Tag: Challenges Of A Millennial Marriage

‘Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.’ Hebrews 13:4(NLT)

‘“You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye—even your good eye—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your hand—even your stronger hand#5:30 Greek your right hand.—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.’ Matthew 5:27-30(NLT)

‘In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.’ 1 Peter 3:7(NLT)

‘Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. ‘ Colossians 3:1-2(NLT)

Devotional Content:

I don’t hear the word purity used very often, especially when it comes to marriage. We can use it a lot before marriage as we talk about premarital sex. We ask, “Do we keep our relationship pure before marriage or not?” Yet, in marriage, the word has lost its impact.

I think purity is just as important—if not more important—in marriage than before, and I think culture backs me up. You can search for the statistics, but the consensus is that around 50 percent of women and 70 percent of men will at some point cheat on their spouse. Every time I see those figures it saddens me. There are a lot of reasons given for infidelity, but easy accessibility through technology is a big one. There are also more women in the workplace, and the stigma of having an affair does not seem to have the effect it once did. Yet, as a counselor, one of the deepest hurts I see comes from infidelity.

Let’s define purity in marriage. Simply put, purity means I keep my eyes only on my spouse. I don’t look lustfully at someone of the opposite sex. I don’t flirt. I don’t have meals alone with someone of the opposite sex. I don’t travel for business alone with someone of the opposite sex. I don’t look at porn. I keep my sexual thoughts on my spouse only. As a couple, we work on our sexual relationship. We talk about what we like and don’t like. We make sex a priority and seek to meet each other’s needs. We are unselfish. We pray every day that our sexual desire would be for our spouse alone. In sports, we say that a good offense is the best defense. That is definitely true in sex. The better your sex life is in marriage, the less attractive something or someone else will be.

A couple of final thoughts. You will be tempted, but temptation is not a sin. Don’t forget that Jesus was tempted. Every person is vulnerable. Anytime you think you are not, you take the first step toward a fall. You have the power of the Creator of everything in you. He wants so much for you to stay pure in your marriage, and He will do anything and everything you allow Him to do to keep your marriage pure. Just let Him in!

Today’s Challenge:

Share with each other your areas of vulnerability as related to purity. Decide what steps you will take to protect the purity of your marriage. If you need outside counsel, get it. Your marriage may depend on it.

Going Deeper:

Take a time-out to spend time looking honestly at your relationship. Pray and ask God to help you see if there are any red flags in your relationship. Remember that red flags have to be dealt with and that ending a relationship now is easier, and less hurtful, than a marriage ending in divorce.

from Challenges Of A Millennial Marriage

‘As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.’ Proverbs 27:17(NLT)

‘Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.’ Proverbs 13:20(NLT)

‘Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.’ Philippians 4:9(NLT)

‘As for you, Titus, promote the kind of living that reflects wholesome teaching. Teach the older men to exercise self-control, to be worthy of respect, and to live wisely. They must have sound faith and be filled with love and patience. Similarly, teach the older women to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander others or be heavy drinkers. Instead, they should teach others what is good. These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God.’ Titus 2:1-5(NLT)

‘Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”’ John 8:31-32(NLT)

Devotional Content:

As we entered into the millennial era in 1980, 61 percent of children were born into a home where their parents were together in their first marriage. Twenty-five-plus years later, that number is now less that 46 percent.* Many of you as married millennials did not grow up in a home with both of your biological parents present. Some grew up in single parent homes. Some grew up with stepparents in their lives. It is not uncommon at a millennial wedding to have four or more sets of parents present. Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying that there were not good role models for you. I’m saying that it was just different than what the boomers and the silent generation experienced. God’s original design was for marriage to last and for a child growing up in a home to have two parents serving as good role models. Your family of origin is where you learned about how to be a man or a woman, a husband or a wife, and a dad or a mom. That was the ideal; but unfortunately, half of you did not experience a home with both of your parents staying together.

I still believe good role models are there. There are those who have worked hard to live the lives and have the marriages God designed for them. You just may need to put out more effort to find them. Where do you look?

Start with your parents and stepparents. Ask them about what they did well, what they would change, and the things that helped them grow in their marriage(s). Remember, someone does not have to have a perfect marriage to be able to help you. In fact, I have learned from many people as they have shared their mistakes and the things they would do differently if they could have a second chance. There is a lot of wisdom to be found in someone who is willing to be transparent and honest.

With your spouse, look for couples at your church who are at least a stage ahead of you in their marriage—couples who are not perfect but who are working hard to have the marriage that God has for them. Observe them. Take them to lunch. Ask them if they would be willing to mentor you for a season. This could literally change the direction of your marriage.

One more thing. There is the truth that if you believe something to be true—even if it is a lie—you will live your life as though it were true. Ask God to reveal to you and your spouse the lies you have believed about marriage and to replace them with His truth.

God has a plan for your marriage. You are both unique. There will never be another you. That means that your marriage is also unique and there will never be another marriage like yours. That was God’s design. As you seek Him, He will guide you into your own Awesome Marriage.

* Gretchen Livingston, “Fewer Than Half of U.S. Kids Today Live in a ‘Traditional’ Family,” Pew Research Center, December 22, 2014, [http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/12/22/less-than-half-of-u-s-kids-today-live-in-a-traditional-family/.]

Today’s Challenge:

Discuss the areas of your marriage where a mentor couple or role model could help. Then seek out those people.

Going Deeper:

Pray together for God to remove any lies about marriage that you have believed to be true and to replace those with His truth.

from Challenges Of A Millennial Marriage

‘Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.’ Galatians 6:4-5(NLT)

‘For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.’ James 3:16(NLT)

‘Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:2(NLT)

‘Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.’ 1 Timothy 6:6-8(NLT)

‘But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus. God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.’ Ephesians 2:4-10(NLT)

Devotional Content:

To say that social media is a phenomenon does not tell the entire story. Social media has changed our way of life. The opportunities to connect are seemingly endless. With all the good things social media has brought to our lives, there are also negative things that can upset our lives. As millennials, social media is a normal part of your everyday life. Ninety percent of millennials currently use social media, but research indicates that for more than half of these, social media is a chronic source of unhappiness—at least in some situations.* Forty-one percent of millennials still use Facebook every day but are pulling away more and more because Facebook makes many people unhappy as they watch their friends’ highlight reels.** Ask yourself these questions: How hooked are you on social media? How does it affect your life and your marriage?

The comparison game has long been a part of social media. It affected you as a single when you were or were not invited to an event or when you were or were not dating that almost perfect person. Now that you are married, the game is still there; it just plays out in different ways. Someone’s spouse gets a promotion or a new car; friends get a new home or go on that dream vacation; their kids get all the awards and never cause problems. More highlight reels, and you can still feel the pressure to measure up. It’s not like making comparisons is something new. It’s not. People have been doing it since God created man and woman. The difference today is that it can be in your face every minute of every day.

So the question remains: How do we deal with these pressures? The first step for many of you will be to unplug from social media—at least for a period of time. You need to put some distance between you and your feed. Look at it this way: If social media is causing you to be unhappy with your life, your marriage, and your spouse, do you really want to stay in that world? I really believe we will begin to see many millennials back away somewhat from social media as they correlate their unhappiness with their social media usage.

Beginning to reevaluate your social media usage is a big step, but the biggest step in the right direction begins with your relationship with God. It seems we are all vulnerable to letting our world define us instead of seeing ourselves through God’s eyes. He created you and your spouse perfectly. Neither one of you is a mistake. God loves you just the way you are. Nothing you can do will make Him love you more or less. When you stood with your spouse before Him and committed to this marriage for the rest of your lives, His commitment to help you have an Awesome Marriage was even greater than yours. Never let social media define you, your spouse, your lives, or your marriage. That is God’s job. Lean into His definition.

*Tom Pick, “47 Superb Social Media Marketing Stats and Facts,” Infusionsoft.com, January 21, 2016, [https://learn.infusionsoft.com/marketing/social-media/best-social-media-marketing-stats-and-facts.]

** Lauren Friedman, “4 Millennial Social Media Trends To Watch In 2017,” Forbes, December 29, 2016, [https://www.forbes.com/sites/laurenfriedman/2016/12/29/4-millennial-social-media-trends-to-watch-in-2017/#157daa976e69.]

Today’s Challenge:

Together talk about your connections to social media. Where do you need to unplug, and when will you take that step?

Going Deeper:

Together pray that you will see each other and your marriage through God’s loving eyes.

from Challenges Of A Millennial Marriage

‘How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony! For harmony is as precious as the anointing oil that was poured over Aaron’s head, that ran down his beard and onto the border of his robe. Harmony is as refreshing as the dew from Mount Hermon that falls on the mountains of Zion. And there the Lord has pronounced his blessing, even life everlasting.’ Psalms 133:1-3(NLT)

‘Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.’ Hebrews 10:24-25(NLT)

‘May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus. Then all of you can join together with one voice, giving praise and glory to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.’ Romans 15:5-6(NLT)

‘Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters. Don’t forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it! ‘ Hebrews 13:1-2(NLT)

Devotional Content:

Saying that community is important for the two of you in your marriage just doesn’t have the impact that I want it to have for you because community is essential. When we look at the defining events for your generation, one thing that stands out in every list is technology. When we look at lists of things that define this generation, we always find technology reliant. There is nothing wrong with either of those as long as we keep them in balance. Technology has changed the way of life for all of us, but it seems millennials more than any other generation have become technology reliant. So far, we have not done a very good job of using the tools of technology to help us build community. Personally, I think that is beginning to change, and some exciting things are in the not-too-distant-future. But I don’t see the importance of face-to-face community ever changing.

You need other couples in your life who have similar (if not the same) goals, values, and beliefs that the two of you have. You need couples to do life with—to help you raise your kids, to go through hard times with you, to worship and pray with you. You need a community of like-minded believers whom you can love and who love you.

Now our question: How do we build community? Let’s make a list.

• Talk together about what you want in community. Ask yourselves if you are both willing to be vulnerable with others in order to build a community that truly does life together.
• Begin your search. The best place to look is probably your church. If you are not in a church, it is time to find one that has other millennial married couples. If you are in a church and the only millennial married couple is you, it might be time to at least look around at other churches.
• Find at least one other couple and begin to spend time together. See if you are all on the same path and headed in the same direction. Being on the same page with your faith is so important. You want couples that you can pray with and for and that will do the same for you.
• Work toward having three to five couples (that number can fluctuate) that will be the core of your community. Begin to do life with them. Go to church together, meet as a small group, eat meals together, pray for each other, babysit each other’s kids, be there for each other’s important life events, and support each other through tough times. Build trust with each other and never break it. Be patient. This may take some time.
• Your community will expand as you meet new couples and as friends marry. Your original core group will always be special because of all you have shared together.

I said today as we began that being in community is essential. It was for us. The people we have done life with are people that we cherish today. Over the years we have added new couples, but none of our core have left. The bond has been too important. We needed those couples to do life with us. As important as community was for us, it is even more so today. We live in a world that seems to move further and further away from God. To stay on track we all need accountability. Your community will keep you connected to each other and to God.

Today’s Challenge:

Together make a list of what you desire in community.

Going Deeper:

Begin to pray together for God to bring you that first couple to start your community.

from Challenges Of A Millennial Marriage

‘The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. ‘ 1 Corinthians 7:3(NLT)

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:24(NLT)

‘And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.’ Ephesians 5:21(NLT)

‘A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:12(NLT)

‘Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. ‘ 1 Corinthians 6:18(NLT)

‘The woman named Folly is brash. She is ignorant and doesn’t know it. She sits in her doorway on the heights overlooking the city. She calls out to men going by who are minding their own business. “Come in with me,” she urges the simple. To those who lack good judgment, she says, “Stolen water is refreshing; food eaten in secret tastes the best!” But little do they know that the dead are there. Her guests are in the depths of the grave.’ Proverbs 9:13-18(NLT)

Devotional Content:

It seems to be the consensus that millennials will eventually be the most educated generation ever. You have already won the numbers game by being the largest generation as you passed the “boomers.” By 2020, you will comprise 75 percent of the work force in the United States.* Careers are certainly a part of most millennials’ future.

What about marriage? Millennials seem to be getting married later than previous generations. According to the US Census Bureau, the average age for first marriage is now 27 for women and 29 for men. The reasons are many but include the economy, dating apps, the woman’s ability to delay childbearing, and disinterest. Some people want careers to come first—at least for a season.

Those are the facts. If you are reading this plan, you probably are in the minority because you are probably married or at least headed in that direction. Our question is this: Which should come first—career or marriage? If you are married, that decision has already been made. God is clear that the most important relationship for us in this life, next to our relationship with Him, is the marriage relationship. So if you are married, the question is this: How do you have the career you have planned for, went to school for, and dreamed of and at the same time put your marriage where God designed it to be? This is such an important question, and the answer is not simple. Let me give you some bullet points that I think will make a difference:

• If you both work, make sure you do everything you can do to have the same— or very similar—schedules and days off.
• If one works and one stays at home, both still need to focus on building the marriage.
• Never take a promotion or job change without talking it over together.
• Put your marriage first in your workplace. That means if you are expected as a part of your job to have lunch or dinner or to travel with a member of the opposite sex alone, your answer is “I can’t do that.”
• Have pictures of your family in your office. Talk about your spouse in positive ways.
• Don’t confide in someone of the opposite sex at work about anything.
• After work, have a connection time each day after you are both at home. Talk about each other’s day and how you both are doing. Identify things to pray about.
• If you work extra hours, make sure that it is for a season only. If we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, we can usually make it through these times.
• Have a date each week.
• Plan a getaway once or twice a year for just the two of you.
• Connect as much as possible throughout your day.

In Day One of this plan, we talked about what it takes to have the marriage God has designed for you. None of that changes when you talk about careers. Your careers can never overshadow your marriage. God first and spouse/marriage second always trump your career!

* “So How Many Millennials Are There in the US, Anyway?” MarketingCharts.com, May 3, 2016, [http://www.marketingcharts.com/traditional/so-how-many-millennials-are-there-in-the-us-anyway-30401/2]

Today’s Challenge:

Together go through Dr. Kim’s bullet points that will make a difference. How will you implement each of these into your career and your marriage?

Going Deeper:

Each of you write down your top three priorities in your life. Then share your lists and give each other input on this question: “Does your list match how you are living out your life?”

from Challenges Of A Millennial Marriage

‘For we are each responsible for our own conduct. Those who are taught the word of God should provide for their teachers, sharing all good things with them. Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith.’ Galatians 6:5-10(NLT)

‘You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things. And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things. Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things? ‘ Romans 2:1-3(NLT)

‘“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.’ Matthew 7:3-5(NLT)

‘People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy. Blessed are those who fear to do wrong, but the stubborn are headed for serious trouble.’ Proverbs 28:13-14(NLT)

‘Honesty guides good people; dishonesty destroys treacherous people.’ Proverbs 11:3(NLT)

Devotional Content:

In many ways culture has tried to put millennials in a box. A list of adjectives is attached to millennials as a whole by some, and people just assume it fits everyone that falls into that group. My online search turned up these words to describe millennials: entitled, egotistical, the selfie or the me generation. Sources say these are the kids who got trophies for walking onto a playing field and are now, as adults, suing the higher learning institutions they graduated from because they cannot get a job. So when we look in that “millennial box,” we see a pretty negative picture.

As a counselor, I have never been fond of labels. I don’t think anyone should be put in a box. But where you find a label, you usually find a grain of truth. So for each of us, it is a call to action to see if we are wearing any of those labels. I really think that most millennials are just trying to figure life out; and Christian millennials are trying to see who God created them to be. The labels don’t work well for us as individuals, and they certainly have no place in a marriage. We get a great example in the first part of the Bible as Adam and Eve eat the fruit God told them not to eat. When God shows up, Adam decides it’s all about him. Instead of taking responsibility, he points his finger at Eve and says, “It’s her fault.” It looks like the “me generation” began with Adam!

So what does taking responsibility as a married millennial mean for you and your spouse? A great place to begin is to stop blaming each other. You are a team, and that means when one of you messes up, you right the ship together instead of pointing your fingers at each other. Then take some of those undesirable adjectives and discuss them together. Be honest with each other. Do they fit? If so, taking responsibility for your thoughts and your actions will be a great step in removing those adjectives.

I see many Christian millennials seeking to affect social change through their jobs and volunteer work. I see great young leaders looking to God for guidance as they seek to make a difference. I see a different “box” for the millennial couples that I know. I see them taking responsibility and seeking God’s plan for their life and marriage, and that is really the bottom line. God has a plan for both of you individually and as a couple, just like he has had for every person and every couple in every other generation. If you are weighed down by the labels in your “box,” being responsible may be as simple as changing “boxes.”

Today’s Challenge:

If you are totally honest with each other, what “negative labels” would fit you today? Together write them down and begin to pray for God to change your heart to His heart.

Going Deeper:

Pick one area of your marriage where you need to take more responsibility. What is your first step as you begin to work on this area?

from Challenges Of A Millennial Marriage

‘I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”’ John 16:33(NLT)

‘Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?” “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’” And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” “Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?” they asked. Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended. And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful.”’ Matthew 19:3-9(NLT)

‘“I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.”’ Matthew 18:19-20(NLT)

‘I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them. Pray this way for kings and all who are in authority so that we can live peaceful and quiet lives marked by godliness and dignity. ‘ 1 Timothy 2:1-2(NLT)

‘For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. ‘ Galatians 5:13(NLT)

Devotional Content:

The challenges for married millennials are many. Not only do you live in a culture that does not put a high value on marriage, but only 26 percent of people between the ages of 18 and 29 are married. In comparison, 48 percent of baby boomers at that stage of life were married.* In addition, many of you came from broken homes, so you never saw healthy, thriving marriages. But don’t let all those statistics get you down. Remember what Jesus told us in John 16:33: “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world” (CSB). Jesus never promised us an easy life. What He did promise is that He would always be there for us. He will always have the answers we seek. Our role is to shut out the shouts of the world so we can listen to Him. How do we stay married? Here are three points that will help you go the distance:

1. Commitment. At one point you stood together at an altar before God and promised to stay married forever. It was a deal between the two of you and God. He will always do His part. You just have to do yours. One of the things that saddens me the most when I hear of a young couple divorcing is that they will never know the joy that comes through persevering through hardship together. Nancy and I were married at 20. There were so many times in those early years that we could have walked away from our marriage, but we didn’t. Staying committed and persevering with God at our side is what built the marriage we have today.
2. Pray together every day for each other and for your marriage. I don’t care if you pray silently or out loud or if you are kneeling, standing, or lying down. Just pray. I promise you that God will show up.
3. Each day see each other as a gift from God. Cherish your gift. Never take each other for granted. Serve each other as Jesus has served you.

Final thoughts: Never give up. Get help if you need it. Fight together for your marriage!

* “Millennials in Adulthood: Detached from Institutions, Networked with Friends,” Pew Research Center, March 7, 2014, [http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/03/07/millennials-in-adulthood/]

Today’s Challenge:

Recommit to each other and to your marriage. Promise to fight together no matter what life brings your way.

Going Deeper:

Begin to pray each day for each other and for your marriage. Keep it simple. Then ask God to help you see your spouse through His eyes every day. Thank Him for the gift He has given you.

from Challenges Of A Millennial Marriage