Tag: Communication In Marriage

‘Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.’ Proverbs 16:24(NLT)

Communicating well during conflict also means never to “fight below the belt.” Fighting below the belt includes anything that would be considered hurtful to the other person’s emotional and psychological center. 

It may come through name calling, demeaning words, speaking with the intent to hurt concerning the other person’s family, threatening divorce, swearing, or bringing up the other person’s weaknesses or failures.

These types of direction in a couples’ communication should never take place. If they do, the conversation needs to come to an end until a healthy style of communication can be applied. Proverbs 16:24 reminds us, “Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.”

A lack of healthy communication during conflict can kill the affection and intimacy in a marriage by removing the safe environment needed for honesty and vulnerability. Harsh words lead to immediate thoughts such as, How dare she say that? or How dare he say that? Spiteful words force couples to take sides. 

Remember, you are ultimately on the same side. When you practice healthy communication during conflict, you will create an atmosphere for greater intimacy and love to flourish. 

from Communication In Marriage by Heather Hair

‘The greatest among you must be a servant. ‘ Matthew 23:11(NLT)

Communication During Conflict

Along with a healthy, romantic love, married couples should also make an effort to learn how to properly communicate during conflict. Every relationship of ongoing contact will experience conflict of some kind. That’s a given. How we handle that conflict greatly affects the intimacy, or vulnerability, we offer each other following it. Thus, inept conflict skills can distance relationships creating more friction and resentment.

No one comes out of the womb ready and able to handle conflict perfectly. Communicating well during conflict is a learned trait. Why? We are naturally selfish. 

A healthy style of conflict management comes when we learn to elevate the other person to a higher level than our own, and vice versa. It takes practice and a willingness to concede. 

It also takes an emotional maturity level that filters actions through a grid of grace. Far too often, spouses function in the formal operational mode and, as a result, act out of the concrete judgment determinations. In that mode, thoughts and emotions remain on immediate and visual stimuli. When a married couple hasn’t matured beyond this level of interaction, it can lead to conflict. 

For example, when the wife sees that the dishes are still on the table hours after her husband’s breakfast, she may become angry. She sees dirty dishes and immediately equates them with laziness and apathy on his part. Afterall, she notices that he has plenty of energy to wash his car for the second time that week. She might even begin to feel offended that her husband would expect her to clear them. 

What she does not see is the depth of her own expectations clashing with those of her husband. Expectations come from a variety of sources: family, peers, television, etc. Nor does she recognize this as an opportunity to develop spiritual maturity by cultivating the virtues of service and grace. It is also an opportunity for her to practice communication skills with him in a way that is rooted in love.

Yet if she chooses instead to leave the dishes on the table while complaining instead, this will give occasion for his frustrations  to rise with her as well. He may later erupt in anger. Or she may clear them all the while grumbling, or perhaps simply noting his apparent offense and saving it for ammunition later.

No one enjoys feeling like a servant, particularly to a spouse. But Christ reminds us in the book of Matthew that, “The greatest among you will be your servant.” Cultivating a spiritual mindset about conflict is the first step to communicating rightly in scenarios of marital conflict. It removes the emotional attachment to unhealthy desires and leaves space for the couple to talk about the root that may be causing the conflict, rather than the fruit.

from Communication In Marriage by Heather Hair

‘You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace.’ Song of Songs 4:9(NLT)

The key to any good marriage is communication. 

Marriage requires communicating about when we are happy, sad, disappointed, excited, as well as a myriad of other emotions. Two key areas that can be adversely affected by a lack of attention, or by past sins, are romantic communication and communication during conflict.

 Romantic Communication

Romantic communication is essential in cultivating a healthy and vital marriage relationship. During the dating stage, much energy is devoted to this kind of love (eros – romantic love.) However, if a couple marries on the foundation of an intimacy that may include several past partners or that may be rooted in physical contact alone, new external stresses and demands override the surface level and competing feelings of eros within each partner. Then when children are added, time demands that come from parenting may also limit what remaining resources were available for developing eros. 

When a marriage relationship lacks healthy romantic communication, it is important to revisit this area in a way that both supports and honors each partner.

Remember, romance involves capturing the attention of the other and not demanding it. Song of Solomon 4:9 states it this way in the New Living Translation, 

“You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace.”

If you have found romance to be dwindling in your relationship, seek to communicate in ways other than words. Seek to communicate through non-verbal methods such that will capture your partner’s focus and heart. Communication doesn’t always have to mean a sit-down conversation. Oftentimes it involves a smile, wink, act of service, attractive outfit or any flirtatious manner you choose to interact with your spouse. Just because you are married doesn’t mean the flirting has come to an end. Relight the flame and enjoy each other completely. 

from Communication In Marriage by Heather Hair