Tag: Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ‘ Romans 12:10(NLT)

‘Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges ; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross. Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.’ Philippians 2:3-11(NLT)

One of the most profound things I saw in the research was when I asked the couples, “Who is responsible for the happiness in your marriage?” Most people on the anonymous survey said something like, “Really, it’s me. I work hard to be a good spouse, and it makes a difference.”

Strikingly, there was one exception: the happiest couples. They said the opposite. Eight out of ten pointed at their spouse and said, with gratitude in their heart: “It’s all her; she’s an amazing wife.” “It’s all him; I hit the jackpot.”

One of the greatest secrets to a happy marriage is gratitude. Thankfulness. An overt recognition that you hit the jackpot. And this comes when you realize that you are not perfect, and are so grateful to have someone who is on your side and loves you anyway.

It is so easy to focus on ways we’re doing great and what the other person is…. well… not. But the Word of God says that we should regard one another as better than ourselves. One spouse said everything changed in her marriage when “I allowed myself to see the amazingness of my spouse. I know that isn’t a word – but it should be!” There is such power in being attuned to the “amazingness” of your spouse. You live in a constant state of gratitude and awe of the blessing of being married to this wonderful person.

This requires you to take on the attitude of humility. Not every day is perfect and of course, there will be times your spouse makes mistakes. Rather than allowing yourself to think that you are pulling the weight of the relationship, you can choose to honor your spouse and what they do contribute. Christ chose to regard us above Himself. You can do the same for your spouse.

So the next time your spouse doesn’t take out the trash or seems to not appreciate you, choose to not roll your eyes. Ask God to reveal the ways you don’t always measure up, either, and just how much your spouse does do for you. Think about and honor the personality God has given them, that is exactly what you need. Think about and honor who they are.

As you realize your own shortcomings and affirm the value of your spouse, you will find gratitude popping up everywhere. And as you respond with true thankfulness, it will lead your spouse to want to become the person you already see them to be.

Every day, ask God to open your eyes to the “awesomeness” of your spouse. Seeing the best will bring out the best. And you will find that you have “hit the jackpot” all along in the partner God has blessed you with, to walk through life together.

Dear Lord, thank you for my spouse and blessing me with a partner for life. Open my eyes to see both my own shortcomings and their strengths. Give me that heart of gratitude for them. Even in moments of mistakes, let me value them and honor them above myself. Let an attitude of honor and thankfulness fill our marriage and all that we do for all the years to come. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘All who declare that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first. If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their fellow believers.’ 1 John 4:15-21(NLT)

‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ Proverbs 3:5-6(NLT)

Our culture doesn’t always make it easy to stay married, does it? One of the messages we hear is that we should keep a little piece of ourselves private. You know, like feelings you keep from your mate but share with some other friend. Or a secret bank account with a little stash on the side “just in case.”

We’re told that’s the wise thing to do. And yet the research was clear: the actions we take to protect ourselves actually build a wall. They create a lack of trust. They cause suspicion to creep in. (“Why won’t you show me your bank account statement?” “Well, why will you tell your friend this stuff, but not me?”) In other words: they create the very problem we are trying to protect ourselves from.

God has designed marriage to be the ultimate “all in” institution. That is why God joins a man and a woman for life; He wants us to be set free to take what seems like the scary risk of complete, naked, utter transparency with no self-protection, knowing that the other person isn’t going anywhere.

It can indeed feel scary to step out in that way. But once we do, we find that this ultimate risk is what creates the ultimate security.

In the research, many of the couples had moved from being very troubled in their marriage to being very happy. And the change came when they stopped trying to protect themselves and eliminated their other options. They literally removed the word “divorce” from their vocabularies. They took a deep breath and gave each other full access to parts of their life they had previously kept private. They made themselves completely vulnerable to each other.

Is there something you’re holding back? If you’re afraid of the “what if’s,” find boldness in God’s great love for you. Don’t lean on and trust your own understanding, because your own understanding can have hurt feelings and suspicions, and can never truly know the mind of God. Instead, trust Him. Let His love come in and banish the fear that causes you to hold back in your marriage. Then you can live confidently and boldly through Him, letting go of the fears that divide you from your spouse.

In marriage, you truly get what you give. We get so much more when we give our spouses our all, are all in no matter what. So go ahead: jump into the deep end, and get in over your head! You will find God is there with you every inch of the way.

Dear Lord, if there are any areas of my life I have withheld from my spouse, help me to let go of the fears and mistrust that have caused me to do that. I choose to set aside my own understanding, and let Your love fill my heart so I can be confident in You. Give me wisdom as I open up to my spouse so that we can be unified together in our marriage. I trust in You. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘Take delight in the Lord , and he will give you your heart’s desires.’ Psalms 37:4(NLT)

‘Then God gave the people all these instructions : “I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery. “You must not have any other god but me. “You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me. But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands.’ Exodus 20:1-6(NLT)

‘Give your burdens to the Lord , and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.’ Psalms 55:22(NLT)

In my research with teens, I was fascinated to find that the happiest kids were not the ones whose parents put them (the kids) first. Instead, they were the ones who knew their parents loved them, but also knew their parents were looking higher and prioritizing their marriage even above the children.

I found an interesting parallel in the research with the happiest spouses. They loved each other, and enjoyed having a happy marriage, but didn’t put their spouse at the center of their life and weren’t looking to marriage for happiness. Instead, they looked higher. In large numbers, they said they put God at the center of their marriage and tried – however imperfectly! – to look to Him alone for fulfillment and happiness.

This wouldn’t have surprised me if I’d only studied people in churches– but I purposefully conducted random interviews everywhere in order to include those who, statistically, might not believe in God. But the happiest couples kept bringing Him up! Whether it was someone next to me at the airport or in a doctor’s waiting room, those who were the happiest in marriage kept mentioning the importance of looking to God alone. Both because they relied on His power to be selfless when they didn’t want to be (!) and because looking to God took the pressure off their mate.

It can be so tempting to want our spouse to make us happy. But think about it: would we want the reverse? Do we want our spouse to depend on us for our happiness? No way! I, for one, know how imperfect and selfish I am, and I would fail miserably if Jeff depended on me to make him happy. We would both end up miserable.

Maybe you have seen that yourself. So how can you avoid looking to marriage (or your mate) for the fulfillment that only God can deliver? First, purposefully commit to God that you are putting Him at the center of your marriage. You can do this even if your spouse doesn’t. Ask for his help in leaning on him in tough times, instead of letting your happiness be tied to what is going on in your marriage. For example, in a difficult season, try not to let it throw you. Do what you can to make it right, but trust God to bring things around. Take your frustrations and needs to God, instead of taking them out on your spouse. (One wife told me she would say, “God, give me your love for my spouse, because I just ain’t feelin’ it right now! If divorce isn’t acceptable, would murder be okay?”)

And start praying for your marriage. In the research, some of the couples who became very happy said they started praying together. Other couples didn’t pray together very often, but would simply let each other know they were praying about something separately. No matter what they did, though, they had a sense of relying on God to carry their marriage.

And as a result, these couples found they didn’t have to worry about being “strong enough” to weather the storms of life. Because they knew their hope and strength ultimately came from God.

Lord, I want an abundant marriage. But help me to delight myself in You first and foremost, and trust you for the desires of my heart. Help me to never look to my spouse for happiness, and instead look to you as the only One who can give true fulfillment. I put you at the center of my life and marriage, and ask you to help my spouse do the same. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.’ Proverbs 18:21(NLT)

‘We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.’ James 3:3-12(NLT)

‘Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ‘ Ephesians 4:15(NLT)

‘Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.’ Proverbs 12:18(NLT)

Have you ever been out in public and heard someone talking to their spouse in a way that made you wince? Like: “I cannot believe you forgot to bring the kids’ coats today! It’s freezing outside! What were you thinking?”

Most of us would never speak that way to our spouse in public. But how about at home, where nobody else can hear? Has an exasperated tone ever crept into your voice? When you are angry, hurt or frustrated, have you ever let it all pour out with no filter?

It is so easy to take a spouse for granted, and to take intimacy for license. We can subconsciously think. Since we’re married, I don’t have to be as careful to be polite. We have to love each other regardless, so I can just speak without thinking about how it is perceived.

It is easy to assume that – but it is poisonous to the relationship.

In the research, it was clear that instead of taking the most license, the happiest couples display the highest degree of kindness. Sure, they are honest and share the “real deal”, but they are also especially careful to do it in a way their mate will never perceive as hurtful. Sure, they joke around and razz each other, but never at the expense of their spouse’s real feelings.

Today, we often hear that “You have to be able to be brutally honest in marriage.” Yet the Word says that reckless words “pierce like a sword.” Instead of allowing brutal honesty to hurt our spouse, we can choose to discipline our tongue. There will be times when we need to have a hard conversation, but that is when we need to be the most careful to protect the heart of the person who means the most to us. That is when we need to be the most careful to not just speak the truth – but speak the truth in love.

So how should you address it with your spouse, that even when you ask, they don’t remember to do things like putting the kids’ coats in the car? Well, do unto others, right? How would you want them to share a concern with you, about an area where you have fallen short?

No matter what is going on in our lives, we can decide to be respectful of our spouses in public and in private. Even better, we can look for opportunities, every day, to be more like Christ towards our spouse, and speak words of life. Kindness should be a way of life in our marriages.

Dear Lord, teach me to discipline my tongue and my words. Help me to speak words of life and not words that hurt my spouse. Let kindness flow through our conversation together. Help me to be both honest AND loving when I speak. May our marriage be full of security in each other and You. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12(NLT)

‘Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father. “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! ‘ John 15:4-11(NLT)

God designed marriage to be the most close and intimate of all friendships; at the most basic level, our spouse should be our best friend.

What is the most important factor for creating good friends, of any type? You might be surprised to learn that the greatest predictor of close friendships is not shared values or personality; it is geographic proximity. You’re simply closest to the people you see the most often.

It works the same in marriage. Which is why the happiest couples have learned that if they want a close marriage, they need to hang out a lot! Or at least spend time together via phone or email even if they are separated by many miles.

More than eight in ten of the happiest couples said they made it a point to spend time together at least weekly, and usually much more often. And although an official date night was nice, their “together time” was often more informal. These couples made choices like driving together to a child’s soccer practice – just to hang out. Spending Saturday morning reading the newspaper over coffee – not engaged in deep conversation, but just being together.

See a pattern? They were together. So they simply felt closer. They were better friends. Which insulated them from the inevitable shocks that hit a marriage.

Jesus points us to this same pattern; he valued close friendship, walking day to day in proximity with his twelve best friends. He told them (and us) to not just show up, but to abide in Him. John 15: 9: “Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love.” Abide. Spend time with. Both with God and with your spouse.

Time together is especially important when you are feeling distant or at odds. There is such a temptation to avoid each other, to avoid all the conflict, emotion, and irritation. But that means you’re spending less time together right when you most need a strong friendship. Instead, the happiest couples lean in to their friendship during those times. They particularly avoid the subtle-but-poisonous temptation to spend more time with those friends who support them, than with their spouse. Because that would inevitably mean that they begin to feel closer to these friends than the spouse who is supposed to be their best friend.

To have a great marriage, you don’t need to schedule candlelight dinners and stare deeply into each other’s eyes (although there’s nothing wrong with that!). But when you simply hang out together … when you carve out time for your most important relationship… when you make a point of sharing the little day-to-day moments… the results of that in your marriage are profound.

Lord, help me see and seize those little opportunities to hang out with my spouse. To be his or her best friend. Help me to see that you want me to be the person who lifts my spouse up, who comes alongside, who walks the road together. Help me be the best friend

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘Jacob stayed where he was for the night. Then he selected these gifts from his possessions to present to his brother, Esau: 200 female goats, 20 male goats, 200 ewes, 20 rams, 30 female camels with their young, 40 cows, 10 bulls, 20 female donkeys, and 10 male donkeys. He divided these animals into herds and assigned each to different servants. Then he told his servants, “Go ahead of me with the animals, but keep some distance between the herds.” He gave these instructions to the men leading the first group: “When my brother, Esau, meets you, he will ask, ‘Whose servants are you? Where are you going? Who owns these animals?’ You must reply, ‘They belong to your servant Jacob, but they are a gift for his master Esau. Look, he is coming right behind us.’” Jacob gave the same instructions to the second and third herdsmen and to all who followed behind the herds: “You must say the same thing to Esau when you meet him. And be sure to say, ‘Look, your servant Jacob is right behind us.’” Jacob thought, “I will try to appease him by sending gifts ahead of me. When I see him in person, perhaps he will be friendly to me.” ‘ Genesis 32:13-20(NLT)

‘Then Esau ran to meet him and embraced him, threw his arms around his neck, and kissed him. And they both wept. Then Esau looked at the women and children and asked, “Who are these people with you?” “These are the children God has graciously given to me, your servant,” Jacob replied. Then the servant wives came forward with their children and bowed before him. Next came Leah with her children, and they bowed before him. Finally, Joseph and Rachel came forward and bowed before him. “And what were all the flocks and herds I met as I came?” Esau asked. Jacob replied, “They are a gift, my lord, to ensure your friendship.” “My brother, I have plenty,” Esau answered. “Keep what you have for yourself.” But Jacob insisted, “No, if I have found favor with you, please accept this gift from me. And what a relief to see your friendly smile. It is like seeing the face of God! Please take this gift I have brought you, for God has been very gracious to me. I have more than enough.” And because Jacob insisted, Esau finally accepted the gift.’ Genesis 33:4-11(NLT)

‘Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”’ Matthew 18:21-35(NLT)

‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. ‘ Colossians 3:13(NLT)

When it comes to marriage, how you end a fight is just as important as how you avoid one because disagreements are inevitable. When you and your mate experience hurt feelings and conflict, it is vitally important to both signal the forgiveness that God commands of us and the acceptance of being forgiven. One of the most effective ways to do that is to share a private signal that says “We’re okay.”

So many of the happy couples I interviewed said they had their own secret language to say “I’m sorry” and “we’re OK.” One reason many couples went from troubled to strong in their relationship was this habit of mutual reconnection after hurt feelings. These signals don’t necessarily mean the problem itself has been resolved, but they let both spouses know that in spite of the problem, the relationship is okay.

What were these signals? They ranged from a basic statement (“are we okay?” “yeah, we’re okay”) all the way to silly little private-language elements that would only make sense to them. Some husbands and wives touched pinkie fingers, some had a funny phrase they shared to make the other person crack up, some had great make-up sex, but almost all of them had their own way of reassuring each other that they were choosing to get over their hard feelings, and their relationship was still strong.

Does “moving on” without making up have the same effect? Well… 70 percent of the happy couples sent these signals, where only 22 percent of the so-so or struggling couples did. It makes a difference.

It also makes a difference if we are willing to receive a signal, not just initiate it – which is why mutual signals are so important. There’s a great example in Genesis 32-33 when Jacob realizes that he has deeply cheated and offended his brother. Using a cultural signal his brother would instantly ‘get’, he sends before him a very generous gift to show he is reaching out for reconciliation. Esau is overjoyed and gladly accepts his offering. Both people know “we’re okay.”

Do you sometimes find yourself struggling to not hold on to your hard feelings? To ask for forgiveness? To accept it? If we want to be happy in our marriages, we need to be willing to give the “all clear” signal and be willing to accept it. When it comes to marriage, things are definitely not better left unsaid.

Dear Lord, please help me to be willing to reach out for forgiveness when I have hurt my spouse. When we’re in a state of conflict, help me remember how important it is to mutually reconnect and let my spouse know that things are still okay between us. Remind me constantly of your grace and love that allows me to forgive just as You have forgiven me. Amen

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘The hopes of the godly result in happiness, but the expectations of the wicked come to nothing.’ Proverbs 10:28(NLT)

‘What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.’ James 4:1-3(NLT)

One main reason for unhappiness in any area of life is expecting something, but then finding that the expectation is not met. Have you ever seen that in marriage? As King Solomon put it in Proverbs, “The hopes of the godly result in happiness, but the expectations of the wicked come to nothing.”

You might be thinking, Wicked? That’s not me! But the wise author of Proverbs often uses stark either-or language to help us see a pattern that is anything less than pure and godly. So here’s my revised question for you:

Do you have any ongoing expectations of your spouse that you think makes perfect sense, but which your spouse finds difficult or impossible to meet? Have you ever found yourself unhappy because you’re focusing on the fact that your spouse isn’t doing the things you wish they would do –or is doing things you wish they wouldn’t do?

Ah.

All of us have certain things that come naturally – and all have things that are very difficult to do consistently, or which take a long time to learn. Instead of continually expecting something and then getting hurt or upset when it doesn’t happen, those in the happiest marriages recognize when they might be expecting something a bit unrealistic from their spouse. They stop themselves from thinking something like, If he really loved me, he would …. Or, If she really appreciated me, she wouldn’t ….

Even better, these happy spouses choose to focus on their mate’s great qualities and appreciate what they can do. For example, instead of “If he really loved me, he would give me a big hug when I am upset with him,” a wife might realize He is probably confused and upset himself, and needs to get away and process. So she responds with grace and decides to not get hung up on that. Instead, she appreciates the way he is always willing to come back and talk about things the next day.

Also, realize your mate doesn’t have psychic abilities! Maybe you hoped your wife would spice things up for your anniversary getaway by buying a special, intimate outfit to reveal. Instead of getting frustrated that she didn’t, realize: how could she have known? If there’s something we want or need from our spouses, we have to say something.

There is a difference between expecting a loving partnership and expecting your spouse to do the impossible. The good news is if you look to God – not your spouse — as the source of your happiness, you will find it much easier to celebrate what your spouse can deliver and set aside those things that they can’t. And you will find that BOTH of you are much happier in the end!

Dear Lord, help me to look to You first and foremost. Teach me to celebrate what my spouse can give rather than expecting something that is very difficult for them. Help me let go of unhappiness from past disappointments, and have a heart of gratitude for my spouse always. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.’ Philippians 4:4-9(NLT)

Have you ever found yourself discontented or frustrated by something your spouse is doing – or not doing? OK, there’s probably no need to ask! Here’s the better question: how did you handle it? Because following the biblical prescription for handling those feelings is one of the most important keys to having an abundant, happy marriage.

Guys, say you’ve been exhausting yourself by working extra hours all weekend and ask your wife to record the game so you can watch it as soon as you get home. Even though you asked several times, you arrive only to discover that she completely forgot about it.

You’re angry, but even as the smoke starts billowing out of your ears, you remember: this is the same woman who always cooks you dinner, makes sure the kids’ homework is done, stays on top of the laundry…

The more you think about it, the more you realize what a minor issue the game is. You actually have a pretty amazing wife.

What just happened? You were thinking on what was worthy of praise, rather than what was worthy of driving you crazy. This is what the happiest couples do. They don’t simply “exercise control” over the nasty feelings – they learn how to change those feelings and talk themselves out of being mad! In fact, two-thirds of these couples said it becomes such a habit that they usually stop that negative train of thought before they get too bothered to begin with.

It turns out, our feelings actually follow our actions, not the other way around. If we want to feel better, happier, more content we can refuse to dwell on our negative feelings and rehearse the positive that is always there somewhere. (Even if the steam coming out of our ears makes it difficult to remember it sometimes!)

In fact, let’s be honest: Either direction our thoughts go (the negative or the positive) is a choice, right? And we’re told which choice to make: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.… And the God of peace will be with you.”

God isn’t just trying to distract us from the annoyances of life. He created us with the ability to change our feelings by willfully changing our minds. So the next time you’re frustrated with your mate, refuse to let those feelings control you and think about whatever is praiseworthy about your spouse instead. You’ll be amazed at how your feelings change!

Dear Lord, help me learn how to have the attitude of Jesus by rejoicing in all things. Forgive me for sometimes letting negative, discontent or suspicious feelings take root and fester. Open my eyes to the things that my spouse does that are lovely, admirable and worthy of praise, and help me focus on those, for my good and your glory. Amen.

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘Timothy, I thank God for you—the God I serve with a clear conscience, just as my ancestors did. Night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers. ‘ 2 Timothy 1:3(NLT)

‘As Jesus continued on toward Jerusalem, he reached the border between Galilee and Samaria. As he entered a village there, ten men with leprosy stood at a distance, crying out, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!” He looked at them and said, “Go show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy. One of them, when he saw that he was healed, came back to Jesus, shouting, “Praise God!” He fell to the ground at Jesus’ feet, thanking him for what he had done. This man was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, “Didn’t I heal ten men? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?” And Jesus said to the man, “Stand up and go. Your faith has healed you.”’ Luke 17:11-19(NLT)

According to 1 Corinthians 13:5, love is not self-seeking and keeps no record of wrongs. But it turns out, it does keep record of rights!

The happiest couples do keep score: they just keep score very differently. In the research, the spouses who became the most happy in their marriages – including many who were once miserable – said that their relationships had turned around because they started keeping track of what their mate was giving.

Once these folks noticed how much their mates did for them, wanting to do something, anything, to give back came very naturally. After all, how could they not try to compensate when they realized how much they truly owed their spouse?

This pattern was particularly clear and important during seasons when one spouse was having a particularly difficult go of it at work, or with the kids, or whatnot. It was almost a feeling of “Wow, he has been working really long hours, and it’s causing him so much stress! How can I make things easier for him? Maybe I’ll bring him a dinner every few days so he doesn’t have to worry about getting home for dinner and can relax a bit.”

As a result of noticing what their spouse was giving, the person “keeping score” began to feel a great debt of gratitude. “He’s such a great provider, I really owe him my thanks.” So those “I’ll bring him dinner”-type actions were coming out of the heart instead of out of a sense of duty. And since there was such a sincere awareness of how much the other person was giving during that time, they also weren’t looking for praise in return. How are you doing in keeping score of what your partner is giving? In almost every marriage, even when there are real issues, each partner does wonderful things that are worth noticing and which will make you want to “give back.” But you have to notice those things first!

It may not come naturally at first, but keeping score in that way will be one skill you’ll be grateful you learned!

Dear Lord, open my eyes to what my spouse is giving, that I may simply not be seeing right now. Let me see them with your eyes. Give me great ideas of what I can do to give back, so I can show my spouse just how much I appreciate them. Amen

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage

‘And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, ‘ Ephesians 4:26(NLT)

‘Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. Interlude’ Psalms 4:4(NLT)

We’ve all heard “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” So late at night, when we’re tired, anxious, and emotionally drained from a contentious “discussion,” we continue to hash it out.

“No, we can’t go to sleep,” we tell our spouse, “We have to resolve this!” Most of us have heard happy couples say “never go to bed mad”… but it turns out they don’t follow their own advice! In the research, when pressed on what they actually do, these wise couples admitted that when they are getting emotional and upset, they sometimes realize it is better just to go to bed. And that strengthens their relationship instead of weakening it.

Why? Well, it turns out that Ephesians 4:26, is taken much out of context. Here’s the full verse: “Be angry, yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” It turns out, Paul is quoting a verse in Psalms: “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.”

You might want to read that again.

The Bible never says “don’t get mad” or even “don’t go to bed mad.” The key is not to sin – to never let anger get the best of us and cause us to hurt someone else. The happiest couples have found that, if you are too tired or upset to come to a peaceful resolution, putting an unresolved issue on hold is not sinful. What would be sinful is trying to not address an issue and holding on to your fury at your spouse. What would be sinful is escalating to hurtful words, or until an exhausted spouse agrees to something they will later regret.

“A person finds joy in giving an apt reply — and how good is a timely word!” says Proverbs 15:23. And that is certainly easier after a night of rest.

In fact, the pressure to resolve it right now can be even less fair to a husband who, like most men, may need some time to process what he’s thinking and feeling so he can truly feel heard… and so you both can get to a better resolution the next day. And that, it turns out, is the key difference between the happiest marriages and those that are struggling. Happily married couples sometimes go to bed with the issue unresolved; but if the issue is still a concern the next day, they deal with it. The problem comes when we avoid something hurtful and hope it just goes away.

So the next time you’re up late, weary from trying to bring closure to an issue, don’t feel guilty about thinking about it overnight and remaining silent. Chances are, you’ll see more clearly in the morning. There’s even a good chance that that major issue won’t seem so major to you anymore.

Dear Lord, please help me to be wise about how I speak to my spouse during times of conflict – especially when I am tired and upset. Help me to never sin in my anger, and to know when to speak and when to remain silent. Amen

from Biblical Secrets to a Happy Marriage