Tag: Closer Connection

‘For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”’ Mark 10:45(NLT)

Introduction

Believe it or not, this is the last session of this study. But there’s one more thing that’s vital to know if you want to take communication in your marriage to the next level.

Once we know our spouse’s communication dynamic and train ourselves to really listen, we can discovery a life-altering truth: communication is not about us.

Tension

Remember our definition of effective communication from earlier in the study: when the receiver responds as intended.

Why is that definition so easy to understand but hard to achieve? How do you make sure effective communication happens? 

Truth

Focus on your spouse, not on yourself. That’s the definition of servant communication.

God has placed you in a union where you can learn what it’s like to have a servant’s heart every day. Through your marriage, you can see how God is working in you, growing you.

Application

Marriage isn’t difficult. 

That probably sounds incorrect considering how difficult we often make marriage. But if we stop making marriage about ourselves, it becomes as simple as performing small acts of service every day.

Over time, those small acts create connection. They draw us closer to our spouse.

Remember:

• You cannot NOT communicate.
• Everyone communicates differently.
• Everyone has their own way of communicating. It is not right or wrong; it’s just them.

Bottom Line

Servant communication is not about you.

from Closer Connection

‘Unfriendly people care only about themselves; they lash out at common sense. Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.’ Proverbs 18:1-2(NLT)

Introduction

Perhaps the biggest obstacle to effective communication is our inability to listen.

This session, we’ll learn a technique that can help anyone to learn how to listen . . . really listen.

Tension

Were you ever taught how to listen? Most of us weren’t. It’s said that most people listen not to understand, but to answer.

Truth

A well-stated problem is 90 percent solved. If we listen more and understand truly what’s wrong, the problem is almost solved.

We want to solve things quickly, so we rush toward an answer as soon as someone begins to give us information. But sometimes the answer is to listen . . . and understand.

Application

Remember LURE:

Listen

• Stay focused on your spouse.
• Remove distractions (television, phone, etc.)
• Don’t develop solutions.
• Focus on emotions, importance, assumptions, and unclear thoughts.
• Ask questions for clarity, to show interest, and to demonstrate concern.

Understand

• Paraphrase your spouse’s comments.
• Frequently check for understanding.
• Ask short clarifying questions; clear up assumptions.
• Allow your spouse to continue without interruption.

Repeat

• If your spouse doesn’t agree that you paraphrased their comments correctly, return to the Listen step.
• If your spouse agrees with your paraphrase, move to the next step.

Experience

• Experience a stress-free conversation.
• You may now begin to resolve the issue, if necessary.

This is difficult to do every day, all of the time. But you don’t need to do that. LURE is best used when conversations are intense.

When stress is escalating, LURE:

1. Slows things down.
2. Allows your spouse to process through their filters and then verify they understand what you’re communicating.

Bottom Line

Most people do not listen to understand, but rather to answer.

from Closer Connection

‘Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ‘ James 1:19(NLT)

Introduction

Understanding the differences in our communication dynamics is the first step in easing communication tensions in marriage.

Now that we understand ourselves and how we like to communicate, it’s time to look at where we aren’t communicating well with our spouse.

Tension

If our relationship with our spouse is the most intimate of our lives, why is it sometimes so difficult to understand and be understood?

Truth

If we heed James’s warning and slow down, we can pay attention to where our spouse is coming from. We can help them to help us communicate more effectively.

Opposition creates stress. If we only focus on our own communication dynamic, we create stress for our spouse and ourselves. 

If your spouse’s communication dynamic is different than your own, he or she probably won’t react to your attempts to communicate in ways that you’d predict or maybe even desire. 

Is that wrong? No. It’s just different than you.

Application

How do you deal with your differences?

1. Know your spouse’s communication dynamic.
2. Learn to speak their dynamic.

Bottom Line

You can speak your spouse’s language . . . once you know it.

from Closer Connection

‘Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.’ Psalms 139:14(NLT)

Introduction

God created each of us to be unique—and that includes the dynamic of how we communicate.

How different are you and your spouse? For many couples, opposites really do attract. For others, you’re a lot alike. But no matter your specific situation, you’re different from your spouse in key ways.

Tension

Last session, we said that you and your spouse were created differently by God for His purposes. But if God created us uniquely, how do we discover our uniqueness?

Truth

Why do we get upset when our spouses don’t give us back what we want from a conversation? We’re all tempted to try to make our spouse more like ourselves. But that’s not God’s plan for marriage.

Application

Communication isn’t one size fits all.

We each have preferred ways of giving and receiving information. Knowing what you and your spouse’s preferences are could be a game changer. 

We each have all four communication dynamics. But all of the things that influence our communication—people, events, how we grew up—determine which dynamics are strong and weak for each of us.

Bottom Line

Everyone has a preferred way to communicate. It’s not right or wrong. It’s just who they are.

from Closer Connection

‘But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it had only one part! Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. ‘ 1 Corinthians 12:18-20(NLT)

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘ Jeremiah 29:11(NLT)

Introduction

Listening is vital to effective communication, but being a good listener may be trickier than you think.

We tend to think of communication as talking, but it’s not that simple. We connect with each other in many ways. Communication happens whenever contact is made—verbal or non-verbal.

Tension

The problem is that the complexities of communication—especially non-verbal communication—can lead to misunderstandings. This is compounded by the fact partners in a marriage are unique individuals who often see and interpret things differently. 

Truth

We are created differently by God.

As a couple, your differences fit together for God’s purposes. But you have to resist the temptation to try to make your spouse like you. Instead, try to understand how God made them.

Words, tone of voice, and body language affect a listener’s understanding— whether you’re communicating in person, on the phone, or by text or email. 

Application

Filters also affect how effectively we communicate. We each have filters that affect how we understand a message. 

• The WIIFM (What’s In It For Me?) filter
• The MMFI (Make Me Feel Important) filter

Chances are, your spouse wants to know he or she is more important to you than whatever it is you’re talking or disagreeing about.

False Filters

People and experiences in our past also create personal filters—and many of those personal filters are untrue. 

For example, if you grew up feeling like you were never good enough, you’re more likely to read others’ words, tone of voice, and body language as belittling or distrusting. That may not be what the other person is trying to communicate at all, but you are conditioned to interpret it that way—especially during conflict.

It’s important to take the time to do the work necessary to replace your false filters with God’s truth.

Bottom Line

Everyone communicates differently.

from Closer Connection