Tag: Blending A Family

‘“But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. ‘ Luke 6:27-29(NLT)

‘Do to others as you would like them to do to you.’ Luke 6:31(NLT)

‘They must not slander anyone and must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone.’ Titus 3:2(NLT)

‘“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the Lord ’s favor has come.”’ Luke 4:18-19(NLT)

‘Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. ‘ 1 Peter 5:8(NLT)

Some former spouses continue to co-parent well. We realize each case is different and so the level of difficulty to manage the new home varies widely. 

We want to give attention to difficult former spouses who may be creating interference in our new home. Many families have expressed various issues with a former spouse. Here are common causes of strife and some reasonable solutions to consider. 

Understanding the Strife 

Sometimes former spouses stir up trouble because: 

1. they may carry wounds from the failed marriage. 

2. us moving on in life can foster jealousy. 

3. prior to remarriage former spouses were co-parenting together. The remarriage may have changed our approach with our former spouse. Our new spouse is now our highest priority.

4. a former spouse may fear a new (step) parent is trying to replace them.

Consider These Thoughts 

A former spouse is not our enemy—the devil is. Our adversary looks for opportunities and uses people to divide relationships. 

We judge ourselves by our intentions. We judge others by their actions. When we hurt someone, we are regretful and want forgiveness. However, when someone has hurt us, we usually hold them accountable. 

Communicate and consider an apology. Try talking to our former spouse about what is troubling them. Apologize to them for any hurt we caused.

Pick our battles and be a peacemaker. Some issues are not worth a fight. Our emotions are contagious. Don’t let another person’s negative emotions trigger ours. Let our contagious emotion be peace. 

You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. (Matthew 5:9a MSG). 

Legal Recourse.  Sometimes the legal system is needed to resolve conflict. Whenever possible, be willing to compromise and work things out. If necessary consult an attorney for advice. 

Suggestions:

Co-parenting between biological parents is necessary. Let them know your new spouse is not replacing the biological parent.  

Realize that your former spouse will likely be a part of you and your child’s lives for years to come. So, strive to develop an amicable relationship.

Look at yourself. Do you create difficulty in your former spouse’s home? Be a peace-maker.

Our Prayer for you:

Father, pour Your unconditional love in this family. Bring favor with all extended family. Help them heal and build peace with former spouses. In Your Son’s name! 

Copyright 2019 Moe and Paige Becnel @ Blending A Family Ministry

from Blending A Family

‘But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.’ Isaiah 40:31(NLT)

‘Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. ‘ Hebrews 10:23(NLT)

‘Then his people believed his promises. Then they sang his praise.’ Psalms 106:12(NLT)

‘The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe.’ Proverbs 18:10(NLT)

‘“How long has this been happening?” Jesus asked the boy’s father. He replied, “Since he was a little boy. The spirit often throws him into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.” “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.” The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”’ Mark 9:21-24(NLT)

‘But there will be glory and honor and peace from God for all who do good—for the Jew first and also for the Gentile. For God does not show favoritism.’ Romans 2:10-11(NLT)

In the early years of our new blended family we struggled with so many issues. Many days we faced the same struggles over and over. It felt like we were beating the same brick walls. Our hope was failing, and we doubted a bright future for our family. 

We were doing better at serving the world than we did at serving our spouse and family. We sought the Bible because we knew from experience that God had an answer for every issue in life. 

Step by step, we found answers to the many issues we struggled with. God’s wisdom breathed life and healing into our hearts. The delay in finding unity in our tough early years was not because God was not able, but rather due to guarded, wounded hearts that take time to heal and rebuild the capacity to love and trust again.

Step by step we saw the fruit of God’s wisdom shine the light into each heart. It did not happen quickly, but it happened. We grew together through the years. Our 8th Anniversary was a breakthrough and a celebration of His amazing grace and goodness. 

God is no respecter of persons. What He does for one He will do for all who seek and follow Him. He is an amazing Good God! He loves His creation so much and so perfectly. He is faithful, and so desires to show each of us His loving heart for us. 

Our Prayer for you:

Lord God Almighty, we thank You for Your hope, mercy, grace, goodness and faithfulness to this family. Touch and make them whole by Your Strength. Sustain them through the tough times, send help in their time of need, and send Your blessings into their hearts and lives! Thank You Lord, in Jesus’ Name!

Copyright 2019 Moe and Paige Becnel @ Blending A Family Ministry

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‘Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.’ Psalms 62:5(NLT)

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. ‘ Ecclesiastes 4:9-10(NLT)

‘And the Spirit of the Lord will rest on him— the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord .’ Isaiah 11:2(NLT)

Many people carry various expectations of what life should be like in relationships, finances, values, religion and so on. We are often unaware of our own expectations. These opinions or expectations are based on the many experiences we have had from childhood to today. Within relationships we expect certain things from our family and friends. They may have different expectations, and/or think our expectations are unreasonable.

The definition of expectation is:

> a belief about what might happen in the future; 

> The way we think or hope something should be;

> a guaranteed way for us to make sure that people will consistently disappoint us.

We can be happy or sadly disappointed based on how things are compared to how we think they should be.

In blending our family, Paige and I discovered that we had expectations that were causing struggles:

1. We expected too much too soon. We were frustrated that our family was blending too slow, and we did not understand the dynamics causing this.

2. We each expected our rules and discipline from our former homes to prevail in our new family. But we were very different in our thinking.

3. We expected our extended family to embrace our new family. Not everyone was accepting of our new family.

In any marriage there should be three viewpoints. The husband’s, the wife’s, and God’s wisdom and direction. God always has the best plan. He designed relationships and His Word gives abundant life. 

When we seek His ways in each issue, we find peace and unity.

Suggestions:

Assess the different expectations you and your spouse carry. Discuss if your spouse’s expectations are reasonable to you, and find compromise to bring unity.

Assess the expectations your children have. Help them to let go of old dreams and build new dreams.

Adjust your expectations, and be willing to help meet your spouse’s and children’s expectations.

Our Prayer for you:

Holy Spirit, help this family to understand the expectations within each heart, and work to help live in value and appreciation of each other.

Copyright 2019 Moe and Paige Becnel @ Blending A Family Ministry

from Blending A Family

‘“In that day,” says the Lord , “I will be the God of all the families of Israel, and they will be my people. ‘ Jeremiah 31:1(NLT)

‘O nations of the world, recognize the Lord ; recognize that the Lord is glorious and strong.’ Psalms 96:7(NLT)

‘He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. He will bring justice to all who have been wronged.’ Isaiah 42:3(NLT)

We know many adult children who feel the effects of broken homes and remarriage for years to come. 

Adult children pick up the burden of planning events at birthday parties, and special family events where both biological parents are invited. In some cases, they plan two parties to accommodate bio parents who refuse to be together. We have experienced the tension adult children feel at weddings, graduations, etc. Since such activities will continue for many years, bio parents need to create peace with everyone to make each event positive and memorable. 

Some adult children still carry that dream to see mom and dad reconcile. They resist to embrace their parents’ new marriages and new families.  Adult children who have grown up and left home may disconnect from one or both parents. Their behavior might include no calls or visits, non-acceptance of a parent’s remarriage or a new stepparent, or not allowing grandparents to see their grandchildren. 

This disconnect from family may be a way the adult child deals with their feelings. Some need time to sort through their emotions. Such behavior has been used to emotionally hurt the ones who hurt them, or to attempt to change a parent. It can be a form of manipulation. 

Parents should not react to manipulation. If we have a repentant heart, God has forgiven us. We should move into the new things that God brings.  Although parents no longer have direct influence over adult children, they can positively influence their children’s behavior through attitude, words, and actions. 

Adult Children Living with You 

If we have adult children living in our home, they may want to live with no boundaries. We recommend establishing boundaries of respect and godliness for everyone in our home. This is especially true if minor children in our home are observing inappropriate behavior. Protect the young hearts under our care. 

Suggestions:

Apologize to them for hurts you may have caused. 

Regularly invite them to family events, even if you suspect the answer to be “No.” Reinforce that they are vital to your family. 

Do not react to children with harshness.

Continue to show acceptance of them, even if they are not accepting you right now. 

Our Prayer for you:

Father, help everyone in this family to walk in forgiveness.

Give adult children Your peace toward this family. In Jesus’ name. 

Copyright 2019 Moe and Paige Becnel @ Blending A Family Ministry

from Blending A Family

‘The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord .’ Proverbs 18:22(NLT)

‘A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones.’ Proverbs 12:4(NLT)

‘For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.’ Isaiah 55:9(NLT)

‘Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Genesis 2:22-24(NLT)

Building a blended family is not easy. There is usually an initial tug-of-war in every person to not lose what they had in their previous life. Children can struggle as a bio-parent may pay less attention to them, while the bio-parent gives more attention to their new spouse. 

Adults can struggle when the new (step) children do not obey or show respect toward them. God has a priority order that makes marriage and family work, regardless of whether it is a first marriage or a remarriage:

1. God is First. God brings success and blessing when He is included as an intimate part of the marriage.

2. Our spouse is second only to God, and is now our priority relationship. God tells us to leave father and mother. I believe we also need to separate or set boundaries for our marriage from others who would hinder it.

3. Children are third in position, but still vitally loved. Children should not be allowed to hinder or divide the marriage God has joined together. 

Third is not a bad place. The family will love, provide for, live life together, vacation together, and have fun together. Children will be loved in every way and will only recognize they are in third place when they contend for second place – getting between husband and wife.

Suggestions:

Explain to your children that third place is a position issue, not a love issue. They belong and will always be loved.

Protect your bedroom as a sanctuary for your marriage!

Never stop dating and romancing your spouse!

Never belittle your spouse, especially in front of others!

Stand up for your spouse when a child or someone else is being disrespectful toward them! Represent a unified ‘team’ in dealing with conflict!

Pray for each other as your soul mate and best friend!

As you lead your family unified in purpose and goals, your children will follow. If you do not lead well, your children will likely take over.

Our Prayer for you:

Holy Spirit we ask You to remind this couple daily of the purpose You have for them as husband and wife. Send them the people and resources to help them grow together. Let them live in Your unconditional love for each other, and help them model Your love, mercy, and grace in their home. We ask in Jesus’ Power!

Copyright 2019 Moe and Paige Becnel @ Blending A Family Ministry

from Blending A Family

‘But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.’ Isaiah 40:31(NLT)

‘Wait patiently for the Lord . Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord .’ Psalms 27:14(NLT)

‘Then his people believed his promises. Then they sang his praise.’ Psalms 106:12(NLT)

‘The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe.’ Proverbs 18:10(NLT)

‘“How long has this been happening?” Jesus asked the boy’s father. He replied, “Since he was a little boy. The spirit often throws him into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.” “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.” The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”’ Mark 9:21-24(NLT)

‘But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!’ Galatians 5:22-23(NLT)

In the early years of our new blended family we struggled with so many issues. Many days we faced the same struggles over and over. It felt like we were beating the same brick walls. Our hope was failing, and we doubted a bright future for our family. 

We were doing better at serving the world than we did at serving our spouse and family. We sought the Bible, as we knew from experience that God had an answer for every issue in life. 

Step by step, we found answers to the many issues we struggled with. God’s wisdom breathed life and healing into our hearts. 

The delay in finding unity in our tough early years was not because God was not able, but rather due to guarded, wounded hearts that take time to heal and rebuild the capacity to love and trust again.

Step by step we saw the fruit of God’s wisdom shine the light into each heart. It did not happen quickly, but it happened. We grew together through the years. Our 8th Anniversary was a breakthrough and a celebration of His amazing grace and goodness. 

God is no respecter of persons. What He does for one He will do for all who seek and follow Him. He is an amazingly Good God! He loves His creation so much and so perfectly. He is faithful, and so desires to show each of us His loving heart for us. 

Suggestions:

Read God’s word expecting to find His answers to the conflicts in life.

Our Prayer for you:

Lord God Almighty, we thank You for Your forgiveness, mercy, grace, goodness and faithfulness to this family. 

Touch and make them whole by Your Strength. Sustain them through the tough times, send help in their time of need, and send Your blessings into their hearts and lives! Thank You Lord, in Jesus’ Name!

Copyright 2019 Moe and Paige Becnel @ Blending A Family Ministry

from Blending A Family

‘Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ‘ Ephesians 4:1-3(NLT)

‘Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.’ Philippians 2:1-4(NLT)

‘Similarly, a family splintered by feuding will fall apart. ‘ Mark 3:25(NLT)

In most new blended homes, an initial effort is made to blend the role of parenting between the biological and step (new) parents. However, blending of these roles can be frustrating and the parents often decide to retreat from that effort in order to reduce friction in the home. So, “You discipline yours, and I’ll discipline mine,” is common. Is this healthy? No, because it sets up the home as two single parent families living in the same house. The easy road is usually not the right road. We experienced this frustration and it truly divided our home and marriage. 

Here are four reasons why the “you discipline yours” family undermines itself: 

1. The role of the husband and wife is to become one working together to support the children in their family. When this role is retracted from the new parent, they will likely feel disconnected because their position has been removed. The disconnect will eventually deteriorate the marriage and family. 

2. Having two separate authorities and rules for his child/her child) in a home sets the stage for favoritism. When two sets of rules and discipline methods exist (one child is allowed to do something that another is not, or one child is punished more harshly than the other), it will likely cause children to compete or resent each other. 

3. “You discipline yours” causes disunity. When husband and wife are not operating in unity, the family members may resist connecting to the family. 

4. It hinders the home from developing into a loving, respectful environment. 

A thriving family develops out of unconditional love among all family members. If spouses are not working together, the children will not try either. You and your spouse must bond together first. The children will follow suit. 

Suggestions:

Set a goal with your spouse to build a united family, one that your children will want to model.

Spouses, agree on one set of rules and age-appropriate discipline that apply to all children in the home. Then have a family meeting to share the new family rules.

Our Prayer for You

Holy Spirit, give this couple the wisdom and direction to build a healthy thriving family. Show them Your design for a marriage and family. Thank You Lord!

Copyright 2019 Moe and Paige Becnel @ Blending A Family Ministry

from Blending A Family

‘For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”’ Hebrews 12:6(NLT)

As new (step) parents we may assume parental authority over the family. Not so, at least not right away. 

Discipline administered by a new parent who does not yet love the new children is most often harsh, causing hurt feelings. Repeated harshness will lead to disrespect and resentment. Love must supersede discipline. (Hebrews 12:6) Until we truly love our new children and accept them as our own sons or daughters, we have no right to discipline them. 

“Wait a minute,” you might say. “If they are going to live under my roof, I have a right to discipline them.” 

I understand how you feel and I believed that way also, but hear me out. When we were a child, if someone other than our parents tried to discipline us, what did we say? “What gives him the right to tell me what to do? They are not my parent!” We may have already heard these words in our new family. Our new children will react the same way to discipline from someone other than their bio parent. 

When discipline supersedes love, the implication is “conditional love,” related to tolerance. “Do what I say and then I will love you.”

Discipline with love operates with mercy, grace, and gentleness. 

In my forty (40) years serving God, He has disciplined me many times, but never harshly. The Holy Spirit has never offended me, called me ugly names, or in any way put me down. God’s Spirit is always gentle, kind, and forgiving. 

Often, God has spared me from getting what I deserved, and He does the same for everyone. As we show our new children acceptance we will earn respect in our home, and eventually the right to discipline with gentleness and grace.

Suggestions:

When a new child misbehaves, new parents should express the behavior to their spouse. The bio parent should administer any needed instruction and discipline. 

During the first year the biological parent should carry out the discipline. The new parent should be the fun parent, building a caring friendship bond with each new child.

Make a list of the blessings each child brings to the family.

Our Prayer for You

God, bring Your favor to the new parents building this family. Show them the grace You give them, so they can give the same. In Jesus Name!

Copyright 2019 Moe and Paige Becnel @ Blending A Family Ministry

from Blending A Family

‘Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.’ Ephesians 6:4(NLT)

‘Children are a gift from the Lord ; they are a reward from him.’ Psalms 127:3(NLT)

One of the greatest tools a new (step) parent can use to connect to our new children is for each new parent to make vows to each new child. Spouses often underestimate just how large of a part the new children will play in the new marriage, regardless of the children’s age. When children do not feel a part, or when a child is resistant to the new spouse or family, great turmoil often develops in the months and years ahead. 

Our spouse and their biological children were and are “one” before we vowed to be “one” in marriage. Marriage vows do not circumvent the relationship they have with their children. Some spouses try to make their spouse choose between them and their biological children, or they cause a child to feel unwelcome in the home. Instead of expecting an unfair choice, make the choice to be one with their children. It is time to stop being a “step” parent. Make vows to our spouse’s children. 

Sharing vows with children will accomplish four things: 

1. The children feel significant and that they are vital to our new home. It gets all family members in the right mindset creating the right atmosphere and attitudes. 

2. The attention we give them during the vows lets them know that they are important to us. 

3. We become more aware of our responsibility toward them. 

4. We enhance the relationship with our spouse. When we love our spouse’s children, we love our spouse more completely. 

Already Married? Do It Anyway! Maybe we chose the out-of-town island wedding or our children were too young when we married. The good news is it’s never too late to let people know we accept them into our life.

Suggestions:

Share vows with your new children at your wedding. If already married, prepare a special occasion to share vows.

Give every child a chance to express their thoughts. 

Our Prayer for You

God, we pray for this Blended Family. Help them to walk in grace toward their new family. Strengthen them to be inclusive and make the right choices. In Jesus name. 

Copyright 2019 Moe and Paige Becnel @ Blending A Family Ministry

from Blending A Family

‘So the promise is received by faith. It is given as a free gift. And we are all certain to receive it, whether or not we live according to the law of Moses, if we have faith like Abraham’s. For Abraham is the father of all who believe. That is what the Scriptures mean when God told him, “I have made you the father of many nations.” This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who creates new things out of nothing. Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping—believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, “That’s how many descendants you will have!” ‘ Romans 4:16-18(NLT)

‘But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!’ Galatians 5:22-23(NLT)

‘Give your burdens to the Lord , and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.’ Psalms 55:22(NLT)

‘Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.’ 1 Peter 5:7(NLT)

‘But among you it will be different. Those who are the greatest among you should take the lowest rank, and the leader should be like a servant. ‘ Luke 22:26(NLT)

We believe and have experienced that with the right ingredients step families will blend. We named our non-profit ministry Blending a Family because by faith we chose to call things that are not as though they are. There is power in the words and actions we choose, choosing not to be served but to serve every person in our family. You may have heard it said that blenders have blades because blending is not easy, and the effort is challenging.

The definition of blend is “to mix together so that the things mixed cannot be separated or individually distinguished.” As a demonstration, when we make a smoothie we may blend milk, spinach, strawberries, blueberries, pineapple, banana, mango, and protein powder into a blender.  The power in blending a smoothie is electricity and sharp steel blades. The protein powder adds healthy ingredients, creaminess, and sweet flavor to the smoothie.

In blending a family, each family member may have initial ingredients as hurts from past experiences, guilt, shame, resistance to the new family, fear, living with guarded hearts to not be hurt again, doubt, anger, unforgiveness, disconnectedness, wanting their old family back, broken dreams, and unmet expectations. The power needed to blend a family includes the husband and wife building their marriage first, and creating a home atmosphere of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, forgiveness, gentleness, and acceptance.

All people will gravitate to the place where they find acceptance and belonging. This reminds me of the home in my childhood neighborhood where all the neighboring children regularly gathered to hang out and play. 

If the only love a child feels in the blended family is from their biological parent, that child will not feel a part of the new family, and will not find a healthy environment.

Suggestions:

Work together with your spouse to define the ingredients within your new family members. Write down the dynamics that each adult and child brings in the family.

What words and actions can you give to your family to create positive changes?

Our Prayer for You

Lord give this family the vision and steps to create a peaceful, kind, gentle home where every family member wants to belong. Help them resolve all conflicts through Your wisdom. Thank You Jesus for taking their cares and anxiety because You care so much for them. Amen!

Copyright 2019 Moe and Paige Becnel @ Blending A Family Ministry

from Blending A Family