Tag: Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ‘ 1 Corinthians 13:3-5(NLT)

‘So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ Ephesians 5:33(NLT)

We all care deeply about our spouses. We want to “love” them well. But so much of the confusion and heartache in marriage comes because we are not making the other person FEEL cared for in the way we think we are. Or we’re even hurting them and not realizing it! Doing “all the right things” that we think should be important to the other person – in other words, insisting on loving our spouse in our own way — really gains us nothing if it doesn’t signal love to them.

And what I found in the research is that there are different little actions that deeply matter to the opposite sex – but which we tend not to know are important. If you will learn and do those little day-to-day things, it will help your spouse believe in a deep-down way that you truly care about them.

For example, wives: notice the little day-to-day things your spouse does and say “thank you,” which is the emotional equivalent of him saying ‘I love you’ to you! “Thank you for putting the laundry away,” “Thank you for mowing the lawn even though it was so hot outside,” “Thank you for putting the kids to bed. You’re such a good dad.” Sincerely saying thank you several times a day soothes his deep (and hidden) self-doubt about whether he measures up. It makes him feel appreciated and respected –which is what he needs, in order to feel cared for.

Or, husbands: take your wife’s hand when you are walking across a parking lot, or put your arm around her when you are sitting together at church. Regardless of what her ‘love language’ is, those gestures deeply please the vast majority of women I’ve surveyed, because they relay the all-important message that, “You’re mine” and “I would choose you all over again.” Yes, it seems so simple, but it is a priceless reassurance of your love; a signal that soothes her hidden question about whether she is loveable and whether you really do love her.

These daily little comments and actions may seem so simple or minor that it is easy to discount them – but don’t. They are so powerful that they can transform a relationship even if only one person does them! Why? Because they signal how you feel in a way that your spouse will actually understand and absorb – and which builds a deep confidence in their heart that that ‘my spouse truly does care about me.’

Dear Lord, I want to show my spouse how much I care, in the way that matters to them. Forgive me for all too often insisting on loving them in my own way. Help me to learn those little day-to-day things that will make them feel cared for, and do them in the same spirit of love that You have shown me. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.’ 1 Corinthians 13:7(NLT)

‘There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.’ James 2:13(NLT)

Every day in our relationships, there will be moments when we are hurt. And that will certainly happen in the most intimate relationship of all. But when someone causes us pain, our human tendency is to ascribe a hurtful motive. They hurt me, therefore they don’t really care about me.

You had the perfect romantic date planned last night, but your husband worked late and you missed your dinner reservation. You can’t wait to surprise your wife after spending all day Saturday repainting the bathroom – she’s been asking for a while now. But she is disappointed the color isn’t right.

He doesn’t care. She doesn’t appreciate me. Those thoughts are so subconscious we may not even realize that’s what we’re assuming – but that is why we’re hurt. It turns out that one of the main things making people unhappy in marriage is believing the “he/she doesn’t care” lie that just isn’t true. Because in the vast majority of those surveyed, even in struggling marriages the spouses deeply care for one another. But to have an abundant marriage, you have to believe that truth even when you’re hurt.

This is where we remember what God’s Word asks: rather than judging the situation and our spouse for the hurt they have caused, we can choose to believe the best of their intentions. Even when there is a very real issue to work through, it doesn’t mean they do not care. We can choose to let mercy triumph and let love reign. Just as He showed us mercy and love in our moments of weakness, we can do the same for our spouse!

Sure, we may feel hurt, disappointed, or angry, but we can make the choice to believe what is almost certainly the truth: that our husband or wife really does have our best interests at heart regardless of what our emotions – or the situation — might be telling us at the time.

When we allow God’s love and mercy to flow through us to our spouse, we will find less conflict, more grace, quicker forgiveness and much more delight at home.

Dear Lord, open my eyes to see the truth of how much my spouse cares for me – even in moments of hurt. Help me to be wise and choose an attitude of mercy, and let go of my desire to judge them for their actions. Just as You have shown me mercy and love, help me do the same for my spouse. And let our marriage stand as an example of that mercy and love to a watching world. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘A house is built by wisdom and becomes strong through good sense. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with all sorts of precious riches and valuables.’ Proverbs 24:3-4(NLT)

‘And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.’ Romans 12:1-2(NLT)

It is common in marriage to pray for wisdom and understanding – but when was the last time you prayed for knowledge?

It turns out: we need to. In the Bible – and in the research – it is clear that it is usually not the big-ticket issues (in-laws, money, sex) that cause the problems in a marriage – or which lead to mutual delight. It is how we handle those things. It is the daily unspoken beliefs, assumptions, and practices that make the difference regardless of the big issues.

The vast majority of people in our research – more than 99% — deeply care about their mate. Even in difficult marriages! We are trying hard, but we simply don’t know some of the things that matter most to our mate. We don’t “get” some of their deepest needs. We honestly don’t recognize their hidden vulnerabilities, fears and insecurities. So we are trying hard in the wrong areas. Or worse, we hurt them without intending to.

So we get upset and demoralized that She doesn’t appreciate everything I do for her. Or he doesn’t care about me. We respond defensively, or out of our hurt – and the whole thing spirals down.

For example, a husband might be working sixty-hour weeks to provide for his wife and say “I love you” – but what if that makes her (like seven out of ten women) feel abandoned because what she most needs is his presence? Or a wife might be exhausting herself late into the night to make sure the house is clean and beautiful for him – but what if he most needs (like nine out of ten men) is their intimate time together?

We need to SEE those things that matter, so we try hard in the right areas and avoid tragically unnecessary hurt to the person we care about most.

Are the rooms of your house filled with joy and delight? Or with confusion and heartache? The bible says it is through the right knowledge that our life together will be filled with rare and precious treasures.

Ask God today to open your eyes to see the things that matter most, that you just didn’t see before. They are often small. But they are immensely powerful, and – for you and me – nearly priceless.

Lord, open my eyes to see those things that matter most to my spouse – and those things that hurt them. If I’m operating under the wrong assumptions, please change my mind. Help me to be the person my spouse needs, so that our home can be filled with those rare and precious treasures. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord !’ Psalms 31:24(NLT)

‘Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.’ Proverbs 13:12(NLT)

‘Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see. Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation. By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God’s command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen. It was by faith that Abel brought a more acceptable offering to God than Cain did. Abel’s offering gave evidence that he was a righteous man, and God showed his approval of his gifts. Although Abel is long dead, he still speaks to us by his example of faith. It was by faith that Enoch was taken up to heaven without dying—“he disappeared, because God took him.” For before he was taken up, he was known as a person who pleased God. And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.’ Hebrews 11:1-6(NLT)

Without a doubt, the dream of a happy marriage is one of the most consistent longings of the human heart. Forget the bleak statistics we’ve seen, forget the bad rap that committed, lifelong marriage gets in the media – we want to marry our best friend, then enjoy our spouse and enjoy being married. And many people do! So what makes the difference?

The bible has so many vital words of life, so many practical answers for building a rich, abundant, lifelong marriage. And it is awe-inspiring to see that social research findings “reveal” what the Bible has said all along.

In all my research with thousands of men and women, there is one bottom-line common denominator among marriages that survive versus those that fail: hope. The feeling that we can and will make it. This is the courage of those who hope not in themselves, but in the Lord. And for a great marriage, it is this we must never give up.

When trouble and pain press in on every side, many couples become depressed and deceived by the feeling that there is no hope. They are tricked by the frequently quoted but incorrect idea that half of all marriages end in divorce. They worry, “If half of all other marriages can’t make it, what makes us so special?” and they give up as their courage slips away – due to a lie that is tailor-made to steal our hope.

Don’t let it. That myth has been debunked. The vast majority of marriages last a lifetime. This miraculous institution that God has created to mirror the relationship between us and Jesus, still works. He is still working. You can trust in Him, even when you cannot trust yourself or your spouse.

But you must live in that hope. Even if you are the only one clinging to that hope – CLING.

You also must walk in the faith of things not yet seen, doing what you are called to do, as if the answer is guaranteed. We all know that in this fallen world there ARE no guarantees. But the power of our hope in Him is so transformative, so life-giving that if even one partner is fighting for the marriage, if even one person won’t give up, if even one person does what they can do regardless of whether their spouse does the same… it is not only possible for that marriage to survive and thrive, it is likely.

Not to mention what the marriage can do and be once it is back on solid footing! After all, God’s perfect design for marriage is one of supernatural closeness and joy. So whether you have a wonderful marriage already, or are hoping for one someday, step out in courage to do what the Bible asks each day — and have hope for that abundant outcome.

Dear Lord, give me the courage and hope I need, for the rich and beautiful marriage you want for me. Show me where I have been believing the lies of discouragement, and open my eyes to the truth. In the weeks to come, help me to see exactly how to apply these biblical principles to my own marriage and do what I can do — and to watch as you do the great things that only you can do. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage