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock where I seek refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. (Psalm 18:2)

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

‘If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if we don’t feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence. And we will receive from him whatever we ask because we obey him and do the things that please him. And this is his commandment: We must believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as he commanded us. Those who obey God’s commandments remain in fellowship with him, and he with them. And we know he lives in us because the Spirit he gave us lives in us.’ 1 John 3:17-24(NLT)

‘So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”’ John 13:34-35(NLT)

‘But Peter and the apostles replied, “We must obey God rather than any human authority. ‘ Acts of the Apostles 5:29(NLT)

‘Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.’ Galatians 1:10(NLT)

I love Instagram. It’s most satisfying to curate an image of my life that cuts out all the tantrums, and tears, and bad hair days. This is the effortless put-together life I want other people to assume just comes naturally to me. It’s the life I wish did come naturally to me. A life without misfortune, mistakes, and big painful areas of brokenness. 

Coming forward and admitting that porn was an issue in my marriage was one of the hardest things I have even done. But being determined to be a good loving wife, I plucked up courage, swallowed my pride, and reached out for advice.

Unfortunately for me, the counsel I was given was well-meaning but misinformed.  I was told that gentleness and grace, and more sex, would help my husband the most. So, after pushing my hurt and anger deep down inside, I became the best cheerleader I could. 

Yet, still nothing changed. 

In 1 John 3:18 we are reminded to not love in word or speech, but in action and in truth.

This was what I was missing. My words were having no effect because they weren’t matched by my actions. It didn’t matter how I built him up, for what he actually needed was for me to get really honest about what porn was doing to him, to me, and to our marriage, and set a clear boundary.  The most loving action I ever took was to draw that firm line in the sand, stating that I would not be turning a blind eye to his compulsive porn usage anymore.  

I know it’s scary to take this particular action in your marriage, especially when others you trust may advocate lovingly turning a blind eye to be the right course.  Proactive intervention is tough love. But to a man in captivity, it is exactly the kind of love he needs. 

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

‘The Lord replied, “I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest—everything will be fine for you.”’ Exodus 33:14(NLT)

‘I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.’ Psalms 16:8(NLT)

‘For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.’ 2 Timothy 1:7(NLT)

Like many other married guys in recovery, my husband definitely arrived in his therapist’s office with a female footprint on his back. Now eleven years sober from porn, my husband will be the first to admit that it was my action of drawing a firm line in the sand that provided him with a way of escape.  God spoke truth and life to him through me. 

In Genesis 2:18 we see the reason for the creation of Eve.

“It is not good for the man to be alone. 

I will make a helper suitable for him.” 

God created a helper for Adam who was suitable for him. Not just generically suitable, but uniquely suitable for him.  Let that sink in a minute. Even though you may feel very different from your husband, according to God you are perfect for him. Just being you, with your unique qualities and convictions, makes you his ideal team-mate. You are what he needs.  

Now I know this is a lot to swallow, especially if things feel far from perfect at the moment, but what your husband actually needs right now is someone who cares about him to be bold and brave enough to tell him the truth. 

Dear sister, do not be afraid of what you feel stirring inside you.  You are being prepared for God to use you in a mighty way to transform your marriage. You have been given this particular kingdom task not because you think you are up to the job, but because of what God knows is inside of you. Do not fear what lies ahead. You were created for a time such as this, and God will be with you every step of the way. 

“For the Lord your God is the one who will go with you; he will not leave you or abandon you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6-8)

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

‘“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”’ Matthew 19:4-6(NLT)

‘The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. God sent a man, John the Baptist, to tell about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. John himself was not the light; he was simply a witness to tell about the light. The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. ‘ John 1:5-10(NLT)

‘For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true. Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, ‘ Ephesians 5:8-14(NLT)

Looking back, I feel more than a little sad that I wasted so much time believing that my husband was able to keep his porn use in a little box, entirely separate from our relationship.  It wasn’t until we got into recovery that I began to understood the full extent to which porn was affecting our marriage.  

In Matthew 19:4 we are told that husband and wife become one flesh. Of course, my husband filling his mind with toxic porn was affecting all aspects of our relationship.  To expect otherwise was not only self-destructive, it was unbiblical. 

In the battle against porn, we wives really do need to pick up our swords and enter the fray. Not only because we have skin in the game, but because when “two become one” we are uniquely positioned to help our husbands.  When my husband was enslaved to a porn addiction, I was the only one who knew and cared that he was drowning in that particular sin. When he was unable to reach out for help, he needed me to throw him a lifeline. 

Don’t participate in the fruitless works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what is done by them in secret. (Ephesians 5:11-12)

By bringing your marriage to the foot of the cross and into the light, you invite Jesus—He who is in the Light—to cleanse, heal, and restore both of you. Recovery from porn addiction is about so much more than eliminating porn. It is about discovering your identity as much-loved children of God and experiencing a new profound level of trust and intimacy in your marriage. 

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

‘“Come, let us return to the Lord . He has torn us to pieces; now he will heal us. He has injured us; now he will bandage our wounds.’ Hosea 6:1(NLT)

‘Instead, let us test and examine our ways. Let us turn back to the Lord .’ Lamentations 3:40(NLT)

‘Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil; he will erase their memory from the earth. The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time. For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous; not one of them is broken! Calamity will surely destroy the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be punished. But the Lord will redeem those who serve him. No one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.’ Psalms 34:14-22(NLT)

I tried so hard and so long to fix the problem of porn in my marriage on my own. You name it, I tried it: being graceful, being hurt, being angry, even being more sexual. But nothing I did made any difference. I tried every piece of advice I was told, except the one that mattered. 

Thankfully, in 1 Corinthians 6:18 we are given clear guidance on how to handle issues of sexual immorality.

“Flee sexual immorality! Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the person who is sexually immoral sins against his own body.”

God created us as sexual beings and knows under what circumstances we will thrive and flourish. He also knows what will happen to us, and those around us, when we stray outside his boundaries and pursue our own desires without limits. The boundaries that God has placed around our sexual behavior are not there to punish us but to protect us. The sooner you can get the porn out of your marriage, the sooner God can restore your husband back to his right mind, and restore the level of trust and intimacy in your relationship.

I get tremendously excited by the fact there are now over forty-five neurological studies that prove what the Word of God has been telling us all along. According to neuroscientists, watching porn literally hijacks the brain—creating addictive pathways, blocking pleasure receptors, and impairing the pre-frontal cortex. In a nutshell, porn use makes you increasingly dissatisfied, dumb, and depressed. The wages of sin are indeed death here on earth too.  

As a precious child of a good and loving God who knows and desires what is best for your marriage, rest in the knowledge that you don’t have to figure this out on our own. Flee from sexual immorality by drawing a firm line in the sand. And remember, asking your husband to stop watching porn is not you enforcing your will on him, it’s drawing you both back under the wing of your heavenly Father.  

He will cover you with his feathers;

you will take refuge under his wings.

His faithfulness will be a protective shield. (Psalm 91:4)

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney

‘Every word of God proves true. He is a shield to all who come to him for protection.’ Proverbs 30:5(NLT)

‘I have tried hard to find you— don’t let me wander from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.’ Psalms 119:10-11(NLT)

‘Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path. I’ve promised it once, and I’ll promise it again: I will obey your righteous regulations. I have suffered much, O Lord ; restore my life again as you promised. Lord , accept my offering of praise, and teach me your regulations. My life constantly hangs in the balance, but I will not stop obeying your instructions. The wicked have set their traps for me, but I will not turn from your commandments. Your laws are my treasure; they are my heart’s delight. I am determined to keep your decrees to the very end.’ Psalms 119:105-112(NLT)

As a wife whose marriage was taken to the brink of divorce because of my husband’s pornography addiction, I am often upset by the magazines at the supermarket check-out line. Every time I read a headline that suggests that the way to improve a relationship is to learn to how to have sex like a porn star, I am tempted to whip out my sharpie and graffiti on them. The statement that porn is beneficial to relationships is so egregiously false, that if I wasn’t so mad at the lies all around us, I would probably burst into tears.   In a society where no one even sees porn use as problematic, it can feel futile to even attempt to get it out of your marriage. 

But that’s when I remember how clearly the Bible instructs us to close our ears to the spirit of this age. We are told not to conform to the pattern of this world where a life of sexual immorality is seen as life-enhancing. 

Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God. (Romans 12:2)

Thankfully, we have another sweet voice to listen to. The voice of our Heavenly Father who loves us with an everlasting love, and has placed clear boundaries around sex for our own protection.

For this is God’s will, your sanctification: that you keep away from sexual immorality,  that each of you knows how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not with lustful passions, like the Gentiles, who don’t know God. (1 Thess. 4:3–5)

Living this side of heaven, it’s going to be hard, not to mention lonely, to stand firm and stick to culturally unpopular principles, but do not despair. Remember, you are fighting to keep your marriage in line with Word of God, not the latest issue of Cosmo. The Word of God, wedged deep in your heart, not your own strength, will enable you to keep standing. 

Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. (Matthew 7:24)

from Fighting for Love in a Porn Affected Marriage by Rosie Makinney