Tag: Choosing Marriage: 7 Choices For Healthy Relationships

‘Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.’ Ephesians 3:17-19(NLT)

Many people believe they have fallen in love, only to realize that their “love” is based on need—a need to be wanted, a need to be valued, a need to be affirmed. A need to be taken care of, to be nurtured, or to be kept safe. “Need love” drives you toward someone out of desperation, insecurities, and fear. It fools an empty person into thinking this relationship can somehow fill them up. But in the end, fulfillment never comes. In the end, their desperate need causes them to feel more and more depleted, and alone. 

Too many people get into marriage hoping it will complete them, only to be gravely disappointed in the end. Because while marriage can certainly add so much to your life, it will never be able to fill you up. You can only feel as complete in marriage as you do while standing alone. 

We’re all needy in some way. We long for approval, we desire affirmation, and we often aim to please others even at the expense of our values and beliefs. It’s a constant struggle to make sure we’re living for an “audience of one” (God), rather than living to simply please those around us. Part of this is the natural struggle of being human and being created for relationships. We’re all needy in some way, because we’re ultimately in need of a Savior. A Savior who can bind up our wounds, speak value and worth into our lives, and fill us to overflowing with His love. Marriage can’t fill us to overflowing, only Jesus can. 

When Christ’s love fills you to the measure of all the fullness of God, your fullness begins to overflow in the lives of those around you. There is no greater joy than giving and receiving love out of our overflow, rather than trying to give love out of our scarcity. Going into marriage with a full heart gives us the opportunity to experience the ecstasy of real love. How full are you feeling today?

Question for Reflection: Have I allowed the knowledge and understanding of God’s love to “fill me up”? On a scale of 1-10, how full do I feel emotionally? Spiritually? Relationally? 

Today’s Prayer: Jesus, I want to be filled to overflowing. I want to know and experience the fullness of Your love for me in a way that impacts how I love others. Fill me up. Pour Your love over me today. Amen.

from Choosing Marriage: 7 Choices For Healthy Relationships by Debra K. Fileta

‘for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.’ 1 Corinthians 6:20(NLT)

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about sex is that people assume if they wait to have it until marriage, there is a guarantee that their sex life will be magical. We’re taught that virginity is the key to a fulfilling sex life come the wedding night. So we start believing that if we save ourselves for marriage, our wedding night will be filled with hours and hours of amazing sex. We imagine all the stars aligning in that perfect moment, our bodies naturally taking over, knowing exactly what to do. But when the moment comes, it’s never how we thought it would be. 

I hear from so many couples whose wedding night was filled with frustration, fears, and the shedding of a few tears. More concerning to me, are the couples I meet who find themselves disappointed in God because they saved sex for marriage only to have a frustrating experience. It’s as though God didn’t hold up His end of the bargain. 

But the problem with this entire belief system is that it’s rooted in a false claim. We don’t wait so that we can have an evening of ecstasy on our honeymoon night (because trust me, that’s rarely the case). We wait because through the process of waiting, our relationship is built, our trust is strengthened, and our commitment to each other is tried, tested, and refined. We wait because through the process of waiting we learn discipline, self-control, loyalty, and reverence for the sacred. 

We wait because it’s an act of worship and obedience to a God who knows exactly how we’re wired, what we need, and what is best for our lives. Our waiting is an act of trusting, and trusting God always leads us to greater things. 

We wait, not because of what it will do for us, but because of what it will do within us. You can’t establish a good sex life until you’ve first established good character. Achieving a good sex life is a process of becoming a better person as much as it is about becoming a better lover. And becoming a better person is always the best place to begin. 

Question for Reflection: Are there any aspects of my life or bad habits that I need to get rid of (pornography, toxic relationships, inappropriate romance novels, lustful thoughts, etc.) in order to move toward good character?

Today’s Prayer: Jesus, open my eyes to the habits and behaviors I’ve allowed into my life that are having a negative impact on my character. I commit to honoring You with every part of my body. Amen.

from Choosing Marriage: 7 Choices For Healthy Relationships by Debra K. Fileta

‘Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, ‘ Ephesians 5:11-13(NLT)

‘But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ‘ 1 John 1:9(NLT)

‘Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. ‘ James 5:16(NLT)

We live in a world in which everyone is out to present their “picture-perfect” self through the rose-colored lens of social media. Our Pinterest-perfect lives, our elegant meals, and our happiest moments. But I’m afraid we’ve become so accustomed to showing our highlight reel to the world around us that we’ve lost the ability to open up about what’s going on behind the scenes. It’s one thing to know about our brokenness, but it’s a whole other thing to learn to share our brokenness with the people we love and trust the most. 

Our secret sins and struggles can come in so many different forms. Maybe they don’t appear in blatant form, like an addiction to pornography or alcohol, but maybe they come more subtly, in the form of our addiction to criticism or judgment. Maybe they sneak into our lives in the form of too much spending, or gossip, or envy. In a way that no one else could see them, but us. 

What are the secret sins, struggles, and battles that we are currently facing? What are the battles we fight in our own spirits and souls? What are our signature sins, the sins we could write our name on because we struggle with them so often? For us to face the darkness within, we must start by calling it out and acknowledging it. We must give it a name, and bring it into the light. Scripture and psychology both agree that in order for there to be healing, our darkness needs to be brought into the light. We must recognize and reveal the darkness in order to replace it with light. Because if left in secret, our struggles become strongholds. 

The one and only way we move our souls from darkness to light is by confessing our sins to Jesus. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Confessing our sins to the Lord is the only thing that can move us from the darkness to the light, but confessing our sins to others is what keeps us in the light(James 5:16). There is power in choosing authenticity in our closest relationships, and most importantly, in our marriages. 

We’re all broken people, but marriage is an invitation to share in that brokenness. May God give us the strength to be real. 

Question for Reflection: Is there an area of sin or struggle in my life or marriage that I am hiding in the darkness? 

Today’s Prayer: Jesus, You alone know the darkness inside of my heart. Give me the strength to confess, expose, and bring my struggles into the light. I want to be healed by Your grace. Amen.

from Choosing Marriage: 7 Choices For Healthy Relationships by Debra K. Fileta

‘It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:6-7(NLT)

Anything of value is worth protecting. 

And marriage is certainly something of value. I can guarantee you with 100 percent certainty that if you’re reading this today, you are either struggling in your own marriage, or you know someone who is. And adding the word Christian in front of the word marriage doesn’t make you—or anyone else—less susceptible to the struggles you’ll face and the “intruders” you’ll battle. 

Every marriage needs boundaries—limits that keep the bad things out, and the good things in. You’ve got to be deliberate about protecting it. In 1 Corinthians 13:7, we read that one attribute of love is protection: “[Love] always protects.” Love doesn’t simply stay safe on its own, you have to learn to protect it. The problem is that people end up putting boundaries into place after something problematic happens in their relationship rather than before. But boundaries are most protective before temptation comes up. 

In assessing the boundaries in your relationship, there are three important areas to consider: your emotions—who you’re sharing them with and how often; your interactions—who you’re spending time with and why; and your time—where it’s being spent and how much? It’s not enough to wish for a healthy marriage, you’ve got to take the steps to make it happen. Maybe that means logging off social media and choosing a meaningful conversation instead. Maybe it means enriching our emotional expressions toward our spouse. Maybe it means applying greater caution in our interactions with the opposite sex. 

Whatever it means, we need to take the time to draw a circle of protection around our closest relationships, by acknowledging the areas of our lives that need boundaries, and then determining to make those boundaries a reality. 

Everything of value is worth protecting. And the gift of marriage is one of the most valuable things that will ever be entrusted to you. 

Question for Reflection: Which areas of my life do I need to draw a “circle of boundaries” around to protect my closest relationships? 

Today’s Prayer: Jesus, help me to see my role in protecting the love You’ve given me. Give me the courage to set boundaries and limits around my closest relationships. Amen.

from Choosing Marriage: 7 Choices For Healthy Relationships by Debra K. Fileta

‘Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. ‘ Ephesians 4:2(NLT)

‘Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.’ Proverbs 13:10(NLT)

“He’s such a narcissist.”

You’ve probably heard the term narcissist used to describe someone lately. It’s a word that’s come up more and more frequently in recent days. It’s a term that originates from Greek mythology, referring to the story of a young man named Narcissus, who was so handsome that he fell in love with himself. But in the end, his self-absorption caused him to believe he was too good for anyone, and so he ended up living lonely and isolated all the days of his life. 

You may not know this, but this Greek tale influenced an official mental diagnosis which is currently called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It’s only diagnosed in a tiny percentage of the general population, but it refers to people who have traits such as an ongoing sense of entitlement, an exaggerated self-appraisal, a pervasive self-centeredness, and a lack of empathy and interest in others. 

I don’t know about you, but in reading that list one thing becomes clear: we all carry a little bit of Narcissus inside of us, we just call him by another name: pride. God’s word refers to pride over 60 times in Scripture. And often, it’s followed by terrible things such as devastation, death, and destruction. Pride is also the number one thing that impacts our relationships because “where there is strife, there is pride” (Proverbs 13:13). The two will always go hand in hand. 

In order for us to combat pride, we have to alter our ego and choose humility. We’ve got to learn to let go of the polished picture we have of ourselves and instead see ourselves for who we really are: sinners in desperate need of grace. Because it’s so much easier to see the flaws of others and all the while completely miss our own. For a relationship to have any hope of thriving, we need to learn to let go of our pride in exchange for something greater—humility. 

Question for Reflection: What is a recent example of how pride has impacted my ability to love well? 

Today’s Prayer: Jesus, fill me with humility. Give me eyes to see myself as I really am: a sinner saved by Your powerful grace. Amen.

from Choosing Marriage: 7 Choices For Healthy Relationships by Debra K. Fileta

‘In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall.’ Psalms 18:29(NLT)

We all come to relationships with walls—barriers we’ve constructed that need to be broken or taken down. We’ve built walls to protect ourselves, to defend ourselves, and to keep from getting hurt. We use them to keep people at a distance, or even keep them out. We all have walls, we just don’t always recognize them. You might be reading this and wondering, What are my walls? Do I even have them? The answer is yes. 

Walls come in different forms, shapes, and sizes, but they always impact our closest relationships and the way we interact with the world around us. Maybe we’ve erected a wall of isolation by choosing to keep to ourselves instead of engaging with those we love. Maybe we’ve created a wall of denial by refusing to acknowledge our role and responsibility in a conflict. Or the wall of withdrawal, when we pull away and avoid rather than confront. Maybe it’s a wall of fantasy—an escape from reality instead of learning to deal with it in a healthy way. Maybe you’re hiding behind a wall of invalidation and it’s easier to criticize and dismiss than it is to encourage and build up. Or maybe it’s a wall of rage—a use of anger and negative behaviors to keep people at bay. 

There are so many walls that we can build in life, in relationships, and in marriage. Walls that keep our relationships stagnant and our hearts distant. And the only way to break down these walls is to recognize them and begin to take them down one brick at a time using the tool of vulnerability: the invitation to let people in. There is so much power in using our words, our actions, and our interactions as opportunities to tear down walls we’ve erected and to begin connecting with the people around us. But in order to start taking down our walls, we have to recognize them. And in order to recognize them, we have to look for them. Because with the power and strength of our loving God at work within us, we can truly scale any wall. 

Question for Reflection: What “walls” have I built up in my life that have a negative impact on my personal relationships?

Today’s Prayer: Jesus, open my eyes to the walls I may have erected that keep me from loving others the way You call me to love. Amen.

from Choosing Marriage: 7 Choices For Healthy Relationships by Debra K. Fileta

‘Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:4(NLT)

We all have an idea of what marriage will be like. We have hopes, dreams, and expectations for how it will look. We watch movies, read books, idolize TV shows, and observe marriages around us to get a glimpse of this thing called holy matrimony. But we don’t really know until we’re there, do we? 

Some say marriage teaches you more about selflessness than you ever wanted to know. I have come to realize that’s true. I mean, I knew I had the ability to be selfish, but I didn’t know I was truly selfish until I became a wife. People often talk freely about the concept of “two becoming one,” but do we ever consider these things: One house? One bed? One bathroom? One mirror above one bathroom sink? One bank account? One budget? One remote control? All those ones leave a whole lot of room for selfishness when divided between two people. In marriage, you relearn the very preschool lesson of sharing in a very non-preschool kind of way. 

You spend your entire life as a single person with only one person to think about: yourself. You get to decide what you’ll eat, what you’ll wear, where you’ll go, how you’ll spend your money, and exactly what you want to do with your time and energy. But suddenly, you’re faced with someone who brings to your life a whole new set of desires, needs, habits, quirks, opinions and ideas. And only selflessness can bridge the gap, transforming your differences into your greatest assets. As you’re seeking to apply selflessness to your life and marriage today, consider this simple, yet profound formula: We > Me. Because we before me is where it always has to begin. 

Question for Reflection: What is one way I can show selflessness in my closest relationships today? Do I understand the difference between selflessness and passivity? 

Today’s Prayer: Jesus, it’s easy to live a self-absorbed life. Give me the strength to look to the interests of others in all I say and do today. Amen.

from Choosing Marriage: 7 Choices For Healthy Relationships by Debra K. Fileta