Tag: Fierce Marriage

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

The incredible truth is that you don’t fight for your marriage as much as Christ uses your marriage to fight for you. You don’t pursue your spouse’s heart as much as Christ uses your spouse to pursue your heart. And you don’t prize your spouse’s affection with nearly the same ferocity with which Christ prizes yours. 

Every refining moment in your marriage is a reminder of God’s relentless, unwavering commitment to draw you near and conform you to the image of Jesus Christ. Those moments are reminders to find all you need in Jesus and anchor your identity in him—to trust the sufficiency of what he has done instead of what you can do. That’s the most exciting aspect of marriage! It’s not about you. It’s all about Jesus. 

You might be asking, why should you fight for a stronger marriage? What’s to be had on the far side of your marriage covenant—both here and now as well as when you’re dead and gone? 

We often ask ourselves those same questions. Especially when our marriage gets difficult. When we’re entangled in the weeds of daily life, it’s easy to lose sight of the grand storyline we occupy, the chief Protagonist, and our place in the plot. We must continually bend our sight upward to be reminded where we are, who we are, and of the Author penning the script. But by God’s grace we know his divine intent—and we know how the story ends! We know with certainty the answer to the eternal question of why: to sanctify God’s people and reconcile Christ’s Bride to him. 

We don’t, however, know what will happen between now and then. And we don’t always know how he plans to accomplish his divine ends. Your marriage is undoubtedly a primary tool in God’s work to draw you and your spouse close to him. But the reason for marriage doesn’t end there. God’s purposes for marriage extend outward to the rest of the world. 

We aren’t called to simply love each other fully and end our mission there. Let’s explore our callings and live to see Christ change our world through the work he does in our marriages! 

How do you see Christ fighting for your marriage? How does it make you feel to know that Christ is fighting for your marriage? 

from Fierce Marriage by Ryan And Selena Frederick

‘“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord . “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.’ Isaiah 55:8-9(NLT)

‘But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!’ Galatians 5:22-23(NLT)

As people who follow Jesus, you’re adopted into the grace and love—the family—of God. You are his dearly loved and cherished children. Knowing and being known by God bear real fruit in your lives in the forms of love, joy, peace, and so much more (Galatians 5:22–23). These benefits are your birthright as adopted children of God. But God doesn’t stop there. 

Just as you’re adopted into the family of God, you’re commissioned to participate in his divine handiwork. You are Christ’s hands and feet in your community and, by extension of the global body of believers, the world.

With this grander perspective we see the full magnitude of marriage finally taking form. You are called to a high calling of loving God and loving people, and your marriage is an avenue to sanctify you personally and to strengthen the action of the church globally. 

How much more profound can the meaning of marriage be? Embracing the high calling of your marriage will anchor you in the never-ending and utterly meaningful purposes of God. Suddenly every struggle, every victory, and every mundane moment takes on new, profound meaning. Ministering through your marriage is an inevitable outcome of a loving covenant anchored in Christ. 

Marriage is astoundingly allegorical. Everything about it points to the loving courtship between God and his people through the person and work of Jesus. We’ve come from perfection in the garden and we’ll be made perfect again when united with Christ as his Bride. Until then, the sanctifying hand of God is hard at work preparing us for eternity, and covenant marriage is perhaps the tool he wields most. 

Can you see it? Marriage is so much bigger than you! Thank God for that. Its purpose is far grander than just your love for each other. The covenant love your marriage embodies is a neon sign pointing us to the covenant promises of our powerful, loving, eternal God. Marriage is and always has been all about Jesus. A fierce marriage is all about God’s endless love for you, his careful molding of your heart, and his unquenchable passion to reach the lost. 

In what areas do you see God using your marriage to advance his kingdom? 

from Fierce Marriage by Ryan And Selena Frederick

‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8(NLT)

No human relationship will test our understanding of love more than marriage. If you’re like us, you’ve fought to love each other in your marriage but have often fallen short. Where is the disconnect? If “love never fails,” why does it . . . fail? 

The deepest disagreements you will experience as a married couple always have to do with your objective view of love and the expectations that come along with it. This materialized early on in our marriage whenever we’d argue about quality time. Selena needs quality time to feel loved. I don’t need it as much, and I’d often work late into the evening thinking that I was actively loving her by providing. Selena felt utterly unloved if I was absent. I felt unloved if my work went unappreciated. 

In other words, our own views of love are subjective. We need an external standard. Only then do we realize that the imperfect moments in marriage are our most potent opportunities to love fully. 

The Apostle Paul was compelled to describe love because the church in Corinth was missing the mark completely. They were so steeped in culture that they had forgotten what it meant to love one another in light of the gospel. They needed to hit the reset button and relearn “the more excellent way.” 

We, too, need reminders. We forget what it truly means to love if we place too much weight on our culture’s definition. When affection and feelings wane, does it mean we are falling out of love? If we’re struggling in our sex life, is the passion gone and love lost forever? If I’m deeply wronged, am I justified to cut the ties and run? If my spouse is less than I’d hoped, can I just leave? 

Paul’s list of love’s attributes is daunting, and if we take it seriously we may doubt our ability to ever meet love’s demands. If that’s you, take a deep breath and relax. You don’t have to be perfect. God is faithfully at work on your heart, teaching you how to love more completely—how to be patient, kind, humble, considerate, selfless, and so much more. We will never love our spouses perfectly on this side of eternity, but God also never stops showing us how. 

Identify one or two areas where your marriage is “thirsty” and in need of more love.

from Fierce Marriage by Ryan And Selena Frederick

‘Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. ‘ James 1:17(NLT)

What difference does it make to realize that your marriage has eternal purpose? First, every happy and enjoyable moment in your life together is amplified in light of God’s never-ending goodness and grace. Every good thing is infinitely better when the glory goes to God, and the same is certainly true of marriage! 

Also, so much of life can feel like a daily grind. For every marriage mountaintop, there are dozens of valleys and hundreds of miles of meandering trail in the foothills. The gospel is the compass that keeps our marriage on a steady course through the most monotonous lulls and the trickiest traverses. 

Selena and I have said it many times: if it wasn’t for Jesus, we would have been divorced years ago. Why would we say that? Because at times giving up would have been so easy—or so we felt. 

Without the call to covenant, we could never have worked through communication issues that seemed to last forever. Even more than the strength to endure difficulty, the gospel affords us unmatched joy while doing so! How? Because our hope is eternal and this story we’re part of is not about us. It’s about Jesus. Every aspect of your marriage is designed by God for his eternal glory and your ultimate joy. Through the gospel—the good news that Christ saves—your marriage has infinite power and purpose because it points to an infinite, powerful God. 

Every time you love your spouse when it’s hard, you reflect the unrelenting love of God in Christ. Every time you uphold your covenant despite wanting to give up, you mirror God’s unfailing promise to redeem his people. And every time you enjoy oneness and unity in intimacy, you foreshadow the unity and oneness that God’s people—the Bride—will experience with Jesus—the Bridegroom—in heaven. 

That is why we’ll continue to sound the trumpet of the gospel for marriage. Only in the gospel do you have purpose beyond now, beyond you, and beyond measure. In Christ alone, by grace alone, and through faith alone, you have access to the infinite goodness of the eternal God both in this life and the next. Everything about marriage points to the gospel, and by God’s grace your marriage can do the same. 

When have you seen the difference it makes for a marriage to have eternal purpose? What difference could it make to see your marriage this way? In light of the gospel, what are one or two purposes your marriage serves?

from Fierce Marriage by Ryan And Selena Frederick

‘I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.’ Hosea 2:19(NLT)

‘(But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.) ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:15(NLT)

‘But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.’ Matthew 5:32(NLT)

‘And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”’ Matthew 19:9(NLT)

‘“For I hate divorce!” says the Lord , the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty, ” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”’ Malachi 2:16(NLT)

Building a fierce marriage begins with understanding the higher purpose of covenant, which is an over-arching theme of the Bible. The entire Bible is an account of God’s pursuit of and love for us through the person and work of Jesus Christ. Every book, chapter, and verse adds texture to the story unfolding between God and his people—between Jesus and his Bride. 

We serve a God who has always operated through covenant promises. It’s his chosen method for relating to his people. Love compelled God to make his covenants, and the same love compels him to keep them. Of the many covenants throughout Scripture, some are conditional: “If you do that, then I will do this.” But some of the covenants are unconditional: “I will do this regardless of what you do.” The gospel is the news that God kept his covenant with his people regardless of what they did—his promise to send a Savior was an unconditional one. 

So what kind of covenant is marriage? Simply put, it’s conditional. There are two grounds for divorce given in Scripture: sexual immorality (Matthew 5:32; 19:9) and abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15). In either case, the conditional covenant is considered broken and the believer is permitted to seek divorce. 

That being said, God hates divorce and it’s never the ideal (Malachi 2:16)—repentance and reconciliation are the ideal. Aside from the two exceptions provided in Scripture, the marriage covenant is meant to be permanent and unwavering—unconditional in every other way—because through it, we more vividly experience the unconditional love, grace, and forgiveness of God. 

Covenants are a major way that God establishes his sovereignty, displays his everlasting love, and draws his beloved— his people—into deeper relationship with him. From Eden to eternity, every covenant is a pivot point in the story of redemption for God’s people in Christ.

Your marriage covenant is as important to God as his own covenants with his beloved people. He cares about your marriage because he cares about you! The marriage covenant is not an arbitrary framework invented to make your life harder. It is God’s design for human flourishing and a tool he uses to mold you and your spouse into images of Christ. 

How does the idea that God designed marriage to be a reflection of a covenant with his people change how you view your marriage? What freedoms exist within covenant?

from Fierce Marriage by Ryan And Selena Frederick

‘By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. ‘ 2 Peter 1:3(NLT)

It’’s easy, in our culture, to idealize marriage. This is especially true for younger generations who have grown up seeing reality through the lens of social media. Authenticity is applauded and sharing your real life is celebrated—just as long as it’s not too authentic or too real. 

I (Ryan) once counseled a couple who met on a popular photo-sharing app. Months into their marriage he was already looking to run—completely panicked. “She’s crazy!” he told me. But he wasn’t innocent; she had complaints of her own. “He’s untrustworthy and prideful!” she insisted. Neither person turned out to be who the other expected them to be. Their individual selfishness created chaos in every area of their marriage. 

I think this couple was expecting a share-worthy marriage but what they got was a little too real—a little too authentic. I could only reply, “What exactly did you expect worse to look like?” 

It’s uncanny how many couples we meet who are shocked when they experience true difficulty in their marriage for the first time. I’m not talking about bickering about which direction the toilet paper should unroll or how to correctly squeeze the toothpaste. I’m talking about rubber-meets-the-road difficulty—the kind where both spouses wonder what they got themselves into and how they can get out. I’m talking about the kind of difficulty where sin looks like sin: unattractive, destructive, and dark. 

The gospel revolutionizes marriage because in it, Jesus lovingly calls us to admit that we’re sinners who desperately need his help. Jesus is God’s love made flesh, but his love always goes hand-in-hand with calling would-be disciples to repentance. Calling us to repent is the most loving thing God can do. Anything less is an incomplete gospel and is idealistic, false, and bound to disappoint. 

A husband and wife in a gospel-centered marriage never expect each other to be perfect. Instead, they fully expect to fall short and always trust that Jesus is more than enough to meet their every need (2 Peter 1:3). They also expect to experience repentance regularly from both sides of the equation. That’s the beauty of grace-fueled sanctification within the safety of covenant marriage—both spouses see their imperfection while valuing repentance as the character-refining work of the Holy Spirit. 

What expectations did you have about marriage that turned out to be unrealistic? If a gospel-centered marriage doesn’t expect perfection, what expectations can you have for your marriage, your spouse, and yourself?

from Fierce Marriage by Ryan And Selena Frederick

‘“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. ‘ John 15:5(NLT)

Growing up in a port city, I (Ryan) often sat with my dad and watched as massive cargo ships came and went from the bay. The ships were so heavy they had to shut off their engines more than a mile out just to slow down to a manageable speed prior to docking. It was the captain’s job to aim their bow to get within tugboat range. 

Marriage is like a cargo ship. It’s massive, packed with value, and more powerful than we could ever comprehend. And like a ship without a rudder, a marriage without the gospel will careen out of control. It’s only through Christ that we are able to understand unconditional love, feel the full weight and joy of covenant, and experience firsthand the radical grace and forgiveness necessary for loving one another until death. 

We have yet to meet anyone who feels like they’ve got this whole love thing on lockdown. Everyone doubts. Everyone feels inadequate to some degree. You know why? Because we are! You, me, everybody. We all have gaps in our ability to give and receive love. On our own, we’re all missing something. 

Of course, entire industries exist around the idea of love—defining it, finding it, expressing it, feeling it, and understanding it. It makes sense, when you think about it. We’ll try anything if it promises to bring us closer to true love and authentically connecting with another person. Dress right, eat right, act right, speak right, impress the right person, and then you’ll have love—you’ll be loved. 

The problem is that nothing works. At least not forever. 

Just like taking pills for pain, our effort helps us feel better for a short time, but the sickness remains. We have this nuisance of our own humanity and that of others. We must face—and defeat—the problem of sin if we’re ever going to experience true love. We need a deeper cure than anything we can find in this world. We need to be healed from the inside out. Everything else is a distraction. We’ve been taking painkillers but what we desperately need are the hands of a skilled heart surgeon. 

In other words, we need Jesus. 

How have you tried to improve your marriage in the past?  How long did the improvements last? Why do you think that is? 

from Fierce Marriage by Ryan And Selena Frederick