Tag: Encouragement For Bonus Moms

‘The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”’ Exodus 14:14(NLT)

by Danielle Novotny

Recently, one of my friends said something that really struck deep with me. She said that as a stepmom, you need to realize you’re stepping into the line of fire.

Many times over the last few years, I have felt just that. I have been the target, and I have been pulled in different directions. There were times when I was asked to fill many different roles and was asked to help in various conflicts that have occurred. I have found myself frustrated with the times I have given my advice, and it fell on deaf ears. There have been so many things that have just worn me down: the court battles, the tears, the bickering, etc.—it’s exhausting.

However, I hold on to the little wins throughout the years.: when my stepdaughter tells me, she loves me or when she is comfortable enough to ask for advice or just randomly hugs me. When her mom thanks me for something or when my husband tells me he appreciates me. Even when my biological daughter stops what she’s doing to tell me she loves me or thanks me for being her mom. I hold on to those moments, and I force myself to remember that God has this. We need only to be still, and he will fight our battles. He can mend hearts. Our God CAN work miracles.

So Mamas, when you’re in those storms and just seem to be barely making it—remember how much God loves you and how much he wants your family to win. He does see you. He wants good things for you. Lean into Him and find rest. Take time this week and recognize just how good of a job you’re doing and let God fight your battles. You are loved, and you matter so much. Keep doing good.

QUESTION TO PONDER: Talk to God about the good things that have happened in your family lately. Ask Him to help you find the good in your life more often and for the grace to let Him work all things out for good in your life. Write down anything that comes to your mind as you pray.

WHAT’S NEXT: Write John 15:5 on your bathroom mirror. Ask God to help you remember that He wants you to stay close to Him and depend on Him for everything you need. He will help you, Mama! You are never alone!

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‘But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things. I, the Lord , have spoken!’ Jeremiah 9:24(NLT)

by Karolyn Dicken

I would bet that my husband and I daily receive approximately 17 random “I love you’s” from our youngest child. He will literally be playing by himself in his room and yell out, “I love you!” From the restroom, “I love you!”. Twenty minutes after, I’m convinced he’s fallen asleep, “I love you!” It’s one of his most endearing qualities. 

I was thinking about this characteristic the other day and how sweet and meaningful the spontaneous affirmation is. It made me think about my relationship with the Lord—how I’d love to be the kind of daughter that randomly, consistently, and frequently shouted out, “I love you!” to my Heavenly Father as I moved throughout my day. However, this isn’t who I am – yet. I tend to get bogged down by my endless to-do lists, juggling full-time work, and intentional parenting and trying to be the best that I can but often struggling with where I’ve inevitably fallen short. 

Since becoming a parent to my bonus son over eight years ago (and adding a couple more biological ones along the way), my interactions with the Lord hadn’t had the depth, consistency, or fervor that I had when I was single with fewer responsibilities. I’ve often allowed this to be what deterred me from spending time with Him. I realize how much I’ve allowed these excuses to hinder my growth in becoming more like Jesus, and I’m committed to changing those old habits. Even if it’s *only* ten minutes, I’m going to be in the Word. Also, if it’s *only* worship music while I’m busy driving, I’m going to soak it up. Even if it’s *only* a random, “I love you,” I’m going to pour it out to Him. Because even more than I love when my children come to me with their hearts and spontaneous affection, He loves and delights when we go to Him with ours. 

QUESTION TO PONDER What excuses have you allowed to get in your way in your relationship with Jesus? What characteristics do you see in your children that remind you of our God? 

WHAT’S NEXT  Write down some affirmations or scriptures that you find encouraging and post them in visible places around your home this week. 

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‘The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him.’ Nahum 1:7(NLT)

by Danielle Novotny

I am sitting down after the end of a long, hard day trying to find words to encourage other stepmoms, foster moms, biological moms, etc. Today was rough.

We all have days when we struggle to function or get through the days by counting the temper tantrums in a screaming toddler or the difficult attitude in a child, etc.. You know the days I’m talking about, right? Just days that run you down spiritually, mentally, and sometimes physically.

So what happens when our kids have difficult days? Are we available to them to listen or to just hold them tight and remind them how much they are loved? What about when our husbands are run down? Are we supporting our husbands in listening to them and allowing them to have a safe place to come to without judgment? Maybe everyone takes out their emotions on you when they are having a tough day, and you’re left feeling confused and hurt. Mom life isn’t so glamorous all the time. However, I remind myself as I feel broken down and frazzled today that I was the one that my daughter came to because she was having a really hard time with something. I was also the one my husband vented to when he was dealing with a trial of his own. When I began to realize the patterns of the day, I realized I must be doing an okay job if I am comforting others on their bad days too.

Then I thought about God. How many times does He pick us up and hold us and calm us in our crazy, emotional storms? For me, ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I’m too stubborn to let Him help, and then I realize He is going to help anyway, and frankly, I need the help. No matter how many times I try to do it all on my own, God is there.

QUESTIONS TO PONDER What do you need to hand over to God today? Are you struggling with letting him help you? Are you struggling with being there emotionally for your kids or your husband? What areas do you need to give to God? What do you need to thank God for today?

WHAT’S NEXT Find 3 things to jot down in a notebook to thank God for. What have you seen Him do in your family lately?

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‘I will teach all your children, and they will enjoy great peace.’ Isaiah 54:13(NLT)

by Karolyn Dicken

I don’t know what it is about three day weekends, but they make me feel like I have all the time in the world to get things done. That is, until about 6 pm on Monday when I panic regarding all the necessary tasks I let go by the wayside in pursuit of my lofty goals. 

Last weekend was no different for me. Monday afternoon, I found myself updating my kids’ baby books, something I haven’t looked at in years. I finally took the time to put together the pictures I’d compiled for our oldest—my bonus son. For years, I’ve had pictures organized by his age before I was a part of his life. As I put them in the album, I started reminiscing. I looked at his sneaky smile as he cruised along in his walker. I noticed his soft curls as he sat on his Memaw’s counter, eager to help. I saw the look of joy as he rode with his uncle on a tractor for the first time. 

I was captivated by his innocence, youth, and joy. We’ve been so challenged by him lately. Granted, he is 13. But, we’ve also just recently started more of a 50/50 schedule with his biological mom, which is going pretty well—it’s just so different than the eight years we had him full-time. It’s an adjustment for all of us. Because of this schedule, I find myself getting stuck in the in-between. I’m wrestling with what is and isn’t worth a battle. I worry about if what we’re doing is enough or too much. I’m wondering if we’ve dropped the ball. You know, all the lies that can easily sneak into our minds as moms, particularly moms that don’t have a daily, consistent influence on their children. 

However, looking at those pictures renewed my energy to engage despite the frustration, push-back, and disappointment. Sometimes, it’s so easy to forget that the children you’re struggling with are the ones you were so excited about when they first came home or when you first found out you were expecting. We forget that they were full of the giggles and excitement and curiosity that little kids are made of. It was so sweet to be reminded of that anticipation and joy I had over becoming one of his parents almost ten years ago. I love the truth that “every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17). But how often do I forget that?

QUESTION TO PONDER How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant or first expecting a foster placement, adoption, or stepchild? How has that perception changed throughout the years? How can we be praying for you and your children?

WHAT’S NEXT Go back through some pictures, a photo album, or memories on social media to remind yourself about the positive!

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‘Then I heard the Lord asking, “Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?” I said, “Here I am. Send me.”’ Isaiah 6:8(NLT)

by Danielle Novotny

We are called into this position of motherhood for a reason. God entrusted us with these kids. Often I look at my daughters and think about how God chose me to be their mom/stepmom. Woah. It can feel overwhelming at times as I think about my role in these girls’ lives.

I am reminded of Isaiah 6:8 when I am doubting myself and letting fear take over, “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!'” I am reminded of Isaiah’s courage when faced with a daunting task. How much could we learn from Isaiah by applying this courage to our roles as mothers and wives?

Being a mom can be utterly terrifying. So many questions fill my head as I lay in bed at night. Sometimes I have days when I think I am so underqualified for this position! Then I remind myself that I need to find the courage to face these roles head-on and say: “Here I am!” God knew I was the right person for my daughter and stepdaughter. Now I have to have the faith that I can help them grow to be Godly and powerful women. Women that can face their hurdles with the courage of Isaiah, facing trials with unwavering faith and perseverance. “She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear or the future” (Proverbs 31:25).

QUESTION TO PONDER What verses have you found that have encouraged you in your journey through motherhood? 

WHAT’S NEXT Find ways to show your children how you love them and care for them. Lift them up this week and write them a little note about what you love about them and leave it somewhere for them to find.

from Encouragement For Bonus Moms

‘But God did listen! He paid attention to my prayer.’ Psalms 66:19(NLT)

by Karolyn Dicken

A few weeks ago, our oldest (my bonus son) looked at me and said, “Mom, I know you have a lot going on and you’re taking care of a lot of different things, but I just don’t feel like you really listen to me.”

Wow. Talk about a punch in the gut! His comment really struck me because I knew it was true—sometimes, I do have a hard time listening to him. I’m a talker, but his daily word count even puts me to shame! And so much of what he talks about I really don’t understand; video games, for example. However, here we are, with a thirteen-year-old son desperate to talk and connect with us, and I’m choosing to feel inconvenienced or bothered by that? How selfish of me! 

So for the past several weeks, I’ve chosen to really connect and truly listen. To make eye contact when he speaks. To turn towards him. To set my phone aside—even purposefully leaving it in a separate room, so I don’t get drawn in. I’ve asked questions related to what he’s talking about, even though sometimes I’m sure I sound completely ignorant! I’ve purposefully done this with our younger two as well. I’ve heard it said that we need to listen when they’re talking because even though it seems like small stuff, it’s the big stuff to them. And we always want them comfortable sharing any of the stuff that’s going on in their lives.

More than that, if I want to reflect our Creator, isn’t He intent on choosing to listen to us? About our trivial fears, our large concerns, our worries, our celebrations. He cares. He listens. He engages. He pursues and responds. I want my children to know and trust that about Jesus, so I’m trying to become more like Him. In Psalm 66:19 we learn that God attends to the voice of our prayers, that He is present, listens to, and gives care and attention to our voice. I want to do that more consistently with my children. 

QUESTION TO PONDER In what areas has the Lord been nudging you to become more like Him?

WHAT’S NEXT Prioritize connection this week. Work on making eye contact when your kids (and your husband) are talking to you. 

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‘Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.’ Ephesians 4:29(NLT)

by Danielle Novotny

Today’s devotion is geared towards all the moms who are dealing with split homes: bonus moms and biological moms alike! I have some questions for you: What have you done to accept the other parents’ involvement in your kiddos’ lives? Have you done something you’re not proud of towards the other parents? What can you do to have a positive impact in your blended family life?

Let’s take a minute to talk about a sticky subject in split homes: Competition. 

Why do we compete? I have talked to so many moms (bonus and biological) about this subject. Most share the sentiment, “Why is it always a competition for our children’s love?”

Let’s stop competing and putting the kids in the middle of a loyalty war—it’s uncomfortable for everyone. Children need to be able to love ALL of the parents involved. Make it a point to talk positively about the other parent. Children should never know about any issues you’re facing behind the scenes—it’s not their burden to carry.

I was a stepchild growing up; I had two homes. I am now a stepmom and a biological mom. We have 50/50 custody of both girls. I know what it feels like as a child growing up in that environment, and so I can understand the impact our children have from living in two homes. As a mom or a stepmom, what impact do you want to have? Are you teaching them how to love, and are you encouraging them to love others? 

What can you do this week to show appreciation to ALL of the parents involved in your kids’ lives? Put your differences aside for ONE week. Send a quick text or send them a card in the mail and tell them something they’re doing right. Next, tell your children what you appreciate about the other parent(s) involved. You have no idea how much these children love you all. Let’s be intentional in our interactions,  regardless of how the other person is acting.

Have grace for the other mom (biological or stepmom). Acknowledge them. Encourage them. Be kind. Remember, you are all their parents. Your child(ren) love you. Give them the space to do just that. You are making an impact.

QUESTION TO PONDER Have you tried to compete with the other parents involved in your situation? 

WHAT’S NEXT Write down 3-5 things that you enjoy about the other parents involved in your kids’ lives. 

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‘God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! Interlude A river brings joy to the city of our God, the sacred home of the Most High. God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed. From the very break of day, God will protect it. The nations are in chaos, and their kingdoms crumble! God’s voice thunders, and the earth melts! The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress. Interlude Come, see the glorious works of the Lord : See how he brings destruction upon the world. He causes wars to end throughout the earth. He breaks the bow and snaps the spear; he burns the shields with fire. “Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress. Interlude’ Psalms 46:1-11(NLT)

by Karolyn Dicken

In this broken and messy world, God knew.

God knew that we’d be raising these stepkids, our “bonus children,” and prepared us to be able to invest in their lives. Whether it’s for a season while you’re fostering, the rollercoaster amidst the pursuit of adoption, or the back-and-forth of a blended family, God knows.

When I was engaged to be married, I was admittedly even more excited about the idea of becoming a stepmom than a wife. Being a teacher with a background in Special Education, I understood children. I really thought I could parent better than I could “wife.”

As life would have it, parenting my ‘bonus’ son has proven to be the most rewarding, humbling, and difficult challenges I’ve ever been a part of. But, God knows. He knows that my attempts to parent my son well, keeps me in pursuit of Him—the only source of constant peace amongst the chaos, confusion, and mess.

God knows—He knows my desire to be a kind and gentle mother to him and our two other children. God knows how desperately I fail time and time again. And, yet, there He is. Waiting. Encouraging. Leading. Guiding. Forgiving. Restoring.

In my attempts to do more, I’m often reminded of Psalm 46:10a, “Be still, and know that I am God.” God is our help and will give us the grace, wisdom, and knowledge to pour into these children in this season—whether that’s days, months, or years.

Sometimes, though, it might just be that we need to be still and trust that He is God so that He can continue to work on their—and our—behalf. Friend, rest in the Lord and His great love for you and your family today. You can trust Him to take care of you and work in ways you never thought possible. God is faithful and will help you. 

QUESTION TO PONDER In what areas do you need to be still and allow the Lord to work on your behalf?

WHAT’S NEXT Call a friend and pray together over a situation where you’re having a hard time trusting the Lord.  If she doesn’t answer, go to your journal and write it all out! 

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‘Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.’ Philippians 2:2-5(NLT)

by Deb Weakly

Mothers are important; we mold the hearts and minds of the next generation. This is true of not only birth and adoptive moms, but also ‘Bonus Moms’ (stepmoms, foster moms, and caregivers in any capacity). 

My parents divorced when I was young, and my dad remarried. My Dad had full custody of me, so I lived with him and my stepmom full-time. These short years became one of the most difficult seasons of my life. My parent’s recent divorce had left me feeling wounded and broken. Furthermore, my stepmom didn’t want me, so I never felt loved and accepted living in her home. They divorced a short time later, and I felt relieved.

After their divorce, my dad dated a delightful woman named Sharon. Though they never married and were only together for a short time, I will always remember Sharon for the way she loved me like a daughter and taught me much about life. She helped me learn all about how to apply cosmetics, and she even hosted my friends for sleepovers. Sharon was a delightful cook and loved to decorate. She was a beautiful example of a sweet mother-figure who chose to invest her life into a defeated young girl. 

My dad later married a kind woman named Jean. My children know Jean as Nanny, and she loved them like her own grandchildren. Jean was just what I needed as an adult stepchild. She loved my dad well and took care of him until the end of his life. I will always be thankful for my sweet stepmom, Jean.

As a stepmom, you have the God-given potential to make an enormous difference in the lives of your stepchildren. I fervently believe this is a ministry given to you by God to show His love to your potentially wounded stepchildren.

I don’t know your situation: The children’s mom may be fantastic, and if so they are blessed. On the other hand, the birth mom might be as mine—a broken woman who struggled to be the mom I needed because of her deep wounds that resulted from the divorce with my dad. She was also an alcoholic and later remarried a horribly abusive man. My poor mom then had big issues because of my stepdad. I couldn’t see her or stay with her because of him. This all left me feeling like an orphan from the time I was ten years old. 

Sadly, at the age of 20, I became truly motherless when my mom died. As you can imagine, I felt lost and alone. Looking back, I see God’s goodness because He gave me my stepmom, Jean, and my mother-in-law, Joan, who both became sweet mother figures to me. They helped me feel loved and not so alone. They both were there for me in the day-to-day issues of life and also the big events that would have been heart-breaking to go through without a mom: my graduation from college, our wedding, and the birth of each child. I needed a mom during these seasons and I am so thankful the Lord gave me Jean and Joan and also other godly mentors along the way. 

My dear friend, if you are reading this devotional, then it probably means you are a ‘Bonus Mom’ of some kind: a stepmom, foster, or any other type of mom. Please, please, please don’t ever underestimate the power of your ministry to your bonus children. You will never replace their mom, but you can be a positive role model and someone who is always there for them to show them the love of Jesus. Sweet Mom, your mothering matters. Never give up on your calling or your bonus kids. The Lord is with you and will help you to love them like Jesus and hang in there when the times get tough. You and God can do this!! He will help you!

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